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June 2012 Moms
IL's bail on shower 24 hrs before
you may not want to read. Super Long!
so I just had to put myself to bed after a night of biting my tongue because I didn't think I could hold it together any longer to DH and I feel bad for him on this too as I know he is ticked.
so here goes a long story long! My hubby has 2 biological sisters...one we are fairly close with and the other not at all. We had been. But due to a lot of things we just aren't. There was never a big fight or falling out it just happened mostly due to our inability to deal with her and her families drama filled life. now she pretty much excludes us from things unless it has to go with a gift giving holiday for her kids. The sister we are close to doesn't have much of a relationship with her anymore either due to the same reasons. Its sad cause she really did help her bring up those kids and now SIL has used her kids as chess pawns and changed their relationships with her and us. So anyway everyone still tries to keep the peace but no one is close with them like we use to be. I have felt bad for the nice SIL because she is dating and living with a guy she has been friends with for 15 years who is divorced with 2 kids. Those kids in my mind might as well be our nephews since I have known them since they were 2 and 3 as has the rest of the family. Well my nasty SIL I guess refuses to treat them the same since they aren't technically her kids. Since our relationships have all changed she has had a last minute excuse why she can't go to the boys birthdays for the last 3 years. That's 6 birthdays between both boys she has skipped. Well MIL is no better. She hasn't attended one of them either. Now I mentioned DH has 2 biological sisters at the beginning. He also has an adopted sister in a wheel chair who has some other health issues. So every party that mean SIL doesn"t attend MIL will pull that adopted sister is sick and they can"t go. So DH and I are the only family from his side that are a part of these boys lives.
now fast forward to my shower which is tomorrow. SIL I don't have a close relationship with and MIL AREN'T coming now. MIL called my mom today to tell her adopted sister is sick and SILs husbands grandmother passed away and they have the wake or funeral. I know you can"t plan this and its really crappy but it just seems like its always something. A few things here: Not clear if it is the wake or funeral but wakes are typically afternoon and evening. My shower is as noon. If its the funeral then they are usually around 9am. I feel like if she wanted to she could be there been for a little bit. This is her first biological nephew and she hasn.t supported us at all and now to make zero effort to try to attend even a little of this just kind of seals the deal for me with her. She has shown she doesn't care about anyone other then her and her 2 kids and her mom - hasn't ever asked how I am doing/feeling you get the point.
as for MIL as soon as I heard the one sister's wasn't going I said in my head, well bet that means MIL won't go. Yup without fail....his disabled sister is sick. Weird that last weekend, her b day, when she didn't feel well and we were up for presents and cake and I expressed concern over catching something at this point in my pregnancy I got "oh no its just her allergies" so we can come. And weird that yesterday she and DH were on the phone and she didn't mention her not feeling well but this morning she was sick enough that she knew she had to cancel. I might sound insensitive and if so, so be it but I am about to have a melt down or just an explosion. In my pregnant head I am thinking 'this is your son's first baby, your grandchild...you send the message that your daughter at home is more important then your other children when you repeatedly miss milestones in their lives all the time because his sister is "under the weather". Why can't my LO's own grandmother have someone in the fam not going to the shower come stay with sick SIL so she can attend her DILs baby shower for a couple hours? Am I insensitive for thinking that is a reasonable expectation?
by the way the location of the shower was chosen with SIL and MILs distance as a determining factor since they live out in the boonies we picked as convenient of a place to them as was reasonable. And now the very people we tried to accommodate aren't attending at all and my mom and bff could have held it at a restaurant closer and more convenient for them and my side of the fam. I have a friend driving 2 hours to attend with her 6 month old and my sister and BIL who work on Saturdays taking off and driving 5 hours but these 2 can't squeeze us in. I know this is spiteful but I will be keeping this in my back pocket when they want to visit LO or want us to bring LO to them for visits.
I am mad and upset, sad and hurt beyond belief. I don't want to say anything to DH because he told me he was really mad at them and I am sure it hurts his feelings that we are never a priority but I don't know how to handle all these feelings either. I feel like the only grandkids that will ever matter to her are SIL's. I just know my son will never be treated the way they are. Being pregnant and emotional doesn't help I am sure, but I feel like tomorrow is now less special and its just ruined the whole mood for me.
thanks for letting me get all that out ladies
This discussion has been closed.
Re: IL's bail on shower 24 hrs before
I understand your feelings are hurt, and mine would be too. But you need to let this crap go. Your SIL and MIL have chosen their priorities and demonstrated them accordingly, now it's time for you to move on. Stop trying to accommodate them, stop expecting them to show up, treat it as a nice surprise if they're there, but don't plan for it.
At the end of the day, you can't control what other people do, you can only change how you react to them. Stop giving your MIL and SIL power over you, and focus on the loving, supportive family you do have.
thanks! I honestly wish we could just cut them out and be done with it but his mom will act like she cares and wants go be involved and then miss the big things I wish she was either in all the way or out all the way so it would make it cut and dry.
I do appreciate your kick in the a$$ to not let this get to me too much
This, exactly. Enjoy all of those wonderful people who are coming to celebrate you and your baby, and breathe a sigh of relief that the people who might cause drama won't be there to stress you out.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that!!! Like PP said, try to not let it get to you anymore since it's obviously not going to change. However, I can DEFINITELY feel your pain, and I know it's still hard not to get upset over how people act. Especially when you try to accommodate them.
My ILs are sweet people, but they just make little effort for most things. And DH just has two brothers- so lets not even go there. :P I'm kind of like you, and just put things in my 'back pocket' and remember it for later. Maybe it's not the right thing to hold 'grudges' or whatever you want to call it, but it's very understandable. Why give someone 100%, when they only give you 25?
Just enjoy your shower tomorrow with the people who WANT to be there- those are the only ones that truly matter anyways.
Child #1 June 2012
Child #2 Feb 2014
Child #3 Feb 16
BFP 3/9/17
I totally get being upset but to be honest you'll have a better time without them there. I hate when families act like butt-holes, either by not attending or attending and not mingling then later act like people didn't like them because they didn't come talk to them...whateva.
Have fun at your shower tomorrow and don't give them a second thought.
Wow! And here I felt like I was the only one dealing with the SIL and MIL drama .... I feel your pain - and that is exactly what it is.... It hurts to see your husband's own mother and sister choose not to be a part of his and your life.... And you are allowed to feel that way. My MIL and SIL were given 2 months notice on when the shower was ( because we really wanted them there) and we had to rearrange our shower date for them..... and neither showed
What I learned is that some people will never be happy. If they want to be miserable and miss out on major milestones in life - let them. Keep your head up and enjoy your life with your husband! Do not let negative / nasty people bring you down. Congrats on the shower - hope it was beautiful !!