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Success after IF
BeccaLandes
member
advice on how to tell a fellow IF'er about this pregnancy
BeccaLandes
member
i have a mommy friend who has had trouble conceiving. she has one daughter, who is 3 months older than my boys. we are in play group together and have gotten pretty close in the past 2 years. we have often commiserated over how unfair IF is, and how much it stings when our friends get pregnant just by having sex.
in 2011, she did 2 FETs and 1 fresh IVF without getting pregnant. i am worried about how she will feel when i tell her about this pregnancy. i feel guilty. i want to tell her before i tell our mutual friends, because i don't want the news coming to her from anyone but me.
but i am not sure the best way- in person? i don't want to tell her at play group with other moms around. on the phone? by email? i want to give her the time and space to react.
am i overthinking this? any advice would be helpful.
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Re: advice on how to tell a fellow IF'er about this pregnancy
I agree with all of this, in general. I think email gives space and her time to digest your news. As we all know, the IF sting can make it hard to be happy the moment you get news like that from a friend so that gives her time to process and then not feel like she's hurting your feelings in person if she doesn't react as happily as she may ultimately feel for you. GL!
I don't think you're overthinking at all. My wife and I struggled with IF for a while, as did my sister. When my sister finally got pregnant, she pulled me aside at family gathering and told me in private. It felt like I couldn't catch my breath even though I was so happy to be an uncle again.
I waited until later that night to tell my wife because I knew it would be devistating. When I told her that there was something I needed to tell her, her face went pale and she guessed what it was right away. When I confirmed it, she literally reacted as if I had punched her in the stomach as hard as I could. The sobbing, the trembling, the obvious termoil she was feeling -- it was hard. Though my wife was certainly happy for my sister, it was hard for her to even be around her at first, not only because it was a painful reminder of her own IF, but because my sister knew it was painful and it was just an awkward situation all around.
From the choices you've provided, I'd say email is the best way to break it to her. Give her time to process it in her own way without feeling like she has been put on the spot.
Congradulations by the way!
Ditto all this. If it were me I'd prefer to receive the email! I know not everyone is like this - but most that I know are. GL!
IVF #1 = BFP!! So blessed to have our baby boy! IVF #2 = Convert to frozen - 1 frostie! IVF #3 = Convert to frozen - 1 frostie! FET #1 = 8/14, Two transferred, One stuck! Praying for another healthy miracle! Due: 5/2/13
I don't think you are overthinking it. I had trouble conceiving my older daughter but my younger daughter was a "surprise". At the time I had two friends that were going through IVF process. Both were trying for as long as I had my older daughter.
One I told in person because that is her personality and the other I couldn't tell her in person because of our schedule's etc. So I called her. I just told her and didn't make a big deal out of it. I didn't say anything like "I know how it feels" because I was pregnant and had a child so I was on the other end of the whole IF thing, even though I do know how it feels.
I was sure that the were the first two to find out after my immediate family and before saying anything on facebook. I also told them that I would be telling facebook that day just so they were aware. They both handled it with dignity but I know it probably gave them a punch to the stomach.
One still is trying to have a baby and the other had a miracle baby after she was told that her eggs were too old and her tubes didn't connect.
I think you're being considerate - not over thinking this at all.
It's a sick feeling knowing how your news will hit her and yet knowing you need to deliver it any way.
I'm in the e-mail camp and agree with the whole "explain why you're telling her via e-mail" approach.
I'd also tell her that you understand completely if she doesn't want to discuss it with you and you expect absolutely nothing from her (because she just may not have it to give).
Congrats again on your miracle.
Is it settling in for you guys yet?
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
When I had my surprise BFP with DD, I had a very close friend that was going through IF at the time (she had been trying for years, just was sorting out what kind of treatment they wanted to do). I knew she had found out another of her friends was pg just based upon her symptoms and was really upset that she didn't tell her. So, after telling my DH and my sister, I decided to call her. I knew the news would upset her, but not telling her would make it worse.
This time, my friend had just done an IVF that worked, and is currently pregnant, about 4 weeks ahead of me...I still haven't told her about my BFP. Partly because I want her to enjoy all that being pg for the first time has to offer without sharing it with me, and partly because I am afraid to tell anyone. My sister and DH are still the only ones who know...we had told both sets of our parents by now with both prior pregnancies, but for some reason, I am having a very hard time sharing the news this time. But when I do tell my friend (and it will be pretty soon) I will call her again.
I agree with the others, though. If you do email, make sure you explain why you are emailing. Otherwise it just seems so impersonal, and that you are taking the "easy way out."
Good luck!
thanks, ladies. i wrote an email, but it didn't feel right, so i haven't sent it yet. i might call this afternoon, or i might chicken out.
it definitely is for me- i had my last ultrasound at the RE this morning and saw the shape of a baby starting to form- head, arm and leg buds, and a heart just beating away. i am starting to feel that same wonder and excitement i had when i was pregnant with my boys. next week i go to the OB... and my RE told me his wife has the same OB and is 11w pregnant! i am kind of hoping i run into them there.