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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
I'm a PW lately... Poor K
CFjo2010
member
When K got picked up on Sunday she was happy and excited about the baby and couldn't wait to tell everyone about being a big sister. As she was leaving she's telling me that she can't wait to tell all her friends at school and her teacher.
FF to yesterday when I picked her up from school. No one said "Congratulations" to me, not even her teacher. K was a completely different kiddo than left our home Sunday night. She was very quiet and withdrawn and didn't do her normal run out and hug me. I thought this was odd, so I asked K how everyone reacted to the news. And guess what? She didn't tell anyone at school. Why, you ask? "Because Mommy told me not to tell anyone because it's not good news".
I told my husband about it, and after karate we sat down with her and asked her if she's excited and happy. She said she is, so my husband asked why she felt she couldn't tell anyone at school. When she told him that BM told her not to, he told her that this baby is her news and that if she's happy and excited, she can tell whoever she wants. He told her she doesn't have to pretend to be excited if she's not excited, and she doesn't have to pretend to not be excited if she actually is excited. She started crying and said that Mommy is mad about the baby and told her that the baby is going to take her place and that we won't want her anymore. We assured her that no matter what, we love her and will always want her. After the talk she seemed better, and was a much happier kid than I had picked up a few hours prior.
Wow. Thanks BM. Way to make your 6 year old feel like sh!t about something that just a day ago she was incredibly excited about, just because you are pathetic and miserable. Mother of The Year, right there.
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Re: I'm a PW lately... Poor K
It's sucky, but you're not surprised.
Good job repairing the damage.
I knew BM would stifle the excitement, but I am genuinely surprised that she would mentally poison her daughter that way. I mean really, who does that?! Who is so miserable and awful that they would deliberately traumatize their child just to feel validated?
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Im so sorry that you had to deal with that. I am new to the board and wanted to share. When I found out I was pregnant my SS was 6. He was thrilled and and so excited. Then when his BM found out it was nasty. When my DD was born SS was told by his BM and her family that DD was not really his sister that it was his SS and they didnt have the same mommy or daddy. He was so confused and upset that it broke my heart. After many talks with SS he realized that DD is his sister. It breaks my heart that some woman can be so insensitive.
Congrats on fixing the damage and congrats on the baby!!
Actually, all the parents as well as the tacher are on great terms with me and my husband. We're both actively involved with her class and school. They generally avoid BM because of her behavior at previous functions and things she pulls in the classroom. When K told everyone I started a new job a few months ago, they all congratulated me either at school or emailed me.
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I'm just saying it shouldn't be expected nor a big deal if they don't.
My exh did a similar thing with my dc, but I think I have repaired it.
OP, that stinks so bad. It is almost tantamount to emotional abuse, IMO. I wish there was recourse like there is for physical abuse of a child, because I am sure things like this can be just as damaging.
BM has been doing this in regards to me, my children and my family since we got engaged. She has told K that my son and daughter aren't really her brother and sister, my sisters aren't really her aunts and that my parents aren't really her grandparents. K has been really good about not getting too upset about these statements and she has told us that her mom is wrong without much discussion from me or my husband. I'm sure BM is going to pull the same thing when the baby is born, and we're already prepared with our "speech".
What's so bizarre though is BM is a blended family. She doesn't know who her father is, and her 6 siblings are technically her half-siblings. Of course she never calls them her half-siblings, but somehow she thinks her blended family is different and better than ours.
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Of course she does, and I think thats a totally normal immature reaction. I can't even say how I would react if H and I split and he was having a child w/ someone else. I can honestly say though, that as an adult, the negative comments need to be kept to herself. Messing with a kids mind like that, its just wrong.
I was sitting there with him when she told us, but I don't know that I want to make K have these discussions in front of other people just so we have "witnesses". However, I totally understand what you're saying about documenting it, and we did last night.
My husband isn't going to bother confronting BM about it. She had such a temper tantrum this weekend saying that he never puts K first and that he should terminate his parental rights, it's just not worth dealing with her. If K starts seeming withdrawn again then he said he'll go in Ex Parte for an order for counseling for K, but he thinks as long as we continue to reassure her that her mom is batsh!t crazy and that we love her and aren't going anywhere, then she'll come out of this ok.
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Not even a grandma or a supportive aunt who happens to be doing the dishes in the background while she mentions this stuff? Just saying when it comes to court your word and your husbands are the same it's best to have another witness. Also confronting is not for your peace of mind but to get it documented that she said those things.
During our custody stuff Bm straight admitted via text that she tells SS lots of things that alienate him from us because he's her "best friend" she didn't even realize the hole she dug for herself until it got to court
Def this.
:lurker in: Such disgusting behavior! We shared our news with my sweet SS on Tuesday. He left excited and asked if he could tell his friends. It will be interesting to see him tomorrow when we pick him up from school (after seeing him last on Tuesday) to see if his reaction has changed as I wouldn't put it past BM to do something like this as well. :lurker out:
BM did the same thing to us! Except the odd thing was that she waited until DH and I were married a year before telling SD that DS is not her real brother, and that my parents aren't really her grandparents. It probably came about because I was pregnant at the time. The irony is that BM allows SD to call her cousin her 'sister'.
I actually gave a mini lecture (conversational tone, not stern) about this to my grade one class yesterday. A boy said something about his sister, and another student said "you mean your step-sister". I told them the same thing I told SD when she mentioned her mom saying that we weren't really her family "it's always good to have more people to love you".
Thanks everyone, the last couple days have been kinda rough and disheartening for me and my husband. He called his attorney and informed him of what was said, and the attorney basically said (which we already knew) that unless and until K gets into some sort of therapy and the therapist is willing to testify it's going to be "he said she said".
So we're going to keep doing what we always do: make sure that K feels involved, loved and secure here. We're fortunate to have her so frequently (we rarely go more than 3 days without seeing her) that we're confident we can keep her from buying into BM's crap. Tonight is K's favorite dinner and then we'll look at the "weekly" update for the baby since she won't be with us this weekend. Tomorrow morning she gets to go have a special breakfast with me and Daddy before school. Hopefully these things will help her "doubt" BM's comments, and going forward we're just going to make sure she stays super involved with the pregnancy.
But I still loathe BM and want to throat punch her for hurting that little girl.
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This drums up nasty feelings for me too. When we told SK's I was pregnant, they were thrilled. They went home and told BM and came for the next visit and said their mother would never "subject them to the trama of having another baby because they are enough for her. Obviously, Daddy and Bagel are not happy with you guys and feel the need to have more children." Obviously not true.
As luck would have it, we lost the baby. BM just announced she is pregnant with her 2nd child with her new hubby. It was ALL I could do to not throw those words back at her when she was pregnant the first time. I love how her rules do not apply to herself.
I'm just waiting for BM to say something like this. And it's going to take every ounce of energy not to respond with, "You aren't having another baby because no one wants to be in a relationship with your crazy ass." Breath Jo, breath.....
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