WWYD: Family edition
blindvictory
member
Bear with me, this is probably going to get a little lengthy. But I am at my wits' end with an aunt of mine, and I am at a loss as to what is the best way to proceed.
My aunt has lupus. But the problem is, she won't admit that she has lupus, nor will she seek treatment for it. She is extremely reluctant to discuss the topic at all, but I have gotten her to admit that "some of the testing came back positive for lupus, but some of it was inconclusive." (Which, in her mind, means that she's totally fine.) She has a lot of the classic markers of the disease: butterfly rash on her face, (which fades in and out in intensity; she always says it's just acne and blames it on whatever makeup she's using at the time) serious mood swings, severe photosensitivity (this woman wears sweaters in the summer because she burns so easily and badly), she had multiple miscarriages as a younger woman, and a bad flare-up years ago caused her to even lose some of her teeth. She had a partial done but the dentist who did it was a sham and did a terrible job. She refuses to have it taken care of because she doesn't have dental insurance, yet she'll spend thousands of dollars on a trip to Paris. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your health more important than your vacation?
Anyhow, I'm at the end of my rope here. She refuses flat-out to acknowledge that there is any problem at all. My fear is that she is developing renal problems or heart problems and that she'll never know it until something vital totally fails, because she will not seek treatment because, in her mind, there is no problem to begin with. (Side note, she is not the first in our family to have lupus. Her paternal grandmother had it as well. They believe there is a genetic link behind lupus, which is yet another sign that she should take this seriously, but nope.) I've tried to talk to her about it but she gets extremely defensive and makes a million and one excuses about how her health is just fine and that she trusts God to take care of her. (We're Christians. But I think it's a huge error to sit back and think, "Oh, well, God will take care of me and everything will be totes cool!" God never promised that you will have perfect health and that everything will be smooth your whole life...I think she's abusing the scriptures by saying that putting her trust in God means He'll protect her from all backlash of ignoring a very serious autoimmune disease.)
What would you do if you had a family member who behaved this way? I genuinely fear for her health if she continues to ignore her condition. She doesn't have health insurance, but in her mind that doesn't matter because there's NOT A PROBLEM ANYWAYS. I am just so frustrated and I don't know if I should keep pushing her to seek treatment or if I should just leave her to her own devices. She lives with my mom, and I've joked to mom that we need to have an intervention, but I'm starting to feel like that might genuinely be an option. She has many people who love her and don't want to see her health massively decline.
TIA, I know that's kind of a long and crazy story but maybe someone else has gone through something similar or has some wise advice.
Re: WWYD: Family edition
It seems like she is truly in denial. I do not know much about Lupus, but I would assume there are treatments, medications, etc. that could prolong her life and/or make her quality of life better while living with the disease. It really seems like it is something she needs to address, but she just doesn't want to and instead relying on the very unhealthy coping mechanism of denial. Sorry you are going through this.
Can you maybe get a group of family members together to talk to her? I guess, a sort of intervention. Or, perhaps, maybe it might even help her to talk to a counselor? What about having a pastor, church/religious leader or deacon speak with her? Perhaps is someone she holds in high-esteem had a conversation with her about acknowledging her illness and getting needed medical treatment, she might be more willing to listen.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
Is is possible to speak with a doctor, who may know how to deal with individuals who are in denial?
Baby #3 - EDD: 4/14/2017
You might try checking out social workers at a nearby hospital, etc...they can sometimes give you advice on how to talk to her (my sister is a social worker and does this sort of thing quite often).
I def feel for you my aunt had breast cancer and decided she was going to pray about it and change her diet rather than seeking medical treatment.....like you I was all for praying about it, but you need to be proactive too. Unfortunately, by the time my aunt did get help it was too late and it had spread through most of her organs.....I know it's frustrating, but do whatever you can....my Mom and I still regret not doing more with my aunt.
My dad (also without health insurance) has been in denial for probably 6-8 years about being borderline diabetic. And this year, when he had to go get glasses and that prescription was bad 2 weeks later, he realized something was wrong. So he went to a clinic and they told him there was no more borderline -- he was full-blown diabetic. Which meant he had to radically change his diet to avoid insulin (he's a trucker which means insulin-dependent = no CDL and no job).
I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to let them "learn their own lessons." I tried for a few years to get my dad to take better care of himself. I tried telling him in a round about way ("Oh, this recipe I had for *insert something healthy* was so good, do you want to try it?") or sneaking in low-sugar, low-carb recipes into family events. The problem is, he's an adult and as much as I want to, I can't control him.
(edited to fix a silly typo)
TTC Baby #2 - BFP on 12/14/11 @ 10DPO - CP confirmed 12/18/11
BFP #2 on 1/13/12
I have had a similar family situation in that someone refused to acknowledge they had a serious problem.
The most you can do is confront the person and let her know that you are really concerned because XYZ, you lover her very much and are very worried for her, and her denial has effected you by XYZ. If you choose to do so you can also offer the ultimatum that you will not stand by and watch her deteriorate, so you will end contact if she does not get the help she needs. But don't do that unless you plan on actually severing contact.
And that is it.
It sucks, believe me I know first hand. But she is an adult and as hard as it is to accept, only she can get the help she needs. You can't rope and drag her to the doctor just like you can't force medication or lifestyle changes on her. Unfortunately that is something only she can do.
If you're a Christian I guess I'd encourage you to think of this type of situation almost as evangelism. By that I mean, unless the person you're talking to has been primed by the Holy Spirit and is spiritually ready to receive what you have to say...they aren't going to register anything you say. It doesn't hurt to say it, and offer support if they'd like to address the situation, but you can't take personal responsibility for your aunt's life decisions. Whether she's in denial or not, she's making the decision to keep her head in the sand because she hasn't reached a point where she can face the truth. Like PP said, she's an adult, and as much as you want to, you can't control her.
Just keep praying she will find herself in a position where she feels safe enough and strong enough to look at reality. If she's seen other family members decline with Lupus, she's likely traumatized at the thought of how it could play out for her. Denial is a much prettier place to live. At least for awhile. It may take something completely bringing life as she knows it to a halt to make her willing to face this. Not everyone has a fighter attitude toward serious health complications. And the bottom line is, she has a right to live the way she sees fit. Even if she decides never to face Lupus or treat it in the manner you see as most profitable.
It's a tough situation. My dad has been in denial of having Lyme Disease for quite a few years now. He has/had all classic symptoms and will not get proper testing. He just had a stroke the week before Easter and there seems to be no indicator for it. I've been pretty blunt about what I think the problem is. Of course I'm not certain the stroke is related to Lyme, but he's finally disturbed enough that he's willing to pursue testing. At least this is what he says. Now to see if he follows through. That's still up to him. But you can bet I'm cheering him on and encouraging him every step of the way on that.
If you find you can't seperate yourself from feeling like you need to help her see the light, you may want to speak to someone yourself. It's something I actually needed therapy for. Also, if your aunt is Christian and has a mentor/pastor she looks up to, you may want to contact them for help if you really want to stage an intervention type scenario. Just be careful dear!
It is wonderful that you care so much (and others had great ideas), but in the end there is only so much you can do. Maybe she'd rather live her life for as long as she can without worrying about it.
A few years back, several doctors at an impressive facility were sure I had M/S. I had all the symptoms for it, but no brain lesions. I did a lot of research about it and it was really scary to think about having a debilitating autoimmune disease for the rest of my life. Made worse was that some of the things they did to fix my symptoms created other symptoms. It was a bad time in my life. I was REALLY lucky that I didn't end up having M/S and everything was eventually figured out and I'm healthier now than I've been in years, but I can still kinda see your aunt's perspective. I'm not the kind of person who can be in denial about stuff like that...but sometimes I kinda wish I were.
I'm impressed with lupus she was able to go to Paris. I don't know much about lupus specifically, except for a moving story I read several years ago, but I'm glad she is at least able to get around so well.
I do agree with pp that she needs insurance of some sort BEFORE she gets an official diagnosis. Otherwise her chances of ever getting affordable healthcare will be low to zero.
Since you said you were a Christian, my only suggestion is to keep praying about it and see if you get shown something.
I also knew someone like this...she had breast cancer and was in denial. She put off surgery and treatment for a couple of years, until it was too late - and had to go through it just to help maintain some quality of life. It was really hard to watch, but there wasn't anything I could do.
If she won't acknowledge what's going on and isn't prepared to deal with it, no one can make her. My only last suggestion is to possibly do something like an intervention. To gather the people who care about her and have everyone sit down and talk to her to see if you can get through.
Sorry you are dealing with this, these are hard issues.