Frustrated w/ DH & Resentful of BM
Hi ladies. I've been around here for a while and though I don't think anyone would know who I am, I know enough people irl that lurk and don't really want this coming back to bite me. So here's the backstory.
I have been with DH for 8 years now. We are the CP to my teenage SS and toddler DS. SS & I get along well most of the time but I'm extremely resentful of BM. She has never given us a dime in CS and DH will not get a CO or ask for CS. He claims that if he tries to get her to pay she will just take custody of SS because "the Mom is always favored." It seems pointless to fight that battle since BM has never (in the years DH has known her) had a job.
My issue is that even though I know we'd never get a dime out of her, I immediately get mad at her every time a big expense comes up (SS has had and will need much more dental work.) I think ?Well if BM got a job she could help pay for it.? Or when I have terrible mommy guilt about working full time I think ?Well if BM would help support SS then I could be a SAHM.? It really gets to me that I work full time to support our family while she stays home with her youngest.
Beyond the CS issue DH & I have come to a head many times regarding his parenting (or lack thereof) SS. I think he?s a pushover and he thinks I?m too hard on SS. I?m really not too hard on him. SS may have to stay back this year because he is failing 2 different classes. I think that his guilt over the ?difficult life? SS has had is really just setting him up for a much harder life when he goes out into the real world.
So needless to say we?re having a tough time. I?m going to start talking to someone on my own and may one day invite DH & or SS to come to a session. I?d like to find a therapist that works with step parent/child issues. Is there a good resource to check out or do I just google the names of the local therapists that my insurance suggests? Any suggestions for dealing with my anger towards BM or frustration towards DHs parenting? I think you guys give great advice and really appreciate any input. TIA!
Re: Frustrated w/ DH & Resentful of BM
Ugh....this is bringing me nasty flashbacks of my SS and my DH.
Blame your DH - he never fought it in court. Without doing it, he would never know if the judge would make her pay or not. Speculation is just that. I agree you should get couples counseling and individual counseling.
You can't help that she's a douchebag and not helping support her son. As for your DH doing his job and taking financial responsibility of his son's needs, this is what he's supposed to do anyway.
In my case - SS lived with us for 7 years - BM didn't pay a dime, and DH never took her to court. Fast forward to now - SS moved out after he turned 18. BM is now paying for the graduation invites and who knows what else.
In the end - now that the end has happened for us - does it really matter? Does anyone care I personally went above and beyond? Probably not. Is there a prize at the end of the rainbow? Nope.
Learn to let it go and live your life. Stop worrying about her.
The court system is a B!TCH, to put it plainly. I understand your frustrations, but he may be right, sadly.
Three years of a custody battle with a BM who had lost custody of her children TWICE to the state for drugs and DV, and was arrested for drug possession while the custody battle was going on, still was repeatedly granted EOW unsupervised visits and long summer and winter break visits.
When she offered to settle out of court in exchange for not paying c/s, we took it. The judge was that hell-bent on making a mother out of a drug addict with an alcoholic, abusive boyfriend that we didn't trust our chances in front of her.
To top it off, we had tens of thousands of dollars of attorney fees from this while she got a lawyer for free from legal aid.
I know it has to burn that you work and she stays home. I've never been in that boat since when I was working, BM was working, too, but she always argued I had no business butting in to parenting issues, but also that she shouldn't have to pay c/s since she was a single income household and we had two incomes (this was before our LO). I could pay for her kids, but I couldn't be active in raising them. ::eyeroll::
As far as therapy/academics, yes, get him the help he needs. He needs to be in therapy. Tell your DH he needs it. Then the therapist can be there to work out the issues from his past, and DH can go back to being a parent instead of trying to compensate and be a friend.
Then ask his school: teachers, specialists, whoever you can get an appt. with to sit down together and map out a plan for his academic success. Some options: summer school, extra work to take home for the summer, special ed. qualifications, testing, etc.
This is great to hear. I'm glad others have positive stories about a dad's odds in court.
Thanks all for the support. To answer some questions- he has asked for help before (not through the courts) and she says she can't do it. I know she & her bf can't even take care of themselves right now. It's not about the money that we'd get (It wouldn't come close to me quitting my job.) It's the part about her living in my head rent free that I need to work on.
I'll go to therapy and talk to DH about putting SS in. I don't know if he'll do it or not but I think that is a very good idea. I just can't do it for him. DH needs to stop being a friend and start being a parent. It's only going to get harder for SS and push me further away.
I really do appreciate all the input. It feels better just talking about it honestly. :-) Thanks
I feel the exact same was about BM and DH said she threatened to regain custody after he mentioned A financial contribution. He came for Christmas break 4 1/2 years ago and ended up staying. They don't have a CO but I know BM was just bluffing. She sees him once every couple of months. When SS was living with her, he payed CS ( which he set up himself), saw him EOW, had him every holiday and bought whatever she said he needed. When the tables turned i thought she would at least contribute regularly. Boy was I wrong. I was so pissed when DH was unemployed and we were living off one income with an infant. I was even working at night a couple days a week to make ends meet. When I would bring up the subject he would tell me what she didn't have. I didn't care, I was concerned with what our kids didn't have. I said all that to say that I just have to pretend she doesn't exist. Once I didn't have an expectation from her, I was able to come to terms with the situation. I don't believe anyone should bring a child ino his world at not at the very least, contribute financially. It's hard but there wasn't anything I could do about the situation.