Xp: loss at 18 weeks

BootsOrHearts · May 2012

Here I sit in the hospital on day 2 of this ordeal. Found out yesterday the babys heart stopped beating about a week ago. I am still totally in shock. Everything had been textbook perfect so far. I'm waiting to deliver our child do we can say goodbye and start to heal. I don't know what comes next. They keep asking if I want an epi but I don't have much pain yet. Maybe that means it will be a while.

I have so many questions about what happened some of which may never be answerred. I just want this physical part to be over.

I feel like I've died a little inside.

Just wanted to say hi and would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been through something similar. Even though my husband is with me I feel so alone.

tuscanbride2007 · May 2012

I remember feeling very alone when I had to deliver my sleeping daughter; I thought no one else could ever have experienced this kind of loss. Come to find out, there are many women from all walks of life who have been there and understand. Stay strong; you will get through this and then your healing can begin.

There is a quote that I recently saw that has resonated with me: "The bereaved mother. She has experienced the unimaginable, yet she is still able to walk."

Thoughts and prayers to you and your husband. Hugs to you.

SJHodgson · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss! I was told my last pregnancy that my daughter's heart had stopped, and was admitted to the hospital the next day to be induced. I hope that you are able to find answers for the loss of your baby, it is a very difficult process that you just need to take one step at a time.

jbranden12 · May 2012

Like I said in your other post, I'm so sorry for your loss. I was induced at 31 weeks when our daughter's heart stopped beating. I received 3 doses of Cytotec before my contractions really picked up. I was hesitant to get the epi because I didn't want to slow down the labor (little did I know that once that stuff started working, there wasn't much I could do to slow it down!). It seems like my contractions went from being barely anything to really strong very quickly. The emotional pain magnified the physical pain I was in and I finally requested the epi. It took a while before the anesthesiologist came because it was 3am, but hopefully you won't have to worry about that since it's daytime now.

In the end, I was glad I labored naturally for a while because remembering that pain helps to remind me that I am a mother. I was in labor, and I gave birth to my daughter. But I'm glad I got the epi so I could rest a bit before the incredibly emotional experience that was meeting my daughter.

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this place. I hope you can find some support here when you are ready.

figgs0831 · May 2012

I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. I remember all to well the first time I had to deliver. The fear of not knowing what would happen, the funeral planning, everything. We were in shock and just going through the motions.

I would be more then happy to answer any questions you may have. Just send me a PM.

As far as advice... try to rest. Cry if you need to. Ask the nurses questions. Are you planning on holding your baby after? If so, take a picture. Memorize every feature on his/her face. We weren't aware that we would have to do these things and we were not ready or prepared. We chose not to see our first son and I regret it everyday. When our second came, we took the time to hold him, dressed him, talked to him and said our goodbyes. I would not change it for the world.

As for pain... this is a personal choice. Some labors are quick and some are not. With my first, I chose not to do a epi and instead opted for IV pain meds. That was enough for me. With my second I went all natural and it was long and terrible. Looking back, I should have taken the epi. Contractions can go from painless to painful very quickly. So if you choose an epi, don't wait until you are in unbearable pain.

You are not alone and all of us are here if you need. ((huge hugs))

eroplane · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. Do whatever feels natural to you - don't worry about what you are supposed to do or feel. You, your husband and baby are the only ones that matter.

I delivered my twins unexpectedly at 23w3d without any pain medication. I had planned to have a csection since she was breech but it didn't work out that way. The contractions leading up to their birth got increasingly more uncomfortable and the 4 big ones were pretty painful but I'm glad I went through it. Like a pp said, the pain made me feel like a mom (however silly that sounds) and I was able to get into a wheelchair soon after.

There are services your hospital may offer - photography (NILMDTS) and pastoral care if you wish.

After the baby's delivery they will deliver your placenta. I knew this but I wasn't ready for it and it took a little while after the babies were born.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you. I am so so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Big big hugs.

Petunia844 · May 2012

I'm so sorry. I was induced at 33 weeks after finding out my son had passed away when I was sleeping. I remember the horrible place you are in now, just waiting for a nightmare to end. I don't honestly remember details of those days, I just sobbed in my husbands arms and people came and went, doctors and nurses did things to me... the time just passed, somehow. I'm so very sorry. I hope that as the days, months and eventually years pass you can find some comfort here.

pottermommy · May 2012

I am so very very sorry.

mdluv21 · May 2012

Both my babies were born living at 18 weeks but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so sorry this is happening and I am sending you all the healing vibes I have for the coming weeks/months.

The best advice I can give is to talk to someone immediately after, I started seeing a grief counselor the following week after I was released and honestly it was the only thing that saved me from depression.

((hugs)) and more ((hugs))

magdalina.h · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss

weddedwife · May 2012

I'm so very sorry for your loss. As you prepare to meet your LO I recommend a few things: hold the baby, take pictures. Keep the lil hat, the blanket. Have the nurses take footprints. This is your child, you will still love this child living or dead. I recommend getting the epi. This process will be hard enough. In my experience labor goes a lot faster at this gestation than at full term; I didn't have time to get the epi, everything happened so fast.

Good luck to you mama. I'll be thinking of you.

lrichmond86 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. Please know that we are sending our T&P. My loss was at 31 weeks, so I imagine delivery will be very different for us. One of my regrets is that I was on so many anti-anxiety drugs during my delivery that I don't remember much of it. Although I know that this was medically necessary to keep my blood pressure down, I wish that I had more memories of our short time with our little boy. This is probably not very helpful advice, but looking back on it I wish someone had told me this. I hope that your time in the hospital passes quickly. Best wishes.

pb127 · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry you have to be here, but I am glad you came over. Take all the time you want with you LO. Like weddedwife said, take pictures (including some of all three of you) and keep any "memory" items that the hospital gives you. Also, ask your husband to see if your nurse will do footprints/handprints for you, so you can have those as well.

As you go home and in the days ahead, be very gentle on yourself. The days are so tender and painful, but you will make it through. Post anything at all you wish here, we're here for you. Many T&Ps and (((hugs))) your way.

Mrs Nice · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss! I cry each time I see someone new posting on here. It's just not fair. The other ladies have given good advice. I just want to add that even tho you feel alone don't push your DH away. Hold him close. My DH was my savior. My rock. He was so strong for me when I couldn't be. Love and hugs to you!

foxxy1 · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby. I just wanted to let you know you have a strong support system and we're here for you. My heart just breaks for you. I'll keep you and YH in my prayers.

barrona · May 2012

I am so very sorry for your loss. I remember finding out when our daughter's had stopped and my world stopped along with it. I was rushed to L&D and was induced. I completely understand the feeling of being alone even though people are in the room with you. I will be thinking about you and your family and will have you in my prayers.

Carolee · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also felt very alone after losing our son. Sadly, I found out after his loss that there are others who have also experienced the horrible tragedy of losing a child. What helped me the most in the early days was to read others' stories because it did help me feel like I wasn't alone. We are here if you need us.

dexnmav · May 2012

Sort of sounds like what happened to me, and I'm so sorry it's happening to you too. I remember before I delivered my mind being so clear. We made a plan on what to do with Rowan's ashes, I felt good about the decisions, since coming home, I've fluctuated on some things, but maybe someday I will be strong enough to go through with the original plan to have the ashes put on our property 10 hours away from home - right now, no.

They said I could have any drugs I wanted (I said "all of them" ). I got dilaudid and later got the epi. I wasn't in a ton of pain but I didn't want to "feel".

I'm so glad I held my little boy and told him how much I loved him. We kept his blankets, hat, got pics, foot prints and they also did a foot casting. It was painful to watch my mom hold him and rock him. Do those things. The things that hurt the most while I was in the hospital are the things I remember best.

Giving {hugs} and wishing peace.

tubbsy32 · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. Advice?? Wow, this whole situation just sucks for all of us. But I would say just let yourself feel, whether it's sad or mad, or just numb. None of what we ever feel is wrong, once I listened to my counselor, I stopped feeling bad or guilty for feeling certain emotions. Just let it all out. I am so sorry. ((hugs))