- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Update: Dad getting custody in spite of......LONG
SD (almost 16) has always had mental/emotional issues. It's not surprisingly because her parents both had severe disturbances as teenagers (they met in a long term residential facility when the were teens). On Friday, she told her special needs teenager she was 'feeling numb, like I don't care if anything happens to me.' (her words)
She has been admitted, evaluation today, to a hospital about an hour away. We went and saw her on Saturday. She also said that her grandmother, temporary guardian, told the school 'just send her back to class, she's fine.' (Again SD's words) We asked her if she could talk to her grandmother, does the grandmother listen? She laughed and said no. Dad (my FI) later confirmed, as he has many times in the past, this was his experience as a teenager AND as an adult. We, of course, told her she could talk to us. She may be the typical teenager and not talk about her feelings but I KNOW she talks to us more then she talks to grandmother.
I, of course, said that this latest episode proved we needed to get custody back. However, FI says thes is the third time in 2.5 years she has ended up in the hospital and that she needs to go to a LT residential facility as her parents did.
Having never been in a residential facility myself (granted, I never had serious mental issues) but I have worked in them, I see this as an absolute worst case scenario.
SD also said she has been experiencing anger management problems and just was to hit everyone. FI then brought up, to me afterwards, her hitting the baby. He says that he has tried for 16 years and she is just getting worse and so she needs more care than he can provide.
My argument is that even though he was there for her, her grandmother was ALSO there, the grandmother has been telling her lately (we just found out) that FI doesn't want her, her therapist doesn't actually make her talk about anything, she says she feels she needs new mess, she needs discipline, love, a reinforcement schedule - isn't it worth trying ALL those changes BEFORE sending her to residential?
He says
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update: Dad getting custody in spite of......LONG
Dont know how to use technology......:/
Basically, his preferences for her are 1. Residential 2. Living with us 3. Grandmother (obviously last resort)
Mine, based on not thinking her issues are so serious as to need residential (but I don't know her as well so maybe I'm wrong?) are 1. Living with us 2. Residential 3. Grandmother (obviously last resort)
I think she wants to get away from grandmother but doesn't want to leave friends/HS but again, not a possibility. I hope he can win in court but since the last time he was there, the judge left the discretion of SD spending time with me up to the grandmother (because the grandmother told the judge I beat her), I don't have much hope with the court.
So in that case, residential WOULD be better than grandmother. Thanks for listening!
I have been inpatient for mental issues, and it can be helpful, but I am not sure what kind of care you mean by 'long-term residential'. How long is long? They don't really keep mental illness sufferers long-term anymore, as far as I know, unless they are really bad off (meaning schizophrenic or dangers to others). And from what I recall of your SD, you had originally categorized her 'issues' as mild (meaning, they are not what I think of when I think of the sorts of 'issues' that would lead to long-term mental institutionalization):
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60403502.aspx
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/63192268.aspx
I think given the history of family disruption here, that probably a lot of her problems stem from that, and not feeling loved and wanted (not pointing fingers, but she has been shuffled around a lot). But I should not be an armchair psychologist.
IMO your biggest thing is to get back to that hospital and sit down with the doctors and figure out what is going on. She needs an advocate in the mental health system and if the grandmother is as flaky as you describe, your FI has to be that advocate. Don't get information from the grandmother, or the school, or her- get information from the doctors. Her course of treatment should be the top priority, not custody, at this point. IMO you are in a crisis moment and need to be focusing on this crisis, not future court plans.
I have to admit that your FI's opinion towards all this is troubling. Does he still struggle with mental problems? Because in this post, and the previous posts I linked above, he seems so quick to give up on her or to pass her off to someone else. I give you big props for advocating that your home might be the best place for her. That takes a lot to step up to that plate, especially since you two have not always gotten along.
But for now, I think you guys have to get back to the hospital and have a pow-wow with those doctors, and understand right from the horse's mouth what is going on and what the plans are. Good luck.
I agree with everything you said. M opinion of her issues is why I feel she doesn't need that type of care. FI and SD's mom spent at least two years in long term residential care as teenagers. I don't want that for her.
I think the reason why he is so pro-residential care for her is because that's what HIS mom, and his ex MIL, did when he was a teen/SD's mom.
Hopefully, she opened up to the social worker today and we will hear soon.
The reason why I brought up custody is because without the hospital's recommendation that she needs residential. I'd want to get custody to avoid the grandmother.
Well I want custody before residential but FI wants residential before custody. But both of us want to keep grandmother away from her which I think is going to be really hard. It seems as if the judge has a vendatta against Dads. Or is hedging his bets on what's actually best for SD.
Thansk for getting me focused on the present!!
He has been raising her for her entire life. The two of them lived with his mother.
Where is the mom? I can't recall.
Where is SD located? I really am shocked that anyone would be able to get residential for what is being described here. Insurance companies just don't pay for it anymore. Is your FI just saying this, based on his past experience, not that this is truly a possibility? Because there have been mental health reforms over the past 30 years and things are not like they used to be. (which I think is a good thing, really)
She took off when SD was 6 months old and now lives in WA. They talk, FB etc.
In MA. I highly doubt it too. I think FI is saying if it is a possibility, it would be best but otherwise, he wants her. Which brings me back to that stupid judge. I mean, if the judge is willing to entertain the idea that I beat SD in spite of FI, SD, SD lawyer and the police report, then I don't know......
Yes, grandmother really did call the cops and tell them I beat SD. No, I didn't, SD laughed at her and we all apologized to the cops for ruining their Thanskgivng.
But, see? She really IS crazy.
Are the mom and FI talking about this crisis and how to handle? I can't stand contact with my exh, but I know if my dc was admitted into a mental hospital I would be on the phone/ conferring in person with exh pronto.
But I think the first step is to just get with those doctors and see what they are saying. That will drive all of the next steps. I would go up there tonight and stay overnight to see the doctors in the morning- that is how serious I would be taking this.
Sorry, no he is.
I was just trying to say that his not being there 24/7 for her is a new thing. He has raised for the whole time. I disagree that he isn't interested in her life.
If she's currently in a hospital, then you guys need to work with the staff there to determine appropriate after care. That may involve a longer term care facility, or it may involve a variety of out patient therapy.
My SD has been hospitalized twice and has never gone the long term route. We almost did due to her eating disorder, but we've been able to get everything under control with out patient services. Also, residential care is different from long term. We have amazing insurance and residential would not have been covered, only long term.
Lastly, it doesn't sound like the grandmother's home is a healthy environment for her to be in. Your F needs to really work with the people at the hospital. Just because his mom stuck him in a hospital 20 years ago doesn't mean it's the best choice for his daughter now. I don't know how you make him see that though. I think working with the doctors will help because they can help with putting together a manageable plan. He may just be thinking that way because the situation seems so out of control.
Good luck.
To say you are sugar-coating this is a huge understatement. It is not that he is not with her 24/7, it is that he left her for his new woman and baby. A teen with no history of mental illness and no family history would struggle with this,et alone the fact that he left her to live alone with a Grandmother that seems to have her own mental issues and obviously does not think highly of her son.
We said come with us and she said 'I think I want to stay here.'
Should we have fought harder? Yes. Did he leave her? No.
I spent several years in a residential treatment facility when I was younger (from 11-14). Many of the others who were there had substance abuse issues, histories of criminal behavior, severe mental illness etc. I had been placed there because I was having trouble coping with the suicide of a parent and another parent in prison and it lead to emotional outbursts my grandparents didn't know how to handle.
I did not find the place to be helpful. I didn't leave there any better off than I had been prior, and being thrust back into the same family environment when I finally did return home caused many of the issues to resurface because they hadn't actually been dealt with they had been glossed over for many years which ultimately prolonged any emotional healing.
Being a teenager is tough, no matter your life circumstance, it's a very delicate time. She needs to know that the people who are supposed to be there for her really are. There's nothing I can think of that is harder than feeling like everyone you know and love is out and about living their lives while you feel stuck in some sort of limbo - because long term facilities are nothing like real life. They are intensely structured which gives you little opportunity for decision making and I personally feel that they ultimately make it more difficult to learn how to function in the chaos that is the real world.
It sounds like the grandmother's home is a bad environment for SD. It also sounds like she does need a support system and a professional to talk to. If she feels comfortable with the worker she's already spoken with thats great, if they don't click help her keep trying to find another professional she really does feel like she can talk to. Look into day treatment facilities in the area. Some of them you go all day every day and school is included, others you go from after school until 7 or 8 PM, and there are probably even a few that are exclusively weekends. Perhaps that would be enough of a compromise? It would enable her to really have your support and the support of her friends (which can be a very big deal to a teenager) and she would also have professional guidance to help her sort through whatever it is that she's going through right now.
Home Birthing-Breastfeeding-Cloth Diapering-Baby Wearing-CoSleeping-Delayed/Selective Vaccination Mama to Charlie (5yrs) and Madeline (21mos)
I have to say, that in her eyes, he left her. Actually, in my eyes as well, he left her (sorry to be harsh, but if that was my child I would have told her that she was coming with me, no matter what she wanted.)
Her response to you was ambivalent, probably because she was hoping that her dad would choose her instead of his new family. But he didn't. Again, sorry to be harsh, but this is how it looks.
I admire you for standing up for this child, and am not trying to be hard on you, but if I were you I would def be questioning your FI's behavior over these past few months. He may have raised her through her younger childhood, but then he left her behind with a crazy lady and wants to put her in a home, when she does not seem to have the types of sever problems that warrant that. Doesn't that make you worried for how he may treat your new baby, when problems arise?
Sigir - I see what you are saying. I wish we could go back in time. I think he was afraid of pushing her to come because the grandmother said she would file for guardianship and I think that losing in court like that would've been too painful. But I agree we made the wrong decision.
Infinity - thanks for sharing. I've always said that SD needs structure but she needs to learn how to make her own responsible decisions which I think may not be a possibility in a residential.
He is going to the meeting tomorrow to see social worker, hopefully she can outline some sort of plan.
Thanks ladies! I will update with the meeting's result. Hopefully something actually gets accomplished as both SD and grandmother are EXPERT time wasters.