gtky: how many friends do you have that you can talk to?

baby&thesea · May 2012

Just wondering how you ladies cope with your TTC journey in real life. How many friends do you have that you can talk to openly about your TTC journey and your loss? I've been feeling alone and like I really have to stop myself from talking about it IRL. Anyone else?

kpowers982 · May 2012

None. I could talk to any of my friends, but I don't have anyone that will understand or say things that or helpful or not condescending. My friends all either have kids and have not had a loss, or do not have kids and are nowhere near starting a family. They've all said stuff like, "it'll happen eventually, now's not your time" or "you just need to relax and let it happen," and it's completely counterproductive for me.

I do have one friend whose had a loss, but she is pregnant with her third child and I just don't want to burden her...plus I don't want to hear about her pregnancy We're just on different pages. At least I have you guys, though!

foxxy1 · May 2012

I don't. I only have this board and my Loss mamas I talk to.

rebekam · May 2012

2 friends that I talked to about my loss. 1 was my MOH, a fellow nurse. She has never been through this but had all of the right things to say. The second is a co-worker. She has a DD and just had a DS. We bonded over some difficult things and she was the first one who I told about the mc. She has been amazing and because of that she is the only one with a new baby that I can honestly sit with and talk and hold the baby. I don't know why but I love her so much for everything that she did and said to support me!

StephNordenmalm · May 2012

I have a best friend who tries to understand and shes great, however she prego. So its hard. I have another lady who I work with who has been struggling with getting pregnant for the last few years. Shes amazing, I love talking with her! Sometime I just feel a litle guilty venting to her because she has been through so much more and for so much longer. Then I have all you wonderful ladies!

rebekam · May 2012

kpowers982:

None. I could talk to any of my friends, but I don't have anyone that will understand or say things that or helpful or not condescending. My friends all either have kids and have not had a loss, or do not have kids and are nowhere near starting a family. They've all said stuff like, "it'll happen eventually, now's not your time" or "you just need to relax and let it happen," and it's completely counterproductive for me.

I do have one friend whose had a loss, but she is pregnant with her third child and I just don't want to burden her...plus I don't want to hear about her pregnancy We're just on different pages. At least I have you guys, though!

That's why you have me!

DaisyZH · May 2012

I don't really feel like I have anyone, my immediate family and in-laws know but I feel like they think I am dwelling on it and that it's not a huge deal. That's probably just me feeling over sensitive, I really wish I could talk about it openly.

kpowers982 · May 2012

rebekam:
kpowers982:

None. I could talk to any of my friends, but I don't have anyone that will understand or say things that or helpful or not condescending. My friends all either have kids and have not had a loss, or do not have kids and are nowhere near starting a family. They've all said stuff like, "it'll happen eventually, now's not your time" or "you just need to relax and let it happen," and it's completely counterproductive for me.

I do have one friend whose had a loss, but she is pregnant with her third child and I just don't want to burden her...plus I don't want to hear about her pregnancy We're just on different pages. At least I have you guys, though!

That's why you have me!

I know. And I am so happy I do!

lovelainie · May 2012

My mom has been incredible through my entire TTC journey.

Even though she never suffered a loss, and definitely didn't deal with IF, she just listens and tries to learn about what's going on without being pushy or giving bad advice.

AngnShaun · May 2012

I have 4 friends that ive known since we were born. They always say the right things like... im here for you, sorry, if you want to talk let me know, im praying for you... but i know they dont understand, and thats fine. I dont need them to understand as long as they keep doing what they are doing.

I also have 2 cousins that im close with and they are very supportive after. I found out i was pregnant for the first time the day after 1 told me she was pregnant... Well she had her baby and she will be 1 at the end of the month. Ive since been pg 4 more times and i think she cries just as much as me every time she found out. She also offered to be a gestational carrier for me since its illegal in NY i would need a family member to do it.

I also get a lot of support from my sisters and my SIL.

kiki4 · May 2012

I don't...just this board. My SIL has had a loss, but she is very self absorbed. The one friend I thought I could talk to told me I just need to drink and relax, so as far as friends go, I am pretty much alone.

besoul · May 2012

StephNordenmalm:
I have a best friend who tries to understand and shes great, however she prego. So its hard. I have another lady who I work with who has been struggling with getting pregnant for the last few years. Shes amazing, I love talking with her! Sometime I just feel a litle guilty venting to her because she has been through so much more and for so much longer. Then I have all you wonderful ladies!

This exactly. My best friend is due next month (today was my EDD). Sadly, this has impacted our relationship pretty substantially. It is hard.

I have a small, close group of girlfriends that I can talk to. However, I don't bring it up often because it's hard to talk about and hard for them to hear about. Miscarriage can be very isolating.

panacea05 · May 2012

Zero. Thank God for TTCAL.

neesie3173 · May 2012

2 cousins. I who had her own loss a few years back, and one that went through several cycles of IUI before finally getting her sticky babies.

KDS1987 · May 2012

2. I have one that is going through about the same thing as us so we complain together. Then the other is a wife I met at my husbands last training that I just really clicked with. She was the only person I told when we started trying, the first friend to know about the pregnancy, I called her on my way to the ER when we lost the baby, and she has asked how I am doing almost every week since. We now live on opposite coasts but still talk all the time. I am so greatful for both of them!

Laurakat81 · May 2012

None. My best friend has been left with some serious fertility issues after a brain tumor but even she doesn't get it. We're definitely connected deeper than anyone else I know just because we have fertility issues in common. But she hasn't TTC yet so she doesn't get my frustrations month after month or truly understand my losses.

I honestly don't talk to her about it much because well, take for example...A couple weeks ago we went to a bridal shower and I noticed a mutual friend, K, was suddenly not drinking alcohol which was very uncharacteristic. I mentioned it to my bff, who for one was absolutely amazed that I'd pick up on something like that. Anyone struggling with TTC knows we pick up on everything pregnancy related to no matter how hard we try not to! The following day she went to K and straight up asked her!!! I was horrified when I found out and she just didn't understand why I was upset that she asked her, she thought she was doing me a favor! For one, you just NEVER ask someone that, two my bff barely knows K, three K said she isn't but what I really think is that she just isn't ready to tell. And that should be her perogative.

Sorry, I got carried away Embarrassed ...but again...no, I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this stuff.

Oh wait, I have a therapist! Stick out tongue

LaTi07 · May 2012

Counting the friends I've made on TB, quite a few actually. Just friends I had IRL, 1. I quickly discovered how uncomfortable IF and PL can make people so I don't talk to them anymore. I don't need their fake support, I need to know I have real support to lean on.

baby&thesea · May 2012

Thanks for everyone's responses! I should clarify that my husband is a huge support to me and we talk about the loss all the time as well as regular TTC business. I'm also really close to my mom and she's a big support because it took her about three years to get pregnant with my sister. But, she can't seem to help throw out the "relax and stop thinking about it" phrase even though I've told her how much it bothers me as well as an occasional statement that hurts my feelings. I lost being able to talk to my sister recently and I lost being able to talk to the person I thought I was closest to friend-wise. I've never had many friends so I shouldn't be surprised I don't really have any women my age to talk with.

Sounds like a lot of you ladies have great IRL friends while others are feeling isolated like me. I hope everyone finds the comfort and support they need!

sunsetlove · May 2012

only a few..family: my SIL has been a great support... friends: three friends who have been there from the beginning.. and the ladies I've met here on the board

egsquared · May 2012

Two. One of my BFFs since high school had multiple m/c's and dealt with IF between her first and second child, just like me. She now has three kids, but she knows what it's like to be there. The other is a girl I work with who also went through multiple losses before having her two kids. She totally understands how I feel. These two ladies give me so much support and hope.

tdmd09 · May 2012

Fortunately or unfortunately, one of my husband's coworker's wives had a m/c a month before my first one and she was incredibly supportive and helpful to me after my first loss. I have made a big effort to return the favor when subsequently a few of my other friends have had losses because I feel very strongly that no one should have to suffer alone.

After my second loss I started to be very open about my struggle and losses. I called it the "F it" stage of grief -- I didn't care who knew, and I didn't care if it made them feel uncomfortable if I answered their incessant "When are you having babies????" questions by talking about my miscarriages. I've had some people reveal their own losses to me in the process and I think it's been helpful for both of us in those situations.

I hope you find someone you feel you can talk to -- this is hard enough to deal with as it is, let alone keeping it bottled up

holly_g13 · May 2012

I'm open with the fact that I had a m/c, But to talk completely open with, I don't really have anyone. A few friends mentioned they had one too, but It's been 5+ yr (one even 15yrs). I know I'll always remember my loss years from now, but I Just feel like I'd be a burden on then by talking about it. Plus, It's still fresh for me, not so much for them. IDK, I don't hide it, but I really feel like I can only truly open up to yet ladies on here. I don't really talk about my ttcal journey with anyone IRL. I Just always feel like ppl get uncomfortable when I bring things like that up. So thank you guys for all your support!

killian09 · May 2012

I only had 1 friend IRL who I talked to about the 1st loss in any detail. She was very helpful. She was very supportive this time too, but she is pg now, so I'm having a harder time with it. I told 2 other friends, but I felt like they didn't relate very much (neither has TTC before nor has kids), so it was hard to really connect about it. My mom probably does relate b/c she experienced infant loss and pg loss, and she has been very helpful. But I have trouble opening up--I guess I hate to feel like I am burdening her or seeming vulnerable or something.

So mostly I've got you guys. thanks ladies!

minicheezburg · May 2012

None. I have my Aunt who tries to understand, DH, and you amazing ladies.

EKGibs · May 2012

I have 2 coworkers that understand what I'm going through. one is a lady who's son is in college but it took her 10 years to get pregnant with him. the other is a lady who gave birth to a stillborn daughter 20 something years ago. both of then cried as hard as I did when I told them about my m/c.

kpowers982 · May 2012

ncchnat:
I have two friends that have been through multiple losses that I can talk to. The one just had her sticky baby, so I try not to bring her down, but she does call to check in on me and I call to talk to her, mostly just about life, when I feel like I need a friend. The other friend, I get to be bitter with. She's had four losses and now found out she will never be able to have a biologocal child so she's angry and she lets me be angry, too.

I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now it seems like she doesn't want to hear it anymore. She always seems preoccupied and changes the subject to stories of my nieces and nephews. It's not that I don't like hearing about them, because I adore those kiddos, but it's back to me being the least important kid of the three of us. I know it's selfish, but I feel like right now, I should be the one my mom gives her attention to. I'm the one going through hell, but it just doesn't seem to matter. I know she cares, but sometimes I feel like I'm so unimportant either because I haven't given her grandkids or she's used to me taking care of things since I'm the one who moved away. However, there are days when I feel like a little kid again who just needs her mommy.

This hurt my heart. I'm sorry you feel that way about your relationship with your mom.

kpowers982 · May 2012

RosiePeare:
DC2London:
The only IRL friends I have whom I would be comfortable discussing TTC/MC with are friends that I met first on The Bump.
I you, friend! DH and I can't wait for our next double date with you guys!!

Um. I'm super jealous you guys get to hang out. Come to Cali and we'll make it a triple date!

krisztina33 · May 2012

My mom has been incredible. She has never once tried to say "I know how you feel" or to minimize my loss (unlike my older sister--she has just been terrible to talk to which surprised me--she is an MD and actually sent me pictures of babies born with severe malformations to "make me feel better" that my MC happened for a reason ?????).

Other than that, I have two friends whose sister's both suffered losses so they are somewhat understanding, but I lean mostly on my therapist Stick out tongue

My BFF who I have known over a decade has a 7 month old son. And she really really really doesn't get it. She complains constantly about how hard it is to be a single parent and how she can't wait till I have a kid so I will understand where she is coming from. AND she always tells me--"you know, it could be worse"...needless to say, we haven't spoken much lately...

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gtky: how many friends do you have that you can talk to?

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