Told MIL about IVF (Vent and long)

delino · April 2012

My MIL stopped by to give DH his birthday present and I decided to spill the beans to her that we're starting IVF. Just some background...Last year on Mother's Day we had everyone over my house for dinner. Upon her arrival I gave her a hug and kiss and said Happy Mother's Day. She turns around and says to me "I wish I could say the same to you"...nice, right? Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person and cares very much about me, but often says the wrong thing. After our first loss, we were planning a trip to Atlantic City and she called saying that she needed to know if I'm pregnant because if I was, we couldn't go in the car with her sick friend. I was flabbergasted and very upset by her rude intrusion into my life which was solely for the purpose of her being nosey and making up an excuse to ask. When I was going through my 2nd loss, I had DH tell her what happened and that I didn't want to talk about it, in order to avoid unnecessary phone calls. She called a few days later and when I told her that we had to do IVF and had no insurance coverage, she insisted I was wrong and that it's required to be covered...umm..no. She also said to keep her posted which was when I told her that I wouldn't be telling her all the details of our private journey to child and therefore she won't be hearing anything else unless we decide to say anything. We didn't even tell her about the third loss.

She's been good about not asking or bringing it up. She always asks the usual "what's new" question and haven't said anything until today. I figure it's only fair to tell her and we can use all the prayers we can get. So I spilled the beans and told her we would be starting soon. She asked some questions as far as what's involved and if we can choose the gender (which she said she was kidding, but she has very openly expressed that she desperately wants a granddaughter) and also asked if that means we'll have multiples. Overall, she wasn't too nosey and it was a good conversation. She said to let her know when to start praying and I told her, now would be good. Then...as she's leaving, she said to let her know if I need anything because if I don't let her know, she's going to ask. Ugh...just leave me alone! If I have something to tell you, I will call you. I didn't give her the dates or anything as I don't need her bugging me.

amidkiff · April 2012

I'm sorry for your MIL being so insensitive in the past, and so nosey. I'm glad she is on your side though. I think sometimes people just don't understand how to be supportive without being intrusive. Good luck hon, I'm rooting for you!

kelly321 · April 2012

amidkiff:
I'm sorry for your MIL being so insensitive in the past, and so nosey. I'm glad she is on your side though. I think sometimes people just don't understand how to be supportive without being intrusive. Good luck hon, I'm rooting for you!

This. I think it's often a fine line between the two (supportive and intrusive), and where that line lies is different for different people. It sounds like she means well, so I hope that she's considerate enough to keep her nosey questions to herself until you're ready to talk. I wish you the best of luck with your IVF.

delino · April 2012

Thanks ladies. I know she has nothing but the best of intentions. I am beyond lucky to have family and friends that would listen to me ramble on and on about anything my heart desires, and yet I make the decision to stay in my bubble. That's just the way I've always been. When I'm going through something stressful and personal, I bottle it all in unless I have good news to share. I guess I don't like dissapointing people and feeling like a failure.

minicheezburg · April 2012

I am so sorry she has been rude in the past even if wasn't her intention. I am happy that she seems to be a little less intrusive and that she wasn't rude during your explaination of what will happen. Hugs honey and know that I am praying for you.

Allycat11 · April 2012

kelly321:
amidkiff:
I'm sorry for your MIL being so insensitive in the past, and so nosey. I'm glad she is on your side though. I think sometimes people just don't understand how to be supportive without being intrusive. Good luck hon, I'm rooting for you!
This. I think it's often a fine line between the two (supportive and intrusive), and where that line lies is different for different people. It sounds like she means well, so I hope that she's considerate enough to keep her nosey questions to herself until you're ready to talk. I wish you the best of luck with your IVF.

All of this. You could also tell her that right now you just need space to handle things on your own but you appreciate her consideration.

Ironmom2be · April 2012

delino:
Thanks ladies. I know she has nothing but the best of intentions. I am beyond lucky to have family and friends that would listen to me ramble on and on about anything my heart desires, and yet I make the decision to stay in my bubble. That's just the way I've always been. When I'm going through something stressful and personal, I bottle it all in unless I have good news to share. I guess I don't like dissapointing people and feeling like a failure.

I know exactly how you feel. We haven't told anyone about IVF for this reason, I really don't want to disappoint. We talked about "telling" after we're successful. No one knows about mt BT either. We've kept quiet about that b/c we're not sure people will understand.

Well, I'm glad you were comfortable enough to tell her, I hope she respects your desire for privacy. Last thing you're going to need is stress right now. Hang in there,it will be here before you know it!! Squeeee!!!

delino · April 2012

Ironmom2be:

I know exactly how you feel. We haven't told anyone about IVF for this reason, I really don't want to disappoint. We talked about "telling" after we're successful. No one knows about mt BT either. We've kept quiet about that b/c we're not sure people will understand.

Well, I'm glad you were comfortable enough to tell her, I hope she respects your desire for privacy. Last thing you're going to need is stress right now. Hang in there,it will be here before you know it!! Squeeee!!!

I'm sorry hun. I know exactly what you mean about people not understanding. No one could possibly understand. (((HUGS)))

panacea05 · April 2012

I like my little bubble, too.

It does sound like your MIL's intentions are good, but I hope she learns to butt the fluck out. ((hugs))

Ironmom2be · April 2012

delino:
Ironmom2be:

I know exactly how you feel. We haven't told anyone about IVF for this reason, I really don't want to disappoint. We talked about "telling" after we're successful. No one knows about mt BT either. We've kept quiet about that b/c we're not sure people will understand.

Well, I'm glad you were comfortable enough to tell her, I hope she respects your desire for privacy. Last thing you're going to need is stress right now. Hang in there,it will be here before you know it!! Squeeee!!!
I'm sorry hun. I know exactly what you mean about people not understanding. No one could possibly understand. (((HUGS)))

Thanks ((hugs)) to you, too! At least we all have each other, since we all do understand what others are going through.....

delino · April 2012

Ironmom2be:
Thanks ((hugs)) to you, too! At least we all have each other, since we all do understand what others are going through.....

delino · April 2012

jenek0213:

Your MIL and my MIL would be BFFs.... Mine is so beyond nosy. DH finally sat down and had a strong talk with her. Afterwards, she's really tried to do better.

But she wants to HELP so badly. I finally asked her to make her lasagna for our ER day... then DH could just pop it in the oven and I could relax (that was the thought, no what actually happened unfortunately.) She dropped off lasagna and garlic bread and a salad ready and a giant plate of cookies the night before (yea - a little overboard but oh well). And she was happy... once she felt like she was "helping" - she really didn't bug me about anything else. Even though she knew that ER was that day - she didn't say a word beyond "good luck."

I don't know what your relationship with your MIL is or whether something similar would work?

*hugs* Don't let her stress you out. You need to relax and get ready for your big move to PgAL!

Yup...sounds like our MIL's were separated at birth. I know it's just her desire to help and be motherly. That's where we're actually very similar. We're both very independent, but she wants us to need her. I like your idea, but I don't plan to tell anybody about the day of our ER. We'll see how things go since we have like 3 weeks until then.

lsuhoneybadger · April 2012

I'm sorry your MIL was being so intrusive. Hopefully she has now realized things and will just be supportive, instead of overbearing, from now on.

pinktrojanbride120107 · April 2012

I can see how you feel, delino. My MIL was the same after our loss, and since then, she's been coming over every day with FIL to fix up our house, feed and play with the dog, etc while DH and I are at work. I know it comes with the best of intentions but it does feel smothering at times. I'll be thinking of you and praying for the best with your IVF.

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2012

I'm sorry that your MIL is so nosey. I will never really understand why people feel that our TTC journey is an open discussion and that everyone gets to have an opinion about. It is such a personal journey. You know that you have many T&P's coming from this board as you begin your IVF journey.

Gregermis · April 2012

It's always hard with family and IVF. When I told dad, every time I didn't call or txt with an update, he'd freak out thinking something was wrong. Just keep pushing her back to your comfort zone. Hopefully she'll get it eventually

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