Time spent w/kids?

twinkl5379 · May 2012

So I found a new counselor that H and I visited last week. I said that we don't spend time together when the kids are around, and H and I struggle to develop a relationship btwn myself and the s-kids.

I told her about one time that I suggested we all 4 watch a movie together, and I let the kids pick the movie from netflix.com. (This is not something we'd done very often, if ever).

About 30 mins. into the movie, kids said they didn't want to watch it and wanted to go play the Wii AGAIN. H said ok and let them go do that.

What bothered me about this is that when they're at our house, ALL THEY DO is play the Wii. H eventually tells them to stop and will say that it's ridiculous that this is all they do, so I tried to suggest something else - something the 4 of us could do.

The counselor responded that most parents don't spend that much time with the kids, and it's not necessarily abnormal that we don't all 4 spend time together. I told her that I get what she's saying, but we have a very awkard dynamic among the 4 of us b/c we spend almost NO quality time together.

This comment struck me as odd. Or am I missing something?

Holly_1007 · May 2012

that would strike me as odd as well. especially where skids are involved. when SD is at our house those are the designated "family time" DH works insane hours and will take overtime whenever he can get it. he is only 'required' to be home when SD is here, so that is typically when we all spend time as a family.

I think your H was dumb for letting the kids get up in the middle of movie night and go play the wii, especially when the kids picked the movie! there are plenty of cheap ways to spend time the 4 of you (which I would encourage in your case) go to the park and have a picnic lunch, bring a soccer ball, football, frisbee etc. go see a movie together (that way they can't leave) go to the zoo (all kids love animals, doesn't matter the age) bust out a board game and have family game night, even let the kids each invite 1 friend over to do this. go out to dinner, even if its just pizza. etc

jnjmommy0609 · May 2012

I mean that happens from time to time. But just because she does know what she is talking about doesn't mean that is the only way to go about it. Doesn't mean you guys shouldn't try. He keeps saying how ridiculous the wii is yet it is up to him to say no.

Set limits on the wii.

Instead of watching a movie or anything along those lines offer up something more fun or active. Let the kids choose within reason.

Wahoo · May 2012

First of all, I disagree with the PP who said that movies are not a good family activity. We have "family movie night" all the time; and it's something we all enjoy. We also have tv shows that we all watch together (SharkWeek!). I'm not sure how old your sKids are, but our (intact) family spends a LOT of time together.

I also disagree that family activities necessarily work well "on the fly." Maybe some families can have things happen that way, but if you are trying to bond with your skids in the first place (and on top of that, if they are preteens / teens), then its almost impossible.

I think your H needs to be more proactive in this. If the dynamic between the family is not that great now, then you need to work on it. Problems and awkwardness do not necessarily fix themselves.

Have "family activity" night once a week, and have different family members rotate choices. If you complain or "drop out" then you lose the ability to choose the choice on your next turn (haha - and can't play with the wii for 24 hours). If the kids want to choose Wii as the family activity, then they need something that you and your H can play along - like bowling or JustDance3 or WiiSports.

What do you do for dinner? Do you count that as family time?

xmaryrickx · May 2012

While I don't doubt your therapist, in that many families don't spend time together like that, perhaps it's one of the reasons so many families fail. While yes, relationships are built during passive times as PP suggested they are also built while creating memories. Take day trips, go on a picnic in a park and play tag. Have a squirt gun battle in the back yard. Play flashlight tag. Cook together. Read a fun story as a family. Take a kid to the grocery store or out to run errands and stop for an ice cream. And while you H needs to foster these things as well thr onus is not totally on him, which has been said a thousand times. He should have told them to finish watching the movie for instance, but you suggesting the activity is a good way to be involved. Be with them, both of you. Or accept that this is the way the relationship is, and take it for that.

Littlejen22 · May 2012

-auntie-:
I've got to agree with the therapist, bonding in most families happens "on the fly" as you go about taking care of your family. It's the talks that happen while driving to the dentist or home from the ballgame. It's the chatter as you prepare, eat and clean up after dinner. It's walking the dog together. I find that most of my friends with "intact" families do thier bonding in subgroups as much as all together. Even in my house, we have routines. Dad tends to take DS to his music lesson and out for pizza on Tuesdays. I do scouts and his band activities. DH does a lot of the railfanning stuff I can't stomach.

A movie was a uniquely poor choice for connecting with kids as it is a passive activity. Seriously, meeting them half way with a team Wii game would have been preferable. If the lure of the Wii is too strong for you to compete with, get them out of the house. Take a walk in the park, visit a library, go to a playground, bake cookies.

I sort-of agree with this but I think the therapist went too far. It is true that most families do not spend every minute together, actually most of the time is not all together but when you are in a BF that you are working on bonding and your #1 marriage complaint is that your DH does not support any bonding between you and the kids then you have to spend some time together. I would tell your DH that if he wants your marriage to be successful then he needs to sit with you and come up with a plan b/c you are not happy with how things are.

CurlyQ284 · May 2012

Why didnt DH say "no wii tonight, we're watching a movie" this does not have to be complicated....its that simple. When SDs are here, we are always together. They dont like being on their own they are always with us. We play wii together, we do board games, go to the park, walk the dogs, watch TV/movies etc. They rarely spend time in their room playing alone unless Dh and I need to have a "discussion". They color at the kitchen table so I am cooking but we are all still together talking etc. I guess our open floorplan and the fact that we only have one TV helps facilitate this.

fellesferie · May 2012

If we have family movie night, it's family movie night. Not "Kid 1 plays Wii while Daddy plays Star Wars, Kid 2 watches Cinderella, and Mommy reads night." So we would not have allowed them to play Wii.

But I agree w/ PP that movies wouldn't be my first choice for bonding time. We do movies when it's raining or to give DS some special attention after DD goes to bed.

I would try a day trip, a morning at a lake or park, bowling, laser tag, or something like that. We've lately started making Sunday night a nice dinner at home followed by sundaes. I'll make pot roast or lasagna or something, then after dinner pull out vanilla ice cream, sprinkles, chocolate chips, oreos, etc, and the kids get messy and giggly. They look forward to it all week.

MarSamWhitney · May 2012

wendilea:

Something my therapist suggested was everyone put ideas for what they want to do in a jar, and then you pull out one idea a day or whatever. That way everyone has input into what activities you do and one person's not always doing all the planning.

I agree with Wahoo that your DH needs to be more proactive. It may not be 4 days of non-stop family time, but because your time as a family is limited, you need to make more of an effort when they are there.

Do you think you could do an "unplugged" weekend - maybe go camping or something? No Wii, no ipods, no cell phones - just family. When we go, we take a lot of board games, cards, outdoor games, fishing, etc. The kids all love it, but ymmv.

I love this idea~!!!!

Kaeldrasmommy · May 2012

-auntie-:

I've got to agree with the therapist, bonding in most families happens "on the fly" as you go about taking care of your family. It's the talks that happen while driving to the dentist or home from the ballgame. It's the chatter as you prepare, eat and clean up after dinner. It's walking the dog together. I find that most of my friends with "intact" families do thier bonding in subgroups as much as all together. Even in my house, we have routines. Dad tends to take DS to his music lesson and out for pizza on Tuesdays. I do scouts and his band activities. DH does a lot of the railfanning stuff I can't stomach.

A movie was a uniquely poor choice for connecting with kids as it is a passive activity. Seriously, meeting them half way with a team Wii game would have been preferable. If the lure of the Wii is too strong for you to compete with, get them out of the house. Take a walk in the park, visit a library, go to a playground, bake cookies.

I agree with the first part of this, but unfortunately on the fly situations don't happen as often with blended families. You generally have less time for that sort of thing.

As far as the movie goes, that sort of thing is actually great for bonding. It puts you in a side by side situation instead of head on and tends to be more comfortable. You laugh at the same things and then later get to go 'hey wasn't such and such so funny!'.

You had a great idea, and your DH needs to back you on the bonding time and less Wii. But after PP mentioned it, do you play the Wii with them?

socloudy99 · May 2012

I am glad you are trying to make some changes in your household to bond more with the SKs. Even if this activity didn't go as planned keep working at it till you guys figure it out.

BTW we love movie/popcorn night. We put every blanket in the house on the livingroom floor with popcorn and have a great time laughing and watching.

This weekend we took the kids skating. Kids really enjoy this. Other things that have been a hit for "family bonding". Bowling, the historical society, science museum, nature walks at the park and balloon dance parties.

Talk to your H about things you two enjoy that you want to share with the kids. They will usually like it more if it is something you enjoy or is new to them.

Congrats to the positive steps even if it didn't end up as planned!

Rhenna · May 2012

I don't think the movie night was a bad idea. We love movie night but DS has a shorter attention span than SS and he will usually want to switch the activity in the middle. I make him sit through it but if they are both done with the movie than I don't force it. I think in that situation it might be better to approach it as family time rather than by the activity. Just because they choose not to watch the movie after 30 min doesn't mean family time is done, it means we all find another family activity. If they pick the Wii that may be fine as long as it is a game the entire family can do. Then when family time is over they can all go do their thing.

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