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June 2012 Moms
Am I the only one?
So I am just curious and in NO WAY judging anyone else's parenting style.
I read a lot of posts and online articles, and it seems that a majority of mothers co-sleep and are BF and moving toward attachment parenting styles-or some variation of it.
This is baby #2; I tried BF with our son and I hated it. I didn't produce enough milk, it was uncomfortable for me and not something I will be trying with this baby. I understand all the benefits, but the emotional and physical frustrations I had with it make it something I have no desire to do again.
With co-sleeping, we never did it with our son and have no desire to. My DH and I feel our bed is OUR bed and the kids have their own beds. We feel that our bed is almost our sanctuary and night time is sometimes the only 15 mins we get together uninterrupted. Now, that being said, we still have our 6YO sneaking in our bed during a thunderstorm or a nightmare and that is totally fine. We also have snuggle time on the weekends where we all lay together, so its not that our bed is off limits-its just not a regular thing.
I am just wondering if I am the only mother who feels this way? I also read about attachment parenting and variations of it and its just not for me. Again-I support any parent and their ways in raising their own kids. I am just wondering if I am alone in this.
Thanks for your input!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I the only one?
We are going to try and BF...I really want to, but as for attchement parenting/co-sleeping...absolutely not.
My parents let my half brother sleep in their bed when he was little and he stayed there until he was 14. I agree that our bed is OUR bed...some things people are doing now, just seem so weird to me.
The only time I was in my parents bed was Saturday morning and when I had a nightmare (and even then, mom would come into my room).
I tend to find it funny when moms (especially first time moms) say they will absolutely or absolutely NOT do something. Mainly because everything I thought I would do went out the window with my first, so I know how plans can go awry.
Because of that, I also 100% believe that (almost) every mom is doing what is best for her and her child, regardless of whether I agree or not.
I ended up cosleeping only because it was the only way my daughter would sleep until we finally got a swing and learned to swaddle. The idea wasn't even on my radar before she was born. My best friend thought I was insane and kept telling me how dangerous it was (not out of judgement, but out of concern). We have different parenting styles, but we're also different people.
I actually didn't read many parenting books before my first arrived. I decided I would figure out what worked for us as we went. That's probably another reason I giggle a little internally when a FTM says unequivocaly how she will be doing something - it's just not who I am to make those types of decisions - I'm much more laid-back. You're probably either the type of person who will relate to attachment parenting or you're not. I doubt someone will read anything about that style and suddenly change everything about themselves to follow it - it's more reinforcing what some people are already naturally inclined to do.
I am 100% with you on the co-sleeping. Only time my DS sleeps with us is when he is sick, and that is the only time I plan to let LO in our bed as well.
You are not alone. We sound very much alike even though I did BF DS for 12 mos, we did not co-sleep and I don't believe that the AP style would ever work for my family. It is most definately OUR bed. That being said, when DS is sick and Saturday mornings we do pile into our bed.
AP style, IMO, seems to put the kids in charge, not the parent. I am in no way strict or millitant, but I do feel that I will know whats best for my child until they get to a certain age/maturity. We researched different styles of parenting and chose what made sense to us and would work for our family. We did go into it with an open mind that if something didn't work, we would re-examine and modify if need be. But both DH and I felt that both our kids and ourselves needed routine and consistancy. Most of our friends/family members share our ideas about parenting and I can truly say that their children are a pleasure to be around.
I also feel that this is a regional/social issue. More conservative families tend to opt for "traditional" parenting and more liberal families tend to opt for AP styles. Forgive me if this is a gross generalization, this is just what I have experienced. But I don't judge/critisize other parenting styles, because each family has to do what works for them.
I am so glad I am not the only one.
There is SUCH a media push (and push from other mothers) for mothers to have their babies and kids attached to them at all times, and I'm just not like that-neither was my mom and she and I are super close and I grew up to be completely well adjusted adult.
I read an article on how the actress from Blossom (I can't remember her name) is pro-coparenting and how she does it with 3 kids and it makes me....well....laugh.
I am fully comfortable with how I've raised my son so far and don't feel pressure to change, its just sometimes you feel like you are in a pool all by yourself, you know?
I love being a mom-but I also love being myself too.
To be honest, I don't think the way I'm going to completely follow any formula, attachment or otherwise. I've simply seen things that parents have done, ones I've known or seen in the hospital, and experiences based on what my own parents/stepparents have done and I've come to a few of me own conclusions. Some might fall under attachment, some not. I do not plan on co-sleeping; too dangerous, if you ask me. Our bed is very high off the ground and has a very soft memory foam mattress. I just don't trust the bed/myself. We are going to have a small crib in the room though until I go back to work. I will attempt breastfeeding and give it my all because it's worth it to me, but I in no way condemn those who give it a try and decide it's not for them. To be honest, some of it is because it's free. :P
I'm not one to stick with a catch all term like attachment parenting. I'm pretty laid back and I'd rather just see how things go. And no matter what anyone says, it's hard to know WHAT you'll do until the baby is here, because every child has their own temperament, and every parent has their limits.
I BFed or EPed for 6 months with both my boys. It's not something I entirely enjoy but I do it to save us money mostly. We do not co-sleep or bed share. Our boys have been in their own beds since day 1 and ds3 will be the same. We feel very strongly about everyone in their own beds. Almost all of my close IRL friends are like this so it's not abnormal to me at all.
We definitely sound alike. I am the parent, and I am in charge. Most of my family has the same parenting style as I do, and like yours, our children are very pleasant to be around and so are the parents.
Parenting is a go with the flow type operation and flexibility has enabled us to maintain our sanity throughout this.
I agree with you from what i've seen/heard. I did wear ds2 a lot which is AP b/c I needed both hands for ds1 since he was only 15 mths when ds2 came along. I will probably wear this one a lot too.
I do think it's a regional thing. The things I have read on here are a lot different then what I'm around in IRL. All of my friends feed on a schedule whether it be formula or nursing, all had their babies in their own rooms from day 1, etc.
I will be trying to EBF. But I will not beat myself up over it if it doesn't work out.
Bed sharing definitely is not for me. I feel our bed is our sanctuary and plan to keep it that way.
I will be breastfeeding because "breast is best" but not because I have some deep desire to fulfill a need to breastfeed.
We will not be co-sleeping, though. This was something DH and I agreed on early on. The baby has his own room and crib. I'm not interested in picking up any particular parenting style, but there are some principles and philosophies we want to adopt.
We're both of the mind that life as a husband and wife does not end when mom and dad enter the picture. We're so, so, so excited about this baby, but I think a lot of children grow up believing they are the absolute centre of the universe. I don't think that's healthy for either child or parents. Parents still need to maintain some autonomy and children need to develop autonomy - they have to recognize that other people are important, have needs, have feelings, etc that have to be considered. I know that seems totally opposite to what's common in parenting here, but we'll see how it goes.
Sometimes I see other people's kids in our office and they're running around crazy, grabbing things, begging for attention and I think, "Oh my goodness, respect, patience, and dealing with boredom and frustration cannot be THAT hard to teach a child!" I think those things ESPECIALLY when I look at DH's little sister. She is 10 and SO needy and emotional and manipulative and I just can't stand her. The other day, I came to work with DH and we walked past his mom's house (right beside the business) and his sister was SCREAMING and having a huge tantrum. DH asked his step-dad what was going on and it turns out she was furious that they only gave her $30 for the book fair at school. I just don't have the patience for that kind of behaviour. Oh, and she still bed-shares with DH's mom and her step-dad (they started dating when she was 2). The one night last week they told her that she had to sleep in her own room and she threw a fit and didn't sleep the whole night. Then she didn't go to school the next day. MIL said she was "out of sorts" because she's not used to sleeping by herself. Ugh. I cannot deal with that!
I plan on EBFing - pumping into bottles if necessary/possible - but like PPs have said - I understand that there are things that are out of my control and I need to do what is best for LO.
I'm not a big fan of AP. I believe in being there for your child and providing for their needs, but I do believe that infants and babies have 'needs nothing' time and don't need to be constantly held/amused.
I'm a FTM and realllllllllllly hoping to breastfeed - I have no experience with it yet, but it is something that I want to do very very much for many reasons. I did go to a few of the local LLL meetings, and the leader offered to come over and help me if I had any issues, so with any luck she might be able to help me resolve whatever troubles I might be having.
I do believe in the idea of sharing a room with a baby in the first few months, and I'm not against co-sleeping by any means - my parents did it with my little brother without a problem. That said, I would feel more comfortable having LO very close to me but not necessarily be in bed together. We're moving soon after I give birth, so there's no sense in setting up a whole crib, but for now we're going to put her bassinet at bed level right next to me. When we do put the crib together, we're going to open it on one side so it essentially becomes an extension of the bed. I'd like her to stay with us for at least the first 6 months-1 year, and we'll see after that. I definitely would like for her to be in her own room soon after she turns 1. I always had my own room growing up and was never allowed to sleep in my parents' bed (in fact, sometimes if I had a nightmare or was scared at night, my mom would come and stay in my bed with me for a little while). I don't think that these separate sleeping arrangements hurt me in any way, either - I actually really liked having my own room for as long as I can remember, and I don't remember even considering sleeping with my parents at any point. Still, I also know that as a FTM I would feel more comfortable if the baby slept with us at least until she was a little bit older.
My plan is to BF... I am a FTM... but both of our moms did it with all of thier kids for at least 6 months and we have a support group close to us that meets thursday mornings... Its with the lactation consaultant that will also be at the hospital when I deliver...
As far as co sleeping... we have a one bed room... her pack n play will be set up in our room next to the bed... but we only have a full there is no way she will even fit in the bed... I cuddled up with my mom... but didnt cosleep with her until I was much older... and would come home from college... I know its odd but she was newly divorced and we needed each other when I came home... she slept in the same room as my sister until she was a year old... and then my sister and I shared a room for 6 years... but I still think LO should have her own space... even if its right next to our bed... lol
I'm a FTM and am planning on breastfeeding (if it works out) and using the Baby Wise method... I have friends that have kids, and one attachment parents and seems to be miserable constantly - her son is now a year old and is waaay to attached to her in my opinion. (Won't let anyone hold him, cries constantly when she's not around, etc.). Two of my friends have used the baby wise method, one with a single and then multiples, and has loved having thier babies - thier babies were sleeping through the night early on and are very outgoing now that they are toddlers.
I'm impressed with the outcome of the style I've chosen, and by no means do I think theres a definite right or wrong way to parent
I'm a FTM and am planning on breastfeeding (if it works out) and using the Baby Wise method... I have friends that have kids, and one attachment parents and seems to be miserable constantly - her son is now a year old and is waaay to attached to her in my opinion. (Won't let anyone hold him, cries constantly when she's not around, etc.). Two of my friends have used the baby wise method, one with a single and then multiples, and has loved having thier babies - thier babies were sleeping through the night early on and are very outgoing now that they are toddlers.
I'm impressed with the outcome of the style I've chosen, and by no means do I think theres a definite right or wrong way to parent.
Just a word of warning, I do baby wise and the EASY method and both my boys went through a separation anxiety period. My oldest was really bad and had a hard time in any big group or with strangers. He's just now in the last 6 months really coming out of it. It's his personality. He's shy and to himself. He's gone to inhome daycare and now school since he was 12wks old too. DS2 went through it but not nearly as bad. He has a totally different personality through and is way more outgoing. They did both STTN by 13wks through. AP does lend itself to being more child centered but even those of us who don't follow the AP methods have separation anxiety issues in their LOs. Several of my friends who do the same methods as I do have had issues as well.
We will EBF this baby, just like his brothers. My friend who had her baby girl a month ago told me on day two that it wasn't going well and she was going to quit. It's going to take more than two days to try and figure things out. I felt bad and wanted to offer some advice, but didn't want to overstep my boundaries. She had her mind made up from day one about trying to nurse, but seemed to let the opinion of the staff and doctor (who said the baby was starving and gave formula on day one) step in and make the decisions. Now she's plenty mad, has switched formula a dozen times, and is beyond frustrated with herself. I feel terrible, but again I haven't said anything other than support for her decisions.
As for co-sleeping we don't do it. Our baby sleeps in our room, but in his own space. And once he's old enough to move around we move the baby to his crib. My husband and I feel like our room is our own space. We don't mind a visitor because of illness or storm, but the thought of having anyone extra in our bed for more than one night doesn't sound restful at all.
I feel the same. Our bed is our bed and kids have their own bed. That being said, DD2 has been having terrible sleeps for the past month and crawls into bed with us halfway through the night. We usually bring her crib mattress in our room and put it on the floor and move her down there as soon as she's back asleep. There's simply no room for her in our bed and she sleeps sideways.
I have no issues with whatever parenting style someone chooses, until they criticize or look down their nose at my style. The one that had me steaming the most was a mom who complains about the 2 hour routine (who the heck has that much time every night?) to put her kids to bed and when someone else mentioned how easily both my kids go to bed, she says "well, that's nice but I cherish our family time putting the kids to bed." *eyeroll*
These trends are definitely not all or nothing. I'm a huge supporter of BFing. I just weaned my 28 month old a few weeks ago and plan to do the same with #2. But, from what I've read, it actually makes them more independent as young children. She is a very independent toddler.
The only time DD comes into our bed is in the morning, when she gets up before I'm ready to join the land of the living.
And, it's really hard to do attachment parenting, when your child spends 10+ hours at daycare everyday.
I think everyone will find their own parenting groove.
I ditto every single thing you have said.
I plan to exclusively BF, but I think that each mom knows what works for her and her family. We will have LO room in for the first 6 months because it is convenient to feed her at night, but we will not be co-sleeping. I am not into the bed sharing, attachment parenting, but that's me...
We went that AP route with our last 2 babies. And while it was wonderful, we won't be doing it again when it comes to the sleeping and feeding arrangements.
Now that we've had a few years of having our bedroom back, we realize that we're lucky our marriage survived and we could still get back to thriving after the kids left our room. Plus this time, I'm still not healed after a major cancer surgery and so I'm hoping that I can finally heal and get some sleep after the baby is born. And since I will need to bottle feed this time (due to cancer), there is no need for the baby to be close for easier feedings at night.
I strongly believe that people will do what works for their family and that is all you really can do, but I think I am along the lines of the PP's that say its a mixture.
I will try my hardest to BF, but not for attachment reasons
As for AP or co-sleeping. Co-sleeping to me is more "in the bed" or for extended periods of time and that will not happen, meaning extenuating circumstances will be considered. I will have the baby in the room the first 2 to 3 months in a RnP, but the crib is ultimately the baby's bed, they will unlikely remember after a couple months that they slept in my room at all and its difficult enough to have my little dog in my bed and not panic.
I can't imagine completely going any one style. I think a relationship and paying attention to your child is very important, but there needs to be a balance. Any friends that I have, that do mainly AP style, tend to have more issues and aggravation later.
There is an "epidemic" of sorts these days where parents dont let their children grow and learn on their own, even at a very young age, everyone is so overprotective, kids don't learn coping skills anymore, you can't protect them forever.
DD - Lucia Alessandra 6/18/12 ~~~ Welcoming Baby Boy!! - 3/26/14
Oh, I totally agree with you on this one!
I'm really flip flopping on BFing this one. The first didn't work out and I don't know if I want to deal with that drama and feeling like a failure again. I don't know. I'll probably try but I'm not going to make it into something that HAVE to do in order to feel like a good mom.
And there is no way in hell I will ever co-sleep.