Do we make our kids this way?
joyfullyfound
member
Ok, to sum up what I'm about to ask - Are some babies actually born "high needs" or do we condition them to be that way?
I'm a FTM and just trying to survive having a young baby. It seems to me that even from day 1 in the hospital she hated being put down. She'd just scream. We never succeeded at getting her to fall asleep anywhere but at the breast or in the Ergo. I didn't plan on co-sleeping, but that's what we've ended up doing because there's no other option (I do enjoy it though haha). So, she's by definition a high needs baby - difficult to get to sleep, short naps, eats often, hates her car seat, doesn't like anyone else holding her, etc, etc. No colic or anything... just a difficult baby. And I'm a laid back mom, I promise I am.
I just accepted it at first, and it doesn't really bother me... Sure, it's difficult, but I love her to death 
However, talking about what she's like, I've had SO many other moms say, "Oh yeah, that's just like what my first was like." And it's got me thinking... why are so many first babies like this and so few 2nd (an onwards) babies? Did I somehow condition DD to be so needy, or was she really born this way? I really honestly think it's the latter, but it just seems odd that it's so common in firstborns. Maybe it's a mixture...
Thoughts?
Re: Do we make our kids this way?
My son was a fairly high needs baby. He was a happy child and easily pleased, but always needed to be held. I couldn't lay him down in a bassinet or he'd scream. He needed to be held for naps/bed. Fast forward 2 years and we found out he has sensory processing disorder. He still craves touch quite often.
To answer your question, I think it's a combination of temperament and parenting. I also agree with the PP that at 6 weeks you can't really predict what kind of baby you'll have.
First, I think it's extremely common/normal behavior for a six week old.
Second, both of my kids were like this but *I* found it easier with #2 because I had already been down that road. When it's your first baby and they are needy (as most babies are), it can be a shock to your system as you aren't used to providing that type of care. With subsequent children, you have become used to parenting and, for me at least, even if the behavior is the same, it's easier to handle because you know what you're doing.
This is what I'm thinking. Sounds exactly like my 6 week olds. DS1 screaming daily from 4-8 unless I held him and walked. I finally learned that he was getting overtired and learned how to prevent it. With DS2, I watched his tired signals and the clock like a hawk. I just knew how to prevent things before they started. And I was used to the level of care so it did seem way easier.
I thought DS was great until my mom mentioned that he was "not an easy baby" when he was couple months old. Like you, it didn't bother me that I had to be so attentive to him - I thought that's just the way newborns were! DS became a lot easier by 6-months-old. He was on a regular nap and sleep schedule (though not STTN), stopped screaming in the car, did not need to be held all the time, etc.
Try not to have the attitude that DD is "difficult" because then you might make her that way. Keep trying to go with the flow, and things might just get a lot easier as time goes by.
I think some are born that way and some are made that way ("high needs")
Also, your baby is really young yet. MOST babies that age are pretty high needs.
My 1st one was really easy. My 2nd one was actually super fussy, wouldn't sleep, ect. He was my hard baby.
Cam 6.6.10 - Autism, Global Developmental Delay, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Communication Disorder
I think it's part nature, part nurture.
Mine were born at 37w so they were on the sleepy side. By the time they hit their due dates and woke up a bit more, they were in a solid 3-3.5h rotation for feeding. We also lived and died by the HBOTB techniques. They spent a lot of time swaddled and with white noise playing to help calm them down. We were very strict with starting good habits with sleep, and helping them learn to sleep in a crib versus on us, because, once I was alone, it would be a lot harder to do that with two at once. We also would wait a minute or two when they fussed to see if they'd settle on their own (not CIO, we didn't let them CIO until nearly 9 months old) but just kind of waited and observed before picking them up. It was just the necessity of survival mode with twins. Sometimes, someone had to cry if the other one was being changed or I couldn't get to them immediately. I think if DD had been a singleton, she would have been a "high needs" baby and I think we probably would have been able to attend to every single whimper and pick her up each time she made a noise (which was what was done with me, and I was a classic high needs baby that never slept). It was just the feeling of being on the defensive with two newborns that led us to be so structured.
I have friends with twins where the twins are not their first children, and they have all said their twins are easier than their older singletons. So I do think it is a good combination of nature and nurture.
This is pretty much my story. Although, my nephew is just 10 days older and we see him all of the time so (unfortunately) it's hard not to compare his super laid back temperament with DD's more needy/emotional temperament, so I realized from the start that babies are different. And I don't think it's a birth order thing - though I definitely admit that as a FTM, I had to learn some "tricks" along the way that may have made it easier if DD were a 2nd or 3rd baby.
In my experience, at 6-8 weeks things did get a bit better because baby sleeps a bit more consistently and is awakening more. First 6 weeks are survival mode! (Unless you have a baby like my nephew who would sleep in 4+ hour stretches at a time from day 1, hehe) Good luck and hang in there
It goes fast.
DD2: Lucia (Lucy) 07/13
Does your LO have any reflux symptoms, or silent reflux? I only ask because everything you mentioned are also reflux symptoms...eating a lot, hating the carseat, always wanting to be upright, trouble sleeping.
Anyway, my second child was much more difficult than my first. My first was an easy breezy baby, and my second was definitely not. If anyone dared to tell me that I "nurtured" that, I'd laugh in their face. My second had a lot of health issues that contributed to her neediness...reflux, food intolerances, chronic ear infections. All of those things made for a high needs baby.
I think for the most part it's the way they are born. I have a family I babysitt for. They have 3 kids. One school age boy, a 2yr old boy, and a 4mo old girl. I don't really watch the older one but I've watched the younger two since they were 6 weeks old.
The two year old boy was a very high needs baby. He needed to be held pretty much constantly or he would cry. He wasn't a good napper. Getting him to sleep was hard and he didn't sleep very long. The slightest sound in the house would wake him up. He didn't start STTN until he was over a year old.
His 4mo old sister is completely different. She is very easy going. She sleeps anywhere and thourgh anything. She is happy to have floor time. She is also fine being put in a bouncer or swing for a little while. She has been sleeping well at night pretty much since she came home.
I'm not with them at home but from what I've seen and been told the mom didn't do anything different this time. I don't do anything differently with the girl. It really just seems to be their personality.
This. And while I don't have a 2nd I can see how that would be true. Also we loved the Happiest Baby on The Block techniques and saw a lot of improvement in temperament after implementing those. Also we saw a lot of change once we figured out DS had a dairy allergy and switched to soy.