Mother-in-Law Question

jaimgame · May 2012

My husband and I had our first disagreement since we found out we were pregnant last night. His mother called and offerred to stay with us for a few weeks after the baby is born. I told him that I really preferred my mother to help me out my first week or so. To my surprise, he was really offended by this and accused me of not liking his mother.

My MIL and I do not have a bad relationship. She is a very nice person. However, she is very controlling and pushy. When she visits, it always seems like she is criticizing my weight, my cooking, and my housekeeping skills (of course my husband is oblivious). To make matters worse, she was a stay-at-home mom who cooked everything from scratch (including grinding her own wheat to make bread). I do not plan to stay home (although I would love to if I could) and she does not agree with my decision.

Although I really appreciate the help, I do not want to add anymore stress to my first week. I don't want to hurt my husband's or his family's feelings, but..... Not sure what to do. Help!

JennyMichelle85 · May 2012

they should be respectful of YOUR feelings. of course a woman is going to want to her own mother there for her.

maybe MIL can help out with cooking or something?

im kind of a blunt person tho and if it were me, i'd just say sorry, but no

FirefightersBride · May 2012

I personally don't want anyone up my butt after the baby comes, but that's just me. As far as your MIL goes, why not talk with the hubs and see if she maybe can come after your mom leaves? That way she gets some time with the baby and you can have some help...but you get the help you want 1st

mindy0711 · May 2012

Maybe let her stay a few days after you have the baby and then let her know that your mom is going to help you the rest of the time.

My MIL was very similar to what your sounds like, she was very opinionated and didn't like the way I did somet things with my DD, but looking back I am appreciative of the time we spent together. She passed away from cancer a year ago this month and I would give anything to have her back and annoying me with her snide comments. I am just happy she was able to spend time with my daughter and stay for her second birthday. Unfortuantely, she won't be with us for baby number 2.

6fsn · May 2012

My MIL made the same offer. I was upfront with DH and just told him that I would be uncomfortable with her here. I wanted the first few nights alone with him and baby to figure it out. Then I wanted my mom. I can be much more free with my mom and ask her those oddball questions. I also said I did not want to commit to anyone being with us for a week when I didn't know how I would feel physically or emotionally.

We came home for a few nights then my mom stayed for a few then his mom came for a few.

FirefighterWife24 · May 2012

I do not blame you one bit!! It sounds like (no offense!!) your MIL would drive you crazy while she's there. And honestly I would much rather have MY mother there with me than my husband's. I think that's just how it's supposed to go, in my opinion. I would go nuts if my MIL was to stay with us. She's very opinionated and an only child so she acts very spoiled and gets on my nerves. We would definitely not do well together!!

Your husband needs to understand that this is going to be a learning experience for both of you and if you'd prefer your mother helping you he should really respect that! He kind of sounds like a 'momma's boy (again, no offense) if he's going to get that upset with you not wanting her to stay with y'all.

Good luck! I hope everything works out for you, in a way that won't drive you crazy or drive a wedge between you and your husband!

ohbabybaby802 · May 2012

I think that you should be able to choose who is with you during that time. I have a feeling my MIL will offer the same and I plan on being a firm NO. My mom is my best friend and I will want her help and advice, and my MIL will just be making me more stressed, not relaxed.

I would say that for now since its so new that you will make plans with family the closer the delivery gets, this way you can see how you feel as the time comes. Just remember - it is important that YOU appreciate and enjoy the first few days with your LO, so don't give in to anything that makes you uncomfortable!

kenna_4 · May 2012

My MIL came the week DD was born, she isn't like your MIL mine is very sweet. It still was very stressful having "company" with a new born. I was just getting the hang of breast feeding, and didn't feel comfortable just pulling my boob out in front of her, and although somebody was here to help me cook and do laundry I felt like I couldn't just go nap and what not since she was doing alot I should at least talk to her, and I know she was doing the best she could to stay out of the way. I also felt bad because I wanted to hold the baby all the time, and feel like I had to give her a "turn" type thing.

I'd tell your DH you'd rather your MIL came when you are more comfortable so that she can be more "helpful". It really is your choice, if I knew know what I knew then I would have asked her to wait a few weeks.

kerribear1717 · May 2012

For sure have your mom come. Maybe MIL can come when your mom is there too so you have an extra person to pawn her off on.

And be more open about how you feel with your DH. Tell him exactly why you feel the way you do. Maybe if your DH will be home 100% as well then MIL can come so he can help deal. But really you and DH need your own space to bond as well with new LO.

brianabrad · May 2012

FirefightersBride:
I personally don't want anyone up my butt after the baby comes, but that's just me. As far as your MIL goes, why not talk with the hubs and see if she maybe can come after your mom leaves? That way she gets some time with the baby and you can have some help...but you get the help you want 1st

This.

I personally don't want anyone staying with us right after the baby comes home. I feel like that is my time with DH and the baby. I wouldn't mind MIL coming into town after I've gone back to work to be a baby sitter a week or so and I don't mean that in a rude way at all but that would give her time with the LO and not in my hair too.

mlangs · May 2012

Does this stuff really happen?

I don't see wither my mom or my MIL coming to stay with us. Granted MIL lives in France and mom has a job. I just expect to have to do it pretty much on my own once we come home.

amh04 · May 2012

This might of been a good topic to discuss before you started TTC (assuming you did).

We won't have anyone coming to stay with us after the baby is born. My H will have 10 days off for Parental leave (time off) and then we will invite our family to come down whenever they'd like after the first month. They're always welcome to visit (we live 10 hours away) any time they'd like. But that first month is off limites. I personally do not want anyone up my butt and I'd really want just that time with my H and our new baby.

MrsP052909 · May 2012

When my son was born our family lived 9 hours away and my husband was scheduled to deploy 2 weeks after my due date so we told everyone that they could come to see DH off but not be there for the birth. They were completely fine with our decision. I understand wanting your mom there with you. But it's your husbands baby too and so I can completely see why he would be upset about you not wanting his mother there.

acardona1010 · May 2012

I love my MIL and she doesn't get on my nerves at all, but my mom is my absolute best friend and I can't imagine anyone else being there. My MIL only lives 5 minutes away so really she can come whenever, but she's very respectful of my time with my mom and I'm sure she'll stay away for a little while when the baby comes home.

If I were you, I would just talk to your MIL. I bet she'll understand if you talk to her about it directly instead of just your DH.

denise_m · May 2012

I've honestly never had anyone stay with us after the birth of a baby, ever after cesareans, and leaving the hospital less than 48 hours after the last. Really, the baby sleeps most of the time the first few weeks, with his help you should be fine.

If you want your mom to come and stay with you for a bit, think of a way you can do something special for your MIL, like let her be the first to hold baby, or be in the delivery room (we had MIL, mom and dh with my first), or something similar.

SLHurst11 · May 2012

Tell your husband all of the possible pains/side effects right after birth, and you can probably make some up too... he won't know. Claim that you're afraid you're going to be emotional and bleeding and sore, and that you're more comfortable subjecting your own mother to all that, rather than putting MIL through it. Say you don't want MIL to see all those things and how you handle them, but you're okay with your own mom because she was there to deal with all your teenage issues already. It's a comfort thing.

Maybe if you gross him out a little, he'll think twice about it... Stick out tongue

SummerOH · May 2012

It sounds like there's a bit more going on below the surface. You say that your MIL is critical of you, controlling, and pushy and your husband doesn't see it. But he gets offended when you simply state your feelings? That seems backwards. For me, when you get married and begin your own family, that family trumps both of your old ones. Not that you forget them or treat them poorly, of course, but I think your husband is a little too quick to defend his mother and a little slow to defend you. My MIL was very critical and old-fashioned about a lot of things when we were first married until my husband basically told her to back off because he's a grown man and we have our own lives now.

I think it's natural for a woman to want her own mother there. You can love your MIL dearly but it's still usually a little more formal, if that makes sense. On the other hand, all the feelings YOU are having about your mother are feelings he is having about HIS mother. Maybe compromise and have your mother there in the days immediately after and then a little later your MIL can step in. Generally things are a little calmer and more into a routine of some sort by then so maybe you'll be more comfortable with "company."

weaslewam · May 2012

SLHurst11:
Tell your husband all of the possible pains/side effects right after birth, and you can probably make some up too... he won't know. Claim that you're afraid you're going to be emotional and bleeding and sore, and that you're more comfortable subjecting your own mother to all that, rather than putting MIL through it. Say you don't want MIL to see all those things and how you handle them, but you're okay with your own mom because she was there to deal with all your teenage issues already. It's a comfort thing.

Maybe if you gross him out a little, he'll think twice about it...

Yes! When the husband is uncomfortable ye shall get your way!

Good luck!

KatieKim0815 · May 2012

OMG. I have to say we had sporadic visitors after DS was born and that alone was very overwhelming. I wouldn't want anyone living with us for a few weeks. Period.

I would tell your MIL, with your DHs, support that you are grateful for her help and would love for her to bring over meals and come over for sporadic visits but that you really need that time to bond. I would honestly do the same for your Mom as well. Just have them on call. That way no one feels left out. You can't predict now how you'll feel wehn the baby's born one way or the other but it's your house and your ILs and parents don't get to make decisions like that one way or the other.

BabyFS · May 2012

For a few WEEKS? I'd never survive that! My husband also gets really defensive about his mother, so I understand how tough this is for you. I agree with other people that you should enlighten your husband regarding the unpleasant physical aftermath of labor and delivery (stitches and leaking for a vaginal birth, recovery from major surgery for a c-section, breasts leaking, etc). It's normal not to want to share all of that with your MIL.

You might have to just agree that no one stays with you after the baby - that way he can't accuse you of picking favorites. I think it's a good idea to invite your MIL to help out when you go back to work when you could really use her.

hmontty · May 2012

I can't relate because my MIL and I get along really well (even though I have an undercurrent of dislike, or rather disrespect, for her), but I can relate on DH not understanding the difference between YOUR mom and HIS mom. After my C-section, which was rough as hell, his family wanted to come by. I said no. I mean, I was literally WRITHING and crying out with severe gas pains throughout my body, I hadn't eaten in 24 hours so was starving, the nurses had forgotten to give me my pain meds (this was less than 24 hours after surgery), I was half naked and spread eagle with a catheter, and so on. Needless to say, I did not want his mom in there trying to hold my hand and comfort me.

However, I did want MY mom there. He absolutely could not understand that whatsoever.

We actually still argue about this today if it ever comes up. I still sort of hate him for making me feel guilty that I didn't want his family sitting around watching me in my most painful, humiliating, and vulnerable moment ever, like some animal in a glass cage. (I am a very private person, so that would be my worst nightmare.)

So I can't offer much advice, but I can offer empathy. Hold to your guns.

angelsmile · May 2012

Ask your husband how he would feel having YOUR father stay with him for a few weeks after having some kind of surgery on his penis? I'm guessing, um, NO on that one.

If you have just either had major surgery, your vagina expand/contract/push baby out/ get stictches, swell so you feel like you have chicken cutlets in your panties (I'm not kidding)...possibly hemorrhoids, definitiely lots of bleeding...adding in an infant and needing to whip out a boob at a moment's notice, he needs to get the F over himself.

The ONLY way I would agree is that NO MATTER WHAT you say, whether he agrees or not, he will defend you in whatever manner you describe. If she's being pushy, he says she needs to back off...and no throwing you under the bus...no matter what it is he agrees or she gets the ** out.

And I LOVE and adore my MIL, I'd have no problem with her staying either. But it's MY option.

laurakaz13 · May 2012

I would never want my MIL there instead of my own mom. Never! You need to stand up for yourself and not let DH or anyone else push you around.

And whenever anyone questions the fact you're going back to work, "This is what works for our family and is not up for discussion." works to shut people up.

ytterp · May 2012

My mom will stay with us b/c we will be doing a planned c-section. I wouldn't mind my MIL being here for a bit too. I won't want either here for WEEKS. That's a long time.

As for your hubby, ask him if he had surgery on his penis, would he want YOUR mom to help change the bandages and wipe his butt. I think he'll get the idea.

choppinbroccoli22 · May 2012

LoisLane23:
Can't you compromise and let both come, one after the other? I understand you wanting your mom, but you should be respectful of him wanting his family around too.

however, OP you are the one recovering, nursing 24/7, AND going through progesterone withdrawls.. all this combined with lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster when there is someone in your environment you are not totally comfortable with.

Between my mom and my MIL, my mom is the one who drives me up a wall after too much time together. My mother said quite resolutely to me, "I'll just move in" when DD was getting ready to be born. I said without missing a beat, "mom, you're not moving in. You can come over a lot to help me out, but you can't move in. We're newly-weds. With a baby. We're going to need our space or he's going to divorce me." (not really, but it was what I said, to half-way be funny) So glad I did that. She understood and respected my boundaries. She was mad that we moved temporarily into the separate in-law apartment at my in-laws' house instead, but for many long reasons it was the right thing for us, and she got over it.

Kingston54 · May 2012

I would just tell him you don't feel comfortable. That you would prefer to have your mom there because you feel more comfortable with her. I know I love my MIL but you just need your space in those first few weeks.

Jenn0810 · May 2012

After I had DD I didn't invite MIL to stay with us. Throughout the pregnancy and after she was born I simply told DH that while I like his mom and I don't care if she visits, I'm not going to be calling her for advice or ask her to come up and help me. I have my own mother that I am very closet to so she will be my number one when it comes to baby things. She sees DD more often than MIL since we live closer to them and I'm usually the one to visit people with DD. (DH has a weird work schedule and his parents live over an hour away.) MIL used to be sort of hurt by this but I think she understands now.

I would just be firm, yet kind and say that you want this experience to be with your mother. You are the one that will be in recovery and will want support from your own mom.

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