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Pregnant after a Loss
jesuisjamie
member
An Anxious Intro (long-winded)
jesuisjamie
member
Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a while now, and was so excited to be able to join this board. Yet, here I find myself, once again PgAL, and filled with absolute terror and anxiety. Here is my story:
My husband and I began TTC in June of 2011. After two short months of trying in earnest, we were overjoyed when we received a positive HPT in mid-August. Yet one week later (approx. 5w), we ended up miscarrying, which my then-doctor referred to as a chemical pregnancy. We were distraught, but encouraged that it was just bad luck and we'd have better success on the second go around. Doctor offered the usual platitudes: we're "young" (I'm 29, he's 32) and "healthy" (her words, prior to offering any type of testing), and would probably have second the next time.
It would seem that I get pregnant quite easily (it's keeping the pregnancy that seems the challenge), because prior to getting my first period following the miscarriage, we found ourselves pregnant once again. Cautiously excited, I couldn't help but obsessively check the t.p. at each bathroom visit, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Day by day, my stress seemed to ease as the pregnancy advanced. My beta numbers doubled as they were expected to, and we began to relax.
Unfortunately it was not to be, because at our first ultrasound, they discovered that it was a blighted ovum. We were horrified and traumatized, and spent two agonizing weeks waiting to miscarry naturally. In the end, we hesitantly opted for the d&c in early November, and in the weeks and months that followed the surgery, we slowly tried to piece together our lives. The basic RPL testing came back more or less average, only showing one MTHFR mutation (unsure whether C or A type). Our doctor asked me to begin a daily baby aspirin, and I have been taking l-methylfolate along with my prenatal.
Our new OB/GYN cleared us to begin TTC in February of this year, but we put it off for a few months as I still didn't feel ready. I chart, and I have noticed for the last year it seems my LP is rather short, averaging between 10-11 days each month. While I knew this could be a problem, I thought I would wait to discuss it with my doctor (stupid, stupid, stupid).
In early April, we went on vacation and decided to try again as soon as my cycle allowed. I honestly didn't believe it would happen for us so quickly, yet here we are again; we got the positive HPT this past Thursday, May 3. Immediately after the BFP appeared, I noticed I was bleeding. It was scant, only about a teaspoon full of very dark brown/burgundy blood, yet my joy was still tempered with fear and a reluctance to accept that this pregnancy was real. My OB got me in that evening for my first beta, and also prescribed Crinone inserts in the evening. I had brown spotting all day Thursday, Friday it tapered off, and the weekend I had no spotting.
I guess the long story short here is that, like most/all PgAL'ers, I am a complete and total wreck. The few people I have shared my news with have all more or less given me the same obnoxious (and offensive) advice: R.E.L.A.X. I know just as well as everyone on here that relaxing won't make a shred of difference, but further, I feel almost paralyzed by my anxiety and fear to the point where I am having a hard time even believing this is real. I've been told my betas "doubled nicely," in the words of my nurse, but I still can't relax. I have few, if any, people in my real life who would understand. I have tried explaining the fallacy of the "relax" advice, to no avail. I can't help but feel like my pregnancy is doomed to fail, and I think my husband is completely at a loss for words in the face of my terror.
My therapist has asked me to take this a day at a time, and I am honestly giving it my best, but today I was a trainwreck. I can't help but over-analyze each and every twinge and cramp; I was convinced the cramps I experienced today were heralding another miscarriage, but I have yet to notice any more spotting (thankfully).
If you've hung on this long, I sincerely thank you. I am a basketcase, and I didn't know where else to turn. If anyone has any kind words or advice, they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for your time.
TTC #1 since 6/2011 ~
BFP #1: 8/19/2011; C/P 8/27/2011 ~
BFP #2: 9/28/2011; Blighted Ovum DX 10/19/2011; D&C 11/2/2011 ~
(DX 1/2012 w/ hetero MTHFR) ~
BFP #3: 5/3/2012 (RX BA & Progesterone supplements) EDD 1/11/2013 PLEASE be our rainbow baby ~
Ultrasound @ 7 weeks 5/25: We have a heartbeat! 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: An Anxious Intro (long-winded)
Congrats and welcome! It sounds like you've been through a lot to get here, and all of your feelings are completely normal and justifiable for being PgAL. Try to remember that others who haven't had the sorrow of losing a baby won't understand, and will continue to give you advice that no longer applies to you. That's why we're here! Every woman on this board understands where you are coming from. We are here for you! I try to live by the PgAL saying "today I am pregnant, and I love my baby", and to remember that today's anxiety doesn't change tomorrow's outcome. Being anxious/scared/terrified (while all normal) won't change the future. Just some food for thought.
H&H 9 months to you!
TTC since 11/2009; Lap/HSG/Hysteroscopy: 5/2011 (endometriosis - removed; endocervical polyp - removed; high pressure in bilateral tubes - cleared)
BFP #1: 8/4/11; DS1 born sleeping on 11/16/11 at 19w1d
BFP # 2: 5/7/12, EDD 1/10/13, DS2 born 1/4/13
BFP # 3: 11/8/13, EDD 7/17/14, mmc 10wks
BFP # 4: 5/16/14, EDD 1/15/15, praying for our 2nd rainbow baby
I know everything is really scary right now. We've all been there. Just keep in mind the PgAL moto, "Today I am pg and I love my baby". I hope this is your take home baby!
BFP #2 11/3/10; BO at u/s 10w6d 12/16/10; Natural MC 1/7/11; D&C 4/21/11
BFP #3 10/27/11 Please stick, LO!! 2/6/12 It's a Girl! Alexis Grace born 6/29/12
BFP#4 4/27/14 Stick, stick, stick!! 8/11/14 It's a Boy! Evan Wesley born 1/8/15
"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow, that is patience." Let it Be (blog) ♥ My BFP Charts
This time I'm not leaving without you.
TTC #2 BFP 12/6/11 chemical pregnancy natural mc 12/18/11
TTC #3 BFP 3/19/12. 4/9: HR of 134! **Bake Turkey, Bake!**
**All ALs Welcome**
Thank you all so much for taking the time to welcome me and allay my fears. I am feeling a little better today, and I'm really trying to take this one day at a time. I really like that motto, "today I am pregnant," and I'm going to do my best to try and repeat that to myself until it sinks in!
Again, thank you all for your kind words, and congratulations to every one of you as well! May we all enjoy a H&H 9 months.