Discussing race with family
jackieo1309
member
When you were first talking with your agency re: what you're comfortable with in terms of race, drugs/alcohol, etc., did you talk with your families about it first? We don't plan on discussing most of our preferences but the agency recommended that we talk about race with our immediate family at least. MIL made it very clear within about 30 seconds of telling her we were adopting what she did NOT want. We haven't really spoken about adoption much since I first told her because it did not go very well (I made a post about that a couple weeks ago) but I brought it up this weekend since we had just returned from orientation with our agency. DH and I have already narrowed down the list of races we can be open to because of her initial statements. We were planning to just go over what we were going to list on our profile form and she immediately starts jumping in with "well you have to be careful with ___ race because sometimes they can look blah,blah,blah. Can you pick the baby so you know what they look like?". And no matter how many times I told her that we don't care and have already discussed this and decided what we're comfortable with, she just kept saying things like that (keep in mind that this is her OWN race we're talking about). Eventually she just says "well, it's up to you guys". OBVIOUSLY it is our decision but we would like to know that they're not going to freak out if we bring home a baby that doesn't look exactly like us.
I know this is a touchy subject but I just need some ideas on how to bring this up again and talk with them about it. I think next time DH and I will talk with IL's together but I do feel like we need to discuss this again before we submit our profile form. Sorry for the complaining!
Re: Discussing race with family
No, we did not discuss it with family. They had no idea what races/ethnicities we were open to. I'm kind of torn about your agency's urging to discuss it with them. On the one hand, it's none of their business as long as you're comfortable with it and have a plan in place to honor your child's heritage. On the other hand, especially if you'll be spending a lot of time with your families, you'll want your child to feel comfortable and accepted. But that's where some APs draw the line and cut off or limit contact with their families if they're going to make it an issue.
We ended up with a child the same race as us, who actually looks a lot like me when I was little. Go figure. DH's cousin and his wife have adopted an AA/CA baby, and we're waiting to hear if ICPC went through on #2 for them, an AA boy. Despite some deep-seated racism/bigotry in DH's extended family, no one has breathed a word of it to DH's cousin or his immediate family. Everyone's on their best behavior with them.
How does your DH feel about this? It's his mom, so does he have insight into why she's being this way? Is this a cover for her unspoken concerns about adoption in general? Etc.
Sorry you are dealing with cranky MIL!
My advice-- you two be solid in what you are open to and stop discussions altogether. I wouldn't entertain her questions or comments. I'd leave the room. She'll start to catch on.
She sounds like a handful! I think I'd limit information about race once the baby is here too... You don't want her to introduce him as my grandson that is ____.
Sorry
Thanks for the advice. At our orientation last week the SW was telling us about situations where AP's have said they're open to an AA baby, for example, and when they were matched the adoptive grandparents said they were not comfortable with that and AP's ended up having to choose between the match and their families. I think they just wanted to avoid situations like that so asked us to talk with our families ahead of time.
MIL really isn't a horrible person- she's always been like one of my best friends and we usually get along really well, which I think is what makes this even harder. DH and I both know that she doesn't say any of it to be mean but really just has no filter at all. And she's really not racist either; she grew up in NYC and works at a high school in the South Bronx- how racist can you be?! So it's hard to know why she was saying some of these things. I would really prefer to not discuss it again but DH thinks we should so it doesn't come up again later- I really do think that once they meet their grandchild though it won't matter so much.
We did not discuss anything with our families. It is our decision. The only reason I can see why your agency would advise talking to your families is so that you won't be caught off guard by their reaction after you're matched/baby comes home. Your MIL's comments can inform your decision but they should not make it.
As far as advice for talking to them about it again, I would just tell them that you are going to love your baby no matter what race or appearance he/she has and you hope they can join you in that love. If not, they can keep their comments to themselves. GL.
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
We didn't discuss it with family, although after we already did our home study where we specified what races we were open to, we did tell our families that we were very open about race. We didn't discuss it with them as a way to gain approval, but mostly so they were just informed and weren't surprised by anything when we matched. My mom expressed some disapproval, claiming that her concern was mostly about the child being accepted in our community, but I really didn't care what anyone else thought. DH and I made the decision ourselves, and what our families thought really didn't matter. I made it clear to my mom that the issue wasn't up for discussion, and that was that.
Our son is AA/CC, and my parents are both head over heels for their grandson. Just yesterday my mom mentioned that he is such a blessing, and we are so fortunate to have him in our family. I've never discussed it with my mom, but I'm certain that she would now say that we absolutely made the right decision and that this little boy was meant to be part of our family.
I honestly would have a very, very brief conversation with the in laws, saying that this is your decision, that it was a decision that you made together after giving it much thought, that the matter is not up for discussion as your decision has already been made, and that you hope they will love an accept any child that you bring home. Then I would not bring the issue up again, and if MIL tries, I'd just say that you don't feel comfortable discussing the matter any more.
Thanks for sharing more about your MIL... no filter explains a lot. She probably has lots of apprehension because she wants to protect you from getting hurt.
If she's a reasonable and loving person, she's going to fall head over heels in love with your child. I wouldn't discuss much more and just let the story unfold.
We didn't discuss it. It wasn't up for debate for our family anymore than any other decision we made in our plan to build a family or in our decisions AS parents.
Once we declared ourselves ready we sent an email to family/friends announcing we were expecting via adoption. In that email I included an adoption FAQ which included a section about race - we kept it matter of fact ( we were not specifying race and thus the odds were in favor of a child of color either African American or Multi-racial. We stated that we expected our family to treat and love our child regardless of their race as they would any other new member to our family).
I realize everyone has to find their own path and often confidence comes after and not before we become parents but I think you really need to find confidence in what you want and YOU set the tone for you family to fall in line with. If you have members who in any way become a negative factor in your chikd's life you will have to step to the plate as parents to decide if that person had the privilege of staying in your and your child's life - regardless of that chikd's race.
FYI - racists come from all walks and backgrounds. It is a bit head in sand to assume just because someone lived in NYC or worked in a diverse setting that they are not racists. I lived in NYC too lol and there is just as much racism as almost anywhere.
Exactly this- we just told them this is our plan just so they would be aware.We will not be matched with a caucasian baby and the only people I was nervous about telling that to were my 80 and 84 year old grand parents who grew up in Charleston SC with the deep south mindset that we're all embarrassed of and running away from. Surprisingly, they were the most supportive!
My parents did express some concerns about how it would effect our lives, but once we told them that we have taken classes on "conspicuous families" and diversity training and they realized that we weren't just thinking that it "wouldn't be a big deal" they were cool with it. They just wanted us to just be prepared to know how to handle the hurt feelings and heartache that I'm sure we will face down the road. Race CAN be a big deal, but if you've already thought through hurdles and problems and know a plan for handling comments and teaching your child about his culture as well as yours, then it just becomes a part of what makes your family special. (can you tell I've given this speech before?) :P
wife to joe 2.2.08. mama to noah 9.5.09.
After multiple m/c's, a MTHFR diagnosis and the Lord calling both of our hearts in the same direction, we're adopting!
theluckiest