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TTC After a Loss
Actingdiva09
member
Open letters, anyone? :)
Actingdiva09
member
My open letter is to DH:
Dear DH,
I'm sorry that I don't want to have sex with you right now. You clearly don't understand how depression works. I have ZERO sex drive, and you feeling like crap when I say "No, I don't want to have sex" without a reason like a headache or some other physical ailment does NOT make it any easier for me. Please stop pouting. You push me further down that hole. Try understanding what I'm going through for a little bit before you ask me 3 times (yes, 3 times) in one hour if I want to have sex.
I love you even though you make me crazy,
Signed your tired and depressed wife.
"For I know the plans I have for you,
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Open letters, anyone? :)
Dear DH,
I try not to make you feel pressured about TTC so I have stopped telling you when its the "best time" to have sex. and b/c of that I think anytime I initiate it you think i'm in my FW. So by the time I'm actually in my FW, you dont want sex anymore. Its really starting to make me depressed (more so then I already am). Honestly sometimes I wonder if you really even want another child since you already have one (with someone else, of course). You dont know this, But I cry myself to sleep so many nights hurting from what we lost and what could have been. I wish you could understand more of what I was feeling. And when I try to tell you how I'm feeling, I wish the look of "really? its been 4months now, your not over this yet?" would not appear on your face. I wish you would tell me how you are feeling. Sometimes I dont even think our loss has phased you, and that makes me hurt. I still love you, I just wish we were more on the same page with everything
Signed, your all cried out and slightly depressed wife
Dear Baby,
I wish I could have been your mom for longer. It breaks my heart that you didn't make it. I wish I could have gotten to know you. Your mom and dad loved you already. I realized last night that I am happy that I got to be a mom with your dad. We are an amazing family. I am happy that you existed even for a little while and even if you will be our only child. I know I only just lost you. But know that you will never be forgotten and you will always be loved. I hope you are somewhere safe and that you are at peace. I'm sorry if anything I did hurt you. I tried to be healthy and safe, but you never know. I hope you will have a sister or brother one day.
Love,
Mom
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
Dear AF,
Hurry up! I'm ready to start a new round of treatment!
Sincerely,
Me
((hugs)) all around! I know a lot of people need it right now. For once I am in a reasonably good mood, and seeing as we may be going out or having company in a few, I can't focus on negative feelings for a letter.
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19
This is so beautiful and heartbreaking! So sorry for your loss.
Dear Body,
FIGURE IT THE F### OUT!!!
Mmmmkay, Thanks.
Miss
This is amazing. Many hugs to you.
I have a letter similar to this that I wrote in my journal, and writing it really started me on the path to dealing with the grief and fears.
Dear DH,
I am sorry that I am unable to stop talking about TTC after our loss. I wish you could just say that you felt as desperate as I do to start our family. Also, I'm sorry that I feel desperate to have sex so often right now but I honestly can't help trying and seeing how my chart sucks and my body doesn't want to seem to O I can't help but want to try all the time. I wish you felt the same way as me.
I love you,
R
Dear Aidan,
I miss you so much!! I can't believe you would be 13 months old today. Daddy had a hard time today. He tries so hard not to cry. I'm sorry someone took away your nightlight..I put it in the ground behind your grave, near the woods. I hope that's okay. Please don't think I am trying to replace you by praying for your brother or sister. You were my first born child, my son..No one could EVER replace you! I know you visit me often..I sometimes feel you all around me..Thank you. I am sure you already know this but.. Mommy and Daddy love you stronger than the winds blow..higher than the trees grow..all the way to Heaven..and back again!!
Love you forever,
Mommy
Dear DH,
I wish you would've been there for me when I miscarried. You said you were- but it was after several weeks of me crying that you finally got a clue, and by that point- other people had filled the void with gifts, hugs, and prayers. I wish you seemed like you cared that we lost our only child together. I wish you would cry with me when I do. I wish you would defend me and stand up for me and try to get a decent job so I wouldn't have to work so hard or worry about money all the time. I wish you would simply let me be depressed and give me a break for bit by cleaning the house or running errands so I can just rest and try to resume normal life.
I love you, I really do. And I know you love me. But lately, it just feels like we are roommates who fight all the time. I just wish instead of fighting with me- you'd fight for me. I wish that all the passion you put into arguing with me- you would put into taking care of me.
I miss you and how things use to be.
-Your depressed and childless wife.
Dear Body,
I would really appreciate it if you could run like clock work! Also when the good news does come, can it last for the 9 months it's supposed to and come with a squishy pink or blue bow, or both that would work for me too.
Thanks, M.E.
All of your letters are so sweet and heartbreaking, I teared up reading them. Here's mine:
Dear DH,
Thanks so much for buying me the necklace in memory of our loss, but I so wish that you had thought of it yourself instead of me having to suggest it. I know you think it is a little stupid, but I'm glad you've kept it to yourself. And also, I'm sorry our sex has been so scheduled since the loss. I am a crazy person and usually you deal with it pretty well. I just hope we get KU soon so I can fill my heart again.
Love,
YW
Totally get you on the necklace piece. My husband only bought me a necklace several weeks after I miscarried and after I got angry that he did nothing while a bunch of other people did. It sucks
Dear DH,
I am sorry that I have been making TTC into a chore and been so desperate to get pregnant, and I am sorry that I still talk about the miscarriage so much and have to talk about my feelings, I know that you like to hold your feelings in, and I am just the opposite. I know its hard for you too, I just wish sometimes you'd cry with me, or go nuts with me when I have my meltdowns. I am sorry that I have turning into a charting maniac and have us live by the charts, I will try to calm down.
I feel so hollow and I want so badly for that part of my heart to be filled up again with the promise of a baby, please try to understand how nervous I am about everything, I know that no one in your family has ever had a miscarriage, and I know that they are all fertile myrtles and don't have any complications with pregnancy, but I am not them, I don't know why we're having such problems, I wish I did.
I know you want a baby as soon as possible, I do too, I am trying my best, giving me news articles about some new miracle cure or hint to getting pregnant isn't helping hiney, I know you mean well but it just makes me feel like more of a failure when you remind me how easy it is for everyone in your family....I'm sorry honey, I am trying....please be patient with the process. I love you!
Your Wife
Dear Me;
I wish there was a manual to my life. Almost a year ago, I had a plan. Make baby #2 and provide DS age 4 with a sibiling by the age of 5, and continue my career plan as a Law Enforcement officer. He we are almost a year later, a year wasted, with 3 angel babies that I'll never get to hold or meet. A career that is still out of reach. Now I have to decide to put our dreams of having another child and keeping the age gap as mall as possible, on hold, or put my career on hold. I also have to face a looming Deployment to Afghanistan where DH is going in 2013.
All of this was NOT my plan, but it is gods plan, I guess and I just hate this extended journey to parts of my life. I'm having such trouble understanding all the whys and fighting the urge to wonder about the what if's. I'm so lost and DH also doesnt get "it" He doesn't get why I'm still up set and why This affects me so much. I just wish all this mess would go away, I need a book, catered to me on how to get through this point in my life! What do I choose?