I'm feeling racist.

ClickerishReturns · May 2012

Rationally, I realise this is ridiculous. But over the years I have had to deal with a lot of racism directed towards my non-Aryan looking father and now my partner. I am often uncomfortable at the fact that some people I know accept me because I look a certain way when I am really proud of my father who looks nothing like me.

Now we're looking into choosing a sperm donor. My partnr really wants our child to be a combination which means...I have to choose someone Aryan as a donor. I feel really squeamish about this inside. It makes me feel like I'm being racist by saying my child has to look a certain way. How can I deal with this anxiety?

emma+karen · May 2012

Race was actually a big factor for us in selecting our donor. We are both Caucasian, but we live and work in a largely Hispanic community and K especially wanted a donor who was at least partly Hispanic. She also "passes" as Hispanic in our community because she has dark features, so it was also partly in hopes the baby would look a little more like her, but a big part of it was just our connection to the community where we live.

That said, if you're really uncomfortable, talk about it with your partner. I know for us, since I'm carrying, I was totally fine letting K have the final say in which donor we picked.

leapgirl8 · May 2012

You are respecting your partner's wishes. If you don't believe that her wishes are based on racist reasons, there is no reason for you to feel badly about it. I know it's not as simple as that, but it is something you might focus on to get you over the anxiety hump. Also remember that you don't have to justify your donor choice to anyone - if you get questions about it, you can just say that you felt he was the best fit and change the subject.

I'm curious as to why you say Aryan instead of Caucasian/white/etc. I know it's used in linguistics sometimes, but other than that I've never seen it outside the context of white supremacy/Nazism. Maybe using a less-charged term would help you feel better about it too?

Kershnic · May 2012

What Leapgirl said, 100%.

White privilege is complicated, but there's nothing wrong with choosing a donor who looks like you or who will increase the chances that your child looks like you or your partner or a combination of you and your partner. My wife and I both have northern European heritage. We didn't choose a donor with those features because they're somehow "better" - just because it's like us.

You're picking a donor. No matter who you choose you will be influencing what your child looks like. And in the end who really knows - genes are very complicated and surprises are not unusual, especially when you're talking about a bio mom and a donor of different ethnicities.

TooCuteAkane · May 2012

I am white and my wife is Filipino. I carried so we used a Filipino donor. We did pick a donor who had a profile picture so we could see if he had features like my wife's. I don't think it has anything to do with being racist. We just wanted our LO to look like both of us... And she does!

tdmklm · May 2012

Kershnic:
What Leapgirl said, 100%.
White privilege is complicated, but there's nothing wrong with choosing a donor who looks like you or who will increase the chances that your child looks like you or your partner or a combination of you and your partner. My wife and I both have northern European heritage. We didn't choose a donor with those features because they're somehow "better" - just because it's like us.
You're picking a donor. No matter who you choose you will be influencing what your child looks like. And in the end who really knows - genes are very complicated and surprises are not unusual, especially when you're talking about a bio mom and a donor of different ethnicities.

Ditto. Smile

2mommiesinoh · May 2012

I think it is normal to have some anxiety over this but I do not think it makes you racist. We used a known donor. We had several options, including one of our friends who is half African American. We came down to three based on personality, education, health, certain features (height, eye and hair color) etc without considering any race (basically blind cards with info on them). We realized he was one of the three and decided to eliminate him because he was African American. I do not feel that makes us racist we are both Caucasian and we wanted our child to resemble DW since I was carrying. Had DW been part African American he very well could have ended up the donor. When we explained it to him he was totalyl cool with it and there were no hard feelings; he did not feel slighted because of his race at all.

ClickerishReturns · May 2012

Fascinating, it comes to light I have this bizarre Aryan connotation with my looks. I think maybe it started to be a problem when we ended up on a database that specified whether the donor was Jewish or not, and I started to hear my grandfather talking in my head about the camps.

Okay, yes, these arguments make sense. And yes, it really should be her choice since she has to carry (and she's also the mother as well). Maybe I will have her do the initial looking and have her let me help choose from there. We were going to do known donor, but it looks like it would be more expensive to use the person we wanted (sad).

2brides · May 2012

We actively searched for a blond haired/blue eyed donor. It wasn't because we felt donors/people who are of other nationalities/cultures/ethnicity are bad/wrong/inferior/etc, but because that is my wife's coloring and we wanted the kids to resemble her as well as me (if given the choice.) Had we gone through adoption, we would have been open to any race/nationality.

We ended up with 2 sandy blondish/light brown haired kids. One with brown eyes and one with hazel brown/green. But more people say they look like her than say they look like me.

2moms2twins · May 2012

ClickerishReturns:
Fascinating, it comes to light I have this bizarre Aryan connotation with my looks. I think maybe it started to be a problem when we ended up on a database that specified whether the donor was Jewish or not, and I started to hear my grandfather talking in my head about the camps.
Okay, yes, these arguments make sense. And yes, it really should be her choice since she has to carry (and she's also the mother as well). Maybe I will have her do the initial looking and have her let me help choose from there. We were going to do known donor, but it looks like it would be more expensive to use the person we wanted (sad).

you are not alone ... hahah - i understand what you mean.. I am jewish my father was born in Isreael my grandmother was the ONLY survivor in her family and was in Concentration camps from 12 till she was 18 she was born in Poland... Sadly she is a little jaded and volalizes her distaste for anything GERMAN especially older german things ( i dont blame her ) We dont dare tell her that my wife is "super white "( that what i call it ) she is Swedish English Czech and German blonde and blue eyes you can not get any more "Aryan" than her... I am or can be pretty dark and can either look very middle eastern or mexican

when we looked for donors I was pretty uch picking out african american donors because I wanted our child to have color and look ethnic - Wifes brother has kids and they are the epidomy of POWDER remember that movie - they are so white their hair is practically see-though ... and i was all HELL NO - and had the same thought you dodo too "aryan" too white -

Since she carried the donor selection was based primarily on my ethnicity and back ground ...low and behold we had twin girls... and one is darker than the other and one is more on the "aryan' side its an inside Joke my wife and have ad I call her my aryan child - but my dad hear me one day and said dont every say that she is is who she is and she if just perfect - but if i were to go out with er no one thinks she is my kid but when i take her sister every one thinks she is my bo child .. I thought this would be an issue and i would be an ass if people asked but When some one asks my response is I AM HER MOTHER - and actually the girls are 10 months and I have only in countered idiots than a handful of times..

Selecting a donor for me was very tough especially because I have a desire to be biologically connected but not so keen with the birthing part and so so on the pregnancy part ... I am pretty butch when it come to things and more Male ID than female. Feel free to instant message me or pm me if you want to talk more. Wife and I are an open book especially if it helps or enlightens someone else on this crazy ttc journey

- J

betsykerry1 · May 2012

we chose donor based on my partners skin/hair/eye color so that (hopefully) our DD would end up looking like a mix between the two of us... she looks EXACTLY like me in my baby pictures... so, donor choice fail or genetic win! i'm blonde hair/blue eyes/fair skin and my partner has brown hair and eyes... i don't think it makes you racist, but you should probably talk to your partner about how you feel!

mypalbabs · May 2012

We actually sought out a donor with the same ethnic background as my partner (who is the bio-mom).

Our reason for doing this was that in case of some future medical situation where we'd need an organ donor for the baby, it can be really difficult to find a match when the child's genetic make-up is complex.

To be fair, we're both white, so we're not dealing with issues of a mixed-race partnership to begin with. It would be much more complicated if we were, I get that.

ClickerishReturns · May 2012

2moms2twins:

you are not alone ... (...).
Selecting a donor for me was very tough especially because I have a desire to be biologically connected but not so keen with the birthing part and so so on the pregnancy part ... I am pretty butch when it come to things and more Male ID than female. Feel free to instant message me or pm me if you want to talk more. Wife and I are an open book especially if it helps or enlightens someone else on this crazy ttc journey
- J

Thanks for this. My grandfather was in the resistance, other grandparents in camps and I often wonder if maybe I am a little bit more sensitive to the whole thing than necessary.

I'm not as worried about not being biological, oddly enough, but that my wife IS biological--and what if my child likes her more? If she were adopted by both, this wouldn't worry me, but it's like I feel unequal. I honestly never expected all these emotions, because I am usually really laid back. Do you also feel a weird urge like financially you have to be more responsible? We have always split everything more or less, and my wife has a great career she has no plans to leave. She has also never said she wants more than to split caring for our child, but I feel like OMG I have to make money! Where is this coming from...I am not butch at all, which is also why it is odd. If anything, she's more masculine!

pixie76 · May 2012

Sorry this decision is causing you anxiety. When DW and I started our TTC journey, the only thing set in stone was she had NO desire to carry and deliver a child. I had no problem being the partner that carried so this was not an issue. When it came to picking our donor, her main concern was a healthy profile. I on the other hand wanted a donor that resembled her. I have brown hair, brown eyes, olive skin. She has auburn/red hair, blue/green eyes, and needs to be practically dipped in sun screen before any type of out door activities=) I tried to find a donor with those characteristics, but was having a hard time with the health history. Ultimately I made a list of 10 donors that I liked and asked her to make a final decision. Like I mentioned, she really did not care what the donor looked like, she just wanted the health history of his family to be solid. I had a stronger desire for her to pick. I wanted her to pick because I wanted her to feel like she was contributing her "half" to our baby. It was very important to me. Fast forward to today and our 3 youngest look a lot like her. Our 2 year old has brown hair, brown eyes, and tans easily. Our 7 month old DD has brown crazy hair, blue/gray eyes, and porcelain skin. 7 month old DS has blonde hair, blue, eyes, and skin that is more like his brother. She would love these children in any shape or form and has never expressed it, but I love how she lights up when someone makes a comment about how so and so looks just like her.

I would share your feelings with your DP and talk to her about her's regarding her thoughts on a "combination" of the two of you and what that means to her. I wish you lots of luck and peace while making this decision with your DP.

2brides · May 2012

I think it is completely normal to have a whole host of emotions are you prepare to extend your family. L has always been the breadwinner in our family, though we both have always worked. But money/finances stress her out a lot more now than when it was just the 2 of us. Partly, because the kids just cost more and partly because if something happened and it was just the 2 of us, we could have figured something out. It is a whole lot of pressure when you have kids depending on you.

And I think it is very normal and common for the non-bio parent (I hate that term) to fear that the child/children will love the bio parent more. It has been discussed on here numerous times. And while I can't speak for anyone else and their experience, it has been our experience that one child is MUCH more attached to L than to me and the other is more attached to me - but is willing to seek comfort/cuddles/etc from L.

Good luck!

2moms2twins · May 2012

I know my background has made me a little bit more sensitive because my name sake is dying out and there are no more ( my last names) my dad and his brother both had girls so I felt pressure to keep us ALIVE and still do which is why #3 is calling me and hopefully its a boy .. its also difficult because not many can undertsnadnt what its like being raised with a EASTERN EUROPEAN backgroupd and I was raised to never tell people i was jewish or never mention concentration camps - My grandfather was also part of the resistance till he was captured and met my Grandmother who was 20 year his Jr. SHe said Look you have no one I have no one lets marry and he obliged - there was no love per say and then she said I need a child ....He was not interested in having a child - Its crazy ...In our situation - I was always the provider and we had very defined roles I was teh breadwinner and wore the pants and then I quit my job and things shifted ...and then we had kids and they changed again. I am more comfortable with kids/babies than my wife I was always around them. Now we have twins and I thought i was going to feel as if i needed to step up and while we were TTC I felt that way but we did it all together and could not have done it with out one another - When she did not get pregnant the 1st few time i felt bad like it was my fault ... but it was and IS NO ONES fault it just was not the time for us ... We were meant to have the girls we have now and had we gotten preg earlier we would not have DOS BABIES...( thats what we call them) so TTC is a great cluster F*** of emotions. sadly lots of ppl on this road dont make it as it can tear a relationship apart. I know Melanie and I would have the worse fights and feelings after we got a BFN and the blame I blame myself she blame herself she thinks i blame her I think she blamed me ... Its CRAZY but the bottom line for us was it forced us to be come amazing communicators and helped us worked out all issues and talk about EVERYTHING ....it takes time its was a bumpy road but be hones and open there is no room for secrets in my opinion.

J

2moms2twins · May 2012

ack it did not let me finish... We have been together for nearly 10 years so our finances and such were always joined. So I could not pay for more or less... but i did have that feeling like It was all on me and i have to step it up and that is because ( my interpretation) we are on the side lines- and tho 100% part of this we dont have the physical burden ( i used that term loosely ) but seeing my wife as huge as she was with twins on bed rest while i could do and go anywhere and seeing-her with her morning sickness and being totally fine... I felt bad ... I feel bad I could not cut he cord and was so bummed she had a c-section and she feels horrible that she did not get to hold her babes after she had them ( then had to go to NICU ) so there is not TIT for TAT we each have our issues... but WE ARE AND WERE IN THIS 100% together. Im better at some things that she is and viceversa we are true TEAM !!!!

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