I don't know what to do...

binklesss · April 2012

First off, I'm sorry for what I'm sure will be a long, rambling, depressing post that no one but me probably cares about...

My husband and I have been together for 14 years - since I was 14 and he was 15. We've been married almost 7 years, and I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby - a little girl.

About a month ago, my husband was getting really distant, which for a while I thought was just him being tired/stressed from starting a new job working a lot more hours than he used to. When I finally realized it was something else, I made him talk to me, and he basically told me that he hasn't been happy in our relationship for a while and that I'm never going to be the type of person he wants. Basically we don't have any common interests and don't enjoy doing the same types of things. He said he wanted to try and work it out if we could, and I did all I could to make sure we could do things he enjoys - spending more time outside, hanging out with other people, etc.

Things got better for a couple of days, and one day I saw that he had left his email logged in. I knew I shouldn't, and that I should leave well enough alone, but when things were bad I was concerned that there was someone else involved, so I went looking for trouble. I saw that he had been chatting with a girl, and that he had chatted with a good friend who basically told him that whatever his issue with me was, he needed to get over it because we were going to have a baby. I asked him about what had happened, because I felt that there was something more with this other girl than chatting, but he assured me that it was just chatting/flirting online, that they never met (after they started flirting online anyway, he knew her previously), and that they had decided it was inappropriate and they needed to stop. I decided I could get over that and thought it was just anxiety about the upcoming baby, and we actually seemed to be quite happy for 2 or 3 weeks.

Last night when I got home from work, he said we needed to talk. He still wasn't happy - he had gotten excited about the baby so tried to deal with his issues with me but it's just been so overwhelming that he can't focus on work. He doesn't feel like I have passion...we rarely fight and he thinks it's because I lack passion. He feels like we don't have things to talk about, and doesn't like that I don't like to debate just to debate. He thinks that his partner should be his main source of social interaction, so he doesn't feel like those are things he can get from other friends. He's been trying to figure out what to do, because he wants to be there for the baby, but he just doesn't think I'm ever going to be what he wants. We can't sell the house because we'd lose tons of money on it which we can't afford, and we can't afford for one of us to have a separate place, so the only solution he could come up with is that we both live here with the baby but not be "together", but he doesn't see how that can work either.

So, needless to say, I'm devastated. I understand where he's coming from. We don't have much in common. He likes guns and talking about his job, which I don't understand half the time, I like crafts and decorating. I don't have strong opinions about a lot of things, like politics. He thinks passion while arguing is throwing a bloody mary in each other's face (something a friend did, and he just thinks it's great), but I'm scared to get that intense when fighting, because when things got that intense in my house growing up, people were throwing ceramic dishes at each other, and that's not something I'm willing to expose my kids to, but something I'm afraid I'd end up resorting to. (Depression/bipolar disorder runs in my family and I've dealt with depression in the past.)

I realize that none of this makes me sound great either. It's all made me realize that I basically have the personality of a potato and I can't see why anyone would ever want to be with someone like that. I don't think any of his feelings are wrong, but sometimes I feel it's really selfish for him to be bringing it up at this point in time. At the same time, I want him to be happy, but it's going to kill me if that means we're not together.

I don't know how to do this on my own. I don't really know how to do anything on my own. But mostly, I want my baby to have a mom and dad who love her and love each other. I don't want her to have to deal with step-parents and weekend visits and all that crap.

He told me that he still loves me, and that he's willing to try couples counseling to see if that could help, but it really seems like he's made up his mind that it won't.

Again, I'm sorry for this post and I don't know what I expect anyone here to be able to do or say, but I just don't know what else to do.

stacyn99 · April 2012

Im very sorry you are going through this while you are pregnant and this is suppose to be an exciting time in your life. I am also 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby girl and I couldn't imagine going through what you are going through. I personally think you should attempt couples counseling. I think if you didn't, that you would regret it. You guys have invested a lot of time into each other and into your relationship and with a baby coming, I think you should give it all you got and try one more time for that little baby. Then, if it doesn't work then you make a plan to live seperate lives. I'm a religious person, so my advice is pray about it!! I sure hope things get better for you.

stripedphoenix · April 2012

It sounds to me like your husband has some very irrational expectations for your relationship. Unfortunately, they're not uncommon. Passion, drama, excitement are not what make a good relationship. Shared interests ARE important but it is hard to find two people who have NOTHING in common. It seems like he is expressing boredom and a desire for excitement and frankly, that is not what a solid relationship is built on. Communication, self-sacrifice, patience, love, encouragement, humility and forgiveness are the things I have seen in loving, lasting relationships.

Maybe it is difficult because you have been together since you were so young and perhaps avoided learning some lessons along the way about these things, but anyone who goes out seeking the thrills he is looking for, can easily find them and they are not the things that fulfill. There are a lot of young men and women out there that thing marriage is all about love and romance and passion and really, they're just seeking drama and excitement to fulfill something that is lacking in them. They need to reset their objectives and get a mature, clear understand of the things that are truly valuable in this life - a spouse that loves you, a child that you have been blessed to parent, interior growth (some may call it spiritual growth), and learn a little humility. Life is short. The rest is so worthless.

I encourage you to develop an interest in his work, to find activities that you can enjoy together and to definitely seek couples counseling. But any man that is chatting with a girl online and wants you two to debate/argue passionately is thinking selfishly and looking for a thrill. Its an immature desire and it will be up to him to grow up and realize that commitment, friendship, and intimacy are the lifeblood of a healthy marriage.

You are not abnormal for not wanting to fight passionately, yell, throw things, debate for the sake of debate - why would anyone want to invite stress and drama into their home - there is enough of it in this world. You do not have the personality of a potato. You are a normal, healthy woman (with, I'm sure, your own shortcomings, as we all have) with interests and hobbies that are not boring. Your husband needs to re-evaluate his expectations of marriage and a wife and make some changes. Otherwise, he will be left alone with his immaturity, filling whatever void he has with the next thrill. God bless you in this, I'm sorry you're going through it. You're (all 3) in my prayers.

I know, I'm writing SUCH a long reply.

ETA: This coming from a woman whose husband is in a band whose concerts she doesn't even attend (not my kind of music), who is obsessed with ethnic and gourmet cooking (whose husband would happily eat a potato every night), who does crafts and hobbies for fun (whose husband enjoys totally different activities), has totally different taste in movies, books, tv from the husband...We go on walks, we read our own books in bed together, I watch his Lost DVD, I make him watch my favorite BBC show or ridiculous British period piece. We eat dinner together. We talk about the things that are on our hearts and minds. We don't need debate and politics and arguments to keep our love life interesting or even to be each other's dearest friend. We just need love and, again, a little humility. Not saying we are perfect...I just don't think anyone truly needs the things he is looking for to have a successful and happy marriage.

Laruen · April 2012

I am so sorry for you.

If he is willing to try couples counseling it doesn't seem like his mind is made up. It seem like he wants to try everything.

This is not onesided maybe you can find one thing that you are both into. I think that you should also be more open with each other and both of you try to do something that the other is into.

I really do hope that things get better for you.

kelnyc · April 2012

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My only advice is to take him up on the couple's counseling offer and get some individual counseling for yourself. GL to you.

Andreabks · April 2012

I would strongly suggest couples counseling to begin with.

DH and I have many things we do separatly. He was a speech and debate person through college, and i hate arguing at all costs... we learned along the way that we have to communicate differently. (he and his friends argue for the sake of arguing, but it just isn't me).

i'm sorry you're going throught his right now. find a good family therapist you can trust to help you both come to the best decision for your family. ((HUGS!))

Tayrusso · April 2012

****hugs****

I am very sorry you are going through this. I have been separated from my husband for the past four months, and this last month we've been trying to reconcile. So I completely understand and relate to what you are feeling. My advice is to go to couples and individual therapy, read The Love Dare and Love Languages, watch Fireproof, and find a hobby that you both enjoy (church, hiking, etc).

mishfull · April 2012

I guess a few things:

1. Living together but being separated isn't going to work - the first time one of you brings a date home or wants to bail on watching the baby to go out you'll realize that. It's like he wants his cake and to eat it too - he can go do what he wants but knows you're home and his kid is there.

2. Usually in these situations I wonder why on earth a child was brought into this relationship - maybe a question to bring up to him. I can't think he just magically became unhappy since BFP. Did he think a baby would make things better?

3. My husband and I are very different, he likes his guns and I don't understand his job either! He plays video games and watches sci fi shows - I don't mind that part but I wouldn't say I'd sit down and watch Game of Thrones pre-dating him. I, like you, enjoy my crafts, decorating, watching rom-coms. But we find that common ground - things we both enjoy doing.

4. I think you guys (meaning him) are jumping to a last resort - why not go away for a weekend? spend more time talking? go to a counselor? It sounds like he's unhappy and instead of trying to work things out that he's talking with other girls and wants to end your relationship - my guess is there's more going on that you guys need to get out in the open.

I think your husband is being a tool, but marriage is a partnership - he needs to open up and be honest but you both need to be willing to take the extra steps to make it work. A friend of mine was having marriage trouble, 2 kids already, and her husband actually moved out, seemed like it was a good wake up call for them both. Not sure if that's an option but maybe one of you leaving for a few weeks to allow time to sort things out and think would help. Either way, GL

stripedphoenix · April 2012

Tayrusso:
Love Languages

seconding this book. i feel like i will be working at this forever and i rarely get it right, but understanding how people give/receive love is REALLY important in marriage.

CoUnTryBB1 · April 2012

Sorry that is a lot to handle especially while being pg. I would definately do the counseling, it can't hurt. Also, try to keep an open mind, at least you are communicating about it so that is a positive thing and alot people don't ever get that far. I hope that things work out for you.

LeanneOfHonour · April 2012

stripedphoenix:
Tayrusso:
Love Languages
seconding this book. i feel like i will be working at this forever and i rarely get it right, but understanding how people give/receive love is REALLY important in marriage.

Thirding the book. We are new in our marriage, but received it as a gift, and are very thankful for it. Sometimes I show love toward my husband in a way that he does not understand, or even perceive as love, and vise versa. This book showed us our differences and helped us to understand each other more. After six years of being in love, we are still beginners in learning how to express and understand each other. I think counselling will help too! The fact that he is very willing to go, is GREAT! That means he still really loves you and wants to fix your relationship, which is huge. I can not imagine how stressful this must be for you, and I won't even pretend to try- but I will pray for you! I believe that life only throws at you what you can handle, and you are going to be one strong and brave mama for your little baby girl, and wife to your husband. HUGE hugs!

sadeathe · April 2012

stripedphoenix:
Tayrusso:
Love Languages
seconding this book. i feel like i will be working at this forever and i rarely get it right, but understanding how people give/receive love is REALLY important in marriage.

My husband rarely follows my love language (words of affirmation), but I know that every time he does something for me (acts of service) he is saying that he loves me because that is his love language. Just being aware of the love languages has really helped me to appreciate what he is silently saying.

OP, I hope that the two of you can work this out. I would definitely talk to a counselor. Work through what your expectations are for him and what his expectations are of you. God bless your family.

sdlaura · April 2012

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said by other posters....but I do think it's relevant that you've been married for 7 years. 7 years is a common period of time to re-evaluate a marriage (the "7-year itch"). I hope for your sake that it is just a phase of adjusting to what marriage and life in general is like, and that you can get through it.

TNWifey · April 2012

stacyn99:
Im very sorry you are going through this while you are pregnant and this is suppose to be an exciting time in your life. I am also 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby girl and I couldn't imagine going through what you are going through. I personally think you should attempt couples counseling. I think if you didn't, that you would regret it. You guys have invested a lot of time into each other and into your relationship and with a baby coming, I think you should give it all you got and try one more time for that little baby. Then, if it doesn't work then you make a plan to live seperate lives. I'm a religious person, so my advice is pray about it!! I sure hope things get better for you.

.

This.

Lou&Beth · April 2012

I'm really sorry you're going through this. One positive thing I'd like to point out is that your DH seems to be still communicating with you, so that makes me think counseling would be a really good move for you two right now. Also, I'd suggest you guys find someone and start going very soon. It's better to get talking with someone that can help as soon as the problem is noticed by one of you.

To offer some hope, my DH and I were having problems similar to yours and counseling really helped! We are so much happier together now than even in the beginning of dating. One of the big concepts we learned about is for a relationship to work both people need to learn selflessness. Do things for your spouse even when you don't feel like it.

One thing that I think would be good to talk to your DH about is a realistic time frame to work within, I don't think it's really giving a fair chance to expect some drastic amazing changes in a couple of weeks or a month. It really does a relationship a lot of good when both people make a conscious effort to take interest in things the other person likes, it shouldn't just be an effort on your part. You are not a boring person just because you don't love the things your husband enjoys. Just because you don't throw things at your DH when you disagree with him doesn't mean you aren't a passionate person, you just need to share with him the things you are passionate about. If he has things he likes to talk with you about like work or hobbies, just try to take interest in it and ask questions about what you don't understand. I know the things I've suggested won't cure your relationship overnight, but that is what has been very helpful to me and my DH. ( Also, it was important for my DH to gain a realistic expectation for me, and that seemed to come better from someone other than me.)It wasn't easy for us at first, but with time those good habits have become natural and we're both really happy.

Archhig · April 2012

stripedphoenix:
It sounds to me like your husband has some very irrational expectations for your relationship. Unfortunately, they're not uncommon. Passion, drama, excitement are not what make a good relationship. Shared interests ARE important but it is hard to find two people who have NOTHING in common. It seems like he is expressing boredom and a desire for excitement and frankly, that is not what a solid relationship is built on. Communication, self-sacrifice, patience, love, encouragement, humility and forgiveness are the things I have seen in loving, lasting relationships.
Maybe it is difficult because you have been together since you were so young and perhaps avoided learning some lessons along the way about these things, but anyone who goes out seeking the thrills he is looking for, can easily find them and they are not the things that fulfill. There are a lot of young men and women out there that thing marriage is all about love and romance and passion and really, they're just seeking drama and excitement to fulfill something that is lacking in them. They need to reset their objectives and get a mature, clear understand of the things that are truly valuable in this life - a spouse that loves you, a child that you have been blessed to parent, interior growth (some may call it spiritual growth), and learn a little humility. Life is short. The rest is so worthless.
I encourage you to develop an interest in his work, to find activities that you can enjoy together and to definitely seek couples counseling. But any man that is chatting with a girl online and wants you two to debate/argue passionately is thinking selfishly and looking for a thrill. Its an immature desire and it will be up to him to grow up and realize that commitment, friendship, and intimacy are the lifeblood of a healthy marriage.
You are not abnormal for not wanting to fight passionately, yell, throw things, debate for the sake of debate - why would anyone want to invite stress and drama into their home - there is enough of it in this world. You do not have the personality of a potato. You are a normal, healthy woman (with, I'm sure, your own shortcomings, as we all have) with interests and hobbies that are not boring. Your husband needs to re-evaluate his expectations of marriage and a wife and make some changes. Otherwise, he will be left alone with his immaturity, filling whatever void he has with the next thrill. God bless you in this, I'm sorry you're going through it. You're (all 3) in my prayers.
I know, I'm writing SUCH a long reply.
ETA: This coming from a woman whose husband is in a band whose concerts she doesn't even attend (not my kind of music), who is obsessed with ethnic and gourmet cooking (whose husband would happily eat a potato every night), who does crafts and hobbies for fun (whose husband enjoys totally different activities), has totally different taste in movies, books, tv from the husband...We go on walks, we read our own books in bed together, I watch his Lost DVD, I make him watch my favorite BBC show or ridiculous British period piece. We eat dinner together. We talk about the things that are on our hearts and minds. We don't need debate and politics and arguments to keep our love life interesting or even to be each other's dearest friend. We just need love and, again, a little humility. Not saying we are perfect...I just don't think anyone truly needs the things he is looking for to have a successful and happy marriage.

there is absolutely nothing in this post that I do not 100% agree with!

Doll your husband might be freaking out a bit that your about to have a baby too. he might be feeling like his life is about to change (which it is) but the change is going to be great! the fact that you two probably know nothing more than each other is probably freaking him out and making him restless, non of which is acceptable husband/daddy behavior but it is not completely unheard of.

Go to him and ask him what his goals are. where does he see his life. is it at your daughters activity or wedding by himself with some random thrill of the week or is it by your side with the amazing family you guys have created together.

Put in the effort too! My hubby is all about trucks,I on the other hand could care less but I will go and lay under a truck with him and hand him tools just to be near him. make that passion in a simple way. it does not need to be fights initiated different things or ask if you can come along to things he is going to do and just let your hair down. you are more than enough and their is a reason you fell in love at 14 find that same simple love and just let it regrow!

you three will be fine dont let him tell you there is no passion left by just rolling over on your marriage you will do amazing and one day you may just look back at this and be thankful it almost fell apart because you now know how precious it is!

my prayers are with you and your family!

Lou&Beth · April 2012

stripedphoenix:
It sounds to me like your husband has some very irrational expectations for your relationship. Unfortunately, they're not uncommon. Passion, drama, excitement are not what make a good relationship. Shared interests ARE important but it is hard to find two people who have NOTHING in common. It seems like he is expressing boredom and a desire for excitement and frankly, that is not what a solid relationship is built on. Communication, self-sacrifice, patience, love, encouragement, humility and forgiveness are the things I have seen in loving, lasting relationships.
Maybe it is difficult because you have been together since you were so young and perhaps avoided learning some lessons along the way about these things, but anyone who goes out seeking the thrills he is looking for, can easily find them and they are not the things that fulfill. There are a lot of young men and women out there that thing marriage is all about love and romance and passion and really, they're just seeking drama and excitement to fulfill something that is lacking in them. They need to reset their objectives and get a mature, clear understand of the things that are truly valuable in this life - a spouse that loves you, a child that you have been blessed to parent, interior growth (some may call it spiritual growth), and learn a little humility. Life is short. The rest is so worthless.
I encourage you to develop an interest in his work, to find activities that you can enjoy together and to definitely seek couples counseling. But any man that is chatting with a girl online and wants you two to debate/argue passionately is thinking selfishly and looking for a thrill. Its an immature desire and it will be up to him to grow up and realize that commitment, friendship, and intimacy are the lifeblood of a healthy marriage.
You are not abnormal for not wanting to fight passionately, yell, throw things, debate for the sake of debate - why would anyone want to invite stress and drama into their home - there is enough of it in this world. You do not have the personality of a potato. You are a normal, healthy woman (with, I'm sure, your own shortcomings, as we all have) with interests and hobbies that are not boring. Your husband needs to re-evaluate his expectations of marriage and a wife and make some changes. Otherwise, he will be left alone with his immaturity, filling whatever void he has with the next thrill. God bless you in this, I'm sorry you're going through it. You're (all 3) in my prayers.
I know, I'm writing SUCH a long reply.
ETA: This coming from a woman whose husband is in a band whose concerts she doesn't even attend (not my kind of music), who is obsessed with ethnic and gourmet cooking (whose husband would happily eat a potato every night), who does crafts and hobbies for fun (whose husband enjoys totally different activities), has totally different taste in movies, books, tv from the husband...We go on walks, we read our own books in bed together, I watch his Lost DVD, I make him watch my favorite BBC show or ridiculous British period piece. We eat dinner together. We talk about the things that are on our hearts and minds. We don't need debate and politics and arguments to keep our love life interesting or even to be each other's dearest friend. We just need love and, again, a little humility. Not saying we are perfect...I just don't think anyone truly needs the things he is looking for to have a successful and happy marriage.

Agreed!

Also, I get that people get bored but he is jumping to a drastic solution. If he wants excitement in your relationship, he should surprise you with a nice date night or something....he could try to do things to spark your passionate side instead of saying hurtful things about your personality.

babypaloozyvan · April 2012

So sorry you re going through this at an already stressful time. Do you have family/support/friends at home you can talk to, vent to, or just even escape to? Please know that although it seems terrible now, that everything does happen with good reason and God has given you a blessing with your LO. Please find some support close to you and know to that their are others out there praying for you! Stay strong for you and your baby!

mindymaske · April 2012

SEE A THERAPIST, they will have so many different ideas and things to try that you can't even begin to come up with.

ken&jennifer · April 2012

let me add to the *hug* chain.

Do you have a religious affiliation? If you're christian, have ever thought about Christianity, etc, there is a pastor named Mark Gungor who has a series called "laugh your way to a better marriage" that I know has helped a lot of people (it's a video series that a lot of churches run) https://www.laughyourway.com/ (there are also plenty of clips of it on youtube)

There's also a great weekend retreat called "Weekend to Remember" that is all about marriage https://www.familylife.com/Weekend

I wish I could say more... Marriage is huge, difficult, and not exactly a temporary thing. It's worth investing in.xoxo

thoughts and prayers with you and your family!

binklesss · April 2012

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I really do appreciate it. I do feel like some of what he wants is unrealistic, but I know he has a point with a lot of it too. Prior to him starting his new job in January, I was pretty much a bump on the couch whenever I was home. He got home quite a bit earlier than I did so he was responsible for almost all the upkeep of the house, cooking dinner, etc. I know I should have done more then to help and to keep our relationship interesting, but I can't go back and change that now. Since he's started working so much more, I've done quite a bit of growing up and taking more responsibility for things. I just feel like at that time, it was me needing to step up and do more around the house, which I have tried very hard to do. Then it was trying to figure out things to do together, and I thought that was going well for a while, and now it's wanting these deep discussions all the time and all this fun and excitement, and with our schedules and a baby on the way and trying to keep up with the house, I'm frankly exhausted. I just feel like he has the upper hand here, because he's the one talking about leaving and I'm the one terrified, so I have to keep doing more and more. (Granted, I know that some of these things I should have been doing from the beginning and wasn't...) I just don't feel like I can tell him that he needs to make changes too, or that he needs to find a way to make himself happy, because if he's not happy with himself, he won't be happy with anyone, but I don't feel like he'll take it well. I'm trying to give him space to figure it out, but it seems like he's so down about everything, the more he thinks about it, the more negative and hopeless it becomes. And I'm scared that if I give him too much space, he will be able to find that excitement with someone else, even if for a short time before it fades away.

Reilly626 · April 2012

Ugh what a jerk! Run! And don't live together it's the worst! You are so young you will meet someone that loves you. Best of luck to you. I hope you find strength to move on.

AggieDaner · April 2012

You do not sound like a boring potato, HE sounds like someone who is very naive about what long term relationships are like. I think counseling is a great step to take. Just make sure you aren't just focusing on what you can do to convince him to stay with you. Counseling will also be a great tool for you to use to decide if this relationship is something YOU want to continue as well. You are an active half of this relationship, the power is in your hands as well. You don't just have to sit there and wait for him to make up his mind, your needs and wants matter just as much.

Whittyone12 · April 2012

I'm sorry you are going they this I can't imagine what it must be like for you. If he wants to try counseling I would go for it. In the mean time maybe you can both make a list of things you have never tried before and have always wanted to do. And then try them together maybe you can find something you both never knew you liked.

babyike · April 2012

stripedphoenix:
It sounds to me like your husband has some very irrational expectations for your relationship. Unfortunately, they're not uncommon. Passion, drama, excitement are not what make a good relationship. Shared interests ARE important but it is hard to find two people who have NOTHING in common. It seems like he is expressing boredom and a desire for excitement and frankly, that is not what a solid relationship is built on. Communication, self-sacrifice, patience, love, encouragement, humility and forgiveness are the things I have seen in loving, lasting relationships.
Maybe it is difficult because you have been together since you were so young and perhaps avoided learning some lessons along the way about these things, but anyone who goes out seeking the thrills he is looking for, can easily find them and they are not the things that fulfill. There are a lot of young men and women out there that thing marriage is all about love and romance and passion and really, they're just seeking drama and excitement to fulfill something that is lacking in them. They need to reset their objectives and get a mature, clear understand of the things that are truly valuable in this life - a spouse that loves you, a child that you have been blessed to parent, interior growth (some may call it spiritual growth), and learn a little humility. Life is short. The rest is so worthless.
I encourage you to develop an interest in his work, to find activities that you can enjoy together and to definitely seek couples counseling. But any man that is chatting with a girl online and wants you two to debate/argue passionately is thinking selfishly and looking for a thrill. Its an immature desire and it will be up to him to grow up and realize that commitment, friendship, and intimacy are the lifeblood of a healthy marriage.
You are not abnormal for not wanting to fight passionately, yell, throw things, debate for the sake of debate - why would anyone want to invite stress and drama into their home - there is enough of it in this world. You do not have the personality of a potato. You are a normal, healthy woman (with, I'm sure, your own shortcomings, as we all have) with interests and hobbies that are not boring. Your husband needs to re-evaluate his expectations of marriage and a wife and make some changes. Otherwise, he will be left alone with his immaturity, filling whatever void he has with the next thrill. God bless you in this, I'm sorry you're going through it. You're (all 3) in my prayers.
I know, I'm writing SUCH a long reply.
ETA: This coming from a woman whose husband is in a band whose concerts she doesn't even attend (not my kind of music), who is obsessed with ethnic and gourmet cooking (whose husband would happily eat a potato every night), who does crafts and hobbies for fun (whose husband enjoys totally different activities), has totally different taste in movies, books, tv from the husband...We go on walks, we read our own books in bed together, I watch his Lost DVD, I make him watch my favorite BBC show or ridiculous British period piece. We eat dinner together. We talk about the things that are on our hearts and minds. We don't need debate and politics and arguments to keep our love life interesting or even to be each other's dearest friend. We just need love and, again, a little humility. Not saying we are perfect...I just don't think anyone truly needs the things he is looking for to have a successful and happy marriage.

This is extremely well put, and I agree wholeheartedly. Yes Yes

Please seek out marital counseling and even individual therapy for yourselves to help work this out. I do think your husband's expectations seem unreasonable based on your comments, but I do not think that means he has already made up his mind completely yet. I am a marriage & family therapist, and I have worked with couples in all stages of their relationships. To me, just from your post alone, it sounds like the two of you really need someone to help you sort through your differences/issues/challenges. Wishing you both strength and positivity in your marriage right now.

Huge (((HUGS))) and T&Ps for you both and your LO

AmySmolos · April 2012

I'm so sorry this is happening...I would strongly suggest couples counseling and the fact that he is willing to attempt it is a positive. Also, there is something in you that he saw and loved so much he married you (same with you towards him). I know people change and grow but finding that place again is very important. And to hear you in your post it sounds like you don'/t think too highly of yourself right now by saying you're boring and have the personality of a potato...

I'm a religious person as well so I would encourage you to do all you can before giving up. Respect him, honor him, love him, and maybe he'll start coming around too.

squireremillard · April 2012

WOw, I was just in a similar situation with my husband and we were separated for the last 2 months. It was incredibly difficult and emotionally draining. We are now on a journey to a better relationship with counseling to help us along. Everything happens for a reason and although we do not see it now, we will in time. My hubby needed some time away to realize he missed me and missed us. Best of luck.

ematthews920 · April 2012

I'm so sorry this is happening! I wish I could give you a hug. It sounds like he has some pretty outrageous expectations. I think that you should absolutely try couples' counseling. Try everything! Work it out! And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. It won't be ideal, obviously, but it will be okay.

januaryjen18 · April 2012

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this right now... maybe counseling will help the two of you... just remember that you are a strong woman and no matter what happens between you & your husband, you will love that little baby more than anything & be a fantastic mother! Try to stay as positive as you can, and remain as stress free as possible for your little one! xoxo!

mmdailey · April 2012

I completely relate to your situation. My husband and I have been separated for the past 6 months, after being married for 3 years. We've gone to couples counseling and found out both of us have been dragging our previous baggage (from old relationships, parents, etc) into our relationship. After attending all of this counseling and making plans for getting back together, he told the counselor he still wasn't sure he wanted to get back together. This confession really pulled the rug out from under me and we've made no further plans to go back to counseling. Please understand I AM NOT recommending this for you, but I want you to know that there are others out there who have been in similar situations who can really empathize with you. I completely advocate counseling, both couples and individual, because even if it didn't repair my marriage, it let me know that I didn't need to feel like I was completely responsible for the breakdown in my marriage and it also let me know what my strengths and weaknesses are. So counseling will teach you about how to better communicate in your marriage, but it will also remind you of your own self worth. You did not make bad choices; you made the choices that were right for your family. Do not feel like this is solely your mess to clean up. Him wanting to do counseling is something you should take him up on, that way you both will know you've done EVERYTHING to do things right by your marriage and, most importantly, your baby. I'm sending love, good luck and prayers out to you!

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