J&A
Littlejen22
member
I had to start this separate bc the other one is going off a little but at what point is a parent no longer responsible for providing a roof over their kids head? And what rules would need to be followed before you told them they needed to live outside of your house, not saying you would cut off emotional support but they cannot live wih you? I am serious, I want to hear your answers. Oh, and we will ignor whose fault it is that your SSs or DS turned out this way, the answers are about how you deal with it.
I will provide some questions but want your list too:
1. Can they do drugs, Xanax, pot, crack, heroin, other? You offer help and they say they are an adult and can do what they want, do you still let them stay with you? You and DH has an oops baby in 15 years and have a 1yo in the house, does that change anything?
2. They steal from you and will not even promise to never do it again?
3. They are I. Their 20s and are convicted of domestic abuse?
4. They are almost 30 and get arrested for drug trafficking? And you have your young oops baby at home?
5. They are in their 20s threaten to hurt your young oops child?
6. They are in their 20a and threaten to hurt you or you DH?
7. They are in their 20s and threaten to sabbotage your home business?
8. They graduate from high school and refuse to go to college or other school and also refuse to get a job, their only money would be what their friends give them or what they "earn" pawning stolen goods?
These are not exact situations of what people have been through on here but pretty close. And no one I am referring to had an oops baby but I am assuming you are not planning on having another baby in 15 years.
Re: J&A
I would never make a list. Do you begin all your relationships this way? I'll be your friend until you do x, y, or z. I'll be your daughter as long as you never ___________. I'll marry you, and be your lifepartner, but only as long as you follow my guidelines: a)..b)..c).
Do you see what I mean? Who thinks like this? I guess if your only goal is self-preservation and whatever is in it for you, you might.
I'll have to think about this some more, but the whole idea seems odd, and you'd have to have a very skewed outlook on your life to attempt a list like this. Your family isn't about weighing everything on a scale to make sure it's all balanced. I believe parenthood (or being a daughter, wife, etc.) is a privilege from God and a great responsibility. It's not something I'd make plans to walk away from.
ETA: If you're a Christian, your responsibility towards your spouse is even greater than just the legal ties the state puts on you. The example given is that the relationship between the husband and wife is to be like Jesus Christ and the body of the church. It's not about a perfect relationship, but one built on love, forgiveness, and self-sacrifice. Those should be the guiding principles in a family, I believe.
Back to your point about my SS or DS. I know I've mentioned that it's said there's a possibility that they'd have a propensity towards addiction. I've heard the same about me with alcohol since my father was an alcoholic. However, I've also said I believe the main factor is environment, not genetics. Sure, my SSs may have some biological factors that might allow them to more easily become drug addicts, but if they ever allow something like that into their bodies in the first place, I'd blame myself.
If you plan to blame yourself for everything that your kids ever do wrong as long as they live, I think you are in for a pretty rough life. Doesn't your god offer free will to all?
J&A, of course I do not enter relationships like that. And my parents were happilyarried for 50 years and I had a good childhood so I am not generally a cynical person. But you seem to think that all parents should put up with anything that is thrown their way. While you are willing to be a doormat (not saying you are today but seem willing if the opportunity arises) bc you promised to love, honor and obey, I will teach my kids that there are se rules/laws they cannot break and still live with me. And I did not have a list before a few of those specific things happened which is where I got this list (and i added a few from Jt but I can promise you that when a Therapist and police officer asked me what she had to agree to in order to come home those simple basic rules began.
I do not understand how you do not understand that some people would reach a lot given any or all the above.
I never made a list either. But I had to make firm boundaries. I tried the Christian "love" thing to.
Funny thing is...in my husband's family they see that as a sign of weakness and an opportunity.
The other funny thing is...my pastor thinks that I have every right to stand my ground and say no and put my foot down.
And yet another hilarious thing. He knows about DH's previous marriages. While concerned I was not a bit more discerning, he completely understands why I love him and chose to not judge him.
I know she can't see this but I still find her to be quite ridiculous.
I'm not sure how this is part of the conversation, or how you've interpreted my answer to say this is acceptable.
I'm just trying to follow in the footsteps of my mother, honestly. She never hesitated to tell me she was wrong when she had lost her cool and spoke in the heat of the moment or failed to prepare me for something she felt she could have taught me ahead of time.
I'm trying to raise my kids like she raised me. She was an open book as far as what she knew of the world, and consequently I was able to avoid a lot of things, but I know she feels she had faults she could have corrected, lol, like any parent could be perfect.
Almost every week she tells me what a great mother I am and says she's sorry for not being a better one to me. She says it laughingly, but I think she might be slightly serious, too. I know she's had earnest talks with me about what she would have done better. I'm trying to be as good as she is, but I don't have her patience or temperment, not by a long shot. She teaches courses in child development and adult/child interactions, so I think using her as a role model sets the bar pretty high.
I've been criticized before when I've mentioned my mother. Some people think I was coddled or whatever, but it wasn't like that, really. I did chores, I excelled in school, and I stayed out of trouble. That's pretty much all I want for my kids.
So, I'm hoping feeling responsible for how they turn out doesn't lead to the rough life you're imagining! Some days are rough, for sure, but overall, I'm optimistic.
J&A, unless you were here under a different username, you weren't here long enough for a 30 year old to have been under 18. The 20 something maybe as a late teen - but by then they can be already messed up enough that nothing a new SM (or adoptive parent) does is going to necessarily help. Neither of them were children.
With regards to the parable, I think you should read it again. He knew the servants had something to eat & he hoped to be allowed back in as a servant if he begged forgiveness. He had no idea whether his apology would be accepted or not.
In the Old Testament people also had full forgiveness from God for their sins - Job referenced it, as did others. God used a regular symbolic sacrifice to remind them of this & they needed to believe, repent & accept the same as we do in order to receive it.
But there were, are & always will be earthly consequences for all of our actions. God continued to use consequences even after Christ's death & ressurection (Ananias & Sapphira come to mind). It seems to me like you are confusing forgiveness of sin & being saved from eternal consequences of that with the fact that here on earth we still have to deal with the fallout of what we've done.
Lastly, God does not hold us responsible for the actions of our adult children - Ezekiel 18:20.
Apparently she would tell them to turn the other cheek for the millionth time.
Yes, I am capable of considering other points of view beyond my own. This is exactly why I responded to j+k's first post. She got plenty of support for her position. I simply asked about considering things from her H's point of view. Is that so wrong or unheard of that it's caused such an uproar?
I think your question above is directed at the wrong person, really.
She means that you should be asking J to consider what it is like for her DH
Sorry, it is a vague generalization. I felt like the only person who pointed out that there's another side to the coin, and another parent trying to do right by his children, which was clearly the unpopular and wrong opinion. I don't feel like I'm being close-minded or unsympathetic because I'm considering j+k's husband's POV. I feel like it's worth bringing up.
Yes, I have considered j+k's POV and it's not that I can really put myself in her shoes since I've not been in her situation. I have put myself in her husband's situation, in my head, with my own children (and yes, step, but I know my relationship is closer to a "BM" POV than j+k's "SM" POV) and where he's at is incredibly hard. I wouldn't want my spouse to leave me, especially at a crossroads like that.
Early on in our relationship, not really related to anything in these posts about drugs, criminal activity, etc, DH made a joke about kicking the boys out when they turned 18. We were just dating at that point, and I looked him square in the eye and said, "they can come live with me, then."
Anyways, sorry for the longgggg explanation to a simple sentence. I guess: "All of you" was who I meant.
I think the bolded is part of the problem. He's not trying to "do right" by ALL his children - just the ones he perceives as 'needing' him right now. To an enabler the feeling of being needed is like a drug. It may not have a chemical high, but it has an emotional one. It is a toxic, cyclical relationship between the needy & the needed that damages both, as well as anyone else caught in the situation. The enabling means the other person will never move forward out of their problems - ensuring that the enabler continues to get their emotional "high".
Or more succinctly, it's not about 'helping his kids', that's a front he is using to excuse his behavior. It's about him feeling special, needed, powerful and/or good about himself.
Gewnillian - you are exactly correct.
And I'm about sick of her using Jesus to justify her comments.
First she does not remember me, then now she claims to remember me since my SK's were children. She clearly does not know who I am or my care to know or understand my situation.
And frankly...I no longer care. I refuse to waste anymore time with someone who is obviously trying to cover their ass with the bible.
I hope J&A does me one favor - prays for my husband. Not me. Not DD. Pray for DH and his step kids. They need it. Not me. DD and I will be just fine.