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Natural Birth
Sawyerplus1
member
FIL Strikes Again!
Sawyerplus1
member
I've mentioned before about my in-laws and their opposition to our birth choices, both present and past (except with DD, who was born in a hospital). This time we're at a free-standing birth center and they've never been more vocal about their concerns. MIL has brought it up to me once, but FIL has now brought it up to DH twice. (We dont have a great relationship or conversations with the in laws. When they want to talk to us, it's a one-sided "let me tell you what to do" type thing.
Yesterday FIL took DH out for lunch and brought it up, bringing with him a printed copy of a blog post by the 'Skeptical OB', and even apparently tearing up about it. FIL is not an emotional man.
Oh, I should specify that, while they don't approve of the use of the birth center or midwives, it's more specifically the idea of a water birth that has them the most concerned. The thing is, DS was a water birth, and it was a great experience. But when DS was 2.5, he was diagnosed with a severe speech delay (as many children, especially boys, are), and now the ILs are convinced that DS suffered oxygen deprivation due to his water birth, causing his 'delay' (FIL doesn't spend much time with DS and therefore, in my opinion, doesn't see past DSs speech delay (which is greatly improved) to see how very intelligent DS is in other ways).
Anyway, I'm so frustrated about it all! They are so stubborn and not at all likely to change their opinion (an opinion they're totally entitled to have), but I hate the idea that they think we haven't done our research about our options or that I'd put our baby at risk for my own comfort (choosing a water birth). I'm also annoyed that he keeps going to DH with his concerns and doesn't give me/us a chance to defend our choices (to be honest, me and FIL barely say hello to each other, so this annoys me but doesn't really surprise me). Part of me wants to email him some articles or research, but I'm also sure it'd be wasted on him. He already told DH that the people promoting water birth are only doing so to profit off it....
Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to deal with this? Or just leave it alone? Or links to research of any kind?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FIL Strikes Again!
If it were me, I would just leave it alone. You stated that they aren't likely to change their minds and think that any attempts to state your perspective will be wasted. In the end, it's your choice and what they think isn't going to effect your decision. I would count it as a blessing that he is going to DH with it so he can be the one left to humor him without you there to be more upset by it.
I've been dealing with this same from my MIL, though, not directly. She thinks I'm weird and crazy for the choices I've made and has told DH as much every chance she gets. He knows I'm bothered by her and keeps the remarks she makes to himself for the most part because he knows there is no point in sharing it with me. In fact, I only heard about most of the things she said after a visit with our midwife when she asked if we had any issues dealing with the response from people about our birth choices. I simply said it's not a topic I have open for discussion -- which is true, I haven't told anyone because it's a personal decision for me and I prefer to keep it that way. DH on the other hand got to vent things that I had no clue he was dealing with just by sharing his excitement with friends, family and co-workers.
MIL never came by our house until she found out I was pregnant and since then has been finding excuses to drop in on us. DH has been good about keeping her away from me when she does this because he knows it'll only result in each of using getting PO'd. I think by now she realizes that no I'm not "sick" or "napping" in the middle of the day when she pops in, I'm blatantly avoiding her.
As far as I'm concerned, she will not see me at all while I'm pregnant, but will be more than welcome to visit our family after all is said and done, and I'm even hesistant about that because I've seen the way she nitpicks her stepdaughter's parenting style.
My way of dealing with this might be a little extreme, but it's what works best for me. Mostly because I'm aware that any attempts at a rational discussion with this woman will be futile.
They sound coo-coo bananas and ill-informed on so many levels, it's hard to know where to start. I guess if it were me, I'd just ban them from discussing the subject anymore...they've said their piece, it's not their call, change of topic.
"water births" for profit? um...who's making the billions here? vinyl pool companies? The water utilities?
In or out of the water, babies don't take their first breath instantaneously on coming out...a breathful of water would be pretty obvious...how would "oxygen deprivation" even be a possibility? Do they think they are breathing air in the womb and down the birth canal?!?!
My SIL had her children at home, HOURS away from any medical care...now that I might worry about. Trained medical staff at a birth center...all good!
Water birth might make you more comfortable, but it in no way is putting your comfort before your baby's. If that were the case, you'd be at a hospital, getting morphine injections and an epidural.
They just need to trust you and your H's informed decision. I don't see any amount of arguing or links that will change their minds. I would tell them that the topic is no longer up for discussion. They will forget all about it once the baby is here and healthy! They can be concerned, but it's not their choice.
"Thank you for your concern. We have done our research and this choice is what's best for our family. The topic is no longer up for discussion. How about those *insert name of local sports team here*?"
Lather, rinse repeat, adding "if you choose to bring this up again, I will choose to end the conversation by walking away/hanging up/whatever" if necessary.
Oh i know, I totally see the irony of that statement.
And that's just the thing, the ILs don't trust DH and I to make the right decision on ANY issue in our lives. This is a very common underlying theme with them. It's incredibly frustrating and disrespectful, so this issue is just another one on the heap...
Haha, it's funny b/c FIL is an ex-paramedic and MIL is a nurse, so they really think they're the experts on the issues...
Yes, I know that's what we need to do. That's what I tried to do with MIL when she first brought it up. I said very firmly that unless something unforeseen occurs to make this a high risk pregnancy, this baby WILL be delivered under the care of MWs at the birth center. End of discussion. Which is perhaps why they havent brought it up with me since then. And as much as I'd love for DH to say something along those lines, I'm not sure he would; his relationship with his parents is a little difficult,and their communication is terrible
i would just tell them that its NOT up for discussion, this is your choice
I was very interested in water birth by my doc is not and the local birth center wont do it. they have whirl pools for laboring but no water birth tubs. her reasoning is that there have been infant deaths due to drowing because the placenta detatched before the baby came out. I wasnt completely attached to having a water birth , it just seemed to interesting, so I let it go. my biggest concern is the freedom to move about during labor and delivery. but it may be worth looking into.
good luck with everything! this is an experience for you and your husband, not the inlaws. I would put your foot down now and set some boundaries.