Baptism??

kjbc2003 · May 2012

Hi ladies my DH and I are wanting to have our DD baptized fairly soon. I also have a SD that is 6 yrs old and also wants to be baptized with her little sister. I am Lutheran and my DH wants to be baptized also as he was not as a child. At the church we attend all of us would be baptized into that church. We have brought it up to BM as trying to be polite and nice. She has refused saying that SD needs to be 8 and i guess really really wants to be baptized in her mom's family. (i'm not denying it but not necessarily buying into it either).

One of the issues that my DH has with this is that SD has an older sister on mom's side that is 9 who was baptized with at birth. So why does my SD have to wait until she is 8 and cant possibly be baptized with us??? Last time I check we were the family that was actually attending and BM had not attended any service in several months at her church. I told my DH that we should just go through with it as SD states that she wants to be baptized with her little sister, my DD very badly. Thoughts??

I dont believe it states in their CO that we need permission from BM we were talking to her about it trying to be friendly.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

Tread very carefully with this. If BM is saying "no" for right now, and you and your husband go ahead and do it it's going to end badly for everyone. This is one of those decisions that needs to be made strictly between your husband and BM. If BM wants SD baptized with members of her family, then that's going to be the way it plays out. Because truthfully, if this has to go in front of a Judge, the Judge will say that both parents have to agree on religious decisions. Meaning: either agree on something or SD never gets baptized anywhere.

blush64 · May 2012

Baptism for me is about family (church family, family, being initiated into the faith) and both parents should be part of it when possible. I can understand why her mother would want to be part of that even if she isn't in church every week. It's a big event in a child's life and neither parent should be excluded.

It's really unfair to go through with this without BM being part of it or approving of it.

EDIT to clarify and re-word part...Baptism is about becoming part of the church and church family and your family (parents) are a big part of that. This is what I meant by Baptism is about family.

I agree with PP, this is something her mother and father need to discuss and agree on and ideally both parents should be part of it. There should be some agreement or understanding on religion and how the child is raised. (things they should have discussed long ago) It's not enough to say "but the little girl really wants to".

kjbc2003 · May 2012

So why is it ok for my DH to not be included if she gets baptized with BM?? (side note BM is notorious for not telling us about appointments, school events, etc. So i know if she did get baptized with her we would not be told in advanced so we could come.) We would include BM if she wanted to be part of things I just felt that it was unfair to state that she cant get baptized until she is 8 but has not reason as to why it has to be 8. Its not like she is using the example that her other child waited until she was 8 I would understand that. Truthfully she hasnt mentioned baptizing SD until we mentioned we wanted to. I just feel bad for SD as she states she wants to do this with us and now her mom wont let her.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

kjbc2003:
So why is it ok for my DH to not be included if she gets baptized with BM?? (side note BM is notorious for not telling us about appointments, school events, etc. So i know if she did get baptized with her we would not be told in advanced so we could come.) We would include BM if she wanted to be part of things I just felt that it was unfair to state that she cant get baptized until she is 8 but has not reason as to why it has to be 8. Its not like she is using the example that her other child waited until she was 8 I would understand that. Truthfully she hasnt mentioned baptizing SD until we mentioned we wanted to. I just feel bad for SD as she states she wants to do this with us and now her mom wont let her.

It's not ok if BM has SD batized without informing your husband or including him in it. That's why we as SM's struggle to be the bigger person. I'll tell you what, being the bigger person and biting my tongue has left me feeling walked on at times and blood in my mouth. But we do it. Because when these children are 17 and 18 and 30, they're going to remember which set of parents set the better example. And truthfully, BM doesn't have to give you a reason as to why she's saying no for right now. Just like your husband doesn't have to give a reason when he says no to things.

This isn't your battle, it's your husband's. I know it's hard to remove yourself from the fray, but you need to for right now. Let your husband deal with this. If it's coming from him, BM may be more open to discussing it than if she thinks it's coming from you. And if she still says no and wants the baptism done through the church of her choice, then there isn't much you can do. At least SD will be getting baptized, and can still attend your church.

fellesferie · May 2012

If you can't all agree, then SD doesn't get baptized until she is old enough to tell you all very clearly what she wants to do.

My kid is 7, and I barely let him pick what he eats for breakfast. So his opinion on more important matters is pretty irrelevant right now.

Rhenna · May 2012

fellesferie:

If you can't all agree, then SD doesn't get baptized until she is old enough to tell you all very clearly what she wants to do.

My kid is 7, and I barely let him pick what he eats for breakfast. So his opinion on more important matters is pretty irrelevant right now.

Yes Especially the bolded.

CurlyQ284 · May 2012

tifanico:
This is a very sensitive topic.
I would go ballistic if BF got DD baptized without my consent and didnt make me part of it.
There are some people who do set an age which they think its appropriate for the child to have a certain "level of maturity" to have any input to pick their religion. Regarding her having another child that she baptized at birth, maybe she changed her mind about it?
Maybe she didnt mention the baptism to YOU and that doesnt mean that she wasnt thinking about that at all. No one here is saying that its ok for her to do the same thing but why do you criticize her for doing things and then you want to go behind her back and get her child baptized.
I also think that you guys put SD in that situation. If you didn't discuss the issue with her mom first, you just set up BM to be the bad guy here and its not fair for any of them.
What I would do, BM and your DH (no one else) need to sit down and decide what they are going to do TOGETHER. Figure out religion if its different), church and all that like adults.

I agree with all this. I hate when the baptism issue comes up on here. The idea of parents baptizing kids behind the other parents back makes me feel all squicky. In a situation where parents dont agree, wait until the kid is a teenager and can make an informed decision. Thats my 2 cents.

Sigir · May 2012

My dc is not baptized and my exh will not allow it. We will be getting the new baby baptized. So I am struggling with it a bit, because I don't want dc to feel different or less a part of our church than the new baby. And it has come up. When dc does bring it up, I tell them that what is most important is learning about god, and acting godly in every day life, more-so than baptism (because we do believe that). And I tell dc that when and if dc is ready, we will talk to exh and explain that dc is choosing to get baptized. So this is how we are handling it in our blended family.

ITA with ppers that if the roles were revered and exh went behind my back to baptize dc I would FLIP OUT. I think doing something like that is super wrong and not in a godly spirit, to be honest. (sorry to be harsh). But you are trying to hide something from someone, and that just does not mesh with the state or heart that you should be in when receiving a sacrament IMO.

I also think that you put your SD in a bad position by broaching this to her as an option before clearing it with your BM. Now SD feels bad, and BM's the bad guy and that's not really fair. I have not even introduced the option of baptizing dc and the new baby at one ceremony, bc I don't want dc to even know that is an option and then become disappointed when exh does not agree. I honestly would love to see both my kids baptized in one ceremony, but I know it's not possible. Is it fair that this can't happen? well, when is life in a blended family ever fair?

I think you made a mistake on this one, unfortunately.

blush64 · May 2012

kjbc2003:
So why is it ok for my DH to not be included if she gets baptized with BM?? (side note BM is notorious for not telling us about appointments, school events, etc. So i know if she did get baptized with her we would not be told in advanced so we could come.) We would include BM if she wanted to be part of things I just felt that it was unfair to state that she cant get baptized until she is 8 but has not reason as to why it has to be 8. Its not like she is using the example that her other child waited until she was 8 I would understand that. Truthfully she hasnt mentioned baptizing SD until we mentioned we wanted to. I just feel bad for SD as she states she wants to do this with us and now her mom wont let her.

Actually that's not what I said. I said both parents should be involved. I wouldn't think it was right to exclude either parent and I stated that. EDIT I didn't see anyone saying it's ok for your husband to be excluded.

ldmessing · May 2012

Thank goodness we have that stuff outlined in our parenting plan

lily_721 · May 2012

BM did this. SS1 and SS2 were baptized in the family church (when DH was married to BM). During one of her bouts of crazy, she bounced from religion to religion and had the children re-baptized in different religions. Although the religions are all Christian, its not something that we chose to support.

SS1 will say "I'm X," and SS2 will say "I'm Y." Its confusing for them.

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