Vent: 3rd Party Parenting

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2012

If you play soccer, you know what "third party" is. If not, I'm sure you can figure it out. In this case, it's when DS is throwing a tantrum and I am trying to keep him (and myself!) calm and my mother chimes in with her own parenting. Sometimes, she tries to tell DS to calm down (which we know is pretty counterproductive). Sometimes, though she makes him promises/ offers I am not cool with. It makes my job that much more difficult. I just want to scream, "I got it! Leave us alone for a minute!" But, I know that's the tantrum getting to me so I just keep doing/saying what I'm trying to do or say and pretty much just block her out. I feel like it adds to the chaos of the moment, though.

Anyone else dealing with this? Got any good one-liners to respectfully but quickly get Mom out of the way while you try to tame the beast??

jwthoms1 · April 2012

I guess you live with your mom? I would have an honest discussion with your mom on neutral ground (not in the middle of your child's fit) and tell her that you will do the parenting. If she wants to give her input she can talk to you at another time but in the middle of the tantrum she needs to butt out and let you be the parent or at least back you up and stay in agreement with you.

If she knows another way, she can share it with you later.

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2012

jwthoms1:
I guess you live with your mom? I would have an honest discussion with your mom on neutral ground (not in the middle of your child's fit) and tell her that you will do the parenting. If she wants to give her input she can talk to you at another time but in the middle of the tantrum she needs to butt out and let you be the parent or at least back you up and stay in agreement with you.
If she knows another way, she can share it with you later.

Thanks for the insight No, we don't live together - just in the same town. Which sometimes *feels* like under the same roof. LOL

LoveEeyore · April 2012

Yeah, I completely agree that any discussions about the kid need to be at another time. DH and I really had to work this one out. I would get pissed if he woould come over and start scolding the kids while I was in the middle of handling it. I had issues with him giving time out over absolutely anything and would tell him as he dragged kicking screaming kid to time out. We had to set some ground rules. Basically, if you are desperate to handle it, then get ther before me. Otherwise butt out. It works. It was actually a relief for both of us to get it out.

MrsRon · April 2012

I lived in town with my parents last year for a while (DH was deployed and I was preggers, so DS and I got an apartment in their city), and I had to deal with that. My brother (a doting uncle to be sure!), and my grandfather tried to "help" me parent as well. I'm super uncomfortable approaching someone about something after the fact (nothing wrong with it -- it just makes me nervous), so once or twice, I just said, "I need to deal with this, and extra voices are just going to confuse him." Or my brother would try to plead with him and coax him to stop having a fit (ie, "Oh come on, Ronnie. Wouldn't you feel so much better if you stopped having a fit? Come on. Let's go play with your toys.") I would say, "This is an obedience issue. I need to deal with this." They got the point pretty quickly.

memali26 · April 2012

My DH's family is HORRIBLE about this. I can't even count how many times I've wanted to say something to his grandmother especially about letting me parent my own child. I have yet to find a way to handle it except to ignore the third party - I just keep focused on my DD and do what I have to do. I've even removed her from the room in the middle of an issue to deal with it in private.

PandaMom06 · April 2012

My nephews play baseball and my SIL's Mom shows up to almost every practice/game. SIL tells me her Mom butts in constantly. However, my SIL just tells her to stop, well not exactly "stop" but not what you're looking for!

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2012

So glad I'm not alone here. When I'm out of the situation, I don't feel like taking about it because it doesn't seem like a big deal then. I think it's just that when everyone's nerves are on edge, it's just too much.

honeybee111 · April 2012

My mom only tried this once - similar situation: DD was throwing a fit, I was trying to ignore, and my mom started going over to her and saying, "Ohhhhhhh, it's all right...........". I straight out told her, "Mom, leave her alone. She's fine." Not sure if that's what you're looking for, but my mom and I have a great relationship and are pretty open and straightforward about stuff. Also, my mom doesn't mean to undermine my parenting, she just doesn't like to see DD upset(I think it's the spoiling your grandchild thing).

SailorGray · April 2012

My FIL does this and it drives me crazy. He is such a meddler, though, so I shouldn't be surprised. Even if I am just asking/telling DS to do something and he doesn't do it, my FIL will pipe in. I feel like he is undermining me. He did the same thing with our dogs before we even had kids. I just ignore it b/c there's really no point in even trying.

Jen&Len · April 2012

My mom does this. She talks over me to DS when he's tantruming so there are basically two people talking to him at the same time...often with differing this to say. I told my mom (nicely) to please do not talk to DS while I am talking to him and that it makes things very confusing to him to hear two people talking to him at the same time. She still does it, but I shoot her a look now and she knows what that means.

tarebear9891 · April 2012

My parents (and my husbands do this). I started just having to physically remove my kids to get away from the other people trying to "help". Plus taking them away from the situation helps them cool off. It does need to be addressed some how, my oldest knows how to manipulate the situation and tries to get sympathy from his grandparents which undermines our rules.

MammaBear81 · April 2012

My mom is the queen of offering bribes that do not fly in my house, and no matter what I say to her (and I have privately on several occasions) she doesn't get it. She lives about 10 minutes away and as PP's have said it's like she lives in our house sometimes. When it happens, if I can, I will pick up my child and move them away from her so I can finish dealing with the situation. If I can't move (like we are in a car) I will flat out tell her "in our family we do not reward negative behavior, I'd appreciate it if you would not include yourself in this situation". There is just no sugar coating it, I love my mom, but I do not parent like she does.

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