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Blended Families
Timesharing for teenager
I don't post here very often, but I have a question for all of you. If you leave nearby to your stepchildren, what does your timesharing schedule look like if they are teenagers.
Currently, we live in the next town over from my SS. He spends the majority of time with his mom, stepdad and two siblings at his moms. He comes to our house every other weekend Thursday after school until Monday morning when we drop him off at school. He's 13. We also have him for two weeks straight weeks in the summer, as does his mother and an extra week at Christmas. We also share holidays like Mother's and Father's Day, 4th of July, Christmas, Thanskgiving, etc. He spends most holidays one year at his moms and then the next year at ours.
His mom just send my husband an email basically saying that SS is too stressed about the current schedule and that he isn't able to get his homework done because it's too much back and fourth. She is suggesting that he only come to our house on the weekends instead of during school days (Thursday and Friday) and that we change our Christmas schedule, although I'm not sure what she means by that exactly. Last year she had him for only a 5 day stretch during Christmas break which she was really upset about because she said he wasn't able to see any of his family at her house. We seem to think that since she has him the majority of the time in the summer and during the school year that Christmas break is a nice time to spend some time with him. So I am thinking that when she says she wants to revamp the Christmas schedule it means she wants him to spend more time at her house.
She also said that she thinks at some point he should be able to decide where he wants to spend his time but she doesn't think he's old enough for that yet.
When SS is at our house he's moody, yes, but it seems to be just normal teenage moodiness. He did leave his Spanish project that he needed to work on at his moms over the last weekend and I am thinking that might have prompted her email. He was pretty upset about not having it. Granted, we are always willing to pick something up from his moms that he needs but he didn't start to work on the project until Sunday night and it was too late to go anywhere then.
So, I guess I just wanted to see what everyone who has kids this age does. I realize all kids are different, but I'd like to be able to work something out with her without having to go back to court, which she says she will file for it we cannot agree.
Thanks!
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Re: Timesharing for teenager
My SS is 14, and due to my husbands work schedule, he comes to our house every other Friday-Monday. If my husband is off on vacation or something, then he will stay with us longer.
SS also has a really rough time with school, and was recently tested and the outcome is that he has a learning disability. My husband spends a lot of time helping him study when he is at our home, so the school work isn't much of an issue.
The back and forth with your SS is not a lot, if it were me, I wouldn't re-adjust the scheudle. What are his overall grades like? Has there been a decline in grades that would back up her claim that he is stressed out?
I can totally understand being 13 and having a hard time going in between houses during the school week. He's probably just learning how to be responsible on his own for school work and such and changing houses adds a new degree of difficulty.
What if you offered a compromise and came up with an organizational system to help him with his school work, no matter what house he is in? Have him save papers to google docs, so they can never be "left at the other house," arrange a study time for him to do homework so, for example, no matter which house he is at, he studies from 4:00-5:00. Sit down with him regularly and discuss what school projects, etc he has coming up.
I think if school stress is the real problem, there is a solution. And remember, he's a middle school kid. They are all terrible. ;p
Is there a CO in place? if so, and you guys decide not to agree to BM's terms you will end up back in court. I honestly cannot see a judge modifying what you currenlty have unless there is a HUGE issue with school (borderline failing/ not moving up a grade level)
I could see if the issue was friends or sports, but school is a crappy one to pull. I agree with PP. SS needs to take responsibility for his stuff, bringing his own books. saving papers to googledocs is a great idea. As well as comprimising with BM that there is a set time for doing homework.
Straight up ask BM what she wants to "ammend" with the christmas visitation and see if you guys agree to it. ask for more time in the summer if she wants to cut into your christmas time.
I think if you live in separate towns you need to do what is best for SS. To me it seems like what is best is him sticking to one house closest to his school and friends during the week. My DS is only 2 but when he gets to be school age he will spend the entire week with me and have EOW with his dad. The reason for this is because we live about an hour and 20 mins apart and I do not want my son making that drive during the week. There is no way his dad is going to be able to drive him all that way to get him to school by 8 and then go all the way back to work.
Kids need routine and stability. I agree with BM that is too much confusion and back and forth. If you lived in the same town I might think otherwise but with a significant amount of driving involved it's not fair to your SS.
I would NOT agree to letting him decide. My ex did this with his girls and he rarely saw them because their mom would always plan stuff with them every weekend so they were always too busy to see him. You need to require EOW and stick to it. Though as your SS gets older he will probably want to be with his friends more on the weekends so that could be hard with the distance involved.