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June 2011 Moms
Magenta728
member
"The Science behind Dr. Sears: Does it Stand Up?" article
Magenta728
member
Someone on my FB posted this article, which I thought was interesting. There is also an interview with the author of the Time article.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "The Science behind Dr. Sears: Does it Stand Up?" article
Dr Sears gives me the heeby jeebies. I'm all for attachment parenting in a lot of ways. I get the bonding that happens with breastfeeding, babywearing, even cosleeping (which I never did, but I understand!)I get that newborns are learning to trust and they need to be responded to.
But he seems to advocate taking on debt in order to avoid being a working mom, and I just can't get on board with that.
But he sure has found a way to twist research to prey on the fears of mothers, and made millions doing it.
Yep. He's a quack, in my opinion.
I fall into a lot of the "attachment parenting" categories just because of the way I instinctually parent my child. I just do what feels right to me, and yes I research certain decisions, but for the most part I go by instinct. If I had never heard the term "attachment parenting," I'm pretty sure I would still parent the same way.
I do have Dr. Sear's The Baby Book, but I mainly use it to read about developmental milestones, etc. That is the only thing I've read by him. Based on reading this article, I'm glad I've haven't read much more by him, even though we do choose not to "CIO."
When we first started doing Ferber, MH's friend sent us a Dr. Sears article and pretty much told us "I hope you don't get offended but according to this article you're f'ing up your baby". I just sent this article to MH telling him to send it to his friend and tell him that there's always 2 sides to a story.
MPZ born June 2011
TTC #2 ... Cycle 1-3: IUI = BFN | Cycle 4: IVF ... canceled but 3 snow babies
Cycle 5: FET .. BFP! | EDD - 3/15/2014
It's reading things like the statements from dr sears that made me petrified to try any type of sleep training at all with my daughter. She doesn't have a "fuss" mode. It's 0-100 in 1 second. Though we do not do Ferber no method was no cry for us. It was just am I sitting next to her trying to soothe her while she's screaming, do I rock her while she's screaming or do I leave the room and let her scream? Her issue is that she only wants to sleep with me. The problem is she doesn't sleep well, I don't sleep well, she can't sleep at all if my husband is in bed too so he's been on the couch for months. When I say doesn't sleep well I mean oftentimes hourly wake ups all night.
Everytime I would even think about sleep training I would inevitably stumble across something telling me how I was going to brain damage my kid so I kept saying, next month. Maybe one more month will fix the problem. It did not. All we have is a house with a chronically sleep deprived child and parents. I finally started sleep training last night and then of course I see this this morning and am terrified all over again that I irreparably harmed her by making her cry.
Somehow I don't understand how having parents literally split up and everyone tired and cranky all the time is really better. She's almost a year old, how long am I supposed to keep going through this for her to just decide she is going to sleep on her own? Is there some way to convince her that sleeping in her crib is just as great as sleeping with mommy with no crying at all that I have somehow overlooked?
I have had a baby literally attached to me 24/7 for 11 months. She rejected bottles so I can't leave her. She screams when put down so I clean and anything else wearing her. She won't sleep alone so I go to bed when she does. I take showers with her pounding on the door screaming because i dared to put her down but she hates water so she wont go in with me. I don't think I am being selfish or only wanting "convenience" when I say that I need a few moments to myself. I am sure Dr. Sears would disagree.
Kas, I am really sorry too. Like I said I haven't read much by Dr. Sears but I know that one of the tenents of attachment parenting is balance. This is from his website:
Balance: In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby ? knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.
So please don't feel guilting about doing things that are good for you, too. I hope you find a sleep solution that works for you all soon.
But how do you find the balance when everything leads to I controllable crying that is so bad? That's what I am struggling with. I could deal with fussing but I do worry about her stress levels when she is flat out screaming/gagging/etc.
I really agree with some of the pps and I want to say I can relate. Emerson was seriously exactly the same, but it got to a point when she wouldn't even sleep with me - she wanted to just be awake and with me all.the.time. Obviously this was totally unhealthy for her, for me, for MH, for our marriage...and on and on. We made the insanely difficult decision to use the extinction method. I do not at all want to minimize how hard it was for us to either come to that decision, or to actually put it in practice. I also don't want to exaggerate the results, but I swear our daughter made a complete 180 and she is SO much happier now.
Once she started sleeping (and, she's still not sleeping through the night, but she is in her crib and it is MUCH better), it was like we had a different baby. She started progressing developmentally (crawling, babbling and saying words, etc.), she started interacting more with both of us, eating better and was just so clearly in a better place. I really think that our attachment has grown greatly since she started getting the sleep she needs.
Until a few months ago, I would have argued to the end of time against CIO methods, but with the advice of our pedi, we realized we needed to give this a try. For babies like Emerson, and maybe like your baby, timed check-ins just don't work. When we tried to check on her, it just restarted the cycle. I've come to believe that some babies simply need to learn how to sleep.
Anyway, I could go on and on and tell you more if you're interested, but I'm sending big, big hugs. You will all get through this one way or another.
This sounds like my DD. Because she's a twin and I need to give her brother some attention too, we reached this point a bit earlier--9 months or so. At the time, I felt like a horrible, horrible mother (how dare I admit that I need to sleep?!), but now.....well, I think I would have been a horrible mother if I hadn't done it. She is so much happier, and so am I. She sleeps, she enjoys playing with her books by herself, she doesn't scream if I am not attached to her. I think she will always have the more "challenging" personality compared to her always-happy-always-calm brother, but at least now she has learned to control herself a bit.
I've been reading Bringing Up Bebe, the book written by an American mom living in Paris that compares French and American parenting styles. The French culture toward parenting just sounds so....normal and pleasant. For them, it's all about balance--balance in the mother-child relationship, balance in the mother-father relationship, balance in the relationship the mother has with herself. Most of all, it sounds like the French culture does not put guilt on moms, which is definitely something I would like to emulate!
Anyway, from my experience, I don't see your daughter suddenly deciding to control her frustrations without your guidance. If she's like mine, you have to teach her to do that, which will be a new, unwelcome experience for her--but one that may very well be best for her and you, not just in the long run, but in the very near future.
Kas, you're not alone, your daughter sounds like mine. I nurse to sleep, bed share and pretty much have her in my arms most of the day. Now I say most of the day, since I do get some breaks when she wants to explore and play. I used to have to sit or lie on the floor with her, slowly she started rolling away from me and then I would be able to sit in my chair near her. After awhile she started exploring bit by bit and moving further and further away from me. Now that she is walking she seems a bit more adventurist and likes to take off and play. This was not over night and she still has her moments where she must be held every where, but I do get some relief with her now that she is more daring. Some babies are just more sensitive to things and need extra encouragement from us to help them.
Sleep wise she nurses for all naps and night time. I don't go to bed till 11pm ish, she takes a nap after supper she plays for awhile then we go to bed. She also wakes up to nurse throughout the night. We have a kind size bed so we all get to sleep in it, if your bed is too small for the three of you maybe try sidecarring her crib it would give her extra space to roll around but allow your husband to sleep next to you. It may give you just a bit more sleep also. Since she is used to and early bed time get things set up the same and have your husband sneak in later when he is ready for bed. Our bedroom door is very noisy so I don't shut it completely that way Alexis doesn't hear it, she is very sensitive to sound and would wake up at the slightest sound. Naps are still in her chair from the swing it is easier on me and her since she doesn't sleep well in her crib.( I'm still working on that one) And unless I am napping too I don't put her in our bed(too high up off the floor).
I actually like Dr.Sears, but he is only human so I do what feels right for me, CIO is not for "this child". I will not put her through that and she will not give up either if I tried. I am in the process of figure out the nurse to sleep cycle trying to find the best technique for us. I came across a site someone link in the AP forum and sorta like this way of thinking. I'm not sure what method I will try but will give you the link to give you something else.https://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
If you need someone to talk to about feeling like a walking zombie I'm here for you, this will get better.
I'm with the PP who said that they have ended up similar to an "attachment parent" simply by doing what felt right and instinctual. I started doing most of that stuff not having any idea that there was a name or some kind of classification to it.
That said, most professionals (such as Dr.Sears, Ferber etc) have some good information and some information that not everyone will agree with. And what you do and don't agree with will depend on who YOU are. To blindly follow ANY person who writes a book or has a PhD is the dumbest thing you could do and is a reflection on your knowledge, not theirs.