"You're spoiling him..." — The Bump
Attachment Parenting

"You're spoiling him..."

I haven't posted here before but I've been lurking for a few weeks now. I need to vent/get some advice.

If one more person tells me I'm spoiling DS I'm going to lose it. Everyone from my DH to MIL think that I'm spoiling him b/c I pick him up when he cries, I rock him to sleep, sometimes I nurse him to sleep, etc. He is only 7 weeks old. I am a big believer in "the 4th trimester" and what babies need during that time. My mom is the only person that agrees with me on this.

What do you all do/say to defend yourselves when people get like this? At first I just blew these people off and ignored them. But I can't do that anymore, it's really starting to upset me.

 

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Re: "You're spoiling him..."

  • "And isn't he the luckiest baby?"

    Honestly, don't engage. Just find some places to get support - look for a local AP parent's group, go to a La Leche meeting, even most "mainstream" moms won't accuse you of spoiling a newborn. And then do what feels right to you.

    The only one that worries me is your DH. With him, you need to be more on the same page with parenting. Will he read? Could you watch "The Happiest Baby on the Block" with him?

  • "Research shows that infants are incapable of being spoiled.  If by 'spoiling him' you mean that I am meeting my child's needs, then I wholeheartedly agree that I'm doing so to the best of my abilities."
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  • Remind YOURSELF why you are making these choices.  That upsetting feeling usually truly comes from starting to doubt yourself (even if it is caused by the unsupportive words of others), and there's nothing you can change about them to make it go away.

    While I certainly would myself go the dramatic eyeroll and "you can't spoil a newborn.  duh!" route; that may be a bit too abrasive for your needs in this case. ;)  Not engaging is fabulous advice, so something along the lines of "That's nice," (really, that's the only thing you say until they change the conversation) or "This is the choice I am making, thank you," (repeat until they change the conversation) is a good way to go too.

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  • I don't defend myself. In my sleep deprived, emotional first few weeks I may have told a few people to STFU.  

    I wore DD for 6 months.  I rarely put her down during that time.  I swear that is why she is as independent as she is now. When she learned to sit up unassisted she was done with being tied to me. LOL!

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  • MrsSRMrsSR
    Ninth Anniversary
    member

    I try not to say anything back, but it's hard.

    DD is almost two and still sleeps in our bed, full time.  Sometimes we both lie in bed with her until she falls asleep (if that's what she needs).

    What I tell them is, "In 18 years from now when she's leaving for college, I won't look back and wish I had done more.  I'll know that I did everything possible, loved her fully, and prepared her to the best of my ability.  No parent looks back and thinks, 'if only I spent less time with her'.  While she's here with me, I'm going to be there for her as much as I can."

    That usually shuts them up.

  • I would try to get DH to understand your point of view and just brush off everyone else. Babies need love!

    It is possible, given enough time that these naysayers will come along. I got a lot of the spoiling crap, especially from my MiL when DS was a baby. We live far apart so she saw him when he was 6 weeks old for a week, then about 1 weekend a month through 7 months, then not again til he was just over a year. Slowly she began to see that this "spoiled" little baby became a happy, confident, attached toddler and comments on it all the time. I have very politely explained that the way we parented him as a newborn is supposed to result in these characteristics, and I'm glad that all of our extra hard work paid off. She is actually impressed. And NO ONE can tell my MiL anything usually. :)

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  • Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. I have read "The Happiest Baby on the Block" but my DH doesn't like to read so I'm going to get the DVD for us to watch together. 

    When people tell me I'm going to spoil him I do remind them of my nephew who had the worst case of colic I've ever seen. For the first 4 months of his life he was rarely ever put down. He is now a thriving, happy, loving little 13 month old boy. 

    Thanks again ladies... I appreciate it!

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Well, he is thriving and it is working for us.  You are right, keep doing what you are doing and don't worry about what your MIL says.  DH might need a little education though.  He should come with you to your next well child check and hear it from your ped.  Make sure you picked a ped who agrees with you on this, obviously. 

     

     

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  • image HoneyBee522:

    Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. I have read "The Happiest Baby on the Block" but my DH doesn't like to read so I'm going to get the DVD for us to watch together. 

    When people tell me I'm going to spoil him I do remind them of my nephew who had the worst case of colic I've ever seen. For the first 4 months of his life he was rarely ever put down. He is now a thriving, happy, loving little 13 month old boy. 

    Thanks again ladies... I appreciate it!

     We just watched it last night - it's a great, short, informative movie. 

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  • image kacelle:
    "Research shows that infants are incapable of being spoiled.  If by 'spoiling him' you mean that I am meeting my child's needs, then I wholeheartedly agree that I'm doing so to the best of my abilities."

    This!  I totally believe in  this!  When we meet our baby's needs, they learn they can count on us.  They are happier babies because of that bond and trust.  I got a lot of that from my SIL, but guess what?  My twin baby girls are 3 months old now (14 weeks), and they rarely cry.  Why?  Because I recognize what they need when they need it.  I give them what they need when they need it.  No crying.  Ok, they are twins, so almost no crying.  They do tend to cry when they need an extra burping and I am feeding/burping the other one.  I have to go back and forth a lot.  But - I still say my girls rarely cry.  They are happy.  They smile.  They can depend on me.  All good.  Not spoiled. (unless you want to say they are "spoiled good" LOL).

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  • Ugh well at least your mom supports you!!! My mom just gets all quiet like she's trying not to disagree.. "whatever you say honey." 
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  • My baby is 4 months old and I still get it! Just because I rock/nurse her to sleep and pick her up when she cries does not mean she is spoiled. Spoiled is something bad...spoiled milk, spoiled fruit...it's disgusting. My baby is the farthest from spoiled you can get :) I typically say something along those lines, however sometimes people are too dumb to understand which I typically just say oh well. I think you're doing a great job! Don't let other people pressure you into letting your baby CIO if it isn't what you want!
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  • ashminashmin
    Photogenic
    member
    image MrsSR:

    I try not to say anything back, but it's hard.

    DD is almost two and still sleeps in our bed, full time.  Sometimes we both lie in bed with her until she falls asleep (if that's what she needs).

    What I tell them is, "In 18 years from now when she's leaving for college, I won't look back and wish I had done more.  I'll know that I did everything possible, loved her fully, and prepared her to the best of my ability.  No parent looks back and thinks, 'if only I spent less time with her'.  While she's here with me, I'm going to be there for her as much as I can."

    That usually shuts them up.



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