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Adoption
Mother's Day Gifts for BM
This is our first mother's day and I'm looking for thoughts and ideas on gifts for BM.
We have our 6 month update due around the same time, so we'll be sending her photos and a letter anyway. We want to get her something, but not sure what.
A few ideas I've thought of:
- plaster handprint or footprint -- DH was worried this would make her sad
- a charm for the bracelet we got her when DS was born
- a 4-picture frame with pics of all of us I figured we could take a few pics holding a sign that says "Happy Mother's Day" or "We love you". DH isn't sure about this he said does she really want a big frame with pics of us?
What do yall think would be best? I'm open to any other ideas too! What's everyone else doing?
I know we have some BMs on the board and would love your opinions. Is there anything that you wouldn't want APs to send you? Or something you'd want them to? I realize everyone is different, but any input is helpful. Thank you!!
After 2years TTC and 1yr,2mo waiting for an adoption match, our blessing is here!
"You may not have my eyes or smile, but from that very first moment you had my heart"
Surprise BFP made our family complete!
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Re: Mother's Day Gifts for BM
I've been thinking about this, too. I think all of the ideas you had are very nice. The past two years we have sent dd's birthmom flowers for Mother's Day. She likes daisies, so we've made a point to send those.
As dd is getting bigger, though, I'm tempted to send more handmade gifts.
We've given her other gifts for other occasions/holidays...for example:
a necklace from Brighton that says "You're always in my heart"
a necklace with a 'z' charm on it
portraits of dd - both pics I've taken as well as professional portraits
handprints -- Carters has a little framed handprint kit - you hang them on the wall.
We have framed a couple of paintings that dd made. We framed the first heart that she drew and gave it to her birthmom, too. For a recent holiday dd painted a ceramic heart box at a pottery place. Not something you could probably do right now, but it might be an idea for down the road.
You could do something like this...I tried it but had a tough time. Our 2 1/2 year old kept scrunching up her fingers and really did not want paint on her feet!
Do you read the R House blog? She recently posted a GREAT video on ideas for gifts/cards/photos for birthparents. Here's the link:
https://www.therhouse.com/why-are-birth-parent-updates-important/
I'm interested to see what everyone else posts.
We did a photo book and a necklace that has 3 peas in a pod. We sent a card with it and explained that there is one pea for her, one for us and one for Luke. I also have a matching one. She said she loved it and wears it all the time. The necklace looks like this
Of your ideas, I like the charm. My DH is like yours. He's not sure if something DD-specific would upset her BM, or be something she really wants
We send a Birthmother's Day card each year. We get her flowers on DD's birthday (it's a tradition in my family) and we see her around her birthday each year in June. We usually take a small gift for that.
Thank you for posting this! I've had the same thing on my mind for weeks now as our DD is 7 months so this is our first Mother's Day.
Dr. L - Can you expound upon your Birthmother's Day card?
I've been thinking that I almost want to send our BM a thank you card for making this day possible for me. Of course, without her I wouldn't be the happy mommy I am today!
That's right, I blog! - The Domestic Soldier
This is our first Mother's Day with our new baby, so we made a Shutterfly photo book with all of the photos we've taken from the hospital to now. In the front, we wrote, "Happy Mother's Day to S's Amazing Birth Mother!" I think she is going to really like it!
She's Forever Ours! Finaliaztion-12.26.12
Moosegal - I do say Happy Mother's Day to dd's birthmom when I call her on Mother's Day. The cards that I bought are specifically for Mother's Day, too. One has hearts on the front and inside says "Love you! Happy Mother's Day!" and I had dd color inside it. I also had her do a handprint with paint and I'll put it inside the card if it fits. We're sending her a bouquet of flowers, too, and the card will say "Happy Mother's Day - we love you!"
I think you have to decide on the right wording for your situation and your child's birthmother.
Found this posted online. It's a link for different birthmom-related items. I liked a couple of the cards, the keychains, and the ornaments.
https://birthmomshop.com/thebirthmoms/
I mentioned earlier in this thread that we were ordering flowers (or had done that in the past.) I did order them again this year. I'm also sending dd's birthmom a handprint from dd...something like this:
or like this:
Speaking as birth mother and soon to be momma, I had an open adoption but am thankful I never got a "mother's day" gift. I actually gave my biological child's mother a gift 2 years in a row as a thank you for being such a good mother to her. The first 2 years were the hardest and I'm blessed she never gave me gifts for that holiday ever, especially during that time, but every BM is very different. I know it wouldn't have helped me. I myself don't like "happy mother's day" banner. As cheerful as the intent is "You were a good mother and did the best thing for your child." it reads much different to a BM who's recently placed. I would have personally focused on having the capability to be a mom and not being capable to parent. While I firmly have always felt I made the best decision for 2yrs I kept telling myself if I could do it over differently and parent I would. Any reminder during that period that I wish I could have "been her mother" was extremely hard and made the coping process worse. So a "Happy Mother's Day" banner would be maybe a bad idea. I think pictures of my biological child and her family helped me absorb the gravity of my decision and ultimately helped me cope, but I wouldn't frame them if you were planning an update with pictures anyways. I would maybe just give her a lovely frame and include some awesome pics for her to choose to put herself in the frame. If she is a young woman giving her encouragement to choose from her update pictures to put in the frame can actually be liberating. It would surprise you how much the act of subtly reminding her she has daily choices will give her empowerment and encouragement. Literally, even as simple as the suggestion "We left the frame empty because we thought you would find the perfect picture to put in it." That small option gives a young woman who struggles (and believe me its a daily struggle for years) a bit of control and power. It just whispers in a small way that she still has the power to decide, which in my opinion can help any young woman cope with difficulty if she knows she still can make her own decisions (despite not always having that choice or not always choosing the best option).
In conclusion. I like the frame and open option picture but maybe don't necessarily make it a "mother's day gift" leave it open for interpretation as to the gift's significance and meaning. She'll find it a lovely gesture WITHOUT it being a "mother's day gift" and if she sees it as a "mother's day gift" and enjoys it as such then tada! We all win! No upset, offense, excessive tears, lots of BM making subtle choices, and lots of love. Best of luck picking the perfect gift and hope this helped!
Most years I have received flowers on Mother's day from my birthson's mom (she signed it from him). I thought it was very sweet. Now that he is older, I get a card from him and some of his artwork or crafts. I love having gifts made by him! His art magnet is on my fridge and I love looking at it every day. And some years I get a phone call. Hearing his voice is a wonderful gift
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I would of loved a foot print/handprints to put in my scrapbook. I have framed pictures of my Birthson in my home, but a plaster footprint would actually be sad for me to have up.... but that's just me. A plaster footprint is something that I would of put in his nursery, had I been able to parent him, so seeing that would just make me think of what could of been... but again, that's just me.
I like the charm bracelet idea and I also like the idea of a picture frame and pictures. I like the PPs suggestion of leaving it to the Birthmother to choose which picture to frame.
You're very sweet to put so much thought and consideration into your child's birthmother's gift! I'm sure she will appreciate whatever you give. As cliche as it sounds, it really is the thought that counts! Just knowing you care is important.
I'm a birthmom...I poke my head in this forum every now and then, but I am certainly not a regular poster here...I hope that's okay!
I made an open adoption plan for my baby seventeen years ago. Mother's day also falls a few days before her birthday, so the month of May pretty much sucked for me for years. It was just so hard.
The adoptive parents didn't ever send me a card/gift for Mother's day. I always wished that they would send some recognition or something indicating that they were thinking of me. (I don't have any resentment, anger, or ill will or anything like that. They are amazing parents and amazing people and we have a great relationship. Them sending me Mother's Day cards/gifts/whatever just wasn't part of how we did things and it really was okay.)
However, I did have some amazing friends who sent Mother's Day cards every single year and I always got flowers and went out for TWO meals (fajitas for one and fettucine alfredo for the other) on Mother's Day-even if I had to buy them for myself and eat alone. Usually, one friend or another knew about the rituals that I had and treated me, though. It was really important that I got recognition that I was a mother, even though I didn't have a child, even if that recognition was from myself.
So, all that being said, I think it is great that you are sending something. I am pretty close to positive that you sending a gift won't make her feel bad, because if she is going to be upset, she will be regardless of any gift that you send. You sending a gift won't remind her about the baby or the holiday...She already remembers. However, a simple card or gift is a lovely gesture to let her know that you remember, too...
Every situation is obviously different. We typically send jewelry and although I send her emails frequently with pics - usually at Christmas and birth mothers day are the times I send some wallets and small pictures.
This year I included one of his little pieces is art.
Our sons birth mother hasn't been open with her family and probably not her two bio daughters. So we don't send framed pictures or anything big. The jewelry isn't specific to our son but generic motherhood and love symbols.
This is a very personal choice but what we have learned over the years is that money is very needed and the greatest gift our son's birth mother could receive. It is just the reality of the situation. The money we spent on jewelry or other items could be much better used by her for food, rent or clothing for her girls. So for Christmas and this birth mothers day we send pictures, the drawing and a money order in a card. She is grateful and appreciative - we feel good about the choice in truly offering her a gift she can truly use.