We lost our twins at 18 weeks

lindseynl23 · May 2012

Wednesday April 25th, 2012 started out like any other day. I woke up tired and sore from being pregnant. We had just returned from our baby moon and that weekend we painted the twins nursery. I was so happy. I got through my work day picked up pizza for dinner and headed home. My husband and I ate, and I went to the bathroom for one of my many pee breaks, except this time when I wiped there was blood. I immediately began to panic. I told my husband I was bleeding, I tried to call my Mom, no answer. I became more frantic. I called the Doctor on call, he was in surgery. My mom called me back to tell me she was on her way, she arrived in seconds and we headed to the hospital. That was the longest 30 minutes of my life, a thousand scenarios went through my head, but I tried everything to stay positive. Once arriving to the hospital the emergency room took me immediately back and began the examination. I had an ultrasound which revealed two beating hearts but my membranes were coming out. The next step was to start magnesium to stop the contractions and try to ease the membranes back inside and get a band on my cervix. I cried, I cried so much and begged God to save my babies. Begged him to let me keep them. I laid in that bed, all night feeling my contractions, helpless to stop them. I continued to plead with God to let me have the opportunity to raise my babies. It was the longest night of my life. The next morning, I received another ultrasound, while it still revealed the two beating hearts of my babies, my contractions did not ease enough to relax my uterus and allow the membranes to go back in. My cervix was incompetent, it failed me, my body failed my babies. I was going to lose them. My doctor reached out to another doctor at a different hospital for the second opinion. They said I could be transferred, but the outcome would be the same. I would inevitably loose them. I spoke to my husband about our options and decided to stay hoping for a miracle. They stopped the magnesium and I prayed this all would stop, I continued to plead with God to save my babies, to leave them here with me. My labor progressed. By Thursday afternoon, I was in full on labor, my contractions were intense, but I refused to let them break my water. I just could not except that this was happening. I asked for medicine to relieve my pain but nothing helped. I received an epidural that evening. The pain eased and I held on to hope, I held on to it so tightly. I felt them move inside of me, I felt them moving and kicking the whole day. It all felt like this horrible dream I could not wake up from. I slept because of the medicine, but woke often to cry.

Friday, April 27th, 2012 at just a little after 8:00AM the Doctor came in to check me. My water had still not broken, but when she checked me, I could feel her touching my first baby, and I knew. I knew that my prayers had went unanswered and my twins were going to die. The Doctor told me I had to push. I had to deliver my baby because it could not live in my vaginal opening. At around 8:15AM I felt heavy contractions, the epidural had started to wear off quickly and my body was continuing to force them out. I pushed but not hard. I did not want to do this, I could not bare the thought, I could not. I pushed again. My water broke, when it was half way out and I brought a little boy into this world, his heart beating, but he was unable to breathe, his lungs were not developed enough. They scooped him up in a blanket and laid him on my chest. He was beautiful. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Ten fingers, ten toes, this perfect little face, he moved like they said he would, and he passed away like they said he would. I held onto him, touched face, and handed him to my husband, his first born son, fit in the palm of his hand. The doctor checked me again and Baby B had also moved down with the pushing. I held on to hope. The Doctor asked me to push to deliver the first placenta and I pushed only barely, still pleading with God not to do this. The placenta came and right behind it a second baby boy. They laid him on my chest just like they laid his brother and I wept. He was so beautiful. They resembled each other so much, even though they were fraternal. Ten more fingers, ten more toes, another beautiful face. I handed my husbands second son to him, he cradled him in his hands, so proud and so sad. That baby boy held his finger and my husband let go of all of his emotions. I wanted to run to him, but I couldn't, I lay there while they still worked on me, and I could not hold my husband I could not tell him I was sorry I could not take away his pain, I could not handle mine. He held his second born son while he passed and then he cried in the arms of his mother and my grandma. Again, I was helpless to stop this, helpless to take his pain away and handle my own. The pain our parents feel, the pain of our brothers and sisters. After I was cleaned up I wept in the arms of my mother, the arms of my husband. I could find no comfort. Nothing felt right, everything was in shambles.

Shortly, after their birth, they rolled my boys in, dressed in the most beautiful crocheted wraps, laying on the most beautiful crocheted blankets. They positioned them holding hands. I cried, my husband cried. What was left of my heart was laying there in that hospital bassinet. I felt like I was on the outside watching this happen to someone else. This could not be happening to me, to us. We named our sons. Quinton Edward and Owen Scott, weighed less than a pound each and only 8 and 9 inches long. When I felt like I could take no more, I had to make arrangements for them. I had decide how to lay my children to rest. This immediate pain stung my heart. Our options were to bury them, send them to pathology where they would treat them like tissue, cremate them, and I would never know what happened to them, or we could have them cremated and take them home with us. We chose to have them cremated and take them home with us. Everything happened so fast. The hospital called the funeral home, and they came up to talk to us, to pray and to take my sons with them. I asked to see them one last time. We held them, we cried. All the dreams and expectations I had for them. Everything I had ever wanted to see them accomplish, was gone. They were gone, my sweet baby boys were gone. I had to hand them over to someone else who promised to take good care of them. But they couldn't, never as good as we could have, no one could ever love them as much as us, no one. I had to give my babies to God, then I had to give my babies to complete strangers at a funeral home. I didn't trust either one of them at that point, but I had no other choice. I just had to keep giving them away, as much as I wanted to keep them, I had to keep handing them over to someone else.

Saturday, April 28th, 2012 we had to go to the funeral home to make their final arrangements and pick out their tiny urn. I had no idea they made urns so small. Ignorance is bliss. I cried in that funeral home, when I signed those papers with each of their names listed at the top. First Quinton's, then Owen's. My boys. My angels. We picked their urn, they explained the process to us, and I cried more. My husband put on this strong face, he held me up when I thought my knees would buckle beneath me. The people at the funeral home were very compassionate, they were very kind. I begged them to keep them together. If mommy and daddy weren't there, all they had was each other. He promised me that they would. The following Friday, a week to the day they were born. I picked up my boys in a n urn. I bought them home in an urn, not a car seat. I held that urn all the way home, and I cried.

The next week was a blur, I stayed home. I talked to our family, my friends, and I cried, very often. I cannot describe this pain. I cannot describe how one minute you can have a half smile on your face and the next be crying uncontrollably. I wanted the world to stop. I still do. I want to grieve this unimaginable loss, but everything keeps moving around me. Life is still going on. I feel like I want to die. I have this burning sensation to be with them, I move because people tell me I have to. I eat once a day because my husband asks me to. People tell me they need me, but I don't know why. Why would you need me? I am good for nothing. People promise me this will get better. I keep thinking this is an awful dream, every night I go to sleep with the help of a pill and every morning I wake up to the reality that is my life. My grief starts again, and every day it takes on a new face, a new challenge.

My first born children, my sons, my precious beautiful babies. I have to go on without you. I have to find strength I don't have, that I don't want to have. I feel so empty with out your movement, so unhappy with out the anticipation of raising you. Your room, all the things we bought for you. The many things we had planned. Mother's Day, Fathers Day, your daddy's birthday Memorial Day, Independence day, the day that was scheduled for your baby shower, my birthday, the date you were due, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I have to do all of these things with out you. I had plans, as crazy as it seemed, I could not wait to show you off, to buy things for you, watch you grow, smile, cry, play, take pictures of you with all of your family, everyone who anticipated your arrival. I am broken, defeated, angry, a million emotions all rolled into one messed up person, me. I cannot see outside of the loss of you, everything else is so pointless.

I started back to work this week. I have went through the motions. I have cried, I have laughed, and I have cried again. I have thought about you both. I have asked God why, everyday. He does not answer me. I talk to you, I hope you can hear me. I love you both more than this life itself, I hope you can feel it. I will live for you if that's what I have to do, I cannot promise that everyday will be wonderful. I cannot promise that I won't be afraid. I cannot promise that I will live my life on the edge. I cannot promise that I will not have my days where I just want to curl up and die. But for you Quinton and Owen, I promise that everyday, I will pick myself up and I will do this. My heart will be broken, I will miss you everyday, I will tell your future brothers and sisters about you, I will teach them how to talk to you. Your daddy and I will never forget you or the day you came into this world, and the same day you left it. I will love you with my whole heart everyday for the rest of my life. You both will always be the first, you have shown me that love this big is possible, where I could have only imagined it before. I will always be your Mommy, and Daddy will always be your Daddy. No one will ever know the measure of our love for you, no one will ever love you as much as us, no one. I will do this for you. I will do whatever it takes to see you again, I will see you again, and you will be in my arms again. It may take me awhile to get there. Wait for me.

"If you get there before I do

Don't give up on me

I'll meet you when my chores are through

I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down

Darling wait and see

And between now and then

Til I see you again

I'll be loving you

Love, Me."

-Collin Raye

This is my story, my raw emotion, and I cried several times while writing this. I had to take breaks and come back. I am doing this because I have no where else to turn. Because no one in my family knows what this feels like, and they don't know how to make me feel better. I don't know how to make me feel better. There are people who have been through this several times, and they still have hope. That gives me hope. I am here for encouragement and support. I will try to be all of those things to all of you as well. Right now, I probably won't be the best of help, but I will try. I am truly sorry for all of your losses, and when I am not so angry at God I will pray for your comfort, and strength.

mdluv21 · May 2012

I am crying with you. This sounds almost identical like my experience 14 months ago. I also lost twins (conceived via IVF) at 18 weeks. A little boy and a little girl. We also named our little boy Owen.

I totally relate, laying in the hospital bed, feeling the contractions but still praying for some miracle. I also had such a hard time making myself push, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Both my twins were also born living and it broke my heart that they were perfectly healthy and my body failed them.

It may not feel like it right now but it will get a little easier. It won't ever stop hurting but the pain becomes managable. I am sending you and your husband lots of healing thoughts and I have to believe our little ones are playing together right now.

((hugs))

karebear57 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of Quinton and Owen! I also felt/still feel like I let my dh down. It does lighten up a bit, you don't cry as much as time goes on. But you still miss them so much. I went through a "rebellious" stage where I was consuming lots of soda and eating lots of junk food to get back at my body that failed my girl, my dh, me. Now I'm trying to pull myself back out, which is hard! I am so sorry that you had to find this board, but this is a wonderful bunch of women here. Everyone is so supportive of each other so I hope you find the support you need. (((Hugs)))

jbranden12 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Quinton and Owen. What a wonderful tribute to them you have written here. I know many of us can relate the the thoughts and feelings you have described. I am sorry you have to join us, but I hope you can find some comfort here as I have.

pb127 · May 2012

I am so very heartbroken for you, I am so so sorry for the passing of your sons Quinton and Owen. I relived so much of my experience reading yours (at the funeral home with the tiny urns and afterwards).

I truly wish you didn't have to be here, but we are here for you. Don't worry about supporting anyone, just take care of yourself and let us help as we can to support you and comfort you. Be gentle with yourself... sending you so many T&Ps and (((hugs))).

foxxy1 · May 2012

My heart is breaking for you. I remember all too well. I'm so sorry for the losses of your precious Quinton and Owen. Beautiful names for equally beautiful boys.

You'll go through several emotions and let me tell you don't be afraid to laugh or smile. It's perfectly fine. It's also perfectly fine to have anger and resentment. There is no textbook method to grieve.

Please know that you're allowed to be yourself here. No judgment and you're among friends. These women are fantastic and we support each other. ****HUGS***

Petunia844 · May 2012

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you find some comfort here among friends.

mollywobbles13 · May 2012

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious sons. This board is an amazing comfort. Give yourself time to feel all the emotions you feel. I know when we first lost our daughter I literally felt crazy with all the emotions I was having. Something I learned was that everyone grieves differently and there's no "right way" to do it. Just do what your body feels like. *hugs*

cherrycobbler · May 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boys. I'm glad you decided to come to this board. The women here are all very supportive and I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace here.

Much love to you and your family.

BootsOrHearts · May 2012

Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my son at 18 weeks, he passed away inside me for unknown reasons. You are not alone, there are people here and in your life who are there for you. I hope your little angels are in heaven with mine.

eroplane · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sons, Quinton and Owen. Your post was beautifully written. I cried for your sons and cried remembering my babies. We will always love our children and we will never forget them. Big hugs to you. I am so so sorry you are here. Please be gentle on yourself and know that you did nothing wrong.

nuttycoconut · May 2012

I'm so sorry you lost your precious boys Quinton and Owen. Saying goodbye to your babies is the worst tragedy a person could go through. I lost my twins too and my story is very similar to yours. I remember all too well having to push when the babies' hearts were beating away and knowing that pushing them out would end their lives. It's the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. I'm sending you huge hugs. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Auki13 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your twin boys. Remember that they only knew your love and they passed away in your loving arms. I know this is not really a consolation at this point, but you did all that you could for them as a mother and they love you for that.
Everything you are feeling is completely normal. You are so new and raw in your emotions. Please just be gentle with yourself and let others take care of you and things around the house. Everything you are feeling is ok- and yes slowly it will get a little better. You will ALWAYS miss your sons, but the intensity of the pain will lessen and you will be able to focus a bit more on your happy memories of your pregnancy and seeing their beautiful faces.
I hope you can find some comfort here with all these amazing women. Please feel free to vent, cry, ask any questions... We are here for you and we do not judge you. If anything, we will be able to explain to you that you are not alone and that what you are feeling is ok and normal. (((Hugs))) to you and I am sending my love.

FirstTimer02 · May 2012

I just want to say that the phrase "incompetent cervix" makes me really mad. None of us are incompetent!!!!! We are all doing our best to love and take care for our kiddos, in the ways that are available to us. That is all. We are all getting less opportunity to do that than we deeply want. We are all losing our kiddos in different ways. None of those ways are our failures or our faults.

kristin.usher · May 2012

I am so sorry for the losses of your 2 sweet boys. I too can very much relate to your story. I lost my twin girls at nearly 20 weeks due to I.C. It was so heartbreaking to look at 2 perfect little babies and not understand why my body couldn't hold them. While it's so hard to imagine, life does get easier. I remember in the begining it felt like i had to remind my self to breathe. These days when I think of my girls I usually smile instead of cry. You are stronger than you realize. You will make it through.

ehlersm · May 2012

I am so sorry you have to know what this feels like. I lost twin boys at 22 weeks in January. I know exactly how it feels to have no one in your life that knows how you are feeling. I have tried to seek out others who have experienced this and have found great comfort in talking to them. It certainly helps to know we are not alone. Please feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk.

whiteroses05 · May 2012

I am truely sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort here. You are among friends. Know that everyone here is very supportive.

olp79 · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my twin boys on Feb 6, at 22w3d :-( My due date was next month and I was suppossed to deliver them next week. It's been three months and some days are ok and some days are bad. I am feeling very sad this week because my due date is getting close. I hope you feel better and only time will make things better. Big hugs!

tuscanbride2007 · May 2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sons. I hate to welcome you here, but this board is truly a safe place to help you grieve and heal. Hugs to you.

tubbsy32 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boys. As much as I wish none of us had to be here, it is a great support system, and we all can relate to one another. I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))

Mandiemn · May 2012

Your post was such a beautiful way to express your love for your boys and share your story. Thank you so much for writing it and I hope it helped you in some way to write it down. I know it has helped me to write and to get it out. We can all relate to you here, so I hope you never have to feel alone. I know what it's like to not have any family or friends who have been through this. It seems like we can only "get" each other.

Know that nothing you or your DH are feeling is wrong or weird or not normal. There is no normal with this.

All of my love is with you.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

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Jackie2200 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boys. Your story is similar to mine. I lost my pecious baby boys at 19w3d last February. It just is not fair. Thinking of you.

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