Donor egg ladies please come in, had my LO and have questions
hooliface
member
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this and answer my questions. My background for those who don't know me, I have 1 DD who is my biological child conceived with 50mg clomid who is 4. DH and I tried and tried with my own eggs to have another little one, with no success. We did 12 IUI, 3 IVF's before we decided to go with a donor.
After several failed matches we found a donor and out of 28 eggs we got our new addition. We had nothing left to freeze. My pregnancy was very easy, delivery was not too bad, DD spent some time in the NICU the cord was around her neck but outside of that things went well.
Here are my issues. I am having a HARD time bonding with my new little one. I mean really hard. I just look at her and feel no "real connection" even though I carried her, gave birth to her, etc. I keep thinking how am I ever going to love her as much as DD. I just feel sick about it and have been crying, etc about it since she was about 5 days old. It really hit me then. It had been DD and I for 4 years and we are VERY close.
I have anxiety and OCD to begin with and was on medication for it for years. I made an appt with my psych to see her and I told her about my feelings and she upped my medication dose and said it would take 1 to 2 weeks to see an improvement. It has been 3 days so far and I have no relief yet. She also said that bonding comes with time and not to over think it and that I can love DD for different reasons/ways then my new daughter because they are different people. Every time I look at my LO I just want to cry because I want to love her, bond with her, etc. I just fear this so much and she is so sweet and innocent and here I am a total mess.
I guess I am asking if anyone felt this way? Did it take you a while to build the bond?
Thank you
Re: Donor egg ladies please come in, had my LO and have questions
((hugs)) I am not in your shoes but, this is the biggest reason I'm scared to move onto DS. So while I'm not in your shoes, I have some very small idea of what your saying. My dd is full bio and we are glued at the hip and at this point DS is the only option we can afford (dh no longer has any sperm). I also take medication for anxiety.
With that said, I have not doubt you will will love your sweet new little one just as much, its just taking some time and that's okay. She is still loved and being cared for.
Im glad your getting some help working through this and that you have your DHs support. Does he feel a bond with your new LO?
((hugs))
We used DE. Personally I bonded quickly but DD is my first, I don't know how I'll feel when we have #2.
Honestly, this sounds like a going from 1-2 kids issue, your DD has been your only for 4 yrs and it's only natural that a part of you is sad to have that change.
you don't know your new LO yet. Give both of you time to get to know each other. And be easy on yourself.
Not a DE mom but I felt compelled to reply.
I didn't bond right away with my first. We went thru so much to conceive him and then expected NICU time (didn't end up happening). I just didn't feel what i thought I should when I first held him.
It took several weeks but it did come.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Please be kind to yourself!! I have faith that before long you won't be able to imagine your lives without her.
I know for me I kinda expected my second to be a lot like my first but they Are nothing alike. It kinda threw me for a loop at first but now I'm so glad that I get to parent 2 little people who both have so much to offer in such different ways.
This is a big transition. It'll all come together in time.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Not DE, but we froze eggs so I was compelled to read your story. I wanted to chime in that I did not bond with DD at first, even though she is bio. I was stressed about bf, tired, and probably dealing with ppd. I lover her, but there wasn't a bond except that I looked at her as 'needing' me and being afraid to fail. Of course, now at 2, we are well bonded - but this time and transition and milestones. I am sure if I were to add another baby in the mix, I might even resent what it would do to my relationship with DD.
Were you worried about this before, in so much that perhaps this has been a self fulfilled prophecy? I just wonder if you kept moving fwd but maybe had this in your mind; combine that with going from 1-2 and then the anxiety and it's a recipe for disaster.
I totally agree on the therapist - sounds like you can talk through these things in additional to the Rx. I understand that a combo of both is the 'gold standard'. Hang in there and keep reaching out for the support you need.
I just want to give you big (((hugs))).
I will likely be in a similar situation as you soon. I have a bio son, but will pursuing DE soon for #2 and have fears some times about it.
I wonder if you are having PPD issues that may or may not be related to DE?? I am glad you are reaching out to your doctor and to others that may have some experience. If you aren't on the FB groups (there is a Mom's after IF and a DE/DS group as well), I would reach out there as well. I know there are some DE momma's there.
I explored adoption a lot and have read a lot about how it's extremely normal for a parent to not experience an automatic, overnight bond with his/her baby, whether that baby is biological, adopted, DE, etc. I remember reading that it takes several weeks to experience any sort of major bonding, and a real, strong bond doesn't usually develop until about 6 months postpartum. The glowing, fully-bonded mom/baby relationship 30 seconds after birth is largely a fallacy. Do some Googling and you'll see what I mean.
I agree with the others that this is probably more a case of this being your second child than this being your donor child. Also, you're probably focusing on this more than you would if you had used a donor. Then you'd just be too tired and strung out to think about it.
Bonding takes time to achieve - and let's face it - newborns are demanding, difficult, and not a whole lot of fun. I have no doubt that your tune will completely change as time goes on. ((Hugs))
TTC in 2008. Stage II/III endo, Hashimotos hypothyroid, low morph (3%).
2 cycles Clomid/Ovidrel/TI/Crinone=BFN.
IUI #1 - 4 Follistim/Ovidrel/IUI/Crinone = BFN.
IVF #1 - Antagonist w/ ICSI 4/10. 17 retrieved, 5DT of 2, BFN
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i did not use donor eggs, but i did not feel bonded to my boys when they arrived. i was so scared and overwhelmed by it all. i knew i loved them, but i didn't feel like their mom just yet.
i think it will come in time- i don't know that it is because she is not biologically related to you so much as it is a huge transition and change for your family.
when i think about having a third, i do feel some sadness already because i worry about how it will take away from what i have to give my boys. i wonder if you are feeling the same and resent your new daughter for it a little?
good luck, i am glad you are taking some medication. maybe therapy could also help?
Thank you ladies. I think as some of you put it, it is also the transition from 1 to 2. I really do agree, and think that I might have the same feelings toward this one even if she was another biological child.
I don't know, but overall I just feel very smothered. I LOVE my first DD with all my heart and I think in my mind I had fully accepted the fact that DE was going to fail and it would just be DD and myself. The pregnancy went really fast, we had a ton of things going on during it and it literally was here before I knew it.
I did think about using DE through this process, but it was our only option. DH was not into the idea of adoption AT ALL. So, I figured he and I both wanted more children and this was our only way to it. DH has already formed that bond with her and he can "see" himself in her. I on the other hand just feel "disconnected". I was trying to BF but that is not going to happen since we upped the dose on my medication. I just hate having anxiety and ocd to begin with, hormones just put you over the top!
I really think I am sleep deprived, have ppd, and missing it just being "us". My first is very easy, in preschool, very independent, etc. I am mourning the old way of life, accepting the new, and praying that in time the bond will form.
I know with DD #1, I felt a bit this way and I look at her now and gush. Thank you for listening
I really don't think it has to do with DE at all, but I can understand how you may believe it to be. I do think that many new mothers expect an instant bond with their babies and that bond can take time no matter how the baby was conceived. I can also see how you can compare the love you have for a child you have known for 4 years to this new little being in your life, but bonding whether it be first born, third born, DE, DS or any other means of obtaining a child can take time.
I am not a DE mom, but my baby spent 2 weeks in NICU. When he was in there, everything was very surreal for me. It was like I was visiting someone else's kid. I remember walking in on one of the nurses changing him one day and thinking she looked much more comfortable with him than me.
There was not much of a bond after we got home either - another babysitting moment from day to day. I would hold him, and rock him, feed him, but it took quite a while before it clicked that he was MY baby.
I can not remember how it came to be that we bonded, but it did happen with time.
(((hugs)))
After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
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Add me to the list of people that did not bond with the DC for a while.
We were not DE, but it still took me months. To me it felt like I was just going through the motions. I took a lot of showers because that was the place I could escape.
I remember being in the car with my DH saying something like "I wonder when she's going to feel like ours?" and he said "The second she came out she was my daughter."
I was like uh oh. Am I supposed to feel connected to this kid already?
It took some time, but I can't imagine a world without her now. She's 100% my daughter and I love her to pieces.
We did not use DE but I don't feel that I bonded quickly with DS at first. It scared me because I hear everyone say that they felt this unbelievable bond and love for their child the moment they saw them. While I knew that I loved my son and was so happy to have him it did take some time for me. I'm not sure that I truly had PPD but some PP anxiety. He was an extremely difficult baby (colic, reflux, very little sleep) up until 5-6 months. It was just a rough time. I cried A LOT. Now I do feel that bond and love with my son but it did take time.
((HUGS)) to you. I think as PP's said, this sounds more like a PPD issue and a huge change to your life after having an only child for 4 years. I'm sure you just need to give it some time to sink in.
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(vanished twin ~7 weeks)
I just wanted to say that I was in the exact opposite situation and that is why I am feeling like it is more of a second child thing than a biological thing.
My first child was adopted. I was pregnant at the time. I gave birth to my bio DD 5 months after we got our adopted DD and honestly it took me MONTHS to bond with my bio DD. I felt like I could never love a second child. But eventually we did bond and things worked out. I really feel like you can love any child and bio has nothing to do with it. I personally would think its a medical mental thing and a second baby thing more than it is an issue of a biological child. Hang in there momma. You WILL bond. I promise you that!
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Same here but reverse, I felt an instant connection with dd, and then I felt like it took 4 months to truly love her like I did da. It was a crazy stressful time in our lives and it scared me to death! I never worried for a moment about loving her and then I struggled. Now I couldn't love that girl more! And my mon evens says she thinks I favor her over ds (which I disagree) so I agree with others, sounds like ppd and normal behavior more than de issue.
Hugs!!!
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My Blog - "Helping Make Sense"
We did use DE and I honestly was a bit concerned right after DD was born. I didn't feel how I thought I would right away. I didn't have an overwhelming feeling of love for her right away. Really i felt like I was faced with the reality that my child was finally here and there was no denying that we don't share any genetics. I was completely caught off guard, with these emotions. Before I got pregnant, I felt like I was completely at peace with DE. In hindsight I feel like it was mostly hormonal. DD is now 5 month old and I can't imagine loving a child more. In fact I am so careful about a surprise BFP bc I would never want DD to feel like she was our second choice (if though I think that thought is crazy, I'm just not going to take that chance, also we have 10 frosties).
I hope you feel better soon. I don't post as much as I used to but feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
Big hugs! It is so tough. My DS is the result of using an egg donor. We don't have any other children, so I can't compare in that sense. But I do wonder if a lot of your struggle is just adding a 2nd child to the picture, no matter the genetic link or not. You and your 1st DD have formed a close bond and I'm sure it is overwhelming to add another child to the mix.
I agree, too, with other posters that maybe their is some PPD going on. I had PPD but my symptoms were different. I was able to bond with DS but just felt overwhelmed and anxious about anything and everything, when typically I'm not an anxious person. Therapy and medication has been a huge help.
And yes, it can take up to 6 weeks for medication to take effect, so try to give it time. 3 days is not long enough but I know when you're struggling like that, 3 days feels like an eternity.
Praying for you!!!
I just wanted to offer big hugs. You are going through a lot. Please don't feel guilty about anything you are experiencing! I do agree with the other posters that going from one child to two and dealing with anxiety/OCD on top of that could very well explain your feelings of not bonding. That makes a lot of sense. That's great that you already followed up with your psychitrist - I hope your med changes kick in soon. I agree that therapy would probably also be helpful if you are able to make it happen. It might help to just have an outside perspective and have someone validate what you are going through.
(((HUGS)))
IVF#1 Oct 2009 (CCRM) - BFN
IVF#2 March 2010 - Poor response/cancelled
DE IVF#1 Aug 2010 - BFN
DE IVF#2 Dec 2010 - Transferred 1, 2 frozen - BFP!
TTC#2 FET Jan 2013 - Transferred 1 - BFP!
I really think that this is the key - it's that you know your DD#1 inside and out and your love has grown over time as you've gotten to know her. I suspect this happens a lot with moms of #2, no matter how #2 arrives. It's confounded by the fact that you're suspecting yourself of something that you fear - you're afraid you can't love a DE child. I assure you that's not true, but I understand that fear. I too felt it and I too said I initially felt like "a lactating babysitter." It sooooooooooooo went away. I know it will for you too. Hang in there. It's OK if you don't feel the same way right now. You are still a great mom and you still have a baby who only knows you as mama. Who needs you and only you to care for her. If emotionally you have to phone it in for a while, that's OK. The real love is there - and soon you'll believe it.
Take good care.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
OMG this this this. We did have a surprise BFP (unfortunately the pg was not successful) when Sam was 1 year old. My first reaction was no no no no no - I can not love an OE baby as much as my DE son. If we were to have a second I'd want him/her to be exactly the same as Sam. I think that's normal, irrespective of genetics!
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
I just want to let you know that you are completely normal in your feelings. As you can see, most women (or a great deal) have bonding issues with their babies....yet it seems so taboo and we are unable to talk about it. Mostly because we think we'll be judged as bad cold hearted mothers. I had a hard time bonding with DD because she was such a fussy/colicy baby. I did a FET with my own eggs, but for some reason I still always had this fear that there was some sort of mix-up in the clinic and that the twins weren't really mine or DH's. That was part of the issue. I do know they are ours, but once DD got less fussy, it was easier to bond with her. Even though I love her, there are times when I have to make an effort to give her more love and cuddle time. She's still feisty and more crankier than DS, but everything is ok. I guess it's hard because when you have 2 kids, their personalities and energies are different. My DS is a very sweet cuddly quiet boy, and everyone who meets him immediately falls in love with him. He's social and friendly and giggly. DD is a little stand-off-ish, more cautious and doesn't like to be around new people.
Hang it there, it'll get better and the best thing you can do is know that you are dealing with normal feelings.
no donor eggs here but i can say that when i had my twins, DS1 was 2yo and I felt SO much more connected to him... i KNEW who he was... the twins were just cute little blobs. It took a lot longer to truly feel bonded to them - b/c I just didn't know them as well and they weren't the little men they were giong to be yet- they were ... cute little blobs
so i think a lot of what you are feeling is normal- but the egg situation might be adding to your worry--- i would talk to a doc- PPD could play a role for sure.... but do know that it's normal to feel not as bonded with a 2nd baby as you are with the first who is much older and you KNOW.
(((HUGS)))
All I can say is thank you all for being so kind and giving me your personal stories, it really means a lot to me. After reading others stories/experiences I do realize that the DE thing is probably less the issue then just having a 2nd child.
It really helped to calm me down just reading what everyone wrote. I did/do feel like a horrible person/mother for not feeling this way......yet. I do know that the bond with DD took some time, but I had nothing to compare this to. I keep making comparisons to my older DD and that bond, which as all of you mentioned took time (4 years) to build.
I am going to continue to take my medication (the dose increase) and hope that it helps take away some of the anxiety, so that I can build that bond. Thank you all again for making me feel like a better mother/person.
i haven't experienced this, but i just want to say that i think your psychiatrist is right on in telling you not to overthink this. a psychologist who i respect tremendously once told me that guilt is the number one killer of spontaneous feelings of love. he was referring to a friendship in that case, but i think it applies to any kind of relationship--that feeling guilty and pressured to feel love squashes feelings of love, then you feel guiltier, and it snowballs. i know that this is so much easier said than done, but i think that the best thing you can do to bond with your daughter is just to relax.
i hope the medicines make things easier and i hope you'll continue to confide in your psych--it sounds to me like she really understands this stuff. sending huge hugs.