Birth Mom posting pics of DD on facebook?

hlsgrad · April 2012

Should this bother me? I have only had DD for 2 weeks, she is 12 months old. BM asked me to please send her emals with pictures whenever I had a chance, in addition to the regular updates through the agency. I have no obligation to do so, but I sent her 3 emails with pics so far. Today I saw on her FB page (we're not friends but the agency told me she was on there) that she changed her profile pic to DD. I have NO idea why it is bothering me - the logical side of me says she loves her too and gave birth to her and raised her for 11 months, so why not use our updated pictures. But the other part of me is concerned that this this a sign that she isn't handling things well. Please someone talk some sense into me...

MrsKolasa · April 2012

Just sent you a PM :-)

hlsgrad · April 2012

Thank you! 8 years on the knot/bump and my first PM!

MrsKolasa · April 2012

hlsgrad:
Thank you! 8 years on the knot/bump and my first PM!

Crazy! Good luck either way. I think a lot of times in situations with Luke's Birthfamily I need to make sure that I'm not reacting out of fear. It's hard to do, but I try.

MayDayGirl · April 2012

Our Bm puts pics of dd on fb, but when her friends ask who she is she says "Rachel and joeys baby". Your situation is different I would say for sure though. I think it seems Normal to me, but what do i know? I get how it could bother you, but I get her side too. Sorry, not much help!

Art Teacher · April 2012

Our dd's birthmom posts pictures of dd in her fb albums every now and then. She has a pic of her and dd as her profile pic from our last visit. I don't mind it at all although I guess the first time I saw a pic of her on her page, I was surprised. We hadn't talked about it or anything, and I just wasn't expecting it.

DH and I talked about it and decided we were okay with it.

I don't know if it's a sign of your dd's birthmom not handling it well; it may just be that she loves her and wants to include the pic(s) of her. If you don't want the pictures posted on fb, I would talk to her about it. Maybe just say you prefer that she not share them/post them online. Or if you are concerned about her, maybe try to contact her and ask her how she is doing? (Or maybe the agency could contact her?)

Patches08 · April 2012

I think I handle/handled everything as best as possible and when I had FB (deleted years ago) I had some pics of DD and I from our visits on there. I know Amom has pics of DD on her FB currently, so does DD's aunts. I don't think just because BM is posting pics of DD on FB is a sign of her not handling everything well. If it makes you uncomfortable just talk to her about it. I like Mrs.K's response, about the 'fear' factor underlining the issue. Your daughter will always know BM as her BM and you as her Mom.

mattea1986 · April 2012

I think what it all comes down to is DD is your baby and if you're not comfortable with having pics of YOUR baby on BM's facebook, then you have every right to ask her to remove them. I get where you're coming from, it would totally anger me lol

hlsgrad · April 2012

Thank you so much. I think it just took some getting used to; i feel much better about it today. I had already contacted the agency/SW to see how she is doing and apparently she hasn't contacted them for counseling (which we pre-paid for). So the only contact I have with her are our emails and they have been brief on her end (just saying thank you for the pictures and asking for more, and asking me to hug the baby for her).

Jenn is Silly · April 2012

mattea1986:
I think what it all comes down to is DD is your baby and if you're not comfortable with having pics of YOUR baby on BM's facebook, then you have every right to ask her to remove them. I get where you're coming from, it would totally anger me lol

I agree with this. Ultimately whatever you decide.

AuburnBride06 · April 2012

It DOES make me up set (we are fb friends with BM), but I also try to consider the fear factor, as josie mentioned. I agree, I don't think it necessarily means she isn't handling things well, but totally agree that you have every right to ask her to not post them, if you don't want her to.

It was getting to the point where every single pic I posted on fb, BM was downloading them and passing them on to friends and god knows who else. I asked her to not do that and also that if she was going to take any pics of my son during visits, she must tag me in all that she put on fb. Well, she failed to do it and now I block her from seeing anything I do not want her to see--she wouldn't follow my rules, she lost the privilege. Same with visits & pics--if she takes any and posts without tagging, I won't allow her to take any.

What about making a fb account just for her, and friending her? that way you control whatever she sees and it wouldn't be an open book to your life? or set up a picasa account where she can not download pics and she can get her pic updates that way?

There are so many things in these relationships you have to "pick and choose your battles" with.

teacherhollys · April 2012

My son's birth mom does this same thing. Her profile and cover photos are often of him taken from my Facebook. Now I hardly post any photos of him and recently started to only send hard copy photos to birthparents. Also, BM will post random polls like "who does my son look like me or boyfriend?" in the caption of a fb photo of him. My son is Only 13- months old but one day may not want the world to know he's adopted. That will be his story to tell. I've come to learn that she likes to post a lot and seems to enjoy all the comments she gets when she posts a picture of him. His birth mom comments on almost everything I post and always comments if I post about son. That means my friends and family see he's picture by her name. Some people have mentioned it to me. It feels a little strange to me. She will tell me that she wants me to text her a specific photo which I know she'll post. I've never told her no so I reluctantly send them knowing it will be her new profile pic. I did finally ask her not to repost my fb pictures or ones I've sent to her. (I'm sure she wasn't happy that I mentioned it.) Pictures she takes from visits I feel are hers to do as she wishes. I love her and son's BF and really don't want to damage our relationship. However, I want to trust her and for her to trust me so I felt I has to be honest. Sorry for long reply.Holly

AuburnBride06 · April 2012

teacherhollys:
My son's birth mom does this same thing. Her profile and cover photos are often of him taken from my Facebook. Now I hardly post any photos of him and recently started to only send hard copy photos to birthparents. Also, BM will post random polls like "who does my son look like me or boyfriend?" in the caption of a fb photo of him. My son is Only 13- months old but one day may not want the world to know he's adopted. That will be his story to tell. I've come to learn that she likes to post a lot and seems to enjoy all the comments she gets when she posts a picture of him. His birth mom comments on almost everything I post and always comments if I post about son. That means my friends and family see he's picture by her name. Some people have mentioned it to me. It feels a little strange to me. She will tell me that she wants me to text her a specific photo which I know she'll post. I've never told her no so I reluctantly send them knowing it will be her new profile pic. I did finally ask her not to repost my fb pictures or ones I've sent to her. (I'm sure she wasn't happy that I mentioned it.) Pictures she takes from visits I feel are hers to do as she wishes. I love her and son's BF and really don't want to damage our relationship. However, I want to trust her and for her to trust me so I felt I has to be honest. Sorry for long reply.Holly

Ugh same here and it drives me up the wall. I really think you should just be honest and give her the rules. she may not follow them, but then she can lose her privileges. I hate, hate her making him/them her profile pic. At one point, she even listed him as her son. Actually birth father did too for a little while. That was WEIRD and bothered me A LOT. Eventually they took that off. She will even take a picture of my pictures on her screen to steal them.

halliekathleen · April 2012

I had a student where I used to teach, post pics of a baby on Facebook and everyone told her congrats thinking the baby was hers. She would comment that it was a child she gave birth to and placed for adoption and I remember thinking how awesome it was that she was so proud and confident about her choice. Everyone knows people who adopt but rarely to you meet someone who is a birth parent.

I wouldn't stress about the photos. It may just say she is feeling good about her choice!!!

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