Sad turn of events...{vent}

ladybughaley · May 2012

So, my husband comes from a very close knit family which has welcomed me in with open arms and are altogether wonderful. His cousin and his aunt approached me about hosting a shower. I graciously accepted and a shower was planned for June.

Right now we are working on the guest list. I sent my mom a text message yesterday asking her who all I should invite from our side of the family. Her response, "whoever you want not sure anyone will come. i will not be there." She followed up the text a little later by saying "When in June is it?"

Just to give you a brief background, she is still angry with me for 'moving away'. Last year I moved 32 miles from her house and she is still furious and says that she feels 'left out' of everything. However, it seems okay for my brother (who is in the Army) to live in Texas.

At this point, I am tempted to cancel the whole shower before we even get to the point of invites. It seems easier that way and I would be able to avoid the 'questions' and embarrassment of no one in my family (namely my own mother) attending.

Am I overreacting?

danieliza1127 · May 2012

It sounds like you need to work out some issues with your mom that have nothing to do with the shower. I would try working that stuff out regardless of the shower plans. Invite her and whatever family members on her side that you WANT to be there and they can decide whether to come or not. It's okay if it ends up just being his side of the family. I wouldn't cancel the whole thing over it.

denise_m · May 2012

You should not deprive yourself the fun of a shower and a celebration for your baby just because your mom is acting like a child. Invite her, if she chooses not to go, so be it. Don't force everyone else that is excited to miss out because of it.

phq2011 · May 2012

It is indeed frustrating to have a mother who is less-than-excited to share the baby with you. I am speaking from experience, so I understand. I would not cancel the shower, it sounds like his family is really accepting and if you are uncomfortable with the questions, just politely say they couldn't be there and leave it at that.

naybird · May 2012

I'm sorry your mom is acting this way, but don't let her and her bad attitude ruin something fun and special others want to do for you. Invite them and know you can't control weather they attend or not.

There are vague and tactful ways to side step the question of your mom not being there.

None of my inlaws or DH's sisters showed up for my shower or even talked to me about it. I just told people they live too far away and left it at that.

PunkyBooster · May 2012

What the....

Is this real?

If so, I think you rnad your mom need to work on some things.

Don't cancel the shower. If she seriously doesnt show up I think I would really have to re-evaluate my relationship with her.

Wow.

ladybughaley · May 2012

Yes. This is 'quite' real. I have had issues with her my entire life. When my DS was born 9 years ago I lived with on her property with her. When I moved on with my life, bought a house, etc. things went downhill pretty quickly. She always view DS as 'her' child and not really my child.

Honestly, at this point I think she is jealous because we see DH's family all the time. We all attend the same church, MIL lives 2 blocks from us, and everyone gets along. Growing up, we were always very close to my mom's family and did little with my dad's side of the family (which was my mom's doing). I think she sees the same thing happening here.

We try our best to include her in everything. She is invited to all of the special events at church, last year she declined to attend the VBS program that featured my son. Her reason was that she was 'having a bad day'. Typically when she is invited to things she says that it is too far to drive.

She is afraid of being left out of LO's life but the only one 'leaving her out' is herself.

Gismo123 · May 2012

naybird:
I'm sorry your mom is acting this way, but don't let her and her bad attitude ruin something fun and special others want to do for you. Invite them and know you can't control weather they attend or not.

There are vague and tactful ways to side step the question of your mom not being there.

None of my inlaws or DH's sisters showed up for my shower or even talked to me about it. I just told people they live too far away and left it at that.

This....I also find it selfish that she is upset ovet 32 miles....big freaking whoop. I live 4 hours from my mom and come this Oct. I will live on the opposite coast. My brother also lives in another state...my mom doesn't kick and scream like a baby she just tries to visit when she can and vice versa. Your mom needs to seriously grow up.

EastCoastBride · May 2012

32 miles?! Um wow.

But. I will say - while it's rude to "ask" for a shower, is it possible she wants to throw one / be involved and feels someone needs to ask her??

cwm11985 · May 2012

uhhh 32 miles? Is that a typo? I wouldn't cancel the shower; go on as planned if your family doesn't come, they don't come.

Aleja0918 · May 2012

Don't cancel the shower. As previous posters have already mentioned, invite your side of the family. If they come, great. If not, that's fine, too.

KarmB · May 2012

32 miles? thats not far. thats how far i live from my mom.

i say send invites to everyone. if they dont come its their loss

rhubarb123 · May 2012

danieliza1127:
It sounds like you need to work out some issues with your mom that have nothing to do with the shower. I would try working that stuff out regardless of the shower plans. Invite her and whatever family members on her side that you WANT to be there and they can decide whether to come or not. It's okay if it ends up just being his side of the family. I wouldn't cancel the whole thing over it.

This.

I also agree with the others that 32 miles is not very far. I drive further than that to work every day and then home again. If family didn't come to my shower because of distance there would have been no one there. My family lives 1 1/2 hours away and my IL's live 3-4 hours away. They all came.

Invite all the relatives you want. Who does she think she is...answering for ALL the family members? Just because she is not happy with you doesn't mean she dictates what others do. She needs to grow up. Obviously she has adopted the poor me attitude and if you continuously give in to it (like not inviting your relatives or canceling the shower) she will forever have that attitude.

For sure...do not cancel your shower.

mom2be0912 · May 2012

denise_m:
You should not deprive yourself the fun of a shower and a celebration for your baby just because your mom is acting like a child. Invite her, if she chooses not to go, so be it. Don't force everyone else that is excited to miss out because of it.

This. I can't believe your mother is acting like such a victim! I hope she can get over her issues and start focusing on what's best for you and your family.

ShelbehhRawrr · May 2012

denise_m:
You should not deprive yourself the fun of a shower and a celebration for your baby just because your mom is acting like a child. Invite her, if she chooses not to go, so be it. Don't force everyone else that is excited to miss out because of it.

This.

PunkyBooster · May 2012

ladybughaley:
Yes. This is 'quite' real. I have had issues with her my entire life. When my DS was born 9 years ago I lived with on her property with her. When I moved on with my life, bought a house, etc. things went downhill pretty quickly. She always view DS as 'her' child and not really my child.
Honestly, at this point I think she is jealous because we see DH's family all the time. We all attend the same church, MIL lives 2 blocks from us, and everyone gets along. Growing up, we were always very close to my mom's family and did little with my dad's side of the family (which was my mom's doing). I think she sees the same thing happening here.
We try our best to include her in everything. She is invited to all of the special events at church, last year she declined to attend the VBS program that featured my son. Her reason was that she was 'having a bad day'. Typically when she is invited to things she says that it is too far to drive.
She is afraid of being left out of LO's life but the only one 'leaving her out' is herself.

Jealousy can really ruin a person.

With that said, both of our mothers suffer from this with one another. I do not feed into it whatsoever. I think it's quite sad that your mom is isolating herself from this. Really, it's your children who will miss out on knowing her. I'm sorry.

kelle017 · May 2012

Scout2005:

It's not uncommon to have separate showers for each side of the family, so perhaps the guests will just assume your side is doing something else at a different times.

Don't cancel. Enjoy the people who want to celebrate your arrival into parenthood, and it's your mom's loss for not participating.

This. I would just assume the other family was doing something different.

Ladiebug710 · May 2012

Dont cancel. It will be sad without your mother there to celebrate your baby, but dont opt out of everything all together. She will likely come around before the shower date anyway.

januaryjen18 · May 2012

I feel your pain girl -my mom is not attending my shower, and to honest with you- that is a situation that I will deal with AFTER the baby is born, and after my stress levels affect my unborn child. If I were you - I would invite her anyway, and if she wants to come that's wonderful, and if she wants to miss out on such a joyous occasion than that's for her to live with. Enjoy your shower and embrace those who are supportive of you!

TheBug16 · May 2012

cwm11985:
uhhh 32 miles? Is that a typo? I wouldn't cancel the shower; go on as planned if your family doesn't come, they don't come.

This. I drive further than that to work every day... your mom needs to take the stick outta her butt.

Disneygeek77 · May 2012

Yes cancelling would be ridiculous and would be over reacting. Trust me, the only one you would be hurting would be your gracious and generous MIL and yourself. Your mom would probably be glowing that she got you to cancel it. That isn't fair to you and that isn't fair to your MIL. Please please let her give you this gift and if you have to, use google or a trusted family member to find your family's addresses.

I would also inform your mom that if anyone asks where she is, you will tell them the truth, that she couldn't be bothered to come to her own daughter's baby shower. If anyone would be embarassed by that sitiuation it would be her, not you.

miss1991 · May 2012

Very sad for you Sad I hope I never do thing's like this to my girl's.

My Mom passed away when I was 2 months pregnanct with my last child and I alway's regret certain thing's that happened before she passed.

Good luck I hope things get worked out an enjoy yourself at your shower regardless.

sadie+w · May 2012

I'm sorry your mom is childish, selfish, and ridiculous. But please don't let that keep you from being loved and celebrated by dh's family. I understand your plight because my relationship with my mom has been rocky (is thankfully great at the moment) and I understand the embarrassment piece. But in reality, it's a reflection of her, not you. So there's no reason to be embarrassed by her ridiculous actions.

sourgwinnett · August 2012

It could be because she just recently told her mother that she gave up her first child up for adoption. The one that she calls DS on this site for which I'm assuming means "Darling Son". I would certainly be upset at my daughter if she dropped that bomb on me and then expected me to come bearing gifts for a 'replacement' child.

MelleTX · August 2012

sourgwinnett:
It could be because she just recently told her mother that she gave up her first child up for adoption. The one that she calls DS on this site for which I'm assuming means "Darling Son". I would certainly be upset at my daughter if she dropped that bomb on me and then expected me to come bearing gifts for a 'replacement' child.

Whoah! Angry stalker alert.

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