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Single Parents
DD using 'D' word with BF
So here's the deal: My DD (2 yrs) has started calling my BF her daddy. When she
talks to him, or talks about him, she calls him by his name. But when
Grandma asks her if she's talked to 'daddy' lately, DD says yes,
thinking of BF. Neither BF nor I forced her into it or encouraged her.
It appears that she just looked at XH and BF, and decided that the one
that she sees a lot and who plays with her and reads her stories (ie,
dad stuff) is dad, and the other one isn't (XH is in Africa and is a
deadbeat).
BF sees himself as her father figure, and that's fine - great, in fact. But I know that neither of us thinks it's a good idea for DD to call him her dad until we've sealed the deal (which we've talked about, just won't happen for a loooong while). I'm making sure that DD knows that her biological dad is XH, but I don't want to belittle the way she feels about BF.
Should I explain that BF isn't her dad, that maybe he's just a really good friend who loves her a lot? I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to confuse her either.
Help would be super appreciated!
BF sees himself as her father figure, and that's fine - great, in fact. But I know that neither of us thinks it's a good idea for DD to call him her dad until we've sealed the deal (which we've talked about, just won't happen for a loooong while). I'm making sure that DD knows that her biological dad is XH, but I don't want to belittle the way she feels about BF.
Should I explain that BF isn't her dad, that maybe he's just a really good friend who loves her a lot? I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to confuse her either.
Help would be super appreciated!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DD using 'D' word with BF
My DS is about the same age as your DD. I would just correct her. Say "No sweetheart, that's X. Not daddy. Your daddy lives in Africa." My DS wouldn't understand if I tried to explain something as complicated as family roles and the difference between family you choose and family you're born with. At her age I doubt she even understands what she's saying. If she seems upset by it could you think of an alternative nickname she could use for your bf? That way it would be something special between the two of them without being daddy.
My DS has tried calling a male friend of mine daddy before (obviously it's different since you're talking about a bf who has more caregiver responsibilities and I'm just talking about a friend). He didn't seem phased at all when I corrected him. If you make a big deal about it then it might confuse her. Good luck!
I agree, just keep it to a simply explination at her age.
This morning my FI left for work, and DS said "Daddy go to work!" I said "No, (FI's name here) goes to work". Then DS, with no other prompting said "Ok momma. Step-daddy go to work!" We've been talking to DS about how momma and FI are getting married, and once we do, he'll have a Step-daddy. I'm not sure how confusing it'll be for him, but I'm trying to keep it simple. He only refers to FI by his first name though...except for this morning. That was a first.
Besides, I'm thinking that at her age she probably just assumes that Daddy is the big guy who hangs around Mommy because that's what she sees with her friends, right?
Well that makes me feel loads better! Thank ladies!
In my opinion the only people a child should call mom or dad is the actual mom or dad, unless someone has legally adopted the child.
When I was with my STBXH his daughter called me by my name the whole time, not even step mom or anything. She has a wonderful mom, and while her dad and I were married it was just to much of a risk to me to potentially confuse the little girl had we got divorced one day (hmmmm, and we are lol) and I never wanted to feel like I was stepping on her moms toes.
I think shes doing that because our society is very focused on that all families are a mom and dad and children, and so any tv shows she watches or books she reads, etc will show her that there is always a mom and dad.
I would correct her, but make sure she knows that your boyfriend loves her very much. If you guys end up getting married and as your daughter gets older she can make up her mind as to her fathers roll and the step fathers roll.
You're completely right about the social norms that are affecting her. I think that's what I'm going to do correct her but reinforce it in a positive light too. It seems like too much trouble and potential mess with her bio dad to try to give them 'equal' roles, and not really fair to bio-dad (even though I want to punch him in his ugly face), DD, or BF. Our situation is complicated enough as it is, no reason to add to the mess!
You're completely right about the social norms that are affecting her. I think that's what I'm going to do correct her but reinforce it in a positive light too. It seems like too much trouble and potential mess with her bio dad to try to give them 'equal' roles, and not really fair to bio-dad (even though I want to punch him in his ugly face), DD, or BF. Our situation is complicated enough as it is, no reason to add to the mess!
You're completely right about the social norms that are affecting her. I think that's what I'm going to do correct her but reinforce it in a positive light too. It seems like too much trouble and potential mess with her bio dad to try to give them 'equal' roles, and not really fair to bio-dad (even though I want to punch him in his ugly face), DD, or BF. Our situation is complicated enough as it is, no reason to add to the mess!