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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
ABColeslaw
member
Angel Baby Elisabeth Adelle April 2008
I don't know how to help my friend (this is long)
ABColeslaw
member
One of my closest friends is my college roommate. We lived together all
four years and were very close. Anyway, she dated a boy from Pakistan
before he had to go back to Pakistan after Sept 11th and couldn't stay
here on a student visa. She was devastated. I listened to her cry
herself to sleep for three years. They talked on the computer every
night and had international cell phones. He seemed like such a nice guy.
Anway, she lasted a year after we graduated. He kept trying to get here on a work visa. Finally she called me one morning and said "I'm at Logan, my plane doesn't leave for 4 hours can you come sit with me?" I was like Huh? Where are you going? (She is from Northern Maine, so its not like she is in town all the time) So I called out of work and ran to Logan and she was so upset that they actually let me through the gates and allowed me to sit with her.
So long story short, she got on a plane and moved to Pakistan to be with him. They got married about 5 months later in Pakistan. It took them another two years and quite a legal battle to get back here. Anyway, when they moved back here, they moved in with her parents in Maine to save money. Lets face it, not the friendliest easy place to settle in for him. So he got a job in New York and left her at her parents so she didn't have to leave her job. He took the train home every weekend and stayed with them there.
My friend got pregnant by accident about 7 months after I got pregnant. They didn't have enough money saved, they weren't living together full time, and he refused to put any of his money into savings or pay for bills because he was sending it all home to his mother who he said needed it more than my friend. Anyway, once she was pregnant she told him that they needed to make a new plan, the family had to be together. He told her "no we can't afford to live in NY on your salary, she said but combined we can. (He stays with his friend while working during the week) He told her "No, its my money I will continue to send it to my mother" She said "But things have changed, you need to help me support the baby" He said "YOu have you parents you don't need it, women have babies all the time its no big deal" Things started to sour between them after that.
Anyway, Phill and I drove to Maine for her baby shower and wittnessed a very strained relationship. At one point I asked her if she picked a name and she said she really loves "Noah". He got really angry and left the room. I asked her what I said wrong and she told me that it was because he wanted the baby's name to be Muhammed and she said that she wanted to use it as a middle name but not his first. He would be staying with her in Maine and she didn't want him to be stigmatized. She offered him a million other names, I even told her she could take Asher since his brother's name was Ashok. No dice. He told her he would name the baby, she got no choice.
Anyway, she had the baby and when they put him on her belly she said "Hello there Noah" and her husband screamed at her. "You're dead to me, you have done something so awful that I'm done with you" He was so awful to her that the hospital staff made him leave the hospital and he wasn't allowed back in until the day they went home.
Since then things have really gone down hill. He never comes home now. We saw him at Noah's first birthday and he bitched to Phill the entire time about my friend, Phill had to tell him off. He was so angry. My friend is at the point where she wants a divorce. She brought it up to him a couple weeks ago and he said to her "I will make you so sorry, you will never see my son ever again" She told him that they could arrange a fair custody agreement. He told her that he would take Noah to Pakistan and she'd never see him again.
When she consulted with a lawyer, she was told he would probably get him every other weekend. My friend explained that he threatened to take the baby out of the country and that she needed it to be supervised. And the lawyer told her that no judge would agree to that since there is no way to know if he would act on it.
So she brought up divorce again, and he told her very clearly, "I will board a plane and take him from you, he'll never know you" Once he is in Pakistan there is no way to get him back, because Noah would be considered a citizen of Pakistan and over there, the rights favor the father.
She is so scared, but she told me she won't risk losing her son, so she will stay married. But now she fears all the time that he'll just snatch him. I don't know how to help her and it makes me sad.
Anway, she lasted a year after we graduated. He kept trying to get here on a work visa. Finally she called me one morning and said "I'm at Logan, my plane doesn't leave for 4 hours can you come sit with me?" I was like Huh? Where are you going? (She is from Northern Maine, so its not like she is in town all the time) So I called out of work and ran to Logan and she was so upset that they actually let me through the gates and allowed me to sit with her.
So long story short, she got on a plane and moved to Pakistan to be with him. They got married about 5 months later in Pakistan. It took them another two years and quite a legal battle to get back here. Anyway, when they moved back here, they moved in with her parents in Maine to save money. Lets face it, not the friendliest easy place to settle in for him. So he got a job in New York and left her at her parents so she didn't have to leave her job. He took the train home every weekend and stayed with them there.
My friend got pregnant by accident about 7 months after I got pregnant. They didn't have enough money saved, they weren't living together full time, and he refused to put any of his money into savings or pay for bills because he was sending it all home to his mother who he said needed it more than my friend. Anyway, once she was pregnant she told him that they needed to make a new plan, the family had to be together. He told her "no we can't afford to live in NY on your salary, she said but combined we can. (He stays with his friend while working during the week) He told her "No, its my money I will continue to send it to my mother" She said "But things have changed, you need to help me support the baby" He said "YOu have you parents you don't need it, women have babies all the time its no big deal" Things started to sour between them after that.
Anyway, Phill and I drove to Maine for her baby shower and wittnessed a very strained relationship. At one point I asked her if she picked a name and she said she really loves "Noah". He got really angry and left the room. I asked her what I said wrong and she told me that it was because he wanted the baby's name to be Muhammed and she said that she wanted to use it as a middle name but not his first. He would be staying with her in Maine and she didn't want him to be stigmatized. She offered him a million other names, I even told her she could take Asher since his brother's name was Ashok. No dice. He told her he would name the baby, she got no choice.
Anyway, she had the baby and when they put him on her belly she said "Hello there Noah" and her husband screamed at her. "You're dead to me, you have done something so awful that I'm done with you" He was so awful to her that the hospital staff made him leave the hospital and he wasn't allowed back in until the day they went home.
Since then things have really gone down hill. He never comes home now. We saw him at Noah's first birthday and he bitched to Phill the entire time about my friend, Phill had to tell him off. He was so angry. My friend is at the point where she wants a divorce. She brought it up to him a couple weeks ago and he said to her "I will make you so sorry, you will never see my son ever again" She told him that they could arrange a fair custody agreement. He told her that he would take Noah to Pakistan and she'd never see him again.
When she consulted with a lawyer, she was told he would probably get him every other weekend. My friend explained that he threatened to take the baby out of the country and that she needed it to be supervised. And the lawyer told her that no judge would agree to that since there is no way to know if he would act on it.
So she brought up divorce again, and he told her very clearly, "I will board a plane and take him from you, he'll never know you" Once he is in Pakistan there is no way to get him back, because Noah would be considered a citizen of Pakistan and over there, the rights favor the father.
She is so scared, but she told me she won't risk losing her son, so she will stay married. But now she fears all the time that he'll just snatch him. I don't know how to help her and it makes me sad.
Asher Benjamin and Lola Aisling
Infertility
PCOS, Progesterone Deficiency Disorder, Multiple Miscarriage
Clomid, Metformin, Ovadril, PIO, P17 Iron/Platlet Tranfusion
My Spring Babies!
Angel Baby Elisabeth Adelle April 2008 Asher Benjamin April 2010
Lola Aisling May 2014
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I don't know how to help my friend (this is long)
Oh my word, I am so sorry for your friend
She needs to speak to a second, third, fourth, ect. lawyer and find someone who will take her husband's threats seriously and fight for her.
I wish her the best.
Isn't this grounds to obtain emergency custody? If she is afraid he will abduct the child, she needs to contact the police and get a better lawyer.
I am so sorry she is going through this. A friend I had in school was taken to Iraq by her father and spent many years there. This is very real and serious. My friend passed a few years ago, but I may be able to find her mom. I will PM you if I can find out any information.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
https://travel.state.gov/abduction/prevention/prevention_560.html
Read this. There is a section about passport alerts also.
That would be very helpful thank you! And I am very sorry about the loss of your friend!
A lot of their issues sound like a cultural one. Not saying that to us he doesn't sound like a complete douche. However, in Pakistan it's the norm for the son to take care of his family ( not jus saying the one he married into), to name the babies, ect. Those behaviors are pretty normal in their culture.
What I would look into is getting a new lawyer for one. Also, he needs to realize that his son was born on US soil with a US citizen as the mother. Which means that he would have to get a passport for his son. What I would tell your friend while she is looking for a better lawyer is to document absolutely everything. Also, start using email as the main for of communication. Much easier to use them in court. That way if there if proof that he is threatening the kidnap the child and take him overseas then the judge may do supervised or give her full custody.
Also, how old is the little boy again? In most states overnight visitation doesn't even start till 18-24 months. I would be really fighting for full custody though. Thats just me. I have full legal and physical custody of my DD. I don't think I can think of anything else. However, you may want to post this in the single parents board. They may have more experience with this situation and this state.
After I was sworn in as a notary, I picked up my state seal embosser from the office supply store. It's pretty easy to fake a notary (at least here). I agree that she needs to do the alert.
My mother was in this situation, and i would be terrified. However here in Canada not sure about the US but im sure they are alike. Under a certain age maybe 12? You cannot take a child out of the country without both parents written consent. So unless he were to smuggle the child on a boat or in a bag.(God forbid) He cannot take the child out of the country. Also have you ever watched the movie "not without my daughter" It is this situation exactly its based on real life events and these things happening all the time. Tell your friend not even to take a trip there, since now the child and wife are dual citizens (which happens with birth or marriage in whatever country you are in-they can do this) once they are they im pretty sure their US citizenship will not be valid. If the child ever goes there then she probably wont see that baby again, if he is and seems to be like that. I would though try and find another lawyer and see if she can get these threats through email (start a fight in email) so she has some sort of proof. Anyways though if this rule applys for children under 12(not sure if its 12 could be 16/18) there she shouldnt worry to much.
It makes me wonder though marrying this guy she knows nothing about his culture? Men always name the children and women have no say and are second class citizens. My father named me and i hate my name! He tried to move to egypt with my mother and us and my grandmother when i was little made my mother watch that movie ^ and she changed her mind because this happens alot. I am still a dual citizen and have never been over there. My father was raised muslim even being only half (grandfathers egyptian) and born in Germany he still felt the middle east was the best place for us, just the dangers alone are enough for not wanting to even travel to pakistan. Goodluck!
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PP have given a lot of good advice.
One thing I will add- if Noah is considered a Pakistani citizen (even if he is in the US) he could get a Pakistani passport through the Pakistan embassy (like, the father could physically go to the embassy and get one) without her knowing or signing anything. If you look at the form, it looks like traveling with one parent is enough to apply for the passport.
She needs to keep consulting lawyers and educate herself further about the culture so she knows what cards to play.
Can your friend move? Technically, if they are still married, I don't think it's kidnapping if she leaves the state. Honestly, if it was me.... I'd disappear. I know that probably sounds insane, but there's a bumpie from our age group who has a daughter she hasn't seen in years because the dad took her to another country. I know she'd do anything to see her little girl again. If he's threatening to take the child, she needs to be proactive about ensuring that little boy tays with her at all costs.
I'm so sorry that your friend is going through this. You and Phil are good friends to her. I will keep her and Noah in my thoughts.
My friend's nephew is a victim of parental kidnapping. She was in similar situation to your friend and she has not seen her son in two years and is in a HUGE legal battle to get him back to the US. Please tell her to get a lawyer immeadiatley and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let him have visitation alone. Here is my friend's nephew's story.
https://bringelihome.com/
I completely agree with this and I'm not going to be PC about it. This guy isanasshole and he should never, ever be alone with the child, EVER.
She needs a barracuda for a lawyer that will give her sole custody and bleed him dry for every dime of child support he owes.
Good luck to her. Hope the guy rots.
gosh how scary - it sounds like a lot of their issues are cultual - and that won't change
I agree that I wouldn't let him have the child alone - EVER - or he may just follow through on those threats and then the baby may be gone forever
She needs to consult a good international lawyer - asap
I just want to say that this is not true. I've travelled with my daughter many times on my own, and even though I did have my husband's written consent (because my daughter and I have different last names) no one ever asked to see it. I've done a China-Canada leg, a Canada-US leg, a Canada-Mexico leg - all on my own and no customs agent has asked to see any written consent.
Eleanor Noelle - 18/05/12 Claire Elisabeth - 16/-5/10