Should we go with a 2 or 3 yr gap between our next kids?

KateLouise · May 2012

Our current situation is that DD1 and DD2 are 2 years apart, and I'm on 12 months maternity leave. I have the option to take up to 48 months, but 24 or 48 months would work perfectly with the school year (I'm a teacher) so we're looking at one or the other.

I have to work at least 12 months to be eligible for another 2 years maternity leave.(I will definitely take 2 yrs with the 3rd) So our options are:

Take 12 months maternity leave and aim to have a third LO that would give us a 2 yr gap.

Take 48 months maternity leave and aim to have a third LO that would give us a 3 yr gap.

I have to let work know before DD2 is 9 months old.

Some different thoughts I have:

- Having 3 under 5 at home sounds hard.

- Conversely, having a newborn, 3 yr old and 5 yr old and taking 5 yr old to school every day with a newborn sounds like hard work.

- If I take 12 months that would make things easier financially, although 48 months is definitely doable.

- I would like a 4th baby, and taking 12 months would make that more plausible (I'm 34)

- DH is dead set on 3 kids, and I doubt I'll change his mind, so I should make the most of my time at home.

- When DD1 was 10months I got baby fever bad, don't want to commit to 48 months and then have to wait and wait for another baby.

- There's no guarantees that a 3rd baby would even happen, stuff happens, I'm older so maybe I should take the 2 years and enjoy it.

- I've seen families where one sibling has a bigger gap than the other two, and that one is on the outer. (I know this is not a hard and fast rule)

- I think I enjoy the 2-3 age, more than the 1-2 age. Being at home for 12 months would mean I'd be back home for the 2-3 age for DD2.

I'm just really torn. If you got through all this, does anyone have any insight or thoughts?

Thanks

jkeyros · May 2012

We've got a 7 year old boy, 3 year old boy, and now a 3 1/2 month old girl. The gap between the two boys could stand to be a little bit smaller, because I find that they fight about everything! We didn't plan for this much of a gap between the two of them, they would probably get along much better if they were closer in age.

tokenhoser · May 2012

All this agonizing seems to be hinging on you being able to plan to get pregnant in one month. What if it takes a while?

We're trying to decide when to TTC again, and I'm thinking we'll start at the minimum gap we're okay with (2 years). I'd rather have 2.5 years, but it seems like splitting hairs when I'm still bf-ing and have no idea if my period is anywhere close.

KateLouise · May 2012

tokenhoser:
All this agonizing seems to be hinging on you being able to plan to get pregnant in one month. What if it takes a while?
We're trying to decide when to TTC again, and I'm thinking we'll start at the minimum gap we're okay with (2 years). I'd rather have 2.5 years, but it seems like splitting hairs when I'm still bf-ing and have no idea if my period is anywhere close.

i know there's no predicting when we might get pregnant. i'm just working on the ideal situation/minimum gaps depending on when we TTC.

Because I have to work at least 12 months between maternity leaves that means either 2 years minimum or if I take 48 months leave then 3 years minimum.

Having said that we got pregnant the first month trying with both of our daughters, so it's easy to assume it will be that easy in the future, although obviously I know that may well not be the case.

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2012

I would start ttc with the minimum gap you feel comfortable with. I hate to be a negative nelly, but fertility decreases with age, so while you may get pregnant easily the first and second time, the third time may take a little longer.

sweetpea2003 · May 2012

At age 34 I would be working with minimum age gaps. Fertility decreases, pregnancies get harder, the chances of genetic issues rises. And it happens FAST. Especially if you are talking about wanting two more babies and needing to work 12 months between maternity leaves.

KittyKatMom · May 2012

I agree - go with the minimum age gap. I got pregnant the first cycle with DS and also assumed it would happen that easily the second time. We started TTC #2 when he was 18 months old. I got pregnant on cycle 3 and they would have been 2.5 years apart (perfect), but then I had a miscarriage. Now we are back to trying and at minimum, they will be 3 years apart if it happens quickly. Unfortunately, you never know what the future holds, so give yourself extra time if possible.

Smurphette · May 2012

I have a newborn, a 4y/o and a 6y/o and it's not too bad. The biggest challenge for me is that my oldest is in afternoon kindergarten and my middle son does morning preschool, so I feel like I'm shuttling people back and forth all morning and rushing to make sure we do lunch before kindergarten. Other than that, I'm really enjoying the gap that we have. My older sons are a huge help with the baby (they get things for me and the oldest will hold him for me when I need to get something done (he actually rocked the baby to sleep earlier today

). Part of me feels like we should have a fourth to give DS3 a buddy since my oldest two are so close, but we'll see.

KateLouise · May 2012

Thanks for all the input ladies. I think it's the issue of fertility that makes me swing back and forth the most.

I realise that risks go up and fertility goes down, and for that reason I start to think well who even says a 3rd is even possible. PLenty of people experience secondary infertility. We could experience a miscarriage etc etc etc. We could end up with a family of two children, which of course is still a blessing.

In that scenario however, I think well then I would want to spend two years at home now with my girls. I adore being at home with them. I Have little interest in working while I have the option to spend my days with them, and truly believe I am a better learning option for them than the daycare (although this could reflect the quality of the daycare DD1 was in last year).

Once I go back to work then my chance of being at home is gone because I have a fabulous job that I'd be very reluctant to quit.

But of course you are all right in that if a 3rd and maybe even a 4th is important to us/me then the reality is that my clock is ticking.

outnumbered · May 2012

KateLouise:
tokenhoser:

Having said that we got pregnant the first month trying with both of our daughters, so it's easy to assume it will be that easy in the future, although obviously I know that may well not be the case.

We got pregnant on the first month with #1 and #2. It took us 1.5 years to get pregnant with #3 and it was due to fertility issues that arose between children. I was almost 36 when our third was born.

Our children were born in '05, '06, and '09. I had three under 5 at home. It was hard, but I have always found the newborn stage hard. It is hard to predict what is ideal since so much hinges on the newborn's personality. My youngest is laid back. He naps anywhere and is almost always happy. I like the age gap we have. I like that for 2 years they will all be in the same elementary school. Good luck with your decision.

desdemona39 · May 2012

sweetpea2003:
At age 34 I would be working with minimum age gaps. Fertility decreases, pregnancies get harder, the chances of genetic issues rises. And it happens FAST. Especially if you are talking about wanting two more babies and needing to work 12 months between maternity leaves.

ITA. I have nothing else to add, except that I am jealous you get so much maternity leave. I was only able to take off 3 months, unpaid.

Jena503 · May 2012

Mine are 2.5 years apart. The next will be 3 years apart.

Fertility is a funny thing. You sound very pessimistic about it and it doesn't sound like there's a reason you should be. I was 33 when my first was born. I'll be 38 next month. My first 2 were conceived with injected fertility meds and IUI. 3rd one... an "oops" after 8 years of not preventing.

KateLouise · May 2012

Jena503:
Mine are 2.5 years apart. The next will be 3 years apart.

Fertility is a funny thing. You sound very pessimistic about it and it doesn't sound like there's a reason you should be. I was 33 when my first was born. I'll be 38 next month. My first 2 were conceived with injected fertility meds and IUI. 3rd one... an "oops" after 8 years of not preventing.

It's not that I'm pessimistic, and ecxpect the worst, it's that I don't want to expect the best and be all "lalala I can have a baby when I want" only to be completely disappointed if that doesn't pan out.

The reality is that I'm at an age where fertility is not a given.

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