surprise (and secret) cycle

blueberries8 · May 2012

I am starting stims for a new IVF cycle tonight, which is actually kind of a shock. I didn't expect to be cycling again so soon. As I think some of you know, we are moving from Israel to Canada next month for DH to do a one-year fellowship in his subspecialty. Here in Israel we have amazing IF coverage, for which I am incredibly grateful. In Canada, we will have no IF coverage. We had talked about trying to squeeze in an IVF before the move, but it felt too soon, and after I had the complication with the retained placenta and the operative hysteroscopy as a result, it seemed totally unrealistic.

We had talked with my RE before the whole retained placenta disaster about setting up a new cycle, but never really progressed beyond the talking stage. Lo and behold I got AF yesterday and I just felt I had to try if there was any possibility of making a cycle work on such short notice. My RE and my clinic were incredibly accommodating and have managed to make it work. I went in for my baseline this morning. Thankfully, getting the meds is much easier here in Israel than in other places (I can get all of my meds at moment's notice from the health fund pharmacy) and I had some leftover Gonal still in the fridge from my cycle with the twins.

I am really not sure I am ready for this emotionally. I've decided I will at least go through with retrieval, but may freeze whatever we get, even if it means not transferring anything until we get back to Israel next summer. If things go well and I am feeling strong, I will close my eyes and jump and do a fresh transfer (eek!!). We aren't telling anyone IRL that we are cycling - I hope that will take off some of the pressure. I am really insane that I am cycling right now, so soon after losing N&A, aren't I?!

mdluv21 · May 2012

Oh sweetie no one can tell you when the right time is...was I ready at that point? No. Everyone is so different though. I have seen ladies on the loss board start cycling right away and they said it helped them heal. If your doctors think it is ok pyhsically, only you can know if you are ready emotionally.

I totally understand why you would want to though, an OOP IVF is a huge expense. We were going to be OOP no matter when we cycled again so I decided to wait the whole year my doctors recommended. I hope you are able to make the right decision for you when it comes time to decide if you want to transfer or freeze or embies. I am proof that embies can be frozen for well over a year and still work though

GL to you and huge ((hugs))

Mitzi Bishi · May 2012

Oh, blueberries... I hope it brings you some good news. You have some incredible strength.

On the bright side you're doing all that you can with what you have, which has to make you feel good, even though you're understandably in a fragile emotional state.

I always hear about the coverage in Israel and I think the rest of the world pales in comparison. I wish you had some more support IRL, but I completely understand your need to guard yourself.

Keep us updated! We're all rooting for you. Celebrate each milestone and do what you need to do.

winofairy · May 2012

Yay for you! Wishing you lots and lots of luck!!

jessican08 · May 2012

I think it's wonderful that you're able to get a cycle in with the IF coverage and I think you have a great plan in place - to do a fresh transfer if you feel up to it or to freeze your embies and wait.

You've been in my T&Ps and I'll be keeping everything crossed for you that this cycle works out the way you want it to (whichever way that is).

((BIG HUGS))

LaLe09 · May 2012

That's exciting! I'm sure you are having some conflicting feelings, but sounds like you are ready for this. I hope this cycle brings you your take home baby(ies) whether you decide to transfer now or later. good luck!!

reb259 · May 2012

Just listen and follow your heart, it will lead you in the right direction. I am not sure why your post makes me emotional but it does. Huge hugs, I am rooting for you...whatever you decide!

Edwina.McDunnough · May 2012

I'm glad you have a plan and options, and hope that your cycle goes well.

Jackie2200 · May 2012

Hey Blueberries,

I don't think you're crazy at all. I started cyclng 2 months after my loss. It wasn't successful but it was a great distracton from the constant pain of the grief. That being said, my advice is to still grieve for the twins while you're cycling if you feel like you need to.

I put my grief on hold so that I could cycle and really didn't address it because I *just knew* I would get pregnant again from that first cycle post loss. When 2 IVFs failed, the grief over the twins came back and the grief of 2 failed cycles came with it. I was a mess for a while after that!

I sure hope you have a better outcome than me and wish you the best of luck on this cycle!!!!! Just be sure to take care of yourself as best as you can. You're going through so much!

Here's to a BFP!

naybird · May 2012

Good luck hun! Do whatever you feel is comfortable and right for you!

We are all here for you!! Wishing you all the best!!!

BeeBee08 · May 2012

I am sure the decision has been difficult. Nobody here judges what you do either way with respect to transferring now versus next year, only you can make that decision and whatever you decide will be brilliant. Good Luck! It's very exciting and I completely understand why you are making the decision you are.

BTW, where are you heading in Canada?

theworms · May 2012

wishing you GL & PPV cutie.

no one can tell you when you're ready, do what feels right.

i'm assuming you checked with OB about cycling and potentially get pregnant so soon after your loss. i know some have a certain amount of time they want you to wait.

i really hope it works out.

((HUGS))

Rachael07.07.07 · May 2012

Oh wow! That's very exciting! I wish you all the best with everything! As mdluv said, there is no right or wrong answer. You just have to listen to yourself and trust that you'll figure the answer out when it comes to it.

DeputiesWife · May 2012

just wanted to wish you luck and that I'm thinking of you.

Sloane99 · May 2012

No judgements at all, I think you're doing exactly what I would do as well and I wish you all the best in this cycle and whatever decisions you end up making. I fully trust that you will make the right ones for you at the right time.

I also have BeeBee's question, where in the Great White North are you heading?!

MandaS08 · May 2012

Sometimes things happen the way they are supposed to-and even though it seems crazy to be cycling so soon after such a devasting loss, you never know -there may just be a reason worked out best that way.

I hope your cycle goes smoothly-I can't imagine all the emotions you must be going through!

Gregermis · May 2012

((hugs)) and good luck!! I hope things work out however you need them to!

Aegis2005 · May 2012

I suck typing on my phone, so this is short, but wanted to say sending lots of t&p your way during a time I'm sure will be emotional. Good luck!

eponine7682 · May 2012

I agree with PPs that only you can determine whether or not your are emotionally ready. I don't think it's insane at all. I also think it's a wise decision to cycle while you have insurance. Like you said, you can always freeze and transfer later. Follow your heart hun. Hugs to you!

meganfauer · May 2012

I think this is wonderful for you! I think you are very smart to take advantage of the IVF coverage since your RE said you are cleared. I wish you the very best!! PLease keep us posted and best of luck on the cycle and the move.

babystinkbreath · May 2012

just wanted to offer you some hugs. You need to do whatever is right for you and I think you will just know what is right for you when the time comes. wishing you all the best and keeping you in my thoughts.

abvernon · May 2012

winofairy:
Yay for you! Wishing you lots and lots of luck!!

Ditto. GL and thinking good thoughts for you.

((hugs))

PoeticJustice · May 2012

Sending tons of great wishes to you and your DH

Mayan2011 · May 2012

Of course I wish you nothing but the best with your upcoming cycle. I completely understand why you would want to cycle while you still have coverage.

Will your travels to Canada bring you to the west coast? That is where I live - beautiful British Columbia (lower mainland)!

vanessagorc · May 2012

Hugs sweetie.

I agree w mdluv, i was not ready to cycle so soon...and I had an early loss. But only u know when u are ready.

My only concern would be ur health. My clinic wouldn't let u cycle yet ( I believe it's at least a 3 cycle break after a late loss).

Good luck, and wishing u the best.

blueberries8 · May 2012

mdluv21:
Oh sweetie no one can tell you when the right time is...was I ready at that point? No. Everyone is so different though. I have seen ladies on the loss board start cycling right away and they said it helped them heal. If your doctors think it is ok pyhsically, only you can know if you are ready emotionally.

I totally understand why you would want to though, an OOP IVF is a huge expense. We were going to be OOP no matter when we cycled again so I decided to wait the whole year my doctors recommended. I hope you are able to make the right decision for you when it comes time to decide if you want to transfer or freeze or embies. I am proof that embies can be frozen for well over a year and still work though

GL to you and huge ((hugs))

Thanks, mdluv. Watching you move forward has definitely been an inspiration to me. I know you did a few procedures before trying again. We thought we might do a myomectomy before trying again, but weirdly, of the 3 fibroids I have, the one "problem" fibroid that was penetrating through the muscle slightly into my uterus is now nowhere to be found since I delivered. The only explanation seems to be that it degenerated during the pregnancy, which could have contributed to our problems. Beyond that, none of the doctors we spoke to want to do any tests or interventions before we try again and my RE gave us the go-ahead so it seems medically we are cleared, though I am honestly still really paranoid about IC or a clotting disorder (since we had the placental issues). We do plan on doing SET this time around.

blueberries8 · May 2012

Mitzi Bishi:
Oh, blueberries... I hope it brings you some good news. You have some incredible strength.
On the bright side you're doing all that you can with what you have, which has to make you feel good, even though you're understandably in a fragile emotional state.
I always hear about the coverage in Israel and I think the rest of the world pales in comparison. I wish you had some more support IRL, but I completely understand your need to guard yourself.
Keep us updated! We're all rooting for you. Celebrate each milestone and do what you need to do.

Thanks, Mitzi. I see you have a FET coming up. I look forward to cycling with you again, though it sucks that we are both still cycling!

blueberries8 · May 2012

Jackie2200:
Hey Blueberries,

I don't think you're crazy at all. I started cyclng 2 months after my loss. It wasn't successful but it was a great distracton from the constant pain of the grief. That being said, my advice is to still grieve for the twins while you're cycling if you feel like you need to.

I put my grief on hold so that I could cycle and really didn't address it because I *just knew* I would get pregnant again from that first cycle post loss. When 2 IVFs failed, the grief over the twins came back and the grief of 2 failed cycles came with it. I was a mess for a while after that!

I sure hope you have a better outcome than me and wish you the best of luck on this cycle!!!!! Just be sure to take care of yourself as best as you can. You're going through so much!

Here's to a BFP!

Thanks, Jackie! I think I also see this as a distraction, and I am not sure a distraction is necessarily a bad thing, as long as it doesn't mean I am putting the hard work I am doing dealing with my grief aside. I would be really surprised if I do a fresh transfer and it ends in a happy, healthy pregnancy...just seems too easy, you know? On the other hand, I guess we never know. I can't believe you are almost due - so, so exciting!!!

jillychris · May 2012

Best of luck to you in this cycle. I know you will make the right decision for you when it comes time to discuss the transfer. I hope the distraction of a cycle is what you need to help you as you continue to move forward!

AmCheri · May 2012

Hi blue

Thanks for confiding in us. You need a team to cheer you on and you know where to find us! Best of luck sweets. Keep us in the loop. I'll be thinking about you!

LadyGolfer523 · May 2012

lurking::: I'll be continuing to send LOADS of good thoughts your way blueberries. lurker out::

XV11Star · May 2012

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Blueberries! Wishing you the healing and happiness you deserve.

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