Family's concerns about insemination

hlke · May 2012

As I mentioned in TTT, C shared our plans for starting a family with her family. She talked to her mom about a week ago, and with her dad on Sunday. On Sunday, her dad launched into this monologue about how C had fallen away from her faith and how if we were going to have children we really need to find a church. Odd, but whatever.

Yesterday, both her parents called and told her that they were uncomfortable with the way we are choosing to start a family (donor sperm) and that they can't support her in it. They told her she should think hard and pray about this. Their objections are somehow connected to their faith, but they were really unclear on what exactly they objected to. They mentioned they would be okay with adoption (?!?), but that what we are doing is "not right" and they "can't support us". C listened and basically said "thank you for telling me how you feel, but we are going to do this anyway".

I honestly think this is just another step in their ongoing journey toward acceptance of C's sexuality and our relationship and now our plans to have children. This exact issue is the whole reason we told them before we were pregnant, but I guess C felt fairly blindsided by their random objection to donor insemination, absent any strong argument for why. To be fair, C only came out to them about two years ago, and we got married 7 months ago. So they've certainly had to deal with a lot in quick succession.

Perhaps the worst part was C then called her brother to get some support after the conversation, and he (who is a practicing Catholic) implied he felt the same way as her parents.

C is just crushed. Her relationship with her family has always been difficult, because they basically don't know how to be in relationships with people. They are all narcissists who don't know how to be supportive other than by showing up, and even then, only when explicitly told it is important to show up. And I am just frustrated to see them hurt her yet again. I don't know what the future will hold for our relationships with her family. We've tried so hard to have a relationship with them, to allow them to do the best they can and not expect any more than they can give, but it is just becoming too hard.

hlke · May 2012

Just wanted to add that C's parents attend a fairly conservative Protestant church (we don't know what kind) and that her brother converted to Catholicism when he got married. And honestly, the religious objections feel a bit like a smokescreen for their general discomfort with all things queer.

maryoosa · May 2012

I'm sorry that you and C are going through this. It's terribly hard when families aren't supportive. I'm not sure where you live, but you might suggest that visit PFLAG- I know when I was first coming out my mother did so, and she is tremendously supportive of both my partner and myself.

The religious objections are probably smokescreen- the catholic church condemns IVF, (and other forms of AI) so I'm sure that plenty of other religions do as well. That said, if the family was generally comfortable with the queerness, my guess is they'd be less likely to be all judgey about this.

I'm sorry.

clairmeij · May 2012

I'm so sorry to hear this, but so glad that you have one another to lean on. It does pass, some people's opinions change, and some don't. I've decided to let the ones that wont change slip away from my life - but I know that's a difficult decision when its family.

2brides · May 2012

I am sorry that this has happened. Of course the cat is now out of the bag, but you might not want to share any additional information with her family during your TTC journey.. We didn't tell either one of our sets of parents when we started TTC and it wasn't until I was 12w that they even knew we wanted to have kids. By then, their criticism was too late. And to this day they know NOTHING about the boys conception/donor/etc. (not that I wouldn't be willing to share, but it hasn't come up and I am leaving well enough alone.)

And who knows how they will respond once your child is born. Babies have a way of turning grandparents around (though of course, not always.)

Good luck. Left Hug

hlke · May 2012

themommymonster:

I am really sorry you are going through this. Just remember you choose each other. You don't really get a choice in your family, but you do get a choice in the relationship they have with you and your future child(ren).

Yeah, this is one of the things we are thinking about right now. What exactly is C getting out of these relationships, other than the hurt?

hlke · May 2012

2brides, I totally get not wanting to share, but in our case we decided honesty was the best policy for a few reasons. First, C's dad has traditionally taken three months to "adjust" to a new idea, but he's always adjusted in the end. If they do come around on the idea, this gives them a chance to be supportive. So we figured giving them time to accept the idea was a good idea, plus C felt she would be even more crushed by their disapproval once she was already pregnant.

Second, we are using a known donor and plan to be open with our child about how he/she was conceived/born, which necessitates honesty with our families too.

Third, we never planned to keep the truth from them, and C's mom asked a lot of questions about "how" when we told her. So did my mom, and I shared openly and she was very supportive. We made the assessment that telling them that we were making plans for a family would be better than springing it on them when we were already pregnant. That certainly was the case with my mother. With her parents, I don't think it matters when/how/why we tell them, their knee jerk reaction is to disapprove.

Finally, we honestly thought it was better to know now. They may come around, but if they don't, we're not sure how much of a role they will have in our child(ren)'s lives.

Kershnic · May 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this. We are fortunate to have supportive parents on the queer front, but we had some concern that DW's mom might take time to adjust to the idea that our planning includes me being pregnant first. You have to know your own family, but I strongly feel that giving them a chance to adjust to things can be really important for some family members.

As for whether this is a queer issue, of course that is certainly a possibility. But there's also a possibility that it is genuinely a lack of comfort/knowledge with AI/donors/etc. I know a straight couple who conceived with donor eggs and one set of grandparents thought the baby would be a "creature" and all this crazy stuff.

That doesn't make it hurt less, but personally I often find it comforting to realize that straight people have to go through some of this stuff too. And, understanding what their concerns really are will help you two know what extra information and guidance will best help them come around.

ball.and.chain · May 2012

I'm so sorry to hear this. But maybe -- hopefully -- they'll come around after the 3 month adjustment period?

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