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Blended Families
Birthday Surprise
SD is turning 7 in a month. It's her golden birthday so DH wants to make it extra special. (I never saw the big deal about golden birthdays but he's excited, so okay) SD has been talking about wanting her ears pierced for a while now, and DH and I agree that she's ready. Yes, I'm sure she'll need to be reminded to clean her ears, but we have to remind her to brush her teeth too! I think it'll help teach her responsibility.
I emailed BM and told her about our plan to surprise SD by getting her ears pierced. I said I wanted to make sure she's okay with it since she'd share some responsibility, that we'd buy her a bottle of the cleaner, etc. She said she doesn't think SD is ready, but that she'd think about it. Well she turned around and told SD!! Surprise!
We haven't talked more about it, but I'm annoyed either way. If we agree to do it, it's no longer a surprise. And if she flat out refuses to be okay with it, I'm afraid she's playing with us. I wouldn't at all be surprised if she went and got SD's ears done herself, so that it could be "their" thing. This is the woman who got upset with DH because SD lost her first tooth at our house.
I guess I'm pretty much just venting. It sucks that we have to run things by BM. But if we didn't, I'm pretty sure she'd flip out!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Birthday Surprise
First, I applaud you for discussing it with BM prior to doing it. Speaking from experience: My XH took my daughter to get her ears pierced when she was 6 at a freaking tattoo parlor and obviously the correct gauge wasn't used when piercing them. 3 days after returning home the piercings were oozing and I had to have them removed (they weren't normal earrings with a backing) and she had to go on antibiotics because they were so inflamed and infected. There was no discussion with me prior to doing the piercing, and I was the one missing work to take her to Urgent Care and paying for all the Dr visits and medication. I am in no way trying to imply that you or your husband are stupid enough to do what my XH did, but now I have it in the CO that he's not allowed to even get her hair cut when she's with him. Again my situation was drastic, but if you had gotten SD's ears pierced without talking with BM first there would have been hell to pay.
Second, I understand where you're coming from about her ruining the surprise and potentially running out and having it done so it can be "her" thing. Our BM also threw a major temper tantrum when SD lost a tooth at our house and we didn't give it to her (yes, she seriously wanted the tooth). We told her our plans for K's birthday one time and she immediately made it her idea. So K basically had duplicate parties. Did it suck? Yes. But in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal. If she runs out and gets SD's ears pierced, then you and your husband and take her to pick out earrings for when she's allowed to change them. Either way, SD is going to have a good birthday.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Sorry OP, but ITA with this. It's a mom thing. I don't know if that is why your BM did what she did, but I always planned for it to be a girls day out when I got my dc's ears pierced. If my exh planned to take my dc to have it done, I would have been upset (I would not have reacted like your BM did and spoiled the surprise, but it would have upset me).
PS What is a golden birthday- is that a regional thing? I have never heard of it.
I disagree with this. A father deserves to have special moments with his child not just the mother. BM freaked when my DH told her that we had bought tickets to take SD to the movies (no it was not her first one, BM got to take her). She told DH "some things should be between a mother and daughter. So what only mothers are entitled to special moments with their child if she is a girl? Give me a break.
I third this. It's a mom-daughter thing. Same thing like a mom getting a daughter ready for her first ballet performance. There are certain things that should be left for the mom to enjoy with her daughter. Sorry.
Lol, this example is absolutely ridiculous and I would agree with you on that instance. However, we are talking apples and oranges here. All I'm saying is that ear piercing is more of a 'mom daughter' thing. I'm sure there are moms that don't give a crap, but I'm saying that *I* would be not a happy camper if my H did this with our daughter, and I were not present. Married or not. My dad did it while he was still married to my mom, and I can see why she was (and still gets heated over it when it comes up) mad bc I would be too. Sort of like isn't it more of a 'dad' thing to take his son on a fishing trip or idk, there are just some things that are sacred. In my opinion, ear piercing is one of them. If my H and I divorced and he gave me this news, I'd tell him that I wanted that to be a special moment for us and to please figure something else out.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I agree that a father should have special moments with his children. The ear piercing thing does seem like something a little girl would share with her mother. (I wouldn't think most fathers are into make-up, jewlery and the like so they usually go along with mother things)
Both parents are entitled to share special moments with their children. If it's something that is honestly important to both parents then maybe both parents should be involved for the child's sake.
Ok but he does not have a boy, he has a girl so if he wanted to do something special that she would always remember, he would want to do something that she would enjoy. Why should mom be the only one who gets to do this stuff with the child? She has no more right to be a part of any special moment in the child`s life than the father does.
I agree, but as a mother w a daughter, I'd tell my H to find somethig else to do that is 'special'. Or, to do it together, as someone else suggested. Maybe OP's H and BM can both take her. Sounds like a good solution to me.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
That would be a good solution if they get along but if not there is no reason the dad should give up taking her if it means a lot to him.
Thanks for the feedback... I just think there are so many mother/daughter moments in life, so why can't DH and I have this one? I think it's really close-minded to save certain events for a mom or dad. We weren't upset when BM took SS to pick out his soccer uniform and took him to his first practice. Divorced parents will miss out on lots of little events like this, it's just part of what sucks about divorce. I don't think it would make it any less special to SD if DH and I took her to get her ears done than if BM did.
And what about me? Don't I have the right to some mother/daughter events with SD? IMO, it was my idea in the first place. If BM wants special times with her daughter, she needs to plan them. Why is it okay for her to steal my idea so that she can feel special? (she doesn't plan things with the kids - she works all the time so whenever they're home they just stay inside and watch TV or play Wii (the kids told us this) - DH and I are always doing fun things outside the home with them, even if it's just bike riding in the woods!)
Personally I think its cute when step parents want to do something sweet for the step child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it with the birth parents consent of course. It would be different if you just went ahead and did that. Which I highly recommend you not doing.
As a mom of a daughter and a son I think all moments are special. I don't understand why there has to be certain moments with certain parents.
Why should Dad have to come up with something else? Mom should, Dad made the plan.
While I absolutely agree with you, life doesn't always work out that way. I suggested it for the likely event that BM doesn't come up with something else, or a something else that would be good enough.
And I also agree with OP that they should be able to have this special moment with SD, however, if it is more of an issue for BM, I would let it go. Yea, it's totally not fair, but is it worth fighting about or getting angry for? If you think yes, then fill your boots.
Based on this thread, you sound like a "lovely" step mom I would not want to co-parent with as a BM. Your "what about me" attitude really bothers me. See, there is no - what about you. Step back, let mom and dad be in charge and mind your own business. Really. This is BM's daughter (not yours) and if she wants to do a mom-daughter thing with her, like piercing ears, she should be able to do it - on her own time. Just because you "thought of it", doesn't give you the right. Because guess what....maybe MOM didn't think daughter was ready yet. So who cares you thought of it first. You sound very middle school about this. Drop it and step back.
I'm really sick of some of these over-bearing step parents who think they should throw their weight around like this. All that accomplishes is that there is a zero chance for a good quality co-parenting relationship between the mom and the dad. Butt out. Let the parents - mom and dad - be the parents who make decisions. I guarantee you that if you didn't butt in so much, your DH would find his own way of parenting his daughter and do other fun things that are important to him, and maybe, just maybe - piercing ears - wouldn't even come up in his head. Because honestly, it's not usually that important to men, as it is to women - the mothers.
My own father never even thought of doing ear piercing with me. It was something I did with my mom naturally. Dad taught me how to ride a bike, how to play tennis, how to ski and he taught me math....all of which my mother couldn't do. All these things were special to HIM to teach me.
Seriously, step back a little. It will only improve things, instead of causing tension.
I'm not sure if I can get on board with the idea that there are "special mom moments" or "special dad moments," and that these times are so standardized that everyone should know about them and respect them.
I can, however, ascribe to the notion that each parent probably does have those handful of things that they are really looking forward to doing with their child. But I also think that this is only a card that can be played a couple of times. It can't be pulled out every single time the other parent does something special with the kiddo.
We're also adults, and if there's something special someone is looking forward to, then it's their responsibility to communicate that.
There's no one single thing (aside from graduations, weddings, etc) that's standing out in my head as something I really want to do with my kids. There are things I'd like to do, but nothing I would pitch a fit over. But I will say, as a CP, we work hard w/ DS. We do ALL the reading lessons, homework, projects, discipline, time outs, and chores. And it is hard to have XH swoop in and be the vacation/party/play guy. I'm not saying that the OPs situation is like that; this is just my perspective.
Exactly- this was not even in your dh's head when he thought about special things to do with his dd for this golden birthday. Why? Because it's typically a mother daughter thing!!! Sorry, but it is what it is. And you are not her mother. Sorry, but it is what it is. So I can get why the BM may be upset. Not saying she reacted correctly, but I get that she may be feeling threatened.
ITA with hopanka, that BM may not have thought dc was ready for earrings yet, that may be why she did not plan to do this already with her dd. I definitely agree that BM reacted badly in blowing the surprise, and I think you had great intentions and did the right thing in alerting BM in advance. I am sorry you are disappointed. But I would probably suck it up and find something else that might be even better to do for this birthday. There are a lot of awesome things like day trips etc that she would probably love even more.
Hopanka, ITA with every single word of your post.
First of all I am not the OP of this thread. Why don`t you try reading so you know who you are talking to next time. I have been anything but respectful to BM but I`ll be damned if my husband does not have the right to plan special bonding moments with his daughter simply because he is a girl. We have been more than sensitive to BM for example switching weekends so BM can get SD prepared for her recital. Know what I am really sick of? Over-bearing mothers who think they have all the rights to a child just because they gave birth.
I understand that you must have had a lifetime of issues with your BM, and I am sorry for that. But just step back for a moment and think about this from a non-biased point of view- you really don't think that ear piercing is a typically mom-daughter thing to do?
I would not begrudge my exh taking dc to their first movie, first disney trip, you name it. But IMO certain things are more special to a mom with her dd, just like with a dad and his ds. Is this marketing or gender conditioning talking? Probably, but it's still true that I would feel safe to say that a majority of parents feel this way. Just because I feel that as a mom of a dd I would prefer to take her to have her ears pierced does not mean that I am an over-bearing mother who think I have all rights to my child. It just means that this is a special ritual to me that I would prefer to be the one to do with her.
dads and moms deserve to equally have bonding moments with their children, I totally agree. But you can't tell me that there are not certain bonding moments that one parent feels more strongly about than the other- and that is ok and natural. It does not mean one parent takes president over the other, I would just hope it would mean that the parent who it is less important to would give in and let the other parent (not step-parent) experience that particular event. But we all know it's not that easy (I know it is not with me exh at least)!!!
^^ Amen to the bolded. I'm a BM and a SM. When my XH took my daughter and had her ears pierced,I wasn't pissed that I didn't get to take her. I was pissed because he had them pierced inappropriately and didn't discuss it with me first.
I get plenty of "special" moments with my daughter as well as my son, that my XH doesn't participate in. And they aren't things that I "demand" be mine or assume belong to me because I am their mother. They are normal, every day things that become special: my son's football games, my daughter's cheer competitions, Disneyland trips, etc. I encourage my XH to find "special" moments and make memories with the kids.
But let's be honest here, for every "overbearing step-parent" as one poster mentioned, there is one BM who is very unreasonable, unwilling to co-parent and accept the fact that she is no longer the only mother-figure in the child's life. For example, the BM in my situation wouldn't allow my husband to take K for her first day of Kindergarten and then threatened to call the police if we showed up at school her first day. Completely unreasonable, right? Then I was deemed "overbearing" because my husband asked me to get a special outfit for K after her mother originally said she didn't mind, but then threw a fit the day of the performance.
BMs, BFs, SMs and SFs all deserve a chance to create special memories with these kids. One parent's ego and sense of entitlement does not outweigh the security and comfort the child will feel by getting special moments with all the parents involved in raising that child.
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ALL OF THIS! I wrote something similar (admittedly a lot more snarky) on my phone, then it spazzed out, and I didn't feel like writing it again. lol. Seriously, your 'what about me' attitude is quite off putting. You sound like a spoiled brat. You're a step parent you have no 'rights'. Get over it. In case no one told you, this is a thankless job (as is being a mom or dad a lot of time as well) and you have to take care of a child that isn't yours and not enjoy the 'perks' all the time. It's part of the package. I think you sound like a SM who wants to be in charge. Chill out.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Based on this thread, you sound like a "lovely" step mom I would not want to co-parent with as a BM. Your "what about me" attitude really bothers me. See, there is no - what about you. Step back, let mom and dad be in charge and mind your own business. Really. This is BM's daughter (not yours) and if she wants to do a mom-daughter thing with her, like piercing ears, she should be able to do it - on her own time. Just because you "thought of it", doesn't give you the right. Because guess what....maybe MOM didn't think daughter was ready yet. So who cares you thought of it first. You sound very middle school about this. Drop it and step back. Wow. Maybe you don't value your role as an SM (if you are one) but I do. I know that I play a huge role in my skids' lives and we all deserve to have an awesome relationship. I know that SD loves me and we should be able to have special times together, in addition to her times with BM. And this isn't just about me. DH agrees that SD is ready to get her ears done. This isn't just me being pushy. If DH didn't want to get her ears done, we wouldn't. And if BM decides that SD really isn't ready, we won't. I think you're getting a little too excited about this, especially with your middle school comment.
I'm really sick of some of these over-bearing step parents who think they should throw their weight around like this. All that accomplishes is that there is a zero chance for a good quality co-parenting relationship between the mom and the dad. Butt out. Let the parents - mom and dad - be the parents who make decisions. I guarantee you that if you didn't butt in so much, your DH would find his own way of parenting his daughter and do other fun things that are important to him, and maybe, just maybe - piercing ears - wouldn't even come up in his head. Because honestly, it's not usually that important to men, as it is to women - the mothers. Maybe in your situation the SP doesn't get to have an opinion, but ever since DH and I got married I've been involved with everything as much as he and BM. We all spend the same amount of time with the kids so we view each other as equal. DH and I are "one" and we discuss everything before making a decision, including everything regarding the kids and BM. I go to all school meetings with DH and BM, BM and I researched and agreed on sports, and when we were looking for a new daycare all three of us met at a coffee shop to discuss our options. I am a parent as much as DH and BM are parents (other than giving birth of course.
My own father never even thought of doing ear piercing with me. It was something I did with my mom naturally. Dad taught me how to ride a bike, how to play tennis, how to ski and he taught me math....all of which my mother couldn't do. All these things were special to HIM to teach me. Every family is different.
Seriously, step back a little. It will only improve things, instead of causing tension.
Cole, thank you for your understanding and support!
I think it's great when step-parents are involved and truly love their step-kids. I don't think it's fair to say it's the same as if the kids were your own. Should you ever dicorve your husband would you fight to see those kids? Would you continue the relationship and support them as they grow up and become adults even if your relationship with their father ends? Anyone can say yes but very few would actually do it. I have known amaznig step-parents but after a divorce it just wasn't the same.
On this board I have seen posts and replies all about how it's not the same and how you won't love your step-kids the same as your own and many have a hard time treating them the same as their own. (written by step-parents)
What's wrong with having both parents there? Why not do this as a family, all parents and step-parents. If this is something that is truly important to each parent then why not all go.
I think it's too bad the adults get caught up in who should or shouldn't go when it could be a special joint venture if it honestly means that much.
So what's the current situation? Is BM taking her? Is it worth it to your DH to put up a fight for it? I do feel badly that she ruined the "surprise" of it all, but I do think that both parents should be in agreement that SD is ready before it happens and you were spot on correct in asking BM first.
That said, BM said she's not ready so I'd leave it alone as a SM. It is a very thoughtful way to commemorate her golden birthday and it was sweet of you to think of it. But, at the end of the day, you are not the parent so I would probably bow out since it has caused contention and if your DH wants to do it badly enough, he will take it up with BM.
I am not a BM (yet) but I would personally be devasted if I missed out on something like this. It's a big deal to some people - not just because they gave birth, but because it's her child. How long have you been her SM?
Let's not forget that there are also plenty of father-daughter things as well - it's not just about same sex parents. Dad will get his shot too.
Now that the surprise is ruined - what else could you do?
BTW - don't look at this as all bad. If you know BM will copy you or steal your ideas, you can work that to your advantage. Example: SK's were begging me to take them to see Chipwrecked. I was not feeling like spending so much on the theatre, popcorn, etc to see an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie so I told them I would take them next time they were over. Guess what? BM took them. Tee hee!
Once again I did not say that, that was the OP of this thread. I wish people would pay attention.
I don`t think getting your ears pierced is a big deal but if my husband thought that would be a special moment to do with his daughter, I would say go for it as long as he discussed it from BM. The same can not be said for BM who told my 4 1/2 yr old SD that she would take her to get her ears done when she turned 5 but failed to ask my DH`s input. When my husband found out, he did not pitch a fit though even if he did BM would do it anyway. As for whether it`s a mother daughter thing, I don`t believe it is and SD is a girl so the special moments with her will normally include girly things such as getting your ears pierced. I never said that all BM`s are overbearing but when someone thinks they have more rights to a child than the other parent I would call that overbearing.
No problem I think NCP and SM`s don`t always get enough respect!
We had this same situation so we now just tell BM that we are taking a vacation and on what dates and then before we leave we tell her where because we have had many a suprise trip ruined because she would tell my SS the suprise right after we asked her to keep it a secret.
To the OP I think at this point since the BM said she was not ready for it you need to let it drop. Yeah she probably will steal your idea and go dow it herself but that is her right. It just shows her character. It sounds like you really care about your SD and are a good stepparent. Sometimes it just sucks to be the stepparent unfortuntaly.