How much does DH help with the kids?

Juliaarlene · April 2012

Since I became a sahm my husband has taken a back seat role in parenting. He says I have to go to work all day so it's not fair for me to have to come home and give DD a bath or do her bedtime routine. This has led to DD showing resistance to let him help with anything- and now she insists I do everything- from helping her find her toys to carrying her to more serious things like helping to go potty or change clothes. If I need DH to help I have to outline exactly what needs to be done with her.

Does your DH help out? DS is coming in3 months and I'm feeling overwhelmed!

SRK128 · April 2012

He helps so much. It is wonderful. Nights are so crazy in our house between baths,bed,testing Ellie BGL and feedings he has been great.

celiabwatson · April 2012

Our schedule is funny so that plays a huge role, but he helps about 50% when we're both home and awake. That being said... he sleeps in until 9:30 most days and then leaves for work at 1. Ideally the baby is napping 9-10:30 and they both go down again at 12. So there's a whole hour and a half when we're all awake at home together. During that hour and a half we share things pretty evenly. During the time when the baby is sleeping I encourage my husband to play with our son to give me a break. It works most days but only if I give him time to eat breakfast etc first. Then he's at work until 10 pm so there's no more helping with the kids until the next morning.

I wish he woke up earlier but I'm pleased with how much he does during the time we're all awake.

Stacyc625 · April 2012

We have this understanding:

We BOTH work 9-5 (obviously hypothetical time frame) him at the office- and me at home. During that time we are working doing our respective 'jobs' - now when he is home. I switch from 100% childcare/parenting- to co parenting at 50%... and we split all leftover household duties and kid stuff.

He is the dad- he is reponsible for half of the childcare/parenting

Jlroberts57 · April 2012

We had the same exact argument also. Eventually we had to have a sit-down, come to jesus talk about it. I basicly stated that my job is 24 hours, and that DH and I BOTH decided to have and take care of this baby. (if yours was unplanned you could say, "we decided to be in this together") I also put across that I literally had no time for anything for myself because I had no help, and it is unfair because we are both her parents.

You guys both work during the day, he just gets paid for it. And your child will show signifacant benefits from being at home with you (not that a daycare child wouldn't) Im sure you have made just as many sacrifices for your family as your DH has. Let him know exactly how you feel and what you need. my DH and I have been able to find a balance and its been much better. He usually is on entertainment duty while I relax or do housework, and then we switch off. But I also try doing as much around the house as I can during the day so that in a way we are both "working" in the daytime and sharing responsibilities at the end of the day.

The_Jen626 · April 2012

When DH is home, he does about 40-50% of the baby work. He doesn't complain at all when it's his turn for a poopy diaper or whatever. And he loves to carry DD or push the stroller. I wouldn't be happy if I was doing the majority of the work when he was home, that's not fair to you.

eaglesfan700 · April 2012

My H works very long hours. But when he is home, he is all in with the kids - bed, bath, whatever needs to be done

missymo · April 2012

That sucks. If I'm leaving or taking a nap or something I will tell my husband when she last ate/had diaper change, and he's on his own from there on out. I don't have to give him instruction on how to parent his child.

I admit that I usually initiate the bath, but he will without question if I ask him to. We don't give a bath as part of a routine - it's as needed. So I can't blame him for letting me take the lead on that. However, he is just as capable as I am when it comes to noticing she is need of nap/meal/snack/park/outside play/bedtime/etc. He definitely takes just as good of care of her as I do.

I feel for you - you should tell your DH that his behavior needs to change. Immediately.

lady_tytah · April 2012

Right now my kid is actually quite independent. She is going on 5, does the whole night time routine without our help. The real issue will be when Little Man comes and my daughter wants to revert. Then we will see how much he helps out.

More Detail: My hubs wasnt there to really help with my daughter. We werent married. He was in school full time living on campus while I worked full time 2 hrs away.

sophie206 · April 2012

My Dh understands that when he's home we should be co-parenting, but often he is so tired when he gets home that he just collapses on the couch. He'll read and interact with DD, but I end up doing a lot of the 'work stuff' with DD in the evenings. Even though I am tired, too, she still needs a bath and her bed time routine. I do all of the cooking and cleaning during the week, as well.

Of course, then on the weekends, he is usually leading in parenting duties so it gives me a break. It is hard, but I imagine as DD gets older, it will get easier, at least until we add another kiddo into the mix.

jetskreemr · April 2012

amy052006:
The_Jen626:
When DH is home, he does about 40-50% of the baby work. He doesn't complain at all when it's his turn for a poopy diaper or whatever. And he loves to carry DD or push the stroller. I wouldn't be happy if I was doing the majority of the work when he was home, that's not fair to you.
Exactly. Running a household and raising kids are grown up responsibilities we both have, regardless of what we do from 9-5. Once the rug rat is bed, we are both "off".
Stop thinking of it as help, it's not. He is a parent.

I agree with all of this. My DH works at home. When he is not working, we pretty evenly split caring for our DD and housework, etc. I would not be happy if I were stuck with all of the child are. Parenting is a full-time job! It isn't fair for him to only be "on" from 9-5 M-F while you need to be "on" 24/7. I would have a serious talk with him.

JOEBunny · April 2012

DH might see the kids for 15 to 20 minutes a day during the week, about 10 in the am, 10 in the pm, but only if he is not super busy at work and doesn't have anything in the evening. About 2X a month, he takes the kids to ice skating, which takes about 3 hours. He will take DS outside with him if he is working in the yard, but overall, he has very little responsibility for them. The first year and a half that we had two was very hard. DH is not a baby person. He just doesn't know how to comfort them or something. He is much better with DD, even now that DS is 3. Kids who can talk and logic and be well behaved are just more his speed. He is also just busy.

We knew the trade off. He works 55-60 hours a week, rather than both of us working 40 hours, for a total of 80 hours for more money than we made together when we both worked. I appreciate that and make an effort to cultivate friendships with my male friends who are SAHDs, work from home, or are retired, so they can have some man time. DS ask just yesterday if Mr. X could play with him because he didn't want to go to DD's school with me to read to her class. We had gone together to the garden center and out to lunch earlier in the day, and DS enjoys his company. We also have a male babysitter who the kids love. It isn't the same as daddy, but I do think that having strong male influences in your life is beneficial.

nekorayne · April 2012

It is a bit odd because my DH works 9-5 (or 6) some days and 12:30-10PM other days. When he works 9-5 he literally comes in and gives me a kiss and then plays with DS until dinner is on the table then we eat as a family and take a walk or go to the park as a family. DH also puts DS to bed on those days and they take a bath together. He also helps me around the house! He is awesome! On his days off we spend the day as a family and he usually chases after DS because he wants to spend all the time with DS that he can. I'll be honest, DH is so crazy about DS and they are always cuddling and playing....i love my DH.

Dochas · April 2012

Mine doesn't see it as work - maybe that's the problem for your husband? Since DH doesn't see him all day bath and bedtime is when he gets to play with and spend time with our son. And on the weekends he is all over him.

And I agree with the "help" comment. He is our son's father. He does not "help" me with him.

trizzie · April 2012

eaglesfan700:
My H works very long hours. But when he is home, he is all in with the kids - bed, bath, whatever needs to be done

This is my DH as well. He also does a lot of the cooking, does the dishes and the laundry.

kcisthebombdotcom · April 2012

Stacyc625:

We have this understanding:

We BOTH work 9-5 (obviously hypothetical time frame) him at the office- and me at home. During that time we are working doing our respective 'jobs' - now when he is home. I switch from 100% childcare/parenting- to co parenting at 50%... and we split all leftover household duties and kid stuff.

He is the dad- he is reponsible for half of the childcare/parenting

Exactly this.

It would really bother me if my DH didnt want to help with that kind of stuff. He loves doing bedtime because he's away from the kids all day and it's his bonding time.

I would definitely have a discussion about this.

babypuplove · April 2012

When he's home, we split duties pretty evenly. Now that it's getting uncomfortable for me to bend over the bath tub, he takes care of bath nights.

He just came off of a crazy year during which he was gone before they got up in the morning and only saw them a few nights a week. They really started to cling to me and not want much to do with him. It was frustrating and sad for both of us. Now that he's home a lot more, they are getting back into a routine together and love to be around him. In fact, he took the kids to his parents this morning for a visit and won't be back until tomorrow. I'm loving the peace and quiet.

IMO, you both have duties while he is at the office, so after office hours, you should share the remaining responsibilities. I would feel pretty alone and taken advantage of if my husband kicked his feet up and watched TV every evening while I wrangled the kids/cooked dinner/cleaned house. If your DH wants a better relationship with them, he needs to step up and be a dad.

12bailey18 · April 2012

As I'm sitting her bumping away with my coffee in hand he's giving DD a bottle...LOL. He does more than "help out." They are his kids too and he's just as involved, if not more, when he's home than I am. Your husband may be able to take a backseat with just one but it's a whole other ballgame with 2 in the picture. He's not really going to have much choice once the second one gets here. It's much busier and much more chaotic. Usually during the weeks, I tend to one and he tends to the other. It would not be acceptable to me if he just sat there and waited for me to tell him what to do.

MrsC17 · April 2012

I'd be really disappointed if my DH felt that playing with his child(ren) and doing bath time and such were such a burden. When my DH gets home from work he pretty much plays with DD until dinner is ready (or if we are grilling that's "his territory" so he'll go out and start the grill and play out back with DD in between checking on the food), after dinner I'll clean the table/walk the dog and he'll take DD up and do bath time, watch an episode of Curious George with her, read her a book and help tuck her in. I don't think he thinks of it necessarily as going out of his way to "help" me- I think he sees it as the time he gets to spend with his daughter during the week.

joyfullyfound · April 2012

My DH is amazing... I really can't complain. However, he is still on paternity leave, so who knows how things will change when he's back at work. Still... when I was pregnant, he couldn't have been better, so I think I've got it pretty good

jw87 · April 2012

Since DH works second, he also has this mentality. Sometimes I let DS stay up late to see him before bed. And I get that he's tired, and about 50% of the time he will help get DS ready for bed even if it doesn't thrill him. In his mind DS should be in bed by the time he gets home. I do all baths because DH is normally not home at this time period. So he usually does one bath a week on his two days off.

DS does show favoritism towards me, and it's a result of all that.

But since, DH works second... we can somewhat sleep in in the mornings. Every other day he lets me sleep in a bit which is nice and helpful.

I should probably get a better sleep schedule for DS... :S

ThePolishHammer · April 2012

KC_13:
Stacyc625:

We have this understanding:

We BOTH work 9-5 (obviously hypothetical time frame) him at the office- and me at home. During that time we are working doing our respective 'jobs' - now when he is home. I switch from 100% childcare/parenting- to co parenting at 50%... and we split all leftover household duties and kid stuff.

He is the dad- he is reponsible for half of the childcare/parenting

Exactly this.

It would really bother me if my DH didnt want to help with that kind of stuff. He loves doing bedtime because he's away from the kids all day and it's his bonding time.

I would definitely have a discussion about this.

I also agree with this.

He's been more helpful the past couple weeks ( since we got a BFP).

Kafo25 · April 2012

DH is a champion. He works from home, and he takes DS for a little while every morning while he's trying to work so I can get some sleep after long nights. DS has had lots of tummy issues so I wouldn't get through the day without DH taking him in the morning. He's gotten less and less reluctant over the past 2 months. He's never been around kids, let alone babies, so it's been a big change for him...but he's been amazing. He works so hard so he can support us, and every day I'm amazed at how lucky I am.

lisamoe · April 2012

Stacyc625:

We have this understanding:

We BOTH work 9-5 (obviously hypothetical time frame) him at the office- and me at home. During that time we are working doing our respective 'jobs' - now when he is home. I switch from 100% childcare/parenting- to co parenting at 50%... and we split all leftover household duties and kid stuff.

He is the dad- he is reponsible for half of the childcare/parenting

This, exactly.

noah-bear · April 2012

DH is a wonderful help when he's home and awake. Right now he's working nights (12hr shifts) so when he's home during the day he's asleep. If he's home at night he plays with him and bathes him and gets him dressed and brushes his teeth depending on who DS chooses to give him a bath. We rotate who does what. If I bathe him, DH gets him dressed and brushes his teeth.

When we go out or are home we split most of it 50/50

KBratt1 · April 2012

DH works 6days a week, & is gone about 10hrs a day. I do all the house work, I pay all the bills, do all the shopping, run all the errands...he feeds DD every night at dinner (whether they share from his plate or he supervises her eating her own food), he does DD baths most of the time & he is responsible for getting up with her during the night (which is RARE!). Also, most Sundays he stays home with them while I go do whatever I need/want. If I have a REALLY overwhelming day/afternoon he will pitch in more when he gets home, like letting me escape in our room for a bubble bath or to watch tv alone.

ta78 · April 2012

You definitely need to have a discussion with him.

DH works from 6-6 right now and still takes DS as soon as he gets home. They play if dinner isn't ready, or we eat and then they play. They both go to bed around the same time right now, so he may not always do bedtime stuff, but he does his share of parenting and giving me a break. There are the occasional days that DH is tired from work and wants to relax when he gets home, and that's fine because a majority of the time he doesn't.

On weekends he gets up in the night if needed (not as much anymore) and he gets up in the mornings so I can sleep in. He enjoys it because he doesn't get to spend as much time with DS as I do.. and he knows that I am working all day too.

fernane · April 2012

DH never gets up after going to bed, so I'm on my own there, but with everything else he's happy to help. He has seen how demanding a baby can be and has never pulled the "I work and you don't" argument with me. If he ever did I'm pretty sure I'd kick him in the balls.

ashleyhuney · April 2012

No, DH doesn't "help out," he shoulders his share of parenting/household responsibilities with a good attitude though. I watch the kids while he is working but other than that we parent and take care of the house equally. Even middle of the night wake ups, I'll get up first and BF then hand her off to DH to put back to sleep. He is the best dad and husband I could imagine, so much more present than my own dad.

Mom2Mack1 · April 2012

DH helps when he is home. I do baths in the morning so he doesn't help with that but bedtime, playing with her, dinner, etc. he helps with all of that. He doesn't always want to change diapers so I have to ask him to do that!

When I first started SAH I always did bedtime and I could tell DD was starting to prefer me over DH. Now we alternate bedtime, and he takes her out with just him so it's not always mommy, mommy, mommy!

dsmithplus2 · April 2012

Your H should understand that not only does he need to spend time with his child, but that you are day all home cleaning, cooking meals, watching LO, and taking care of anything that needs to be done.

H is a very big helper and hogs DS from the time he is home until the time he goes to bed! He walks in from work, acknowledges me (I'm usually cooking), and goes straight to take LO off of my hands. He even feeds LO dinner! We do bedtime routine together. We still rock him to sleep while reading a book (we rotate every other day who gets to rock him).

I did have a talk with husband about helping out after about a month of him coming in and doing whatever. He is so much better than then! I really told him the first thing I said to you, he was totally understanding and apologized because he knew he was being somewhat selfish.

Hope this helps!

HarrietNJMommy · April 2012

Yes, DH helps out a lot. He gets home from work, and gets a 1/2 hour to rest/unwind and then he's on duty unless he has a conference call or work to do. He typically does bath 2x per week and puts the kids to bed 1/2 the nights (we trade).......

HarrietNJMommy · April 2012

There's no magic formula. It takes a lot of communication and dividing of duties (not always 50/50) to figure out what works best for your family.

I would sit down and have a long talk with him and come up with a plan. Also, don't be afraid if you come up with a plan and it's not working, to revise it. It's always a work in progress.

queenie521 · April 2012

Just wondering if you DH has ever had an extended amount of "alone" time with your LO to realize how much "work" it really is. I find when DH starts to lose focus about how hard my days are, sometimes, I need to get out and do something for a full day so that he understands that I am not playing all day long......that being a full time mom is really hard work. It always puts things into perspective for him and he winds up commenting about how "i dont know how you do this" and "you have the hardest job in the world".

Juliaarlene · April 2012

DH and I both worked full time until about 5 months ago. I lost my job just as he took a higher paying longer hours job. When we both worked we split the child care/ household responsibilities very evenly. it's just since i'm not working now that he has taken a back seat to these things. I keep encouraging him to do more with DD now - like helping put her to bed during the week so that when DS arrives he can do more to help with DD. He usually gets home just at her bedtime though and wants to unwind from work before doing anything. I know when DS comes he will step up, but I would love to see more involvement with DD now! It's time for a discussion!

cmhicklin · April 2012

I'm with the other posters who said DH doesn't help. We are both DD's parents, and we both what we have to do to take care of her. He comes home from work and actually does the majority of stuff with DD, unless he has a meeting or night class. Feeding her dinner, giving her a bath, and getting her ready for bed. In between those things he is playing hard with her : ) I admit that I do a little more with DD, because I am home more with her. DH is off for the most part in the summers because he is a teacher, and we split all of the child and house stuff 50/50. I don't get the comments that DH needs to "wind down after work" My DH gets to wind down when I get to wind down, after DD is in bed.

ejh090305 · April 2012

My husband does everything with the kids, except giving baths(though he did when I was pg with #2) He just doesn't like it......I get it. So generally while I do bath time, he does dishes. Works for me. I agree that while he is at work it should be all you, but when he is off work it s/b 50-50. It isn't just good for you but for the kids.

Same thing as asking dh to "babysit" while you go out. No....you are a parent they are yours too. it is not babysitting.

jssica2 · April 2012

hi my hubby works all the time i do all the kids thing bath/bed/dinner/. some times he help but im on my onie on this. dont get help becuas im mom i have 2 do ever thing so i cant whate intell nite time comes whare i can sleep and have 2 get up and do it all agen in the morring. after i had my babys i got up at nite doing ever thing i had a c-s whith both my kids had no help whith that ether.

How much does DH help with the kids?

Re: How much does DH help with the kids?

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