So bummed (semi TTGP related)

anitaflora · April 2012

Just found out DH started smoking again about 3 weeks ago. We both quit together in Jan 2008. He had a brief about month long relapse last year. I thought he was done with it. I'm so, so upset about it for so many reasons. I'm finding it difficult to be supportive of him when I am also so mad.

I am not going to smoke again ever I hope. I am glad I haven't relapsed myself. Quitting smoking was so extremely difficult that the main thing that makes me stay quit is that I never want to go through quitting again. I hope he can find it within himself to quit again. I hope I can find a way to support him without completely stuffing all my feelings about it inside.

Okay - done - thanks for reading.

purplepeanut6 · April 2012

sorry, that sucks!

If you are TTC, explain to him how it can affect you and the baby... Maybe that will give him the extra boost to quit again.

cdzcapok · April 2012

I am so sorry to hear that anitaflora. That is such a difficult position to be in! Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share my story with you b/c I can totally relate to your feelings/emotions.

My DH has smoked since he was 11 years old!! He tried to quit so many times over the years and has been successful for a couple brief periods. I have tried to help him in so many different ways...most of which have been unsuccessful.

The 1st thing that has helped is when I am supportive during the process and continually remind him of his goals. For instance, he has written daily/weekly goals on a calendar and rewards himself with different things at each milestone (eg, dinner or movies for the first few days, then a small purchase every week, then one larger purchase a big milestone).

The other and more important thing I have noticed is that I can't pressure him into doing it for reasons that are important to me like his (and my) health, being a non-smoker when we have kids, the cost of it all...I could go on and on. He needs to do it for him and his own reasons and be okay with the decision or else he will relapse. We have recently discussed how he felt as a non-smoker and he has admitted that he felt healthier and happier so hopefully that will motivate him to quit for good this time. His new quit date is May 10th so we shall see...

While I think it is best to be supportive of him, you can't bottle up your anger so it is good to vent now and then. If you need to vent some more or let out your anger, feel free to PM me. GL to you and your husband.

anitaflora · May 2012

Thanks so much ladies.

Cd, thank you sooo much for sharing your story about this. I would love to stay in touch about this . I love the idea of rewards at various milestones. I am doing the same thing with losing weight (10 lbs = much needed new haircut) - do I think he will like that idea.

And I know you're right about being supportive. I definitely remember what it was like to be a smoker and trying to quit and the things people said that were helpful vs. not. Most of the time the less someone said the better! But that's just me - hopefully I will find the right words without being a nag.

He wants me to go get him the patch so I am going to do that this morning. I'm glad it's only been a few weeks and that he wants to try again. Of course I am going to get it for him but I was hoping he would choose the cold turkey route. I know it will be easier for him to use the patch but I want to get pregnant ASAP due to my age (will be 39 this month).

Last part of my vent is just that - I feel so bad saying this - but really - I am about to look into all kinds of testing - some even somewhat invasive (HSG) and here he is starting to smoke again?!?! I already have the deck stacked against me because of my age and his smoking isn't helping at all!! And he has told me that he does want another baby but he's just stressed about everything. Which I completely understand but admit I am also really upset about his actions lessening our chances.

Alright - thanks again all - and thanks again, cd, I would definitely like to stay in touch and GL to your man on his quit date!!

raeyn · May 2012

anitaflora:
Thanks so much ladies.
Cd, thank you sooo much for sharing your story about this. I would love to stay in touch about this . I love the idea of rewards at various milestones. I am doing the same thing with losing weight (10 lbs = much needed new haircut) - do I think he will like that idea.
And I know you're right about being supportive. I definitely remember what it was like to be a smoker and trying to quit and the things people said that were helpful vs. not. Most of the time the less someone said the better! But that's just me - hopefully I will find the right words without being a nag.
He wants me to go get him the patch so I am going to do that this morning. I'm glad it's only been a few weeks and that he wants to try again. Of course I am going to get it for him but I was hoping he would choose the cold turkey route. I know it will be easier for him to use the patch but I want to get pregnant ASAP due to my age (will be 39 this month).
Last part of my vent is just that - I feel so bad saying this - but really - I am about to look into all kinds of testing - some even somewhat invasive (HSG) and here he is starting to smoke again?!?! I already have the deck stacked against me because of my age and his smoking isn't helping at all!! And he has told me that he does want another baby but he's just stressed about everything. Which I completely understand but admit I am also really upset about his actions lessening our chances.
Alright - thanks again all - and thanks again, cd, I would definitely like to stay in touch and GL to your man on his quit date!!

Flora, you are a better woman than I. I would be completely furious if my husband started smoking while we were TTC, and being supportive would probably be the last thing on my mind! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like CDZ has some great advice, so I really hope that it works for him this time.

rrdiva1 · May 2012

Quitting is so hard!!!! Rooting for him to quit again!

Also rooting you don't start, stay strong!!! Wink

BellaLux · May 2012

I'm sorry flora! Hoping you remain strong and supportive and DH jumps back on the bandwagon soon!

rayofsunshine99 · May 2012

Oh that so totally sucks!!! MH smokes (has since I met him) and I smoked way back then too. I quit in '07 then started again after DS was born at the end of '08, and quit again after my mom died of lung cancer (almost 3 years ago now) and haven't looked back. I definitely understand the frustration with having YH smoking, but even more so in your case where he actually DID quit, and then went back to it.

I hope he will get back on the bandwagon soon, and stay there.

Smoking is so awful.

cdzcapok · May 2012

anitaflora:
He wants me to go get him the patch so I am going to do that this morning. I'm glad it's only been a few weeks and that he wants to try again.
I am about to look into all kinds of testing - some even somewhat invasive (HSG) and here he is starting to smoke again?!?! I already have the deck stacked against me because of my age and his smoking isn't helping at all!! And he has told me that he does want another baby but he's just stressed about everything. Which I completely understand but admit I am also really upset about his actions lessening our chances.

DH has tried it all, patches, prescriptions, the e-cigarettes, and the only thing that has worked for him is cold turkey so I understand your frustration that he doesn't want to go cold turkey. But I think everybody is different and I would take it as a good sign that he already has a plan to quit, even if he wants to use the patch. You are right to be upset that he is lessening your chances, especially if you are looking into testing. I too was upset with DH b/c he started smoking again AFTER we started TTC and knew it would affect our chances

I really do feel it is important to be supportive and try to do most of your venting elsewhere, but he still needs to know how you feel. Have you discussed your feelings with him? I try not to bring up my feelings about his need to quite more than once or twice so I am not using it as a way to pressure him into quitting, but at least I know he has acknowledged my feelings.

Thanks for the well wishes about my DH! I am rooting for yours too!! Feel free to send me a PM anytime if you need to talk

anitaflora · May 2012

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the support about this.

After I had a little time to think today and a little time with one of my friends, I was able to kind of really make clear to him (and myself) how I felt about it all. And how important it was to me. I just was completely honest with him about my strong feelings about it all. I actually am not sure I could stay married to him if he decided to go back to smoking again. Which is really, really harsh and I don't know - people may totally judge me for that... but I am working really hard to create a healthy life for myself and for Simon and thought DH was on the same page with that. Anyway... I'm not going to go into all of my thoughts about it here since I've posted so much already.

But thank you again for all the feedback and support. I was able to get my feelings out on the table without sounding like a b!tch suprisingly and without getting too emotional (until the end when I started to cry at the thought of facing the possibility of seeing him go through cancer which I saw with my mom). And he listened and I think he heard me.

He also agreed to at least try to go cold turkey even though the first few days are going to be really, really hard. He doesn't have any more so tomorrow is day one.

Thanks again for letting me vent

So bummed (semi TTGP related)

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