Telling BM about pregnancy

CFjo2010 · May 2012

The plan is to tell the kids this weekend about our pregnancy. My husband is going to send BM an email Friday night telling her about the pregnancy (after we tell the kids), that way she has a few days to "get over it" and not take it out on K when she picks her up Sunday night. This was actually my idea, based upon my previous experience with my XH. I think bio-parents deserve a courtesy heads-up from the other parent, and shouldn't hear it from the child first that way they can help the child work through any negative feelings. MY XH did not give me this courtesy, and I had the pleasure of getting a phone call from my then-8-year old son crying hysterically demanding that I drive to TN and pick him up.

My question is, how in the world do you tell someone who is so completely bitter and in the middle of a severe downward spiral, "Hey guess what? We're super happy in our awesome life and having a baby"? I know we don't need her "blessing" or permission, this was our choice and we're really happy. We are fully aware that she's going to be less than congratulatory, and possibly downright vindictive about it. Especially when you add it to the fact that now R and K will be going to the same school in the Fall (which BM is frighteningly pissed about) and now she'll have to see me and my preggo belly everyday. But how do you "nicely" say it?

I was thinking something short sweet and to the point: "We wanted you to hear it from us first that we're having a baby. We told K today and she was {insert "happy" "excited" or hopefully not "upset"}." The end. Thoughts?

MarSamWhitney · May 2012

I would keep it short and sweet, "Just wanted you to hear it from me, jobalchak and I are expecting. We have told K today. " Regards, your DH.

I wouldnt even say K's reaction, I don't see the point. Less is more in my mind.

FriskyPanda · May 2012

Keep it short and sweet.

We thought it best to let you know that j is pregnant. We've let K know this evening.

Rhenna · May 2012

Well our BM found out on Facebook lol! We weren't ready to tell her and one of FI's cousins posted asking him if we knew the sex yet. It was interesting. With BF, I told him much earlier than we told the kids because I wanted him to have time to adjust before DS said anything to him. BF took it pretty hard and it is getting harder for him as I get bigger. I told him over email and pretty much just said, "I'm pregnant. I'm due in August and we haven't told DS yet. I'll let you know when we do tell him but I wanted to give you a heads up first so you are prepared if he comes to you with questions or comments." I think what you are planning on saying is perfectly fine.

Edit: I completely agree with the PP, less is definitely better! It's the one thing I struggle with with BF but the less I tell him or let him become involved in the less drama there is.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

MarSamWhitney:

I would keep it short and sweet, "Just wanted you to hear it from me, jobalchak and I are expecting. We have told K today. " Regards, your DH.

I wouldnt even say K's reaction, I don't see the point. Less is more in my mind.

The only reason we thought about including K's reaction is because BM has a long established history of alleging that K is "depressed and emotional" in regards to our blended family and has had her evaluated by several counselors. Keep in mind K just turned 6 in December, she's known me since she was born, and I've been with my husband for 4 years. Every counselor BM has taken K to has stated that K is perfectly well-adjusted and happy about our blended family. But I do feel that if K is upset about the baby (which I seriously doubt she will be) then we should tell BM so that BM can pretend to talk to K about it.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

Thanks ladies. I feel that short, sweet and to the point is really the best route. Plus, telling her through email means she can have whatever emotional reaction she wants, privately.

Rhenna · May 2012

jobalchak:
MarSamWhitney:

I would keep it short and sweet, "Just wanted you to hear it from me, jobalchak and I are expecting. We have told K today. " Regards, your DH.

I wouldnt even say K's reaction, I don't see the point. Less is more in my mind.

The only reason we thought about including K's reaction is because BM has a long established history of alleging that K is "depressed and emotional" in regards to our blended family and has had her evaluated by several counselors. Keep in mind K just turned 6 in December, she's known me since she was born, and I've been with my husband for 4 years. Every counselor BM has taken K to has stated that K is perfectly well-adjusted and happy about our blended family. But I do feel that if K is upset about the baby (which I seriously doubt she will be) then we should tell BM so that BM can pretend to talk to K about it.

Well for us, BF has known that I'm pregnant for a few months now. I just told DS and he will see his father for the first time after knowing about it on Friday. I'm not telling BF about DS's reaction. DS is 5 and I feel he is completely capable of letting his dad know how he feels. DS is excited and I only see negative things coming from me telling BF he's excited. He has anger issues with me and it will make it harder for him than if it were his son telling him he's excited to have a sibling.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

Rhenna:
jobalchak:
MarSamWhitney:

I would keep it short and sweet, "Just wanted you to hear it from me, jobalchak and I are expecting. We have told K today. " Regards, your DH.

I wouldnt even say K's reaction, I don't see the point. Less is more in my mind.

The only reason we thought about including K's reaction is because BM has a long established history of alleging that K is "depressed and emotional" in regards to our blended family and has had her evaluated by several counselors. Keep in mind K just turned 6 in December, she's known me since she was born, and I've been with my husband for 4 years. Every counselor BM has taken K to has stated that K is perfectly well-adjusted and happy about our blended family. But I do feel that if K is upset about the baby (which I seriously doubt she will be) then we should tell BM so that BM can pretend to talk to K about it.

Well for us, BF has known that I'm pregnant for a few months now. I just told DS and he will see his father for the first time after knowing about it on Friday. I'm not telling BF about DS's reaction. DS is 5 and I feel he is completely capable of letting his dad know how he feels. DS is excited and I only see negative things coming from me telling BF he's excited. He has anger issues with me and it will make it harder for him than if it were his son telling him he's excited to have a sibling.

You know, I didn't think of this. BM is incredibly bitter and angry towards us, I didn't think about how much angrier and volatile she might be if she knew that K is excited. Do you worry that BF might try to ruin your son's happiness and excitement?

MarSamWhitney · May 2012

I was thinking the same thing. If she is bitter, she is not going to want to hear how happy her kid is.

I see what you were saying though, about the counseling and all that stuff. This woman sounds a little wacky.

Rhenna · May 2012

jobalchak:
Rhenna:
jobalchak:
MarSamWhitney:

I would keep it short and sweet, "Just wanted you to hear it from me, jobalchak and I are expecting. We have told K today. " Regards, your DH.

I wouldnt even say K's reaction, I don't see the point. Less is more in my mind.

The only reason we thought about including K's reaction is because BM has a long established history of alleging that K is "depressed and emotional" in regards to our blended family and has had her evaluated by several counselors. Keep in mind K just turned 6 in December, she's known me since she was born, and I've been with my husband for 4 years. Every counselor BM has taken K to has stated that K is perfectly well-adjusted and happy about our blended family. But I do feel that if K is upset about the baby (which I seriously doubt she will be) then we should tell BM so that BM can pretend to talk to K about it.

Well for us, BF has known that I'm pregnant for a few months now. I just told DS and he will see his father for the first time after knowing about it on Friday. I'm not telling BF about DS's reaction. DS is 5 and I feel he is completely capable of letting his dad know how he feels. DS is excited and I only see negative things coming from me telling BF he's excited. He has anger issues with me and it will make it harder for him than if it were his son telling him he's excited to have a sibling.

You know, I didn't think of this. BM is incredibly bitter and angry towards us, I didn't think about how much angrier and volatile she might be if she knew that K is excited. Do you worry that BF might try to ruin your son's happiness and excitement?

I can see him doing that but in all honesty what can we do about it? He behaves however he wants and is a complete child (BF), there is no reasoning with him so I don't even try anymore. Everyone's life is so much calmer the less I try to make him feel better. He will never be happy and that isn't my fault though he likes to blame me. I have no control over the things BF says or does when DS is with him. I just really try to keep in mind that our home life and how loved and cared for DS is when he is with us is enough and it definitely shows through him.

bellre · May 2012

jobalchak:
Thanks ladies. I feel that short, sweet and to the point is really the best route. Plus, telling her through email means she can have whatever emotional reaction she wants, privately.

I made me the mistake of telling BM over the phone...not a good choice IMO. I left myself open to her questions. She asked if I was nervous this time (she knew about our previous loss), I said yes. She asked how far along I was, I told her. Her response? "Oh, well I lost one at 20 weeks, so...."

I do agree about going the courteous route and telling BM yourself, but I wish I would have done email/text.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

bellre:

jobalchak:
Thanks ladies. I feel that short, sweet and to the point is really the best route. Plus, telling her through email means she can have whatever emotional reaction she wants, privately.

I made me the mistake of telling BM over the phone...not a good choice IMO. I left myself open to her questions. She asked if I was nervous this time (she knew about our previous loss), I said yes. She asked how far along I was, I told her. Her response? "Oh, well I lost one at 20 weeks, so...."

I do agree about going the courteous route and telling BM yourself, but I wish I would have done email/text.

Ok first can I say how much your siggy made my frigging day?!?! I love that show, and Cam is definitely my favorite character!!

We know that BM is going to have a meltdown. She has repeatedly told me (and K) that she's more important than I am because she's the mother of my husband's child. So having that "title" taken is going to really make her come to terms that this relationship/marriage is happening. To add insult to injury, I'm due one week after K's birthday, which was totally not planned. We really feel it's best for our own comfort level as well as BM's that we tell her through email/text.

hopanka · May 2012

To minimize the impact, I would change the "we" to "I" (as in your husband is typing it - remove yourself from the email completely) and also not that you "just told K", but that "you are planning on telling her tonight". That way you are giving BM the courtesy of her knowing before the child knows (whether it's true or not - who cares - you are sending her an email, so she has no way of knowing that you actually told K before the email was sent). Knowing how upset your BM gets that you even exist, I think these two things may lessen the impact of the "bad" news to her. The less upset BM is, the less grief for K to go through when she returns to her house. I would do this for K.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

hopanka:
To minimize the impact, I would change the "we" to "I" (as in your husband is typing it - remove yourself from the email completely) and also not that you "just told K", but that "you are planning on telling her tonight". That way you are giving BM the courtesy of her knowing before the child knows (whether it's true or not - who cares - you are sending her an email, so she has no way of knowing that you actually told K before the email was sent). Knowing how upset your BM gets that you even exist, I think these two things may lessen the impact of the "bad" news to her. The less upset BM is, the less grief for K to go through when she returns to her house. I would do this for K.

Thank you for those suggestions. I think both will help make the announcement a little less upsetting for BM. I'll mention them to my husband tonight.

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