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Blended Families
Need advice (long)
Hello,
I am new to this board, but I could definitely use some advice...
My DD is 6. I have not been with BD since I was pregnant with her. Since we split, he has been married twice, so naturally I have always worried a little about how stable DD's life is when she is with him. BD is a good father, though, so I typically don't say anything to him, because I do believe he does his best to put DD first when she is with him.
Recently, though, I feel like things are starting to get a little out of hand over there, and I am not sure if I should be intervening in any way to protect DD... Here is what happened:
BD is in the military. He married SM last spring, after he found out he was deploying in the fall. DD was to visit with him for 2 weeks during the summer. When she went there, after about 2 days, BD called me and wanted me to meet him to pick up DD, because SM had gotten angry at him, and packed all of her things and left (yes, right in front of DD). He lives several hours away, and since he works, he couldn't take care of her on his own. I agreed to come that weekend, so he would have to miss a day of work, but no more.
He called me the next day to say never mind, that SM had come home. I still felt uncomfortable with the situation, since DD had already been in the middle of some drama, so I decided to come get her anyway.
BD deployed in September, and I decided to try to be friendly and reach out to SM. I sent her an e-mail saying that I knew this was hard for her, and that she was welcome to call and visit with DD any time, because I knew it was important for DD to keep a relationship with her. I also said to let me know if anything came up, because I knew BD wouldn't tell DD anything bad happening in their phone calls.
SO a few days later I get an e-mail from BD saying that my e-mail made SM uncomfortable, because she doesn't want me asking about him. He said he didn't think it was silly for me to be concerned, but to just talk to him directly. I e-mailed him a couple of times, but always to talk about things going on with DD. DD did not hear from or see SM at all for the 9 months BD was gone. He got back a couple of weeks ago...
Just a few days after he returned, I got a call from SM - FURIOUS about the e-mails BD and I had exchanged and telling me that any time I needed to make arrangements for DD, I should contact her, because I am NOT to speak to her husband again. I politely told her I hadn't done anything wrong, and that I was not going to go through her because she is not my child's father. She threatened to call my husband to chat to see how I liked it. I told her to go ahead. lol...
Well, this weekend, BD finally got to visit DD for the first time since he got back. When he came to pick her up, SM stayed in the car, and BD told me quietly that he was sorry about her calling and would talk to me more later.
When he brought her home, he told me that SM has some mental problems, and that she needs to see a counselor again for her issues, but that she had asked him to stop speaking to me before he ever even went overseas.He told her that he was not going to do that, and he felt it was important to have a civil relationship with me. He told me he was very upset with her for not making any contact with DD while he was gone, and that if things didn't change, he wouldn't be staying in the relationship, because DD was more important... But this is the part that bothered me: He told me he was not to worry, he would not be leaving DD alone with SM, because he didn't even trust SM long enough to let her take DD to the restroom during their visit.
I don't want to get into their drama any more than I have already been put into it... but I am really hesitant to let DD even visit right now... even if BD is always around, I am nervous about what she might witness. Since BD and I were never married, we don't even have a CO set up, so I don't HAVE to let him take her. But, it's important for DD to see her dad, and I don't want to cause a problem if I am just overreacting to this.
Help! WWYD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need advice (long)
I want to preface this by saying that I completely get why you are worried, and I would be, too, in your shoes.
That said, I think it would be a mistake to try and withhold your daughter from your ex. It sounds like he's going out of his way to try and make you feel more comfortable with the situation, and he's behaved very respectfully towards you.
I think that his "I wouldn't even let SM take her to the bathroom" thing might have been him exaggerating a bit, going overboard to put you at ease.
What I think I would do in your shoes is call or email him and say that you would like to talk as soon as he can carve out 10-15 minutes for you. Tell him that you trust him, but that you're concerned about SM and her interaction with your daughter. Maybe ask if he can share anything else with you about what's going on with her? And see if there's anything you can do to help ease the situation.
If he can't or won't further reassure you about your daughter's safety in his home, then you can reassess your position.
Normally, I would agree about it being an exaggeration... but this isn't the first 'freak out' SM has had. Luckily, the others haven't impacted DD that much, because they do live a ways away. After the incident over the summer, when I picked up DD, SM moved out and was gone for over a month, then just randomly came back again.
Before they were even married, she moved without telling him where she was going and changed her phone number. Then she randomly called him like everything was fine. She has also had a few outbursts with BD's sister, who used to be her roommate.
I don't really care about those things, because that's his business, but it does show her lack of mental stability for sure, which is what makes me worry about DD being around her. I don't have any desire to withhold DD from her dad, but I really don't want her to wind up exposed to any more drama... she already witnessed enough with his first divorce.
Holy shitz
If SM treats your DD badly, even just by ignoring her, it will damage her self esteem.
I would be furious at your EX for exposing DD to someone like that.
While DD is at their house you need to be in daily contact with her. You need to talk to her about not taking things personally and about how she is not the problem, SM is. Take to her about her feelings and about how you and her dad love her very much. Tell her to call you if she is upset and you will go get ehr that day.
You two seem to have a decent coparent relationship (except for SM) so maybe he will understand. Maybe it could be a "let's not schedule you next visit till your marriage is on better ground". When DH went through his divorce his older children missed a visitation while the moving/dividing the household happened. Luckily he lives close enough he could still do dinners. It was a tough time for everyone and he and BM decided that is what was best for the children.
Hopefully he gets his BSC wife situation under control fast.