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Blended Families
FutureMrsWittig
member
Forewarned is forearmed?
FutureMrsWittig
member
SD has a musical at school tonight. Thursdays are our night, but she usually has tumbling and her mom comes most of the time to watch her class/see her for a few minutes. Lately BM has missed more than a few classes and SD has really had her feelings hurt by it. DH has tried explaining to SD that most kids parents don't stay for classes, and that it's a lot of work for her mom to bring all 3 other kids to the class and keep them entertained for an hour, etc... But SD is 9 and feeling like she doesn't get enough of Mom's time, so it doesn't seem to help. SDs counselor told me to stop making excuses for BM several weeks ago, so I have done my best to just keep my mouth shut and just offer sympathy that her feelings are hurt.
Tonight we won't be going to tumbling because the musical interferes. I just recieved a text from BM that she won't be coming to the musical. She just started a new job and she has to work. I understand. SD won't though. All she will see is her mom missing another event.
So my question is this: do I tell SD in advance that her mom won't make it, but that we will record it on video for her and have SD take it on Mother's Day to watch? Or do I say nothing until after the show? And when she asks why do I tell her or do I let her call her mom to explain? I want to minimize the damage done here, while still sticking to my resolution not to defend BM, just to be there for SD.
Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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Re: Forewarned is forearmed?
You tell her in advance and make a huge production of taping it. Have her do some sort of intro before hand...record the recital...and then something at the end.
The fact is, this happens in "intact" families too. There were three kids in my family and my father had three jobs (teacher, coach/ref, Army Reserves). In most cases only ONE of us got a parent to show up during a weeks worth of events.
Making an excuse becase a mom/dad is a dead beat and just couldnt be bothered is not helping. Explaining that a busy WORKING parent has to make choices like every other busy working parent is.
Should I have resented my father for putting food on the table or felt that my mother loved my brother or sister more becuase I only got her 1/3 of the time?
I agree with Illumine.
Every parent can't make everything. Some can't even make most things.
DH and I divide and conquer. When DS has taekwondo, one of us takes him and the other does something with DD. I don't feel any guilt or remorse about only one of us going to practices. When there's an awards ceremony after a belt test, we make sure we are both there and make a huge deal out of celebrating the accomplishment.
DH has a job in which he works normal business hours but he's basically on call 24/7. And a few times a month, there are scheduled times he has to be there outside of normal hours. He has very little flexibility in these situations, so there will be things that he misses. His work has no problem making people cancel previously approved vacations or yanking people out of church for no real reason. So attending a school play or a swim meet would not excuse him from work.
Like I said, I understand that BM has to work. I'm ecstatic that she has a new job, she hasn't worked in almost a year.
But my SD is already struggling in her relationship with her mother. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to go about breaking this news to minimize hurt feelings for SD and excuse making on my part.
I like the idea of making a big production out of the recording.
Again, I'm not criticizing BM for having to work. I miss things from time to time also for work.
I agree with this. It's not the same to make an excuse in this situation as in the situation of a deadbeat parent.
And for the record it really would be hard to bring several small kids along to watch while one child is in a class. Letting her know that is only helping her realize that it's true. (not letting BM "off the hook" for anything)
I understand being told not to make excuses for a bad parent but why would you need to have anytthing other than a united front when both parents are doing the best they can? What's wrong with defending the other parent when it's deserved?
The counselor told me I need to let BM explain these things to SD herself. She said that eventually SD will come to resent me for making excuses for her mom. BM isn't a bad person and she isn't really a bad parent. She's overwhelmed, and sometimes flaky. She forgets a lot of things. She doesn't come through on a lot of promises. She told SD she'd be there tonight, and now she won't.
I'm not a doctor so I obviously wouldn't know for sure but it just doesn't seem right to me. (my unprofessional opinion) I can see her resenting you if the excuses were for poor reasons, drinking at the bar, going to party with friends...but working to provide for the kids seems normal.
In the end you have to do what you feel is best and I think Ilumine had a great idea.
I think making a big production of filming the performance for BM is a great idea. Maybe you can even take a pic of SD right before the performance starts and text it to BM, that way both SD and BM know you're making the effort to keep her involved.
I understand what the counselor is saying about not making excuses for BM, my children's counselor tells me the same thing about BF. But I agree with PPs: telling SD that Mommy has to work isn't making an "excuse" for her, it's giving SD a heads up. Just like I'm sure you give SD a heads up if Daddy's running a bit late, or if you have to run an errand she doesn't want to tag along for.
I hope her performance goes well!!
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DH and I ended up deciding to wait until after. I didn't want her to be upset during the performance. BMs parents came, as did DHs parents and my mom so I think that helped.
Afterwards as we were leaving SD asked me "So why didn't my mom make it this time?" I told her that her mom had to work, but that she had asked me to tape it. I told her we'd send the video along as part of the Mother's Day gift and we could add a little "note" to the end just for her mom when we got home. She said "Whatever". When we got home she said she was tired and didn't feel like it. So she just went to bed.