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VBAC
Guilt about VBAC
Just lurking here since i am not KU yet. I know i want to try for a VBAC with my next child. I feel like if I do get the successful VBAC I want I will almost feel guilty about not having that experience with my DD. Does anyone else feel like this? Anyone who has had a VBAC have any of these feelings still after the new baby is born.
TIA
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Re: Guilt about VBAC
Here's the way I look at it. I don't think DD was harmed one bit by me having a c-section. She latched just fine and she never had any hiccups because of her entry into the world. Maybe she'll hate me for it when she's 16 - but I figure that's going to happen anyway.
So, my feelings are more guilt and anger about giving up, depriving myself of the opportunity to birth and going through unnecessary surgery.
For me, if I succeed with my VBAC, then I'll probably be even more upset with the doctors who gave up on me. But, my guess is that the joy of success will outweigh lingering anger. If I fail, then I know it wasn't meant to be and can hopefully put the old anger/guilt away.
So, in the end, the only way I'll be emotionally worse off, is if I don't get to try. If I go to 41 weeks and I'm forced to have another c-section, I will be really ticked off.
Hi OP. I'm also just a lurker here, but my LO#2 is due in about 4 weeks--I hope via a VBAC. I totally get what you're saying about feeling guilty you didn't have the experience of a vaginal delivery with your DD, but might have it with your second LO. I feel the same way sometimes. If my VBAC is successful, the birth of my DS will be a completely different (and I'm thinking much more positive) experience than the birth of my DD, and that makes me a little sad.
But here's how I'm trying to think about it. No matter how this second delivery goes, the experience will be totally different than the birth of my daughter. It will be its own unique day in my life. Even another c-section would be a different experience than the first time around. I try to recognize my guilt about having a VBAC with my DS as being no different than any other form of "mommy guilt" I have surrounding the birth of my second LO. My DD won't be the "one and only" anymore, she won't get our undivided attention anymore, I won't be as free to take her out for play dates and other activities, she'll have to share her toys, etc., etc. But if you think about it, you can also feel guilty on behalf of your second child. My DS will never have the experience of being the treasured one and only child (and, in my case, grandchild as well). He will never have the experience of having mommy and daddy all to himself for three years. Many of his toys will be hand-me-downs, etc., etc. Feeling badly about having a vaginal delivery with one child and not the other is really no different.
I guess the point is that mommy guilt is a real bummer, and no matter what the circumstances are I feel like moms (and dads too) will find ways to beat themselves up when things aren't exactly perfect. But, you know, the birth of a woman's first child, no matter how badly it goes, is still an experience like no other--something amazing we will never be able to replicate with any subsequent children. So, in this way, I'm able to let go of my guilt that I might have a much more positive birth experience with DS than with DD and just let it be what it will be--its own special experience. My bond with my son will, throughout my life, be different than the one I have with my daughter, and not because of the way they were each born. In the grand scheme of things, their birth is just one fleeting moment in their lives--one they won't even remember.
So, try to let go of the guilt, mama! Best of luck to you!
Thanks for the replies. I am completely sure I will try to VBAC so hopefully I will become a little more active on this board.
I would never explored a Med free out of hospital birth if I had not had a c-section. I learned a lot from my first daughter including how to give birth in a way I never thought I could. I would have felt guilty if I had a rcs and burdened DH and DD with my recovery.
Wow. This is an interesting way of thinking about it. I honestly don't think this would have passed through my mind.
DS was born via unplanned c-section. He did great latching, bonding, etc. However I didn't get to see him for the first 1-2 hours of his life. DH had that bonding experience though---and I think that was really important for him. It was still a special moment when I got to meet DS. It was like he automatically knew who I was (maybe not).... I have the rest of my life to bond with him.
I'm on the fence whether I want a VBAC or RCS. But I can't decide due to my personal reasons. I myself was born via RCS and I've never really cared about the way I came into the world... My older brother was a standard vaginal birth. I don't think my mother really cared HOW we came into the world---just that we were healthy.
Personally for me I don't think VBAC vs RCS has one thing to do with the child. It's more of a personal battle and what works best with your wishes. Either way we pretty much put the safety and health of LO into our doctor's hands. Your child won't remember those first few minutes. And most kids aren't going to want to hear the gross details of how they came into the world anyway (IMO). It's all up to what you can handle emotionally/physically.