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Attachment Parenting
moms of toddler/preschool boys?
Tell me your thoughts on "rough" play, weapons, and fighting. This one is hard for me to tackle sometimes and to find a balance. DS loves to play superhereos and also has DH's old Hemans and Thundercat toys, which all have weapons of sorts. We limit technology, so DS does not have a ton of exposure in that area.
It is very interesting to watch DS play. It is almost like a boy version of playing barbies. The "guys" (as he calls them) will talk to one another and do things, sometimes fighting, but sometimes helping one another. I have also read "Boys will be Boys" by Meg Meeker twice now and she gives a great perspective on boys needing to engage in this type of behavior. I also ask DS often and he says as a young boy that is what he did and his friends would play outside and imagine being in a war or something like that.
I am a social worker, so I know my vision of the world can be skewed. I see so much violence and aggression, so I worry about that piece. On the other hand I know this is normal and healthy for boys. I do feel like we are putting a healthy balance in place, so maybe this is just carryover from work spewing into motherhood for me!
So...if you have a toddler or preschool boy what are your thoughts?
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Re: moms of toddler/preschool boys?
Thanks Fred. I will check out Playful Parenting. I think I may have read it, but eeks..I get all of the books confused sometimes.
I totally agree with how society portrays boys and girls. I have worked really hard as a mom to do both "boy" and "girl" things. DS does have a few of my barbies and will occassionally play with them. I paint his toenails and involve him in baking with me. Gee..I am even being stereotypical here with the "girl" things I do with him!! My point is there is a balance and it can be very difficult to try to achieve that balance with all the messages out there. There is definitely a division of boy vs girl activities. It would be great if that wasn't out there, but it is. I guess my goal is to make sure that even if DS is exposed to all the "boy" stuff he can work past the expectation of having to be "manly." That one drives me batty! Boys and men need to be okay expressing their feelings and showing their sensitive sides. I could go on all day about that one, but will stop there!
I agree with this and it happens often in our home. DH has a different style of play with DS than I do. DH does more of the typical "boy" stuff and I do more of the balance between "boy"/"girl". Part of it is probably how we grow up as kids too. DH is one of 3 boys, so I wonder if he is even more inclined to do "boy" things, because by his own childhood he doesnt know any different. I have both a brother and sister, so I had exposure to both sides.
Good point on the hormonal differences prior to puberty. Yeah...this is why I sometimes struggle with some of these issues. I guess there is not a magic answer, uh parenting!
I have 3 boys and I think there is absolute truth to "boys will be boys." They are just different than girls. We are very careful about TV, it's very limited and almost every show DS1 (6 at the end of this month) has ever seen is toddler-friendly (Sesame Street, Disney Jr, etc.) and until this year, we didn't have any types of "weapons"... but guess what-- he still played good guy bad guy with sticks or spatulas or whatever else. Now we have 2 light sabers, 2 nerf guns (that are on the shelf and I control play) and a Captain America Shield... they all are rarely used and common place items are still the "weapons".
OMG, as I type this DS1 took his silly straw out of his cup of water and is making explosion/shooting noises as he flips it in the air.
Another "boy" thing IMO is physical contact. They just have to have their hands on others and are sort of rough and tumble. I think it is a fundamental component to the way they relate/communicate, whereas girls talk.
My DS isn't into much "boy" stuff yet, but he's fairly young still and we have not hit the super hero stage. He has a big sister and DH isn't into sports or anything "manly". So he has no concept of war and doesn't make weapons out of sticks.
But he does play more with the trains and cars than DD ever did (and we had the same trains and cars when DD was little), and he's more physically active, into climbing and such than she was at his age... but that could be because he's trying to keep up with a 4yo.
And while DD's influence can be easily seen (he loves princesses too and his nails get painted when hers are painted), I can tell you this: when we watch Tangled (the rapunzel movie), DS has ALWAYS rooted for the bad guys. The bad guys and the action are his favorite parts of any Disney movie.
So I do think there are some differences between boys and girls that are just there, and I don't think you can (or should) stop the play fighting completely.
I also think there is a world of difference between play fighting when you are imagining violence that you have never seen in real life or on screen and play fighting when you are re-enacting violence that you have witnessed in real life or on screen. And in your job I imagine that is likely the biggest difference between what you witness at work and at home.
Yep, this. My 4-yr-old boy's favorite color is pink, just made a necklace he's currently been wearing all day, and has recently gotten into "sewing" (with some of my old embroidery supplies) - but still loves to ride a bike and help DH when he works on his bike, and already thinks that farts and poop jokes are hilarious.
I think it's the biggest things about raising boys for me is letting them explore things that are considered "just for girls", and to also make sure they know it's okay to express their feelings, especially when they're sad or mad about things. DH would be shamed (when he was really young, and by his own father!) for crying when he was growing up, which is just insane...the myth of the stoic male is just dumb, IMO.
Getting back to your original question about weapons, though - we won't buy pretend weapons for them, but DS1 will still pretend something is a sword or a gun, though (the gun thing is from the Little House books, since we're reading them to him, so it's more hunting-based than shooting others-based). The only exposure he's had to weapons is from picture books, so it's pretty tame in the scheme of things.
DS2 is much more physical and "typical boy" than DS1 - he's the instigator every time they end up wrestling like puppies. It'll be interesting to see what he's interested in when he gets bigger.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Just last week my five year old turned a toaster waffle into a gun.
I don't have a toddler/preschool boy myself, but I have 3 nephews that are toddlers or older. It's near impossible to tease out whether some behaviors/preferences are nature vs. nurture. Things like boys being active are so ingrained in our culture that the difference start from birth - i.e. being more physically rough with a baby boy.
My older sister has two children, a 10y girl and 7y boy. They have tried to balance boy/girl things with both kids - giving trucks to the girl and dolls for the boy as an example. And she loves girly clothes. He loves to play war type games. BUT he also hates being dirty, with a passion, and styles his hair every day. And she couldn't care less about dirt or tangled messy hair.
I think a lot of who kids are is simply personality but our culture plays a huge role, and it's frequently a subconscious one.
That being said, I will probably limit the number and type of toy weapons DS is allowed to play with but will let him do the pretend hunting and that type of play.
Hormones control the development of sex organs in fetuses, so it's not unreasonable that they alter the brain, or how the brain uses the available hormones.
Having a son has made me give nature a bit more due, so I'd buy being more physical as a possible sex influenced trait- and playing more physically with toys or choosing more action oriented toys.
I think, though, that people aren't as careful as they should be with remembering that this doesn't mean all boys are more physical than all girls, and that some expressions of gender are so purely cultural that they couldn't be tied to sex- like liking pink.
This line of thought always makes me think of this: https://www.scarymommy.com/boys-vs-girls/
DS hasn't used anything as a weapon yet. He plays a lot with cars and trains. I'm waiting for the day that someone gives him a Nerf gun as a present. I'm sure it's only a matter of time. As long as he doesn't use his sister as target practice, I'll be okay with it.
I haven't noticed DS wanting to be more physical than DD. Both kids love roughhousing, which is usually done with DH.