- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
TTC After a Loss
kpowers982
member
I'm having a moment (preg./poss. loss mentioned)
kpowers982
member
First off, let me say that I truly hope I do not offend anyone by posting my "woe is me" vent here right now...I seriously thought about putting this on the M/PL board, but I feel like you guys are my friends, and I'm kind of floating off in the middle of nowhere right now, somewhere between the PGAL and the TTCAL boards. Also, this is really long...I just needed an outlet. It's fine if no one comments, I just don't have anyone to tell this to so I had to get it out somewhere.
I've been okay pretty much this week. Numb, mostly. Since the beta from last weekend was so low, I had a whole day to reconcile the fact that I was facing another loss before I found out after the next beta that there was a sliver of hope. But I've just been going about my week as though the loss has already occurred, and I'm just awaiting confirmation...I'm totally detached. Believe me, I'll be heartbroken to know for sure, but as of right now I'm just detached.
But now I'm angry. Like, that deep, unsettled rage I felt right after my first loss. I make the mistake of lurking on PGAL, and the posts about great U/S's and more-than-doubling betas just made me so MAD. Why them? Why not me too? Why is everything I do such a struggle? I'm so flipping jealous. It boggles my mind that I have to deal with this mind f*ck for the better part of a week and that they'll more than likely confirm what I've known from the moment I saw that questionably positive test. This just seems so cruel. I'm pretty negative about how this would turn out, but of course since they don't know for sure, there's a small part of me that hasn't given up. And even though it's a tiny part of me, I'm not ready to feel the grief that I know I'll feel when I get the bad diagnosis. I'd love for this to turn around but part of me just wants this to be over so I can stop feeling this way.
I feel so completely alone in my real life. DH is amazingly supportive, but he's working 70 hour work weeks right now, so I don't see him a whole lot...so he's not there as much for me to vent to. I can't tell my mom about this, I don't want to crush her again and right before mother's day too. I have an IRL friend who was on TTCAL and was pretty much the only person following my first loss who got me though the initial few weeks after everything happened. But she's pregnant now, which is great, but like so many others on this board in a similar situation, I'm thrilled for her, but so damn jealous and sad for myself. She's 3 weeks ahead of where I should be, so that's going to be hard down the line too. It feels like when you're single, and all your friends are in relationships, but you have that one single friend who you do everything with because you are on the same page and can relate to each other...and then she gets a boyfriend and you're all alone again with no one to relate to. I did tell 2 other friends, but they weren't very supportive. Neither of them have kids or are married/TTCAL so I get that they probably don't understand how difficult this is, and it probably makes them feel awkward, but don't you think if you saw someone you cared about so broken and heartsick, you'd reach out? I told them both through text on Monday, and I got basically "oh, that sucks. Let me know if you need anything" and nothing more. No calls, no checking in, no asking for updates.
I'm just getting really tired. I don't have much if any fight left in me. I'm ready to give up. I'm broken and I don't have the energy to put myself back together again.
Cycle 7: BFP 1-17-12, Missed Miscarriage at 8w6d (measured 7w2d, no HB), D&C 2-29-12
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm having a moment (preg./poss. loss mentioned)
I wish I could give you a hug. You will find the energy to put yourself back together, if need be ... But I am so sorry it's all so very hard right now.
(I'll respond more later, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.)
We lost our first (EDD 07/23/12) after finding out at 12 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat. Our rainbow was born 05/22/13 and was worth all we went through.
“So can you understand? Why I want a daughter while I’m still young? I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before all this damage is done. But if it’s too much to ask, it’s too much to ask … Then send me a son.” – Arcade Fire
I don't know if this will help, but since having a MC I will stop in a church near me every once in awhile just to have a moment to myself. I'm not particularly religious but I like to go when its empty either to pray, think, ponder life..whatever. Well, I haven't been in awhile and decided I need to go today...You, my friend, are the first person I prayed for. I lit a candle for you and I so hope you get the closure and the happiness you deserve.
BIG SQUISHY (((HUGS)))
(siggy warning)
Oh lady...I wish I could give you a big hug in real life.
What you are going through, with this "limbo", is truly one of the worst experiences anyone can have. When I was told with my second pregnancy that all that was found on the ultrasound was an empty sac, but that I would have to wait and come back 10 days later to "confirm", I remember feeling such a sense of anger. I was sad, devastated really, but also filled with rage. Just what the fcuk do they mean that the baby isn't growing? What the fcuk do they mean when they say that they "need to tell me the results are concerning"? I had already freaking been the one in four....now it was my time to be the other 75 godd@mn percent!
Those 10 days were the worst of my entire life...not knowing if I should "act" or "behave" like I was pregnant, or if I should try to "be normal". In some ways, by the time I went in for that follow up ultrasound I just wanted it all to be over....not that I didn't want that baby, I did (I still do), but the mindfcuk and heartbreak limbo was so horrible.
During this time, my family (who knew) didn't approach me at all except to tell me to "quit believing the worst". And that "you wouldn't want a baby that wasn't developing normally". Thanks.
What I am here to tell you though is that you WILL get through this. You WILL walk forward regardless of what those results show. You are stronger then you think you are and you will smile again. And it's okay to be angry, I was. It's okay to cry, to yell, to scream out to the world and god your grief. But please know that, despite how things seem now, you are not alone. There are other women out there who know your heartbreak and wish they could take it away.
Please PM me if you ever need someone else who has been there and understands.
(((HUGS)))
*hugs*
I feel very bitter and angry as well. I feel numb about this last MC, and I feel almost like I haven't processed it yet.
I feel like everyone around me have kids / are pregnant and it's SO EASY for most of them.. and I am always left behind.
You are not alone. These feelings are so hard to deal with, and no one really understands what we are going through. At least not people that have not gone through this. The pregnant smiling lady on the ad shown on this page is not helping matters at all.
All I can offer is an ear and a shoulder. And maybe some Mojito.
נשמה שבאה לעולם למספר חודשים לשהות במעי האם, היא נשמת צדיק גמור שבאה לעולם רק לתקן פגם קטן ולאחר מספר חודשים אלו היא שבה למקומה לגן עדן להתענג על ה'. לעתיד לבוא נשמה זו תוכר באחד מבנייך ובזכות נשמת צדיק זה תזכי להיות במחיצת צדיקים
TTC Since September 2011
BFP#1:Dec.1.11 EDD:Aug.09.12 MC:Jan.11.12 (9WK5D)-Natural
BFP#2:Apr.18.12 EDD:Dec.21.12 MC:May.1.12 (6WK3D)-D&C
BFP#3:Sep.12.12 - Suspected CP | BFP#4:Dec.1.12 - Suspected CP
BFP#5: Dec.26.12 EDD:Sep.10.13 MC:Jan.7.13 (4WK6D)-Natural
BFP#6: Jun.11.13 EDD:Feb.23.13 Beta: #1=8000 #2=24532 US@6wk2d showed 7wk2d size with 143BPM HR * NT US@12wk6d looked good. A/S passed with flying colors and our team color is Blue! *Grow my little Pamplemousse*!!!
*PGAL/PAL Welcome*
My Ovulation Chart
i have no genius advice, but i give really good (((hugs)))!!!
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12
I'm so sorry that you are going through this again. It really is hell to wait on results to tell you something so important. I really hope that things get better for you, I'm just so sorry (( Hugs ))
I'm so sorry you are in beta hell. No one should have to experience miscarriage once, much less go through the roller coaster that you are going through. As someone who has experienced recurrent loss, I am truly sorry that you are going through this.
(((HUGS)))
I could have written this post word for word 6 weeks ago. The betas that logically tell you one thing but offer that damn sliver of hope. The TTCAL friend that got her sticky BFP. The single friends that try to support but have no Flucking clue. All of it. I still can.
I wish I could tell you it gets better. Maybe it does, but I'm not seeing it, what I can tell you is you can cope. Really, truly honestly - you will get through this.
science will resolve and win out on irrational hope. Once that happens, you can move to the next step and try to find out why.
Your TTCAL friend - she will support you. There will be days when you just can't deal with her, and that will be ok, because she will understand, and will ask again the next day how you are doing. And you may even surprise yourself when you celebrate those u/s's and milestones with her.
The unmarried childless friends - they make great drinking buddies. And Even though They dont get it, they love you. It's okay to tell them what you need, it's also ok to accept that they can't give it to you. Sometimes all friend really can do is just give you a big hug and put you another glass of wine.
Piece by piece, day by day, you get up, get dressed, you'll put one foot in front of the other - and you'll make it through. And one day, sooner than you think, you'll be ready to fight again.
BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
Oh, sweet lady. My heart is broken for you. It's all just so unfair.
You don't have the energy to put yourself back together again YET. First, you will be pissed off, devastated, and envious. Let yourself feel all of those things! Soon, when your heart begins to mend itself, you will realize that you do have the strength to soldier on.
Don't you dare give up; there's a board full of ladies who will kick your butt if you even think about it.
A million ((hugs)) and wishes for peace and healing.
TTC Since Summer 2011
BFP #1 11/5/11 EDD 7/22/12 MC 11/14/11
PGAL/PAL Always Welcome
BFP #2: 8/31/12 EDD: 5/18/13 Chemical pregnancy: 9/4/12
BFP #3: 5/17/13 EDD: 1/24/14 Loss at 5 weeks: 5/29/13
Lots of testing, all clear with the exception of compound heterozygous for the MTHFR mutation.
Cycle 1: Femara, trigger shot, Bravelle added due to slow response = BFN
Cycle 2: Cancelled due to two cysts =(
Cycle 3: Femara, Bravelle, trigger shot and IUI = BFP then loss #3
Cycle 4: Femara, Follistim, trigger shot and IUI = BFP! EDD: 6/7/14
PGAL/PAL welcome
Hugs for you! I'm so sorry. I relate to all of the things you are describing. The anger, and the loneliness. I remember the doctor telling me he still had some hope for my 2nd pg after a terrible u/s (he said my dating might be really off--but it wasn't, I was charting), and I was so mad about the sense of holding out false hope. It felt useless. (And in my case, I was right, but I hope very much that for you it's not.)
And there was this moment after the u/s when everyone left the room and my DH went to try to track down my OB, and I was standing there alone and I just started kicking the chair (which is so out of character for me). Sometimes the whole thing is just totally overwhelming.
I'd say things are getting better, because I am getting through my days now, 6 weeks later. I am still so bitter. Way more bitter than the first time around. But I'll be okay. I'll keep on trucking. There aren't really other choices.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart breaks for you.
I know youre feeling probably as low as you've ever felt but you can't give up. I made myself a promise that I'll do whatever it takes and iwant you to make that promise to me too.
I genuinely hope things start getting better for you soon. Lots of (HUGS).
BFP #2 - 10-11-2012 Beta 38, 10-15-2012 Beta 518!.
K, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have not had 2 losses, but I totally understand where you're coming from in so many ways. That tiny sliver of hope is a lifeline. You want to hold onto it, to just prove to yourself that you're not losing faith, but you know it's such a thin rope that you wonder why you even hold on at all.
The waiting game is horrendous. When you just know what is happening but the lab data isn't there to prove it... total mind f*ck for lack of a better term.
Please, please don't give up. Months ago, during your first loss, you may have had these same feelings of despair, and you weren't sure how you'd make it another minute, let alone a month. But you did, and you will again. Until then, we are all here for you, whether you TTC or TTA for a while.
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12