How do I decide?
bananatiff
member
I'm kind of an emotional basketcase about this... I am set to quit my job next January and stay home with DD (will be about 18 months then). Just recently I've realized, if I were to get pregnant in the next few weeks, I could instead end my job on 12 weeks paid maternity leave. Not a reason to have a baby, of course, but we can't make up our minds when we want #2. Two years apart? Three years apart? Right away? Too many pros and cons to it all.
How the heck do I wade through all the reasons for and against? I've been soul searching and go back and forth.
Background: DH is finishing his doctoral and will be extremely busy until May 2013. Then we might need to sell our house and move for his new job. If we won't have a due date before April 1st, we would hold off. He's all for whatever I decide, saying he wants more now or later.
I don't know where else to turn, I would be in the same boat as you ladies and would love your opinion. If you could do it again, or if you were in my shoes - what would you do?
ETA: 12 weeks of paid maternity leave + great, cheap insurance
Re: How do I decide?
I personally think its shady to go on paid maternity leave knowing that you won't be coming back. That being said, there is no way of knowing what spacing between kids is best. Having two kids, no matter what the spacing, is harder than having one.
If I were in your shoes, I would wait until DH is done with school and settled into a new job before adding to the family, but I do not handle stress like that very well.
First, you should read more into your company's handbook and policies. In theory, it sounds good that you could just work then quit after you received 12 weeks of your pay. What they can do is cut off those benefits effective your last day you physically worked and make you repay any money you received.
I wouldnt change the spacing of my children if I could. I love having them so close and it's worked out best for my family. With that being said, what's right for me isn't necessarily right for you.
My boss actually encouraged me to use the benefits before leaving if I could, so that is not an issue. I have worked with this company for many years and know the policies really well after having my first. That is not an issue nor is it viewed as shady. I would be using my own saved time off after the initial 6 week paid leave. I can't cash out my sick time, so this is a way for me to use the time I've saved.
The issue is more of the stress of having 2u2 and needing to move. DH will be a doctor of vet med, not a PhD, my bad on wording. The job market is great outside of the city we live in, so a move is fairly inevitable.
I guess I'm worried I'll regret not having them close together for all the reasons why you list loving having two so close together. If we have #2 and #3 close together, will #1 feel like the odd man out? Just thoughts I've considered. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Honestly I don't think there is ever the perfect time to have a child. It would be hard to move with 2 LO's but not impossible.
We always discussed having our kids close together so that is what we did.
1. How well do you deal with stress?
2. If you don't get pregnant in the next 3 months, and then the maternity leave payout is moot, would you stlll TTC? If the answer is "no" then I would probably not TTC at all. (because at that point you are family planning around payouts and that isn't a smart idea with all of the other stuff you will have going on)
My son was born in November of '10. He is 16 months younger than my DD. In January of '11 we moved so that DH could start a new job (he is Navy so we knew there was a job for him in the new location, but we still had to move, get settled, etc) and then he immediately started going out to sea to prepare for a deployment which he left for in May of 2011. He returned in December. So I did the majority of my son's first year alone, with my toddler, in a new location.
I won't sugar coat it and say it was amazing and perfect. It was HARD. I cried a lot. I spent a fortune on babysitters and wine. But we survived and now that htey are a little older (34 and 17 months) we are having a really good time. They LOVE each other and get along pretty well most of the time.
Would I do it again? ......................... Yes. But with hesitation. And I would cry and drink wine and use lots of babysitters again.
On another note, I personally didn't plan this. DD was an IVF/ICSI baby and DS was a (happy) surprise. So I never in my WILDEST imagination thought I would have a son and daughter that are this close in age. So we fell into this without much thought and honestly, when I read posts like yours, I'm glad I didn't have to start splitting hairs about 18 months apart vs. 2 years apart vs. 2.5 vs. 3.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
1. Well, it depends. I can deal with a lot of stress, but for short amounts of time. This is probably what worries me, what I can or can't handle. If I have a breaking point, I don't want to discover it in this way.
2. If we didn't conceive in the next 3 months, we'll go with our original plan to TTC early fall. The original plan was to have #2 after he graduates, we move, get settled. AKA the smarter way
So I think ya'll have really helped me. I'm just thinking I might bite off more than I can chew with 2u2 in a city with no family while trying to sell a house and move. I'm pretty disappointed, I've gotten so excited about possibly having 2 closer in age than we thought we could. But, I think unless the powers that be have other plans, I'll keep taking that stupid little pill for a few more months...
sigh
So, we have had a ton of stress in the last 3 years. We have been dealing with financial issues as well. I can honestly say that I would do it all over again with the exact same timing even knowing how things would pan out. I'm a firm believer in there is never a right time. If we had waited until the "perfect" time to have kids we probably wouldn't have them.
I say do what feels right for your family. As long as you can provide for your children, there is a roof over their heads, food on their plates and clothes on their backs then don't worry about anything else. Were do you see yourself in 10 years... 20 years? The next 1-2 yrs may be tough but it might be worth it for your overall family picture. Sure DH and I are busy and stressed but in 3-5 years we should be out of this mess we are in and thanking God we stuck with our plan to have our kids regardless of things going on (but we can provide for our kids).