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Pregnant after a Loss
NAY379
member
I feel like a horrible person :(
NAY379
member
I have this posted on the 1st Tri board as well and it was recommended that I may find some help on this board.
I feel absolutely horrible that I am not over the moon excited about this baby. I had a m/c on 01/05 and just found out that I am pregnant again, which was not in my plans to happen so soon for a few reasons.
I'm really trying not to be upset (and I do very occasionally have my moments of being excited) and I don't know why it's affecting me so much. I'm just feeling angry about losing my last baby and keep yearning for that baby that we planned on and were both so excited to find out we were having, just to have him/her taken away from us. I feel like I still needed time to grieve and I just wasn't ready for a new baby yet.
And then I have what I know are really irrelevant and stupid reasons, and I know I should be happy to just be having a baby. Maybe I'm just being stupid hormonal but I was really hoping for a spring/summer baby, which would be perfect since my husband is a teacher. I wanted him to be here with us during his summer break, not have to go back to work almost right away. (And as it is, he doesn't have a job lined up for the next school year yet.) I also knew I did not want a baby in the winter/around Christmas...and that is exactly what I am going to have. I'm trying to think of it being that now I'll be excited for winter since it is a season I absolutely do not like, but I just can't find a way to convince myself.
I also feel like I wasn't ready because I wanted to get my diet on track, read a lot more of my pregnancy books, and maybe start knitting the baby blanket. Trust me, I know these are stupid reasons to not want a baby right now, but all my plans seem to just be going out the window. Also, when I thought I wasn't pregnant (not sure due what was going on with me due to weird cycle), I got two fillings done and sealed our deck...and now I feel like I've already done something wrong by Novocaine and breathing in the horrible fumes from the deck sealer. I also haven't had much of an appetite lately and there were times I had forgotten to take my prenatals, but now that I know I'm making sure to get everything back on track. I will feel absolutely horrible if something is wrong with this baby because of something I did or didn't do.
I even tried going through the baby department in Target yesterday in hopes to get all excited looking at all the baby stuff like I usually do, but nothing. Not once glimpse of excitement. I wish I knew exactly why I'm feeling this way. I hate the way the feel and do not want our baby to feel like I didn't want him/her.
My husband is being great and trying to make me feel better, telling me to give it more time, but he just can't understand how I'm feeling. We were at the doctor's office for blood work, and there was a little girl there getting blood work done as well. My husband said my whole face lit up when I saw her. I thought it was just because I felt so bad for a little 2 year old to need blood drawn; but he said my face always lights up when I see kids. So I'm glad to hear that at least.
BFP #1 12/26/2011 -- EDD 09/02/2012 -- M/C 01/05/2012
BFP #2 05/01/2012 -- EDD 01/07/2013
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I feel like a horrible person :(
I think you should speak to a counselor, your OB can probably recommend one. I had an ectopic pregnancy before I had my daughter, and while I was nervous, I was totally ready for it (4 months after the EP) but every person and situation is different. Your reasons that you call "stupid" seem to be a big deal to you, maybe they are just your mind's way of not dealing with the scary realities of being pregnant again. I think it could really help you to sort this through with someone who does this type of thing a lot.
I know, for a fact, that at some point a switch will flip for you. I do know this. And I must offer congratulations to you.
While I will always wonder about the baby that would have been, I have known from the minute I held her and now watching her grow that THIS little girl is the baby I was meant to have. I won't and can't say I'm glad for what happened. But that baby would not have been my precious Zoe; she is the child meant to teach me to be a mom.
A counselor has been a life saver for me. I would highl recommend one. I think not being excited is perfectly normal at first after a loss. It took me a very long time (we are talking well into second tri) for me to feel excited and actually start trusting that this may just happen. Perhaps all of your misgivings about the little things that are not going as you planned are your mind's way of placing your anxiety/worry/ambivalence on something concrete. I am sure as time goes by you will settle in and become excited....be patient with yourself.
Losing a baby is hard. No doubt about it. We lost our baby girl at 19 wks and I think about her every single minute that I'm breathing. She's a part of our family. She will always be a part of us. It's hard to think about moving on and being excited when those feelings of loss are still so strong. I never talked to a counselor about it but sometimes I wish I would have. I think I had somewhat of a delayed response to it all. I was off work and home in my little safe bubble for almost a month and the real grieving happened and smacked me right in the face when I came back to work.
Maybe talk to a counselor about or maybe even go to a support group. I had a nurse case manager assigned when I lost the baby and she gave me a huge list of support groups and counselors and psychologists etc. And just remember that it's OK to feel whatever you're feeling. It doesn't mean that you won't love this baby. It doesn't mean that you won't ever be excited about this pregnancy.. it's just that moving on is hard and its ok to feel that way.
And don't feel stupid about the little things. I think we all have little hopes and plans that never quite pan out. I really didn't want DS to be 4 when we had another baby. I really wanted him to be 3 like he would have been if I had that baby but now he will be close to 4 and I can't do anything about it.
DS is also a December baby. December 8th.. he was due December 14th. It is what it is and you will get over all that little stuff.
You are absolutely not a horrible person. I recognise everything that you are feeling. I agree with the previous posters, a counsellor would probably help very much. It's one thing to hear from us that what you are feeling is normal, it's incredibly reassuring to hear it from a counsellor. I've been to a wonderful consellor through both of our losses and it really helped. What I regret the most is not seeing her more often, in fact.
I understand all of the details that you are disappointed about. When you are first pregnant you slate all of these important dates and details in your mind, and suddenly all of them are taken away. I think that these details that you think should be trivial but are really bothering you are another way of you grieving your lost baby. Each detail about the new baby that is different from your first just reminds you of your loss. I don't know if that's right, but that's certainly how I felt/feel. I still have all of the dates and details of my first two babies in my mind and they still make me sad to think about, even though we are expecting again.
I'd definitely recommend talking to your OB as soon as you can, and having him/her recommend a counsellor to speak to. Thoughts and prayers to you and both of your little ones.
BFP #2 05/01/2012 -- EDD 01/07/2013
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