Worried about sibling spacing

erinms · May 2012

DS will be three next week, and I am still not pregnant. We were hoping for a spacing of 3 to 3 and a half years or so between kids, but we started much earlier because we knew it can always take a little while. Well, here we are a year later and no luck.

So, now I keep worrying about how far apart our kids will be. At this point we have no hope of much less than 4 years apart, and it could be much farther than that.

Anyone have any words of encouragement about good sibling relationships with kids 4+ years apart? Not really looking for any bad stories at this point, if you know what I mean.

And also, this sucks. I am sick of not being pregnant, sick of sticking progesterone up my hoo-hah, sick of being bloated and depressed and sad. Vent over, I know I am preaching to the choir. TIA for any stories, advice.

LSzwaya · May 2012

My brother and I are 18 months apart and can not stand eachother. I mean even as little kids we never got along. My sister and I are 7.5 years apart and attached at the hip. I think no matter the age difference, you children will have different personalities and thats what makes them get along, not necessarily their age.

LSzwaya · May 2012

Also meant to add, the same is true for my best friend. Her younger sister is 18 months younger and they are not close at all. Her older sister is 6 years older and they have a much closer and stronger bond. I thought a same sex comparison would also be reassuring.

cooperme2871 · May 2012

I just wanted to give you hugs. I am worried about the same thing, but I know that them being close in age does not guarantee they will have a good relationship.

mamak0328 · May 2012

I also worry about the same thing. We waited until DD was 6 to start trying because we thought it would be "easy". Now two years later we are facing an almost 9 year age difference if we can get pregnant over the summer.

My sister and I are 5 years apart and get along just fine. We go shopping, get together for lunch, etc. I like that she is a few years younger and we are not so close in age.

My DH and BIL are 5 years apart and according to my MIL as kids they were close. When DH was in high school/college they didn't spend too much time together but now they are close again.

It is tough but there is no guarantee they would be close with a 3 yr difference either.

amyfelice · May 2012

I have a couple of friends that have a four year old and just had a new baby. Both kids are doing really well with the new baby, and it seems like it may even be better to wait until DC is four to add in a sibling. Younger kids just feel displaced as the baby sometimes.

erinms · May 2012

Thanks everyone. I keep trying to remember the good things about a little bit more space between siblings, and to just enjoy the one-on-one time I have with DS. I know I would regret not appreciating this time with him, so that is my focus lately.

I am hoping having them a little farther apart will let them be their own people & maybe feel less competitive with each other, but still be able to play together and have each other for support when they get older.

LSzwaya · May 2012

erinms:
I am hoping having them a little farther apart will let them be their own people & maybe feel less competitive with each other, but still be able to play together and have each other for support when they get older.

I think the competitive part is SO true. I just keep telling myself, if we get pregnant and get a take home baby, DS will be able to be so involved because he will be older and more interested. He will also be more independent which will hopefully make the transition easier for everyone else. One mom said to me and I keep trying to repeat it to myself, with too short of an age gap, you're pushing one child out of your lap before they're ready and putting another one in it. When there is a bigger age gap that doesn't happen. Like a PP said, being close in age is no guarantee that they will be close in their relationship. This is out of our control.

followthesun · May 2012

My two are four years apart and they fight like any other siblings do, but love each other madly. DS turned four a month before DD was born, so both of them got to fully enjoy being the only baby in the house at the time, and it was much easier to care for a newborn with a preschooler in the house versus a very young toddler.

We are TTC #3 currently, and our youngest is now 9. We planned to start trying when she was three, but DH is in the military, has been gone constantly, and life just got in the way. But my 9-year old DD is thrilled with the idea of having a baby sibling, so I have high hopes the adjustment won't be too difficult if we are successful. My 13-year old DS is less interested, but that's a boy for you.

byrne15 · May 2012

I don't have any stories....but ds and this baby will be 4 years and 7 months apart from each other.

I feel like the spacing will work out great. This baby is due the end of August and ds will start half day pre-k in he beginning of Sep. That way, baby and I will be alone in the mornings and ds will be having fun at school.

Plus, ds is excited about the baby and really wants to help out. I don't know how much of a help he will be, but I amhappy that he talks about wanting to help out. Since ds is four, he is fairly independent as well. He gets in his carseat, shoes on, etc., so it will be easier to deal with the baby.

Good luck!

wklj875 · May 2012

i understand your worry. My siblings and i are 5 and 7 years apart. I was never close to my older brother(5 years) once he hit high school and we still aren't too close. My younger brother (7 years) and i are close and talk to each other constantly even though we are across the country form each other.

My three kids are all 5 years apart, when one was about to head to Kindergarten I would have another. It was nice to be able to have each child have one on one time with me, i could breastfeed in quiet and the baby could nap with out another kids screaming and running though the house. Also each of my five year old's were big enough to help with the baby, My oldest son changed his sisters diapers at 5 years of age and when the third came he still is the one who changes the diapers( my middle child doesn't like to do it). My son wants to have kids when he grows up( he says he wants 10 of them!) but my daughter doesn't want any kids,( or to ever get married!) so they are very different. But so far everyone get along great and we haven't had any problems except for regular sibling stuff, i.e. he chased me, she didn't knock, etc.

I did want to have children close together but PCOS decided i wanted them 5 years apart instead.

Ellie 08 · May 2012

Thank you so much for the post. I think about the spacing everyday, since I always wanted to my children to be 2 years apart, and now we're looking at 3 - 3 1/2 years at a minimum. Trying to make myself feel better by coming up with reasons why the extra time may work to our advantage (especially financially), so this post was super helpful. I just have to accept that certain things are out I'd my control.

cmosley26 · May 2012

I completely understand!! MY DD is 10 and will be atleast 11 by the time i have another...although she wants this just as bad as I do! It's just a lot harder when you have to explain 2 mc in the last 5 months to a child that is old enough to understand

Don't stress it though....all our babies will be just fine

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