Different Morals

rachi1285 · May 2012

Our side: DH and I are Christians and don't agree with people living together before marriage. I'm not judging anyone; just sharing my beliefs. After we'd been dating a while and were engaged, the kids started asking if I was moving in with them. We explained that once we got married I would, and that before marriage it would be wrong.

BM's side: She was in a long-term live-in relationship for a few years and broke it off earlier this year. Now she's with a new guy (for I'm assuming 3-4 months so far) who's around all the time and sleeps over. The kids have been asking us and her (she told us) if BM and her BF are getting married and if he's going to live with them in their new apt. My response has been "I'm glad BM is happy but I hope she and BF get married before they move in together" and I left it at that. We don't get into long discussions about it. Today BM informed us that she's moving for sure in Aug and that BF and his DD will be moving with them. She asked that we not judge her because "I could use your (DH's) mistakes against you in the same way". I'm just going to ignore the subject as best I can I guess.

We obviously have no say in what happens at BM's house, but we're not going to change our beliefs to match hers. This is of course probably the biggest issue we're dealing with but what about smaller differences like manners, movie ratings, homework, etc. I know sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, but sometimes I feel like I should just give up! They come home talking about things they saw on TV, they sing very age-inappropriate songs (they have a 16 yo half sister) and seem to forget about any manners we've taught them while they were at BM's house. For those of you who deal with differing morals like this, how do you handle it? (sorry, I always get long winded...)

Ginlyn0 · May 2012

I think your comment was inappropriate. You basically made a stab at BM in front of her child, which is not right. You should not make negative comments in front of a child about their parents regardless of YOUR belief.

As far as different morals, you can teach your morals without being condescending to the other parent. For example, DH and I don't smoke. DD's BD & SM both smoke in the house, in the car, ect with DD and her sister around. Which drives me insane. But I would never say "Well, I hope they stop smoking before they have breathing issues or die" to my daughter. She knows what she has been taught in our home about smoking and at school. She knows that her grandmother on my side has C.O.P.D. due to smoking. She has asked why her BD & SM won't stop smoking even though they know this and we tell her that we can't answer that and she would need to discuss her feelings with them. We don't in anyway tell her they are wrong for smoking or imply that they are wrong for doing so.

Basically you implied the BM was doing something wrong, but that's based off your beliefs and not others. You need to teach kids that it's okay for other people to have other beliefs and to respect them. DH and I are both Christian. We went to a Bar Mitzvah for my nephew on DH's side this weekend. We respected their beliefs and DH wore yamaka.

In regards to manners, music, ect., you can continue to teach them what is appropriate at your home, but there is nothing you can do regarding those same issues at the other parent's home.

NativeNyer · May 2012

Sigh.

You had no right to comment about BM and her life choices. I consider myself Christian but I would never say something like this. Let alone to a child. Let alone about the child's other parent. It's none of my business, and unless they're truly unfit then I would keep out of it. Keep raising them in your home the way you choose to. They'll get the hint and hopefully a lot of it will stick when they get out into the world.

FWIW - I don't let my kids watch adult TV, listen to adult music but you know what? They can still be pretty rude and misbehave just like every other kid out there.

RealFloF9 · May 2012

"I'm glad BM is happy but I hope she and BF get married before they move in together" and I left it at that Hmm

Why stop there? That alone was a HUGE mouthful. You should have brought out the fire and brimstone too.

She asked that we not judge her because "I could use your (DH's) mistakes against you in the same way".

I'm sure she probably has some.

rachi1285 · May 2012

Maybe I shouldn't have been so detailed, because I wasn't really asking if what I did was right. I'm just wondering how people deal with differences in the kids' homes. What do you tell yourself when you feel like giving up on teaching them? When you feel like everything you instill in them is just going to be "undone" at BM or BF's house? I've gotten less anal about a lot of things like their clothes and toys, but it's hard to let go of things that are deeper.

CurlyQ284 · May 2012

For the most part, we operate on a "you cant control what goes on in the other house" basis. This goes for movies, music, diet etc. Personally, I saw rated R movies at a young age, inappropriate music etc and I turned out fine so we dont raise a stink over it when they see a scary movie at BMs. BM has them do prayers at their house but no church, we are agnostic and do not do prayers. BM sometimes calls at night and they do prayers on the phone. The only issue was when she let SD8 go to a Rihanna concert. DH sent her an email saying Rihanna was inappropriate and a poor role model and she can blamE DH if she keeps SD home and that in the future he hopes they can make these decisions together and that she feels comfortable objecting if she doesnt like something on our end. She let SD go anyway, not much we can do so we just move on. Not sure how you can hamdle it in another way, thems the breaks....

fellesferie · May 2012

Most of the things that you mentioned don't sound like moral issues to me, as much as they are different life choices and circumstances. When I think of immorality, I think of stealing, lying, or cheating.

How is living together immoral? How is homework a moral issue?

You say that you're not going to change your beliefs to match hers--okay, but you can't expect her to change hers either. And telling the kids that living together before marriage is "wrong" is crossing a line IMO. Just because it's something you choose not to do, doesn't it make it wrong.

Maybe BM doesn't like what they talk about when they come to her home from your place either.

wwnbw · May 2012

I can't believe you said that to your SD.

I didn't want to quote the whole thing but THANK YOU for posting this:

There are Christians who would consider divorce and remarriage the same as living together outside of marriage if you want to play the Christian-card.

MarSamWhitney · May 2012

Im sure everyone already covered everything, but what I usually do in these situations w/ my ss is say "We all have different beliefs, and that is what makes the world interesting!" I leave it at that.

CurlyQ284 · May 2012

MelRC117:
rachi1285:
Maybe I shouldn't have been so detailed, because I wasn't really asking if what I did was right. I'm just wondering how people deal with differences in the kids' homes. What do you tell yourself when you feel like giving up on teaching them? When you feel like everything you instill in them is just going to be "undone" at BM or BF's house? I've gotten less anal about a lot of things like their clothes and toys, but it's hard to let go of things that are deeper.

I don't have any of my own children yet, but from what I've experienced is this difficultly with teaching them from right and wrong and feeling like giving up isn't just with stepkids and having it "undone" at the other parent's house. Like I said in my PP, kids learn and hear things from all over the place, not just in the home. This will especially happen as the children get older and spend more time with friends, since I notice your sk's are a few years younger than my SS. SS spends alot of time with friends, and at school, and a youth center a couple days during the summer to get him out of the house a more. How are you going to handle when you teach them something differently than what other kids they interact with learn at their homes? Are you just going to give up then too? Are you going to tell those other parents that they need to change their morals?

This is a good point. Just recently SD told us her friends parents said Obama will take all the crosses out of churches because he hates Christians. Kids cant live in a bubble, you just have to do your best I think.

jnjmommy0609 · May 2012

You definitely should have left the moving in part out. If people find something in a paragraph that they don't like they will pick it apart. I don't necessarily have the same morals as you but agree to disagree in this case too.

Can't you guys try and talk to her? Come up with some parenting plan about the ratings and such. If you can't then just do your best to practice good morals at your own home. There will always be peer pressure and multiple other ways for kids to go against what they believe. So it's the parents that have to do their best to teach them otherwise.

Nineoceans · May 2012

honestly, I don't know you, but I feel judged too! lol.

I think the little stuff you have to let go, the big stuff like behavior problems I would address with bm in the most non judgmental way possible; "youre the mom you know sd best, why do you think she is using curse words all of a sudden" etc.

cole2144 · May 2012

NativeNyer:
Sigh.

You had no right to comment about BM and her life choices. I consider myself Christian but I would never say something like this. Let alone to a child. Let alone about the child's other parent. It's none of my business, and unless they're truly unfit then I would keep out of it. Keep raising them in your home the way you choose to. They'll get the hint and hopefully a lot of it will stick when they get out into the world.

FWIW - I don't let my kids watch adult TV, listen to adult music but you know what? They can still be pretty rude and misbehave just like every other kid out there.

That is not your child and you have no right to say something like that about her mother. This is your husband`s second marriage...maybe you shouldn`t be throwing stones.

christy2125 · May 2012

I'm not even going to comment on the judging Christian thing cause I think everyone else already hit the nail on the head for that one. As for the disciplining what worked for us was the four of us sitting down and decided that no matter what in from of our SD we would always back each other up. If SD was grounded at one house, she was grounded at the other house. She couldn't go from one house to the other without the same general rules and consequences. When I told her she was grounded from tv for a week, she was grounded for the week with her mom too. It didn't matter if BM didn't agree with it, she backed me up, and I would back her up. If we questioned a decision we discussed it away from my SD. Once we started doing that SD's issues stopped at once. We haven't had too many issua since then. Above all we never involved her in our discussions. Ever.

cole2144 · May 2012

christy2125:
I'm not even going to comment on the judging Christian thing cause I think everyone else already hit the nail on the head for that one. As for the disciplining what worked for us was the four of us sitting down and decided that no matter what in from of our SD we would always back each other up. If SD was grounded at one house, she was grounded at the other house. She couldn't go from one house to the other without the same general rules and consequences. When I told her she was grounded from tv for a week, she was grounded for the week with her mom too. It didn't matter if BM didn't agree with it, she backed me up, and I would back her up. If we questioned a decision we discussed it away from my SD. Once we started doing that SD's issues stopped at once. We haven't had too many issua since then. Above all we never involved her in our discussions. Ever.

I wish we could do this with BM!

FriskyPanda · May 2012

We don't comment on BM's beliefs/actions that contradict our own. I certainly wouldn't want her saying things about how DH and I do things that don't jive with how she would do things.

A simple "this is how we do things here, if you want to know why BM does things, you should probably ask her" should suffice.

Jessys_Girl · May 2012

gin9874:

I think your comment was inappropriate. You basically made a stab at BM in front of her child, which is not right. You should not make negative comments in front of a child about their parents regardless of YOUR belief.

As far as different morals, you can teach your morals without being condescending to the other parent. For example, DH and I don't smoke. DD's BD & SM both smoke in the house, in the car, ect with DD and her sister around. Which drives me insane. But I would never say "Well, I hope they stop smoking before they have breathing issues or die" to my daughter. She knows what she has been taught in our home about smoking and at school. She knows that her grandmother on my side has C.O.P.D. due to smoking. She has asked why her BD & SM won't stop smoking even though they know this and we tell her that we can't answer that and she would need to discuss her feelings with them. We don't in anyway tell her they are wrong for smoking or imply that they are wrong for doing so.

Basically you implied the BM was doing something wrong, but that's based off your beliefs and not others. You need to teach kids that it's okay for other people to have other beliefs and to respect them. DH and I are both Christian. We went to a Bar Mitzvah for my nephew on DH's side this weekend. We respected their beliefs and DH wore yamaka.

In regards to manners, music, ect., you can continue to teach them what is appropriate at your home, but there is nothing you can do regarding those same issues at the other parent's home.

All of this! You say you don't judge, but you 100% DID judge with that statement (and I would assume you've made others like it about the music, movies, etc.).

Here's how I would approach things: If your Skids are asking if BM is going to get married and have this guy move in and etc etc. the response should be "I'm glad your BM is happy." Period.

The kids will learn by example not by you condemning the other parent. They will SEE the things you do and how your life is structured and they will see how BM's is. They will draw their OWN conclusions about what works and fits for them. and they will build their OWN morals that may encompass a little of both sides of views.

riabiron · May 2012

FriskyPanda:

We don't comment on BM's beliefs/actions that contradict our own. I certainly wouldn't want her saying things about how DH and I do things that don't jive with how she would do things.

A simple "this is how we do things here, if you want to know why BM does things, you should probably ask her" should suffice.

This is what we do

riabiron · May 2012

FriskyPanda:

We don't comment on BM's beliefs/actions that contradict our own. I certainly wouldn't want her saying things about how DH and I do things that don't jive with how she would do things.

A simple "this is how we do things here, if you want to know why BM does things, you should probably ask her" should suffice.

This is what we do

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