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Single Parents
Divorced moms
I'm on the verge of filing for divorce. I've already met with one atty and I have appointments set up with 3 more this week. Why am I seeking a divorce? Because I discovered my husband was having multiple affairs and has been lying to me since we met six years ago. I'm still having a hard time accessing the anger I feel inside, but I do feel like I need to move forward with filing for the sake of my son and I. My issue is that because I'm not at a point where I can access and channel my anger, I'm not sure how I can effectively break the news to him and have it really hit home. I don't want to just serve him with the papers, I think that's unfair and while part of me hates him, part of me loves him as well. But I don't want to give him a clue as to the direction my mind is going because I don't want him to panic and act irrationally. How did you go about breaking the news about filing?
Edited because I'm a grammer fail.
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Re: Divorced moms
If you have already made it up in your mind that divorce is what needs to happen, then honestly just let the papers be the way he finds out. Yes, it seems harsh but the things that he did behind your back shouldn't be to much of a surprise to him as a reason for divorce and chances are he will know exactly why. Then if/when he asks you about it, very calmly explain to him everything, let him know how it hurt you and give him ONE chance to explain and then don't discuss it again. It would be irrelevant from there on out.
Really, there may be no way of telling him that he will really get it, and continuously trying will only make things worse. If he lied to you for so long and he had affairs, chances are he doesn't have the ability to comprehend what he did and the amount of hurt it caused you. With my STBXH it didn't matter what I said, how I cried to him begging him to just understand, and the in my opinion the profound points I brought up to him he just didn't get it. Every time I tried to get him to understand it made things worse for me, not him. I would end the conversation crying and feeling like I had somehow caused all off this mess. Mine is a lot like how you described yours.
While I get your anger and I get your want to get your point across to him I also know that it gets easier after a little while and that you need to hold your anger at him back. I can honestly say that I have never freaked out on him (which, any woman who deals with this kind of bullsh!t should have the right to SCREAM at their husbands for it in my opinion) but its given me the ability to sit in the courtroom one day and know that there is NOTHING he can accuse me of saying that was out of line, while he has multiple things that won't look good for him. That alone makes me holding my tongue worth it. Divorces, especially ones involving custody of children tend to bring out the bad in people and as hard as it is on you, you need to realize that even if your child is to young to understand exactly what is going on he/she will sense the tension. Make sure your doing what you need to do to make it as easy on your child as possible.
Your going to go through a lot of emotions, its just part of the process. For me the worst was the "I can't do this without him, if only we could just try again it will all be okay" stage. I hated the crying and the pitiful feeling. The anger I used as an opportunity to get things done. You just have to find constructive ways to work through it all, and when you need to cry then cry. Sometimes your going to feel like 100 different emotions in one day and thats okay.
I'd worry less about telling him and more about making sure you have all your ducks in a row before he finds out. I'm not sure what your idea of "panic and act irrationally" is, but as someone whose ex-H handled the news by cleaning out our accounts and fleeing the country, here's what I suggest.
Have you:
Opened an individual checking account?
Tried to get your name taken off of any joint credit cards/financial accounts?
Decided where you are going to reside once you file?
Those are just a few things to consider. I'm sure the ladies on this board can add to the list.
I guess when I say act irrationally I mean more beg and plead and try and manipulate me vs get violent or take the money and run. He pays the rent so I'm going to time things so I know the rent has been paid for the month before the news is delivered. So I have at least 30 days to find an alternate place to live. We're in a month-to-month rental.