- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Natural Birth
mstroud23
member
Vent: The Double Standard
mstroud23
member
Okay, I run into more and more women who are choosing to have a pain free/natural birth and most of them keep this to themselves until they know whether or not the people they are talking to are going to be negative about it. WTF!? I'm not blaming them by any means, I think that this is the double standard.
I'm so sick of hearing how if a woman wants to get an epi she has to listen to her 1-2 friends/family members that are pro natural birth and what a burden for that mom to have to listen to it. I wish those people would take a ride in the life of a pro natural birth woman and how much ridicule and negativity she has to deal with on a semi daily basis if she shares her plans-or the secrecy she has to live with to keep the ridicule and negativity at bay.
Why should we have to hide our plans to let our bodies do what they are designed to do? We shouldn't. We also shouldn't be ridiculed or have to deal with other people's negativity. Over the weekend DH and I wrote out a birth plan in case we have to transfer to a hospital. This is an "in case of emergency break glass" kind of thing. A list of things we have already agreed on so that in the event I am unable to speak up, he can and our MWs know how we want to proceed in a hospital setting. While talking with my boss about this (who generally supports our plans) her BF makes asinine little comments about it. I seriously almost lost on him. He is the father of 4 kids (all delivered by c/s) and thinks I am being reckless.
Why should any of us that choose a natural child birth have to put up with this crap!? Okay, this was probably pointless, but I had to vent because it's really been bugging me lately.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent: The Double Standard
AMEN! I am with the previous poster. I don't care WHAT decisions a woman makes regarding her labor and delivery as long as she has educated herself on the pros and cons and chosen something that she feels is right for her. I do believe that women should spend more time deciding how they want to bring their child into the world than deciding which car to buy.
That being said, I have also chosen a natural birth and am completely sick of the asinine comments. I am one of these people who quit talking about it because I don't want the negativity. But you've made me realize that you are absolutely right. Why should I have to hide my choice just because others do not understand it? I do not belittle anyone else for their decision and deserve the same courtesy!
Once you enter the realm of motherhood the judgements never end! I know I am being judged for still BFing (although I don't advertise it, so probably less than if I was more open about it), & CDing. The other day I had a women stop my daughter from picking up a leaf THREE times! She kept saying, 'no, no, that's dirty" I was standing right there and obviously unconcerned, I'm sure she was thinking why does she let her daughter play with something dirty!
I know it's frustrating, but you got to find a way to just let it roll off your shoulders, because this is only the beginning!
I feel that all women are judged. This just becomes way worse once we get pregnant and, I don't know for sure yet, and become mothers.
I feel men are not judged or criticized as closely as we are, no matter the issue.
Also, ditto pp that we should spend more time educating ourselves on how to bring our babies into this world than buying a car.
So many things are messed up here - like because I have a big belly now, all of my life decisions are up for debate? My mom's family actually had a freaking discussion about WHAT TO DO when I got pregnant (accidentally). Grrrrr.
I agree with this. Why can't we support women in making their own choices? One type of birth doesn't make you a better woman, mother or human being. You will not parent better because you had/didn't have pain meds.
9 angels in heaven-3 in my arms and 1 in the NICU
Mono/di twin girls: Josephine born to heaven and Evangeline born Earthside at 25w
This is an GREAT point! It's like the big deal people put into planning their weddings, but what focus do they bring to the relationship.
One point my Doula made the other day to me was that women use their last birth experience as their points of reference. To keep that in mind when you talk to them. Case in point, when I told my older sister about my plans for the birth, she went right into her episiotomy and how I can "look forward to that". Her last vaginal birth was in 1990.
She's also a bit of a jerk too.
I know.. but especially in the US, so many women think that you are stupid for not having "the best"/"the latest" in medical advancement present at your delivery; that midwives are like witches in scrubs; and these ideas were propagated by hospital propaganda decades ago.
My FIL doesn't like that there is no continuous fetal monitoring regardless, because my husband's heart rate had dropped to the point that my FIL, who was paying close attention to the monitor, alerted the nurse, who got the doctor, who intervened. We almost had a more heated discussion about it, but my 34-week pregnant SIL was present, and out of respect for her birth plan and mental well-being, I shut up.
My dad remembers how the doctors told my mother and him that I was "going to die" if they didn't do a c-section.
So, there is some fear in my family over my birth plan, but they are not pushing me to change my mind. I guess that's as supportive as they can be. They know the hospital is across the street. My mother, my husband and my best friend are probably going to be the ones who I confide in because of this "double standard".
When I was pregnant and people asked about my plan. I said I wasn't sure but I would go along for the ride and deal with what came up when it did. I didn't volunteer any information about my plan. I was firm in my mind about having a low intervention birth but not married to it if things went sideways.
The only person you really need on your side, is the person by your side in the delivery room.
Otherwise OP, yeah it sucks.
NorCalMOMS bio* NorCalBOTB* babywearingBIO
Harmony Doula
These are very condescending things to say. In a post about how people don't respect NB choices, you two are just showing the same disrespectful attitude to other moms. And then we wonder why people get defensive when NB comes up.
I've only started to dive into the literature and research about natural birth, but I do know it is what my husband and I want. I am so lucky to have so many nurturing and supportive women in my life. That being said, when I have broached this topic outside of my circle of friends, particularly with women at work, I am told I am crazy and "ask for the drugs" or "a c-section is the way to go. So easy." I scratch my head about that last one because I want to know when a major surgery got so "easy"!! It's tough, but I have to remind myself that their choices were right for them and mine will be right for me and my husband. So I just smile and nod.
I'm curious why you think this is a condescending remark? I specifcially said that I do not judge any mother for any delivery decision that she makes, be it unmedication/medicated/c-section as long as she herself is educated on that choice and understands both the pros and cons. My only point is that women should actually put some thought into the process and make a personal decision about what is the best for them, rather than going in blind. I did NOT say that they should only choose natural.
It'd be great if they did, but what does it matter to you if they don't?
Your statements are blaming women - if they don't do enough "research", and they don't have an ideal birth, it's their fault.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
You must be new here
All joking aside, this gets brought up periodically on the NB board. Many women choose to follow their physician's advice because they trust them and feel that listening to that advice will bring their LO into this world safely. They don't feel the need to do independent research outside because they have hired the expert. The real tragedy in the entire situation is the fact that not all providers practice good medicine.
Also, I hate these posts that are all woe-is-me regarding who says what about birth. Do you know why? Because you will continue to get unsolicited advice when you become a parent. Ignore the haters and do what makes you happy. As long as the people you are going to be relying are on the same page as you, what does it matter what everyone else thinks?
I understand what you're saying. It does not necessarily matter to me what anyone else thinks about my birth plan, meaning, I am not going to change my mind because of what anyone else says. However, especially as a FTM, it is extremely frustrating to be told you can't do something that you firmly believe that you can do.
Well said. This board has been lousy with smug natural birthers recently.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Exactly. It is condescending because the underlying message is that you are better than these women because you read Ina May and watch BoBB or whatever; that they are shallow or ignorant or don't care enough about their baby because they chose to take a different approach to medical care than you did. We get posts like this on here every week and frankly I am sick of them. Not everyone has the desire or even means to do tons of research (and that is leaving out the discussion about what actually constitutes research) and they don't deserve to be judged, or to end up with a difficult birth, etc. And for the love of god people, who cares if your coworkers or BFF from high school thinks natural birth is crazy? Stop taking it so personally. It's your damn vagina, do whatever you want with it.
It is not just this thread. But you don't think it is insulting to compare people who don't "research" their births to women who care more about their wedding than their relationship with their husband? Is it really comparable to say that medical decisions are like buying a car? OBs go to school for years to learn what they are doing. They are not like car salesmen at all. It is perfectly reasonable that some people choose to trust their doctors. It is precisely because our health care system is so screwed up that I am tired of NB advocates bemoaning other women's choices. Maybe I jumped the gun but at least it gives us something to talk about.
We're just crotchety! Hee hee, just kidding (sort of).
But seriously, there's only so much an individual woman can control for - implying that if only all women did "research", they'd avoid traumatic births, c-sections, or unnecessary interventions is ignoring the fact that the system currently in place actually has much more to do with how we birth than our individual choices.
It's in imperfect analogy, but it's like blaming someone for getting mugged because they didn't look up the crime stats of the neighborhood they were walking through beforehand.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
This would actually be a much better analogy for arguing against the actions of women like me (hah) who spent more time researching their natural birth than they spent learning about infant care. I knocked birth out of the park. Knowing what to do with the baby I birthed was a different story.
It also ignores the fact that labor and delivery is an incredibly vulnerable and in-the-moment experience. I knew lots of facts - they didn't matter much when it came down to it. What was I going to do? Quote studies off the top of my head to challenge my midwife's medically trained opinion between contractions? I couldn't remember my own name in the heat of labor let alone statistics about Cytotec.
LOL I thought the same thing. Except my first delivery was a c/s.
Exactly. X 1000.
Since I've created such a stir, I figured I should probably come back and respond to your responses.
First of all, I just want to say that I think you are injecting other people's opinions into my statements. If you go back to my post, I didn't say anything about reading books or watching movies. I absolutely respect the fact that for some individuals, consulting with a trusted doctor is all the research that they need. My suggestion was simply to state that women should know the pros and cons of the birth plan that they choose, because as we all can surely agree, each has its own advantages and disadvantages. I just meant that I think it's good for women to understand those before its time to deliver.
Also, I never said anything about blaming women for issues that come up in labor or if their labor doesn't match up with their birth plan. I am sorry if that is what you thought I was implying because I certainly wasn't. I completely understand that often things are way out of our hands as mothers. We can only do so much.
And finally, to the pp who asked "why do you care?" the answer is simple. I don't. It doesn't matter to me one bit what another woman chooses to do in her birth. I guess I probably could've phrased my post a little better. To rephrase: my advice to a ftm would be to learn the advantages and disadvantages of the birth plan she chooses. Whether or not she does is completely her choice and has no affect on me.
I hope that clears up some of the questions that were raised. I was in no way trying to be smug or implying that I was better than anyone else.